Thunder roared above and more Beige fell on me...

So you've probably read my post about the RSPCA approaching me on the field the other day, saying my dogs were fat

"Well I couldn't bloody believe it," I said in a Victor Meldrew style voice. Another person came up to me today. This time a woman. She said, "Are you Gary Compton?" I nodded and swallowed nervously.

"I'm from the RSPCC," she said gleefully. "And I want to talk to you about cruelty you've been inflicting on others."

I stood there like a spare prick at at a prostitutes wedding, not knowing what to do or say. Where's Scotty when you need him.

"Well," she said with a tone that reminded me of the Judge or Teresa pawing over a spammer. "There have been complaints about you.'

Suddenly visions of stale porridge, a boyfriend and me writing me book in a six foot square cell filled my mind.

She held up her warrant card and said, "Gary Compton - on behalf of the Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Chronners. I am arresting you for putting boring, badly written, poorly conceived stories in the critiques section."

I lowered my head in embarrassment. As I was led away I glanced over my shoulder to see a group of senior Chronners dancing round the womans handbag

I'm sure she was Ursa in drag!

Anyway you can get in touch via www.theblythone.com for a few months