Gharin Combe (my first story!)

[Elvendon]

Right, this is my first proper stab at fiction. It's basically the story of a number of communities of mythic beings, from Satyrs to Griffons, living in the modern world under the guise of "normal" humans, and how a discovery on a hill named Gharin Combe changes their lives for ever. This is only the first chapter, and I don't want to give away too much yet! I hope you enjoy it, and any positive feedback you can give will be very much appreciated. Thanks

[Elvendon]

***
Marc turned off the track, and strode up the path to his lodgings. Passing through the high hedges that surrounded it, he inhaled the crisp winter air. He hoped that snow would come, it was always nice to have a white Christmas. He felt distinctly cheerful, having met someone new, seen a great movie, all his Christmas shopping was done and it was still a week to Christmas itself. As he approached the house, a large, modern, wooden building, he looked around nervously, his blue eyes watching for any passers by. Convinced it was safe, he let out what seemed to be a long sigh. His body seemed to shimmer, and it seemed as though something fell from him. His face and torso remained the same, though his jeans and scruffy trainers had vanished, replaced with the chestnut legs, tail and hooves of a goat. His ears stretched and changed shape, now long and horizontal like those of a deer, soft white fur covering the outside. Two horns now stuck out from his temples. He then took out his key from his jacket pocket and opened the door, quickly slipping inside. Standing in the warm hallway, Marc placed the presents down beside the umbrella stand and looked around. The hall seemed perfectly normal, painted in a warm shade of terracotta, with a mirror, a wall-clock gently ticking away, doors leading into various other rooms and paintings hanging from the walls. A strong female voice was singing, not quite in tune, to an Italian opera in the kitchen.
"Helene? I'm back."
The singing stopped, which Marc felt was no small mercy "Hello Darling!" said a raucous, yet pleasant female voice. "How was shopping? Did you get me something?"
"And me!" said a more youthful voice.
Marc smiled broadly "Ah! Is my little man back from his grandparents?" Marc quickly walked through the house towards the inviting smells and warm air of the kitchen, but tottered on his hooves due to the smooth wooden floor. Managing to save himself only by grabbing onto the lintel of the kitchen door, he just stopped himself from swearing very loudly, and so avoided getting a ladle thrown at him for the trouble of uttering such words in front of one of the children. He looked in the brightly lit kitchen, with it's immaculate wooden cabinets, flagstone floor and messy kitchen table. "Helene, not that I'm telling you how to run the household or anything, but did we have to get wood-block flooring? It will be the death of me one of these days..." He looked at the figure cooking at the stove rather crossly.
Without even turning her head, she replied levelly "Well darling, it goes so well with the walls, and the carpet just kept getting so dirty. And stone would have just been so unwelcoming."
Marc thought of retorting that nearly breaking your back every time you come in is not very welcoming either, but thought better of it. You just didn't argue with Helene Adair-Kaia. At well over six foot tall, with her streaming gold-green hair and cheek-bones you could cut cheese with, the woman struck quite an imposing figure. As a school governor many a committed bully had been turned into a reformed character by her having a quiet word with them. As a member of the local amateur dramatics society she had delivered many an awe-inspiring performance as Medusa, the Wicked Witch, Lady Macbeth or any other frightening female figure in theatre you should care to mention. In the neighbourhood watch she had scared one thief so much when she caught him in the act that he was still doing voluntary community service two years afterwards. Although she did not have a paid job, she had very traditional attitudes towards that sort of thing, she was so busy effectively running the village of Beechstoke that some people joked she should be on the council's payroll. She had presence, she knew it and she knew what to do with it.
Catching sight of the youngest member of the Adair-Kaia clan, a smile spread quickly over Marc's face. "Here he is!" He said grinning, and he leapt over to where little Chalchas was sitting. A small boy, with a pudding-basin mop of blond hair, the long pointed ears of his father and his mother's deep green eyes, Chalchas was the apple of his Helene's eye, as all her children were. He cackled madly as Marc, one of his favourite playmates, pretended to be a monster, growling, then acting scared when Chalchas returned the noise.
Helene looked back, clucking indulgently, then said warningly "Don't get him too exited, he needs to go to bed soon.".
Marc rolled his eyes, then leant his chin on his arms, which rested crossed over each other on the table. He looked placidly at Chalchas, knowing what was coming next. "What did you get me!".
It happened every year. Chalchas would pester Marc to tell him the nature of the present the his friend had got him, until Marc would finally get close to giving in, then Helene would step in and try to enforce the embargo.
"Please!"
"No."
"Come on, please?"
"No."
"Please!"
"Again no."
"Please with a cherry on top!"
"Nope."
"I'll give you all my sweets if you do..."
"No!"
At this stage, Chalchas would begin to feign crying, in order to engage in a bit of moral blackmail.
