OK! About time.

[polymath]

Because I'm slightly absent-minded, not to mention I've been somewhat discouraged by 25 rejections, I haven't got round to posting this yet. Anyway, here's the first bit of my novel that I've decided to keep:
Also please look further down after this first post, because post 4 should be post 2, something like that.
P.S. Yes, I'm drunk.


Part 1 as posted here (I have to say that 'cos I effed up)
PROLOGUE

The hut is already smothered in snow, the white layer on the sod roof thickening as flakes fall from the sky. A hearty glow pours out through the front window, a cheering portal against the darkening skies promising at least one night’s warmth to set against the long months of short days. Draw closer to the window and observe the inhabitants, seated around an old wooden table, as they sip mead and chew on cured fish strips...there are only two of them: one a man of uncertain age who by the looks of him has a restless spirit, if one can judge such things by the strange cast of his blue-grey eyes. There is a sense that these eyes have seen more than they should, like some mariner of the southern seas who has sailed too close to strange islands and encountered realms far beyond the plotting of any mortal compass. His silver hair and weather-lined face make him sometimes seem older than he is, make him seem venerable, when in truth he is not too far past his physical prime. The flickering golden flames licking the hearth logs cast shadows and light to accentuate the effect – and one suspects the man somehow knows this and is pleased by it.

There is one other in the hut, a youthful-looking fellow perhaps in his early twenties, who wears an air of wide-eyed watchfulness as if he has heard tales far broader than his imagination. His yellow-gold hair falls straight to shoulder length, and he has a full beard that he strokes thoughtfully from time to time. But there is also a playful air about this man, a slight crinkle to the eye which suggests as much laughter as concern along the path of his life. The younger man is talking now in disbelieving tones, fixing his host with a measuring eye.

“But you are the Reimkennar? We all know your deeds...that is, the people here have confirmed...”

Holding up his hand, the older man gives a sigh and tetchily responds.

“Confirmed what, precisely, youngster? That on such-and-such a day I halted a wave and saved a town? Do you think so? That in the land of the Danes I called up rains to bog down an entire army? Possibly, lad. Possibly. All these things could be true. Or they could just be tales spun around a smattering of one man’s luck, just hearsay and conjecture happily tacked on to a strange bit of fortune. Why do you pay any credence to the chatter of an evening’s entertainment in the village? There’s a, what d’you-call-it, a Reimkennar over every horizon in my experience. I say again, what can it gain you to recast legend as reality?”

“There is wisdom in your words, honourable one. Wisdom indeed must be urged when one chases scraps and snippets in the whirlpool of myth. But I have spent many years looking for you, many long marches tracking tall tales and oft-recounted stories and they have led me here, to this village, to your door. And there is no doubt in my mind that the tall tales are true. You are the Reimkennar.”

The older man stands up now and gives a sharp guffaw.

“What’s that? No doubt, you say? Well, well, then you’ve found the Reimkennar at last! Much wandering, eh? Tracked him down after all these years? And now that you’ve found him, what would you have him do? Dry your mother’s laundry? What task does legend tell you that he can help you with? What kingdoms would you have him overthrow? Pah! Face it, lad. What mighty Reimkennar would live in a small village on a small island? You’ve hauled up a minnow and deemed it a whale.”

The golden haired youth’s eyes flare angrily and he makes for the door, flings it open and lets the cold wind gust through into the cabin, making the fire flap near to extinguishing. Before he slams the door behind him he delivers a final message.

“I’m not so sure, old-timer. I think the truth is rather different. I need your help and I will have it. Believe me when I say this...the time for hiding in forests is over. There will be a reckoning and you will play some part. I shall be back soon. Be ready.”

And with that he is gone.

The older man stares at the door for a while, shaking his head, then turns to the fire, selects a poker, prods half-heartedly at the embers. Mutterings can be heard under his breath.
“Witless! A reckoning? Of what? Witless! There will be no such thing. Huh. I used to be just like him though. Too funny! Really. Still, I wonder how he came to find me? There, I imagine, is quite a tale...”

[roddglenn]

I really enjoyed reading this. Your descriptions show a real flare. Was there a reason you decided to write in the present instead of the past?

Keep it up and don't get down-heartened. I must've clocked up nearly a hundred rejection letters before my novel was finally accepted (after around 10 re-writes too!).

Good luck.

[polymath]

Thank you

Writing in the present tense: Yes there are two strands in the story - the present and the past - and the past is the real meat of the story. It seemed appropriate for the present in the story to be immediate. In Chapter One it goes to the standard 'he said', 'they did' type of writing.

Ignore my confusing blather at the beginning, BTW, Brian had to clean up a bit of a posting mess I made. Oops.

Also - Hundred rejections? Ten rewrites? OK, I have to keep going then - it's too easy to get demoralised at this game. Thanks for the luck

[roddglenn]

It was a story that I had originally written when I was 18 (34 now), so it's been 16 years in the writing lol

It is easy to get demoralised, that's for sure. Over the years, I have taken long breaks from writing (which I now regret as you have to keep writing and get into a routine of doing it day in day out to be the best that you can be). But also, over years, your style, skill and imagination develop with the experiences you gain in life, so in the end we can all just get better and better at it. Maybe a little idealistis, but what the hell!

