Synopsis for The Orphan Prince

[Jeremy]

I realize there must be very little interest in this forum in reading the synopsis of a novel, but I hope to submit my query letter and synopsis to agents and publishers soon, and I desperately need criticism of my synopsis. I can only hope that someone here would take pity on me and give me some feedbacks. Any comments would be greatly appreciated!

The Orphan Prince opens with Prince Ari, aged six, riding in front of his father King Idan on a horse on a desolate plain. As a thunderstorm sets in, a rider dressed all in black with long black hair approaches, dismounts, and draws his sword. In the ensuing battle, the dark swordsman kills King Idan and is about to turn the blade on Prince Ari, but Ari wakes up from his nightmare just in time. Fearful of being alone in his bedroom, Ari asks his servant boy Kai to stay with him. They talk about King Idan’s assassin, Black Wolf, a legendary swordsman from the enemy empire of Narsus, with a mixture of awe and hatred. As he is about to fall asleep again, Ari fantasizes himself slaying Black Wolf in revenge for his father’s death.
In the few days before the feast for his eleventh birthday, life goes on as usual with Ari, including sword lessons in the mornings with General Demran, a cousin of King Idan. General Demran is the adult that Ari feels closest to, and one day the general reminisces to Ari about the war with Narsus that was fought five years ago, a war that ended when King Idan was assassinated. Besides General Demran, there are two other royalties living in the Idan Castle. Lord Peran is the brother of King Idan and the acting leader of the kingdom of Dinan after King Idan’s death, and his relationship with Ari is cold and distant. Ari’s cousin Roi, on the other hand, seems to harbor great hatred toward Ari and often taunts and physically harasses him.
The feast for Ari’s eleventh birthday is a success, with abundance of food and great entertainment. As the feast comes to a close, the doors to the great hall suddenly open and in rushes a servant, announcing the arrival of an emissary from Narsus bearing birthday gifts for the prince. The announcement causes great shock, but after a brief deliberation Lord Peran, believing it an offer of peace from Narsus, permits the emissary to enter the castle. And so the Narsian emissary enters, and immediately a commotion breaks out in the hall, for it is Black Wolf! Amid the hostility around him, Black Wolf delivers two birthday gifts to Ari—his father’s sword, and a gold medal that Black Wolf won in his youth for sword dueling. At their parting, Black Wolf promises to tell Ari why he killed King Idan one day. He then fights his way out of the castle against the violently hostile crowd.
Ari’s heart is torn by his admiration for Black Wolf, the legendary and charismatic swordsman, and his long-standing hatred for his father’s assassin. He escapes the castle with Kai and embarks on a journey to Narsus to find Black Wolf. At the border between Dinan and Narsus, however, the two boys are pursued by Dinan guards intent on returning them to the Idan Castle. To avoid capture, Ari steers his horse into the Ancient City, a large metropolis of ancient ruins. It is the only place where ruins from ancient times are still left standing, after the supreme being Sentian destroyed the ancient civilization a thousand years ago, according to myths. The two boys think they are safe within the confines of the Ancient City, but the next day they are pursued by the terrifying monstrous creature called the wolfan, and are saved in the nick of time by the mysterious boy Evan, who leads them out of the Ancient City via an underground tunnel.
In Narsus’ capital city of Kalus, Ari and Kai meet the Narisian Emperor, who warns them to leave Narsus as soon as possible because many Narsians still harbor great hatred toward King Idan, the enemy leader who brought death and destruction to Narsus in the last war, and they would be eager to kill King Idan’s son in revenge. However, as Ari and Kai are about to embark on the journey home, Ari is informed by the Emperor’s page that Black Wolf is waiting for him somewhere nearby. Eager to see Black Wolf again and heedless of the Emperor’s warning, Ari follows the Emperor’s page into a tavern, only to be waylaid by the evil Lord Firan and taken to a dungeon beneath the Sentian Temple. A few days later, Ari is brought up into the temple for the sacrificial ceremony as a sacrifice to Sentian. Just as the blade of a dagger is about to pierce his heart, Ari is rescued by Black Wolf, but not before learning the fact that Black Wolf had a son who was killed in the war between Dinan and Narsus five years ago.
The next day, Ari wakes up in the Ancient City and is greeted by Evan, who reveals that he is Black Wolf’s son and promises to explain all the mysteries to Ari. Greatly puzzled, Ari listens silently as Evan recounts what happened in the last thousand years. Humanity once possessed technology beyond imagination, but its penchant for violence and war brought it to the brink of extinction. A mad dictator in the ancient times had detonated an immensely powerful bomb that brought about the nuclear winter, annihilating almost all life on earth. However, a few humans survived in tunnels deep beneath the surface of the earth. At the same time, a dying scientist was able to transfer his mind into the computer, and with the vast network of interlinked computers around the world at his disposal, this artificial intelligence becomes a near-omnipotent being known as Sentian. Sentian destroyed all vestiges of the ancient civilization, except within the Ancient City where his physical hardware resides, and starts humanity all over again from its infancy. So a thousand years passed, and humans developed from hunter and gatherer tribes to kingdoms and empires once more, but to Sentian’s sorrow, humans still possess the penchant for violence and warfare.
This penchant for aggression and war was epitomized by King Idan, a great military leader with boundless lust for conquest who wrought death and destruction on the lands that he conquered. After his son’s murder by Dinan soldiers, Black Wolf, a man who values life greatly, decided to assassinate King Idan in order to end all the deaths and suffering. As he finally explains to Ari, “the only way to prevent more death and suffering is to commit murder myself.” After the death of Black Wolf’s son, Sentian downloaded Evan’s mind into the computer and constructed a replica of Evan as a gift to Black Wolf, the man whom Sentian had raised like his own son.
After Ari returns to the Idan Castle, he is caught in a power struggle in which Lord Peran, Ari’s uncle, is mortally wounded. Lord Sinder, the leader of the insurgents, tries to kill Ari as the son of King Idan and the heir to the throne, but Ari has been trained by Black Wolf in the art of sword dueling, and he defeats Lord Sinder. Ari now faces a choice between taking Lord Sinder’s life and sparing him, the same choice that Black Wolf faced five years ago. However, if Ari spares him, Lord Sinder, who shares King Idan’s lust for conquest, will surely bring death and suffering to countless humans. Fortunately, it is not a choice that Ari has to make, for Roi, Ari’s cousin, kills Lord Sinder in revenge for his father and then declares himself the king of Dinan.
Life in the Idan Castle returns to normal for Ari, but with normality comes boredom. One day, he escapes the castle once again in the company of his servant Kai, to seek further adventure and perhaps to meet Black Wolf, the man whom he has grown to love like a father.