"Pleeeease!"
"Look... I can't."
"Please Uncle Marc!" Marc was known as an uncle by the younger Adair-Kaia children, as he had been a lodger, on and off, for so long and a family friend for even longer that he was practically one of the clan.
"Pleeeeeeeeaaaaasee...."
"Oh, alright... it's a..."
"Marcumnas!" Helene said, intervening "Don't spoil it for him!"
"Oh alright Helene" Marc looked back at Chalchas "You're getting me in trouble now..."
Chalchas then pretended to get grumpy "Oh alright then... you're so mean!"
At this stage, Marc would ignore him until the child got bored. "Anyway Helene, how has your day been?"
"Oh fair enough darling, very busy. Honestly we'll never be ready in time for Christmas this year." She always said this, in an attempt to galvanise herself into further throes of effort, as it certainly couldn't be that she wouldn't actually be ready. "The panto preparations are going well... if you could watch the kids tonight until Emrys gets in, I have a rehearsal..." Helene spoke of her husband, who worked in the city. He was tall, blond and stern, who often came in late due to copious workload such a job entailed.
"Of course." Marc smiled. Looking after the three children that still lived at home was not really a chore, he loved kids and he got very cheap rent in return. Even with this, he could usually share responsibility with Bartok, a fellow lodger who was away with his family for Christmas. Marc had asked to stay with the Adair-Kaia family as his parents were on holiday in Australia, and so there would be no-one at home.
Helene looked over to her lodger “And how was your day? Productive I assume.”
“Yes, very.” Marc said. “The Lifestone Saga was good too, just like I imagined it. The crowds were terrible though.”
“They always are this time of year darling. It’s made worse by how humans love to flock together so.”
Marc nodded ruefully “Though I did meet a nice human today. A girl”
“Oh?” Helene adopted the tone of a woman whose interest has been piqued “A girl?”
Marc frowned “Not like that! I helped her carry her suitcases to her new house here in the village. I showed her the way.”
“I see...”
“She did ask me a funny question though... it sounded very much like the question.”
Helene stopped in mid pastry-roll. “Did she now?”
“She got it wrong though, the words were all muddled. Said her grandmother told her to ask it to everyone she met.”
Turning around, Helene's brow furrowed. “What did you say her name was?”
“I didn’t. It was Kate Fletcher”
Helene gave Marc an incredulous look. “Darling... she is one of us...”
Marc’s eyes went wide “What? But how?”
“Oh she simply doesn’t know that she is darling... at least that is what Kerry told me.” Though appearing to be single mother living in the rough end of the village, Kerry Sellar was in fact a powerful clairvoyant. If she had a vision, it could be counted upon. “A powerful blessing has kept the glamour going uninterrupted for all this time, though why anyone would have wanted to invoke such an thing is beyond me.”.
At this point, Chalchas had gotten bored, so decided to start asking stupid questions. “Mum, what’s glamour?” he piped up. He knew full well what it was, but was feeling starved of attention.
“Now don’t be silly darling, you know glamour is what we use to appear like the rest of them...”
Marc was still rather put out “Why didn’t you tell me?”
Helene waved her hand airily “Oh darling, you can’t expect me to remember everything” Marc narrowed his eyes, he knew full well that she did, in fact, remember everything, she had just not told him, thinking he didn’t need to know. “You’ll have to tell her”
“What?” Marc spluttered “Why me? I’m terrible at that sort of thing...”
“Oh no you are not, you’ll be fine” Helene said with a look that showed plainly “You will do it, or else. I'm far to busy and how will you come across if you aren't the one to tell her?” Knowing not to argue, Marc got up.
“I’d better go give her a call then...” he said glumly, taking his phone out of his coat pocket “Bye trouble” he finished, winking at Chalchas, who waved joyously back, not remotely phased by Marc's change in mood .
Carefully making his way across the horribly smooth floor, to the stairs, Marc contemplated how he would go about explaining to a girl who thought she was a perfectly normal mortal that she was, in fact, not. He hated situations like this, he always felt sorry for the poor innocent whose life he was about to completely redirect. Finally managing to reach the, thankfully carpeted, stairs, he smiled at the myriad of photographs showing all of his host family's numerous relatives as he ascended. Upon reaching the top, he opened the locked door to his room, and sat down ruefully on his bed. Painted with a green leaf pattern, the only room in the house that was truly his was dominated a huge bookcase that was practically a full library. The rest of the small bedroom was filled with all manner of bits and pieces, from archaeological tools and half-read books to certain finds he had taken back home for further study or storage before they were sent off to the relevant authority, be it mythical or otherwise. The walls were almost covered with post-stick notes scrawled with things to remember, or photographs of places that Marc had visited on his numerous trips around the world, or from university. He sat on his bed, and after resolving yet again to clear up his almost submerged desk, he unlocked his phone and dialled Kate’s number.
“Hello Kate, how is the moving in going? Listen I need to talk to you... is tomorrow evening at the Hare and Hounds alright?”

