So I was on the field today walking the dogs. I was minding my own business when man approached me. He said he worked for the RSPCA and thought it appropriate to tell me my dogs were overweight.

Well I thought, you cheeky bas**rd. He had more chins than the Chinese telephone directory and had obviously been in charge of the pie factory in his previous job as he'd clearly eaten all the stock.

Well you can imagine what I told him to do. Most of which is not publishable...

Okay, picture this, lights in my living room are off. TV on, laptop on and I'm watching election results. My Basset hound, Murphy jumped on the settee and rested his front paws and chest across my lap.

So the Wife, bless her, is asleep upstairs, as is daughter. Son has left home a while back. Harvey, the other Basset has gone to bed with Mam.

So back to Murphy, he moves his head back and stares up at me. I could've sworn he puckered his lips. I moved my face toward...