[Marky Lazer]

Half the fun of art is the rejection.

[roddglenn]

lol true where would the fun and sense of achievement be if we got accepted right off the bat!

[I, Brian]

I have to admit I'm not sure about this - the verb tense and reader dissociation reads as falling straight into pitfalls.

The use of present vs past I think is an issue generally discussed in writers books, and generally it is past tense that clearly wins. The piece could be crippling itself by choosing the verb tense it uses without being able to justify itself to traditional print norms.

For example, take the first sentence:

The hut is already smothered in snow, the white layer on the sod roof thickening as flakes fall from the sky.

Rewriting the verb tense creates a more immediate picture:

The hut was already smothered in snow, the white layer on the sod roof thickening as flakes fell from the sky.

That's more in line with traditional print, IMO.

The dialogue is engaging, but by refusing to get behind the characters at the start - ie, names and motivations - you end up with a weak Point of View based from Third Person Omniscient. IMO you really need to show character motivations, feelings, thoughts, from the start. I say this because this is one of the lessons that was hammered home to me after I first wrote chronicles - the unique power of the literary medium that writers need to tap into is the internal character point of view.


So, overall, I think there's a real danger that you've fallen for a couple of major pitfalls of the aspiring writer.

Simple editing of the verb use should help strengthen the work, and also determining a specific Point of View use - and how you are going to use it - would also be very important.

That doesn't mean to say that the current POV use is wrong - it can certainly work, especially in periodic excerpts - but if it carries on as it through the rest of the work, then IMO you would need to rewrite it in a stronger POV use if you're looking to publish to the traditional marketplace.

Hope that helps.

[polymath]

Certainly does....I'll take a stab at rewriting it this evening, and seeing how I feel about it. These 'present tense' excerpts start to mount up towards the end of the story so it could very well be that I need to rethink that.

I've deliberately left the characters names and motives out, BTW, there is a very good reason for this which I don't want to divulge right now.

OK - thanks Brian, back to the drawing board for the prologue then, but I've never been afraid of rewrites.

[Marky Lazer]

The hut is already smothered in snow, the white layer on the sod roof thickening as flakes fall from the sky.
*Verb confusion.

[…] as they sip mead and chew on cured fish strips...there are only two of them: […]
*I wouldn’t call them ‘them’ in this sentence if they’re only with two. Tell straightaway that these two persons are eating together.

[…] one a man of uncertain age […]
*Is there anyone alive with a definite ‘certain’ age?

[…] by the looks of him has a restless spirit, […]
*What does a restless spirit looks like? Show us. (What do his eyes really show?)

There is a sense that these eyes have seen more than they should […]
*What about his uncertain age? If his eyes show more than they should have seen, the man should look young, except for his eyes maybe. Stay consistent in the man’s appearance.

His silver hair and weather-lined face make him sometimes seem older than he is, make him seem venerable, […]
*I think the coma behind is should be a ;

There is one other in the hut […]
*We already knew that, you told us before there were only two in the hut.

But I have spent many years looking for you, […]
*Isn’t he a bit too young to spend many years of looking? Did he start when he was four?

*You use ‘tall tales’ a lot, find some synonyms.

[…] You’ve hauled up a minnow and deemed it a whale.”
*I like this comparison, sounds like the way a wise man should use.

The golden haired youth’s eyes flare angrily […]
*Don’t over-do your description…

Still, I wonder how he came to find me?
*I think the question mark should be a period.

*It’s not too bad written, but your description opposite each other a bit. He’s younger than he looks, but his eyes are old… or something. It’s confusing.
*Other than most people, I think you can write fantasy in a present tense, but in your story it doesn’t work too well. I think you should reconsider the tenses.
*Keep it up! Keep writing!

[polymath]

Hey, thanks Marky. Thanks for the details.
OK, that's two anti-present-tense votes - it's gotta go.
I'm at work so I can't really go through all this right now - I'll have to get fixing later on.
Thanks guys!

[Marky Lazer]

I'm not anti-present-tense, as a matter of fact, I'm pro-present-tens. It just doesn't work the way it's executed here.

[polymath]

Oh, I know, you meant in this instance.

[Paradox 99]

I'll add my own vote to losing the present tense in this piece. Whilst, in my opinion it works very well, I think Brian's reasoning that you should stick to a traditional style with your opening makes a lot of sense.

Out of those 10 rejetions, did any of them offer any advice or reasoning behind their rejection? Or did they appear to be bog standard responses?

p.s. Just to add in my own 2c of encouragement, I was rather impressed by what you've written so far. Nice work.

[polymath]

They were all bog standard - no critiques whatsoever so I was left none the wiser apart from realising that it clearly wasn't 'gripping' anyone.
Thanks for the encouragement.

[tonic]

You've got a great degree of skill in describing the scene, but I'd have to agree with the past tense vs. present tense. There is just too much to think about when your reading present tense and for past tense (because its a norm) its much easier to read. Your writing is really good, but the present tense turns me off of it. Though once again, you've got skill, so don't quit...no matter how many rejections you recieve.