[nj1]

Originally Posted by svalbard

Hi Damiynn,

First off, your prose is fine. A few spelling errors and you might want to look at your changes in tense towards the latter end of the excerpt. You have obviously worked this out and spent a lot of time in building you world and characters. It tells in your writing. Something I have being accused of a lot, is evident here. You do a lot telling instead of showing and you are, in my opinion only, putting a lot of info. into a short piece. Again I have had to work this out the hard way.

It is easy to fix and you could do it by not changing anything in your story. It could involve another character with Cyadine at the start. Dialogue is a great way of moving a story along and you could reveal Cyadine's inner thoughts in reaction to the other characters converstion. I liked it very much though and hope to read more in the future.

Yep, that's what i thought but Svalbard puts it across better