Okay it's Friday and its a family tradition to try and have an easy day and get on the drink as soon as possible.

So around 2Pm my fat arse landed on my seat at my garden table and 4 cans of lager magically appeared in front of me. The ball and chain was there, having a tab and doing a Gary impression by drinking my amber nectar.

It was really hot today and I took my top off. For a moment the birds fell silent and her indoors fell off her stool.

I used...

Okay! After a discussion with Ursa about a certain writers lack of use of punctuation marks on his dialogue in a book we have recently read. I went to bed and had the weirdest of dreams.

Me and Ursa, who was sitting in the car in all his fluffiness, were having a coffee while we waited for the suspect to leave his gaff.

Ursa looked at me, "Everything okay Guv?"

I stared at him and wondered why I was sitting in a car with a big white teddy drinking...

Well I never, watching Britain's Got Talent and Pudsey, didn't he used to be a bear? - oh well never mind. Re-inventing yourself is a good thing.

So, half a million quid in the bank and millions to come from advertising. Just shows how life can surprise you.

Anyway worthy winners, so i am thinking of changing the first line of my WIP to, "Woof, woof, woof, sausages..."

It'll be a Pedigree production so if you want t be my chum, please PM me....

So you've probably read my post about the RSPCA approaching me on the field the other day, saying my dogs were fat

"Well I couldn't bloody believe it," I said in a Victor Meldrew style voice. Another person came up to me today. This time a woman. She said, "Are you Gary Compton?" I nodded and swallowed nervously.

"I'm from the RSPCC," she said gleefully. "And I want to talk to you about cruelty you've been inflicting on others."...

So I was on the field today walking the dogs. I was minding my own business when man approached me. He said he worked for the RSPCA and thought it appropriate to tell me my dogs were overweight.

Well I thought, you cheeky bas**rd. He had more chins than the Chinese telephone directory and had obviously been in charge of the pie factory in his previous job as he'd clearly eaten all the stock.

Well you can imagine what I told him to do. Most of which is not publishable...