Query Letter

[Jeremy]

I confess I have no idea how to write a great query letter, so I decided to let the so called "professionals" do it for me. I submitted my novel to Scribendi.com, which offers, among other things, the service of writing a query letter, a synopsis, and a chapter summary. It cost me about $100. Today I got the package back, and I think the query letter sucks! See for yourself. Let me just say if you are considering an editing service for your writing, definitely avoid Scribendi. I found many grammatical errors and spelling mistakes. There shouldn't be any!

Dear Ms. Editor:

How does a boy learn to become a man? Young Prince Ari struggles to understand the nightmare of seeing Black Wolf kill his father, King Idan. So why does he pursue Black Wolf through the Ancient City and into Narsus, the land of his country’s enemies? Each lesson Ari learns, about life and death, fear and forgiveness, wisdom and treachery, brings him closer to the man he will become.

This tale of lords and princes, monstrous wolf-like creatures and mysterious technology offers surprises, thrills and warmth. Karen Penn, of TCM Reviews, says, “I thoroughly enjoyed The Orphan Prince, and would recommend it not only for children, but also for those adults among us who have enjoyed books such as the Artemis Fowl and Harry Potter series.”

The Orphan Prince is a stand-alone, full-length novel of approximately 62,000 words. A chapter outline and synopsis accompany this letter. You can obtain the full manuscript for review by calling me at xxx-xxx-xxxx or via email at xxx@yyy.com.

I look forward to the opportunity to work with you.

Does this have any merit, or does everyone agree with me that it's really bad? I'm going to try another editing service for the query letter. Does anyone know a good one that they could recommend? In the end I may have to write the query letter myself.

[Green]

I think you should save your money and practice writing your own. You are a writer, after all

[jackokent]

I'd say it sucks. It sounds like an advert not a letter. I'm not an expert in American law but if it were me I'd be looking at what they promised and trying to get my money back. If there are mistakes then you should challenge Scripendi with this.

However surely after writing a 65,000 word novel a query letter, and all the rest of the submission stuff, would be a welcome change. My question is why pay anyone? If you write it yourself you can get some of your personality across.

A query letter is something I've got to tackle too so your post is really interesting. Maybe we should start a post for critiquing query letters if it hasn't been done before. Anyway good luck with your submission. Let us know how goes.

[the_faery_queen]

it;s awful. it doesn't even answer the questions it sets up!

'How does a boy learn to become a man? Young Prince Ari struggles to understand the nightmare of seeing Black Wolf kill his father, King Idan. So why does he pursue Black Wolf through the Ancient City and into Narsus, the land of his country’s enemies? Each lesson Ari learns, about life and death, fear and forgiveness, wisdom and treachery, brings him closer to the man he will become.'

it just goes from question, to statement that seems unconnected, back to a question, back to a statement. its just random, to me

i based my query letter on one lynn flewing wrote, i found it on the net somehow. preditors and editors has stuff on how to do it also. but to be honest, i never finished my query letter! i kept changing my mind on how to write it, what i wanted to say, how i want to structure it. and luckily my publisher never required one (they just wanted the novel, and background and so on, no offical letter)

but i do agree with the info they ahve put in. bit about the novel, the length and so on.

[Teresa Edgerton]

As everyone else has been saying, write the query letter yourself. Also the synopsis and any outlines you'll be sending out (although most agents and editors who want more than a synopsis will want sample chapters instead of a chapter outline). These are supposed to be samples of your writing. If an agent or an editor knew you had someone else write them for you, your submission would go straight into the trashcan unread.

You don't need a "great query letter" unless a query letter is all you are sending. Otherwise, it should be short and business-like: genre, length, the fact that it's written for YA readers, a sentence or two to tell what the book is about, your name and contact information. That's it. Anything else is just something they have to read through before they get to the part they really want to see: the synopis and/or sample chapters. Do not include a review from a company that offers free reviews as a come-on to get you to buy their promotional services.

Join a writers group (a good one with a mix of skill levels and professional credentials), attend a workshop, or go to a convention and listen in to what the writers and editors who appear on the panels have to say -- you'll get better advice than one of these editing services can give you, and you'll get it for a lot less money than you paid these people (in the case of a writers group, you would get it for free).

[Jeremy]

I finally sat down and wrote the query letter myself. What do you think? I would really appreciate any feedbacks, comments. Thanks!

When an eleven-year-old prince sets out on a journey to find the assassin who murdered his father five years ago, does he have only revenge in his heart, or does he seek understanding, which may lead to sympathy, forgiveness, and even love? The answer lies in my children’s fantasy/science fiction/adventure novel, The Orphan Prince, a completed manuscript of 62,000 words that I am submitting for your consideration.

Prince Ari has vowed revenge after his father King Idan was killed by the legendary swordsman from an enemy empire named Black Wolf. But then, on the night of his eleventh birthday, Black Wolf, dark, handsome and self-assured, brazenly walks into the castle that bears King Idan’s name and delivers two birthday gifts to Ari—his father’s sword, and a gold medal that Black Wolf won in his youth for sword dueling. Confused by conflicting emotions and divided loyalties in his heart, Ari embarks on a journey into the empire of Narsus to find Black Wolf, only to encounter dangers that threaten to within inches of his life. Fortunately, his former sworn enemy rescues him in the nick of time.

It is then that Ari finally hears the complete story of his past, of King Idan and Black Wolf, of lust for conquest and heroism against conscience, only it is a story within a far bigger story, told by a mysterious boy who is not what he appears to be. The world once possessed advanced technology beyond imagination, but humanity’s penchant for violence, aggression and war brought itself to the brink of extinction. And now, even though no vestige of that ancient technology remains, the darkness in the human heart persists. It was against this darkness that Black Wolf raised his sword and committed murder. As fate would have it, after Ari returns to the Idan Castle, he is confronted by the same moral dilemma that Black Wolf faced years ago, and the decision he makes will profoundly affect the lives of countless humans.

I have a master degree in anthropology and specialized in the studies of human aggression, violence and warfare. I also have a doctorate degree in medicine and have worked in a pediatric residency for one year, interacting with many children the same age as the protagonists of my novel. A sequel to the novel has been outlined. Thank you for your consideration. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

[Jeremy]

OMG, I just read Kelpie's comments below and realized my query letter is way too long. It's almost like a synopsis. Please ignore that post altogether. Writing a query letter is such a pain.

[Cobolt]

Don't worry, cut and paste what you have done, only certain parts (the beginning about word count and the end-what you do and who you are) need to be used as part of your query letter.

Also add into the query what genre, age group you are targeting and where your inspiration comes from, you can even include who your favourite wtiters are.

So chin up!

[Jeremy]

I just want to thank everyone who responded to my posts in this thread. Your kindness is greatly appreciated, and all of your suggestions are received with the utmost respect. If anyone else is working on a query letter or synopsis for a novel, please feel free to post in the critique section, and I will definitely respond with constructive feedbacks to the best of my ability.

[Teresa Edgerton]

But it doesn't have to be a pain, Jeremy. You're simply over-thinking and over-complicating the letter.

Save all that for the synopsis -- which is where the real pain begins.

Also, I think you are making the common mistake of confusing a true query letter with the cover letter accompanying a partial. They aren't the same thing. If you are sending a synopsis and/or sample chapters, you don't need a query letter, you just need a simple straight-forward cover letter.