EDIT: Sorry, that was longer than I thought it would be. It's mainly the concept (suburban mythos) and the style of my narrative that I'm interested in your feedback on...

[jackokent]

Hi Elvendon, what a great idea. Really intrieging.

For the start of a story I felt it had a bit too much description which slowed it down. Maybe the reader needs to pick up more along the way rather than have it explained.

"he let out what seemed to be a long sigh. His body seemed to shimmer, and it seemed as though something fell from him." the word "seemed doesn't feel quite right and is used twice in quick successoin.

"but tottered on his hooves due to the smooth wooden floor." this felt a bit clumbsy as a description. The fact that he has hooves is really dramatic and I wondered if more could be made of it here.

"Carefully making his way across the horribly smooth floor, to the stairs, Marc contemplated how he would go about explaining to a girl who thought she was a perfectly normal mortal that she was, in fact, not. He hated situations like this, he always felt sorry for the poor innocent whose life he was about to completely redirect. Finally managing to reach the, thankfully carpeted, stairs, he smiled at the myriad of photographs showing all of his host family's numerous relatives as he ascended." there are some quite long sentences here and I wonder if you need to keep re-describing the stair / carpet thing.

I thought there were some clumbsy patches, which weren't up to the rest. If you read it out loud to yourself these might become more apparant. The main style though I thought was excellent and that's why the other bits stood out. I loved the description of the Helene, but again, so much description coming at the start of a storey could potentially lose momentum.

All this is just my opinion and sorry if I sound pedantic.

If this is a first stab then wow, keep stabbing. Excellent concept too.

[Elvendon]

Wow thanks! I'll keep on with the stabbing

You don't sound pedantic at all! They're all good points, it does sound a little heavy! I'll move the house descriptions further on into the text, and I'll delete the family bits in this chapter as I've talked about them later on in the book.

I've read it out to a friend, and he agrees with you, about it being a bit ponderous in places! This is good, it gives me something to do

Cheers for the feedback and support!

[Paradox 99]

Originally Posted by Elvendon

EDIT: Sorry, that was longer than I thought it would be. It's mainly the concept (suburban mythos) and the style of my narrative that I'm interested in your feedback on...

Well, I have to agree with jack there. The concept is great - a brilliant idea.