[roddglenn]

Hi, it sounds interesting but it is FAR too long for a synopisis. You need to half it in length at least. You are being too detailed. A synopsis does need to detail events and characters, but only the main ones.

[dwndrgn]

Yes, cut out at least half. A synopsis should be relatively short, easy to read and give the reader a broad idea of what the book itself will be like. You want to pull them in, make them want to read the whole thing - but you can't do that with a blow-by-blow synopsis. Tease them.

Sadly, that's about all I can offer in the way of criticism. Hopefully it helps and when you redo it, your manuscript will be read.

[Jeremy]

Thanks, my friends, for your feedbacks. I never liked surgery in medical school, but now I guess I have a lot of cutting to do!

[Lacedaemonian]

Not meaning to spoil the party, but is this book not already published? If it is already published then I am unsure of the purpose of this thread.

[Marky Lazer]

I think, "but I hope to submit my query letter and synopsis to agents and publishers soon" answers your question, Lace.

However, this synopsis is too long as mentioned before.

[Jeremy]

Originally Posted by Lacedaemonian

Not meaning to spoil the party, but is this book not already published? If it is already published then I am unsure of the purpose of this thread.

I self-published it, but self-publishing is really getting me nowhere. Now I'll try to publish it the traditional way.

[Teresa Edgerton]

I agree with what everyone else has said: it's too long and it's too detailed, stick to the main action and the essential features of the story.

One way to do that is to start with the shortest possible description of the plot and expand on that until you have what you want -- rather than starting long and cutting to fit. Begin with a single sentence that encapsulates your story. Turn that into a paragaph. Turn the paragraph into a page.

Also, I would suggest that you try to make your verbs a little more active and your prose a little more intense and descriptive. You need to condense as much color and flavor as you can into a few words -- without, of course, going over the top. It would also help if you could convey a little more sense of Ari's personality.

[Lacedaemonian]

Originally Posted by Jeremy

I self-published it, but self-publishing is really getting me nowhere. Now I'll try to publish it the traditional way.

Ahh! I do apologise brother. In truth I know nothing about the publishing game. Thank God! Your synopsis works for me though from what I have read , it would seem shorter is better.

[jackokent]

According to Carole Blake in "From Pitch to Publication" a submission should contain a synopsis of between 4 to 10 pages. She also says there should be a brief blurb of one or two paraghraphs. I am therefore quite interested to hear that people say that Jeremy's synopsis is too long.

I can see it being too long for a blurb but surely a synopsis has to get the whole story more or less across, particularly if you are only submitting the first 3 chapters (another recomendation of Carole's)

I also know nothing about the publishing game but am thinking of submitting something myself so would welcome any thoughts on this as, I imagine, would Jeremy.

[Elvendon]

I quite liked this premise, post-apocalyptic worlds always have a draw for me. I didn't feel it went into too much detail, in fact I felt it was a bit sparing, especially in the areas where it could have talked more about character interactions.

One tiny thing:
"..but Ari has been trained by Black Wolf in the art of sword dueling..."

This felt a little bit like an afterthought, and I did wonder rather where Ari was able to learn all this, he doesn't seem to spend much time with Black Wolf at all. Perhaps you should add in a sentance saying when Ari stays with Black Wolf. However, I know nothing of how publishing works, so it may be utterly incorrect advice!

[Teresa Edgerton]

Originally Posted by jackokent

According to Carole Blake in "From Pitch to Publication" a submission should contain a synopsis of between 4 to 10 pages.

Well, I can't speak for non-fiction, or all books in all genres, or publishing outside of the US, but after twenty years in the field I've never heard of an agent or an editor at a major US publishing house handling SF/Fantasy wanting more than three pages of synopsis -- and these days more and more of them seem to be asking for one.