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[JingleBing3]

I had an idea pop up and wanted everyone's opinion. Thanks in advance

Herbert knew. Herbert knew and he preached. From his doorstep, from the roof top, from a mountain top, in the rain, in the snow, covered in sweat, covered in mud, as he sneezed and coughed, as he laughed and cried, as he longed to die. Everyone thought of him as crazy and that was fine. They hadn't seen what he had seen, hadn't lost what he had lost, but he knew, yes, he knew. Ever since Mable died, he knew what was coming. The End. The end is near! The end is near, always near, if you happen to have an ear to hear. Herbert laughed at that little rhyme in his head. Gathering his fishing pole and bait, he slowly walked home, trying to think of other rhymes, rhymes so divine.

"Hey, Herbie, catch!" yelled Zak, the village elderboy. Herbie didn't bother turning or to even try to dodge the mudball. The stinging pain in the back of his head let him know that Zak had conivently placed a large rock in the mud, but Herbert barely noticed. Soon. The end was soon. He could feel it and the dreams grew larger and larger, deeper and deeper. The cool breeze, unusually during the summer heat, lifted a smile upon Herbert's dirty face. Soon.

[PenDragon]

Originally Posted by JingleBing3

I had an idea pop up and wanted everyone's opinion. Thanks in advance

Herbert knew. Herbert knew and he preached. From his doorstep, from the roof top, from a mountain top, in the rain, in the snow, covered in sweat, covered in mud, as he sneezed and coughed, as he laughed and cried, as he longed to die.

Everyone thought of him as crazy and that was fine. They hadn't seen what he had seen, hadn't lost what he had lost, but he knew, yes, he knew. Ever since Mable died, he knew what was coming.

The End.

The end is near! The end is near, always near, if you happen to have an ear to hear. Herbert laughed at that little rhyme in his head. Gathering his fishing pole and bait, he slowly walked home, trying to think of other rhymes, rhymes so divine.

Hi Jingle and welcome to the forum. This is a good opening, it has good story questions and hooks, gives a hint but doesnn't give everything away. It's good. Very confident first few lines with a real nice flow to the prose.

Personally I'd break up your first para the way I've illustrated above to add a bit more emphasis, make it more dynamic. I would also possibly lose the exclamation mark after - The end is near - as it might make it look/read a bit too melodramatic and have a comedic affect rather than a dramatic one.

Finally, I'm not sure about the ryhme it's not immediately clear we are in Herbert's point of view I think if you add - by him - to the line - everyone thought he was crazy and that was fine - it gives us an earlier heads up that we are in Herbert's point of view rather than more general narration feel we get from the first few sentences.

good stuff.