The concept does remind of something else though, I'm not sure what, but at the moment Harry Potter comes to mind. The idea that there is a whole group of people out there walking around in an ordinary society not realising they have some sort of supernatural power (magic) and then someone comes along and recruits them ... Ah - that's it ... now I remember ... X-Men!

That probably wasn't in your mind at all when you came up with this, and even if it was you've done a good job of taking something and giving it a fresh twist.

Yes, a great idea that should be explored further. I hope you give us some more.

As for style, this also seemed fine to me. It was very readable, a competent piece of story telling. There were a few grammar things I picked up. I won't pick them all out as I don't think that's what you were really looking for in the critique.
What I will point out is something that is a potential problem. I didn't see strong evidence of it in this exert, but because it's something I was completely unaware of until I read about it myself, and just in case you're not aware of it, I thought i'd drop this in.

Check through what you've written and eliminate the unnecessary vague words of description. I'm talking about "as if", "almost", "seems to". These words only demonstrate that a writer isn't confident that they can express what they see in their mind's eye. I saw "seems to" used a couple of times early on in this so that's what drew my attention to it - however, that's the only time I saw it so you may already be conscious of it.

Anyway, this was an entertaining read - I'd be glad to see more.

[Elvendon]

Hehe, I never throught of the X-men similarity Maybe I should cause Marc to break a leg on that wooden floor and go in a wheel chair... kidding!

I'll remove the "seems" as well, it does sound a little fruity... it's just I was going for appearance rather than the event, because at first I visualised it as a movie!

I'll post the re-written version of the first bit in a little while, but I'll need to write the next bit!

[Elvendon]

EDIT: Here is a bit I need help with. Kate and Marc are sitting in a pub, having dinner. They have just ordered they're food from Ailin, who is Helene's son and a waiter at the pub. Marc hasn't told Kate about her true nature yet, and this is the bit I need help with. Is the rapidity with which she accepts plausible?

