So here I was minding my own business. It was 9am and as well as having a nice cup of coffee on the go, I was burning some waste in my garden.

Someone knocked at the door.

Well I am one of these people who hate unannounced callers, so I opened the door and stared at a Captain Manaring type who stood there with his wife. He held a book in his hand.

I glanced at it and I could see it was God related. He started rabbitting on about his religion and how...

I was watching the child birth doc on Channel4 and the woman about to give birth was quite emotional.

The pain is equivalent to getting a juggernaut through your front door - it needs a serious amount of structural re-arranging!

Anyway, her husband burst into tears as the little fella popped his head out. The midwife's eyes filled with joy, the mother bubbled, I started crying, even me tatoos were crying.

What a marvelous thing I thought, then I remembered...