Kate, deciding not to draw attention to Marc's gluttony, decided to change the subject. "So... you live with Ailin's family huh? What're they like?"
Marc smiled "Oh they're lovely, you'll really get on with them. There are four children, though their eldest, Niamh, has left home. She's a nurse and is living in London now. Ailin you've already met, he's still living with the family and is a bit of a charmer, though he's quite serious beneath it all, wants to..." Marc stopped, then cleared his throat "erm, wants to be a priest. The next eldest, Aislinn, A real dreamer. She once forgot her own birthday” Marc smiled “Then there is Calchas, he's really sweet. He's only five, but already a crafty little so-and-so." Marc laughed "The parents are nice, Emrys is the father, he has an office job in town, but does his best to help out at home when he is around... then there is Helene, she is... well you'll find out when you meet her. She is very much the mover and shaker in these parts..." he grinned.
"So how did you get to know them?" Kate asked.
"Oh, well I knew Niamh at university... she's much older than the rest of the children. When I told her that I needed somewhere to stay while I was working at the excavation near here, she suggested I stayed with her family, who were looking for a lodger at the time. I now stay with them whenever my research takes me back to this area... thank you”. Marc said, accepting his drink from the waitress.
Kate looked at Marc curiously, after thanking the waitress for her own drink. “You never told me... what are you researching?”
Marc’s face suddenly fell, and he sighed sadly. “I’m not who you think I am... you know...”
Kate frowned “What do you mean?”
Marc looked around, seeming a bit lost. “I... I... It’s the reason I asked to meet you here... as well as wanting to see you again...” he smiled faintly.
Kate by now was feeling very worried “What is it Marc? You can tell me...” she grasped his hands, which were resting together on the table.
Marc’s breathing was becoming rather short, he seemed to be the very epitome of nerves. “I’ve never been very good about saying this sort of thing, so I’ll just come straight out and say it” he took a deep breath “I’m not human”
Kate’s expression of polite concern froze.
“I’m a faun.”
Kate didn’t move. Moments passed.
“Please say something...” Marc pleaded.
“Oh God...” Kate thought “Out of everyone in England, I had to meet a madman”
“Oh-kay... how long have you thought you were a... faun did you say?” She said, trying to sound as normal as possible.
“Since I was born... and I am a faun!”
Kate smiled, utterly falsely “Oh of course you are!” she had adopted the air of someone who is trying to deal with insanity in someone else.
“I am!” Marc said, now getting rather cross. “Look, I’ll prove it...” He drew back, let out a little breath, then kicked Kate in the leg. Not hard, just tapping her with his foot. “Well” she thought “I’d say foot... but it felt...”
She looked under the table, and Marc’s left foot had been utterly replaced by a cloven hoof, which protruded out from the bottom of his jeans and was cleverly shielded from view by anyone but her by his normal, right leg. She returned her gaze to Marc, who smirked nervously. “See? A faun...”.
Kate was utterly astonished. “How is this possible? I mean... you’re meant to be fictional! A myth... like elves, or trolls, or Father Christmas...”
Marc coughed “Well, I don’t know about Father Christmas, but elves and trolls most certainly exist. I mean, the Adair-Kaias are half elven... well at least the children are. Emrys is a full Elf while Helene is a dryad... that’s a tree spirit that is not dependant upon any particular tree...” Marc trailed off. Kate looked as though she was made of wax, frozen on her seat. Just then, Ailin walked up carrying their meals.
“Here we go! You’re lucky, a load of people just left before they could eat, the meals were almost ready...” his small-talk trailed to a halt, as he noticed Marc’s exasperated expression and Kate frozen in shock. Before he could say anything, Kate spoke.
“Ailin.” she said in a shrill voice. “I’ve just been told by Marc that you are half-elf or some other crazy talk. Could you call the police? I think he’s insane... he’s strapped a goat’s leg to his ankle or something...”.
“I see you told her then.” Ailin said grimly, as Marc shrugged.
“I tried to tell your mother that I’d be terrible at this...”.
Kate looked thunderstruck, if being more shocked were possible. “You mean...?” she exclaimed, very quietly.
Ailin leant in, with a serious expression on his face. “Yes, it’s true. I’m one of the pointy-eared brigade. But don’t talk so loud, the sigils won’t be able to cope...” he said, gesturing at some little symbols carved into the ends of the alcove. Noticing Kate’s incomprehension, Marc elaborated “They make any conversation spoken within this place seem innocuous to unwanted listeners. At this time it probably sounds like we are talking about the food.”
Ailin drew back, and placed the salad and the steak in front of the respective customers. “Enjoy your meals.” he said, with a wink.
Kate looked from the salad to Marc. “So... you’re not lying? Or insane?”
A smile flickered across Marc's face “No, on both counts. At least, last time I checked.”
Kate almost smiled back. She did not know what to say, to think, to feel... Half expecting some vivacious television presenter to come round the corner, telling her that this had all been elaborate hoax, with Marc grinning at her inanely and pulling off the fake goat’s leg, Kate wondered what to do. But no TV presenter appeared, all there was, was Marc looking at her, his faced carved into the very image of concern. At last, she spoke.
“You’re asking me to believe that all I have ever though was unreal to be real...”
Marc shook his head. “Not everything... There are no such things as Centaurs for example.”
Kate grinned “Well that’s something I suppose...”. They both laughed. Curiosity finally overcame reason “If... I choose to believe you... will you answer my questions?”
Marc beamed, his relief coming across in his voice. “Anything you like”
Kate did not know where to start, but she thought she had to. “So... is Marc Silas your real name?”
Marc nodded “Well, yes... in a way. According to all official documents it is, but my true name, the one my parents gave me. That is Marcumnas Silasi. My public name is an Anglicisation of it. Most Sidhe do it, in order to fit in.”

[Elvendon]

“Sidhe?”
“Oh, that is the collective term for all the mythic peoples. That is, all the non-human sentients that can use the fey” Marc sought the human word that might describe it. "It's the manipulation of the world and things in it using the power of our souls... like magic..."
Kate’s eyes went wide “Magic exists?” She had half expected to be told that all the creatures that Marc spoke of to be mutants, rather than genuine magical creatures.
Marc replied “Oh yes, but not in the way most humans think of it... it’s not about waving your arms about and saying some mumbo jumbo. Nor is it about evil or wizards, that's why we don't use the word "magic" to describe it. It's not about some funny supernatural energy source, it’s about mana - spiritual power. It's partly related to your race, partly to your personality, partly to your family...”
Kate thought for a moment “Are there many... Sidhe in the world?”
Marc nodded “Oh yes, plenty. There are thousands living in Britain alone. Though we’re not evenly spread, there are far more living in some places than others... like here for example. About a fifth of the people in the village are Sidhe...”
By this time, they had both begun to eat. Kate could see why Marc had ordered so much food, he seemed ravenous.
Karen’s eyes widened “That many?”
“Yes, but like I said, we tend to flock together.”.
Kate looked around “Is anyone else here... one?”
Marc followed Kate’s gaze “Well...” He craned his neck “Oh... that family over there are gnomes, but I don‘t know them personally.” he said, pointing to a group of four people that looked normal, save for having ears that were slightly larger than one would usually expect. “Erm... Oh that there couple are merrows, the Hamptons. They just got married last year, lovely wedding.” he said, pointing at a black haired woman sitting next to a brown haired man wearing a sweatshirt that bore the logo of the local swimming team. Marc looked across the pub, to the table opposite, where an ugly, long haired old woman was talking avidly to a man with prematurely greying hair. “Oh, the woman there is a hag and the man is a werewolf.” Marc said impassively.
Kate gasped “How come they're in here? Aren’t they evil?”
Marc rolled his eyes “You’ve been reading too many human stories. Honestly, most humans are so shallow they’d think their own mother was a demon if she had horns. Many did, in fact... in the Middle Ages.”
Kate looked offended “Hey!”
Marc looked momentarily confused “Why should you be offende...” He clapped his hand over his mouth, looking horrified.
“What? “Why should I be offended?” Because I’m human of course...” Kate said, perturbed by this sudden rudeness, after Marc’s long-term civility.
Marc looked chronically embarrassed. Kate had stopped eating her salad, and Marc was chewing rather worriedly on a large piece of steak. He swallowed, and started to talk very quietly.
“Well... you see... you shouldn’t be offended because... you’re not human either”
Kate’s eyes now looked as though they were trying to leave their sockets “What?” she said, aghast. “I’m... not human?” Now she knew he was lying.
“Yes... We don’t know what you are, but we know you are not a human.”. Marc wished the floor would swallow him up.
“But... that’s impossible! You can see for yourself, from looking at me that I can‘t be like you! And who is this we?”
Marc raised an eyebrow “As you can see from me, that is no reliable guide. You see, all Sidhe have a gift that enables them to use glamour; it conceals our true nature, even from the rest of creation. While it’s active, we appear completely human.” He could tell from Kate’s poisonous look that that question was not the main one she wanted answering. “And by “we” I mean the synod of this village, it’s like a parish council, but for Sidhe. We look after our own. We knew you were coming because Kerry, this Naiad clairvoyant, had a vision about it. We also knew that you didn’t... know that is.” He smiled kindly “about your being one of us I mean. Helene and her friends were going to come and talk to you this morning, but when I met you first, so they felt it might be better for me to tell you first.”.
Kate was a nexus of emotions. She felt angry that these people who she didn’t even know knew more about her than she did, but then also pleased that they had cared enough to find out about her, and so make a concerted effort to inform her about what she would never have been able to discover otherwise. There was also, beneath all the confusion, a feeling of belonging, as though she was part of their world; that she fitted in with Marc and Ailin. At last, she gave in. Letting go of all her presumptions, Kate suddenly felt a considerable sense of peace.
“Thanks Marc.” She said smiling. “Now lets finish our meals before they get cold.”.
Marc looked overjoyed. He began to attack the steak again with gusto, and by this time his other meals had arrived.
As he continued to eat, he couldn’t help but try and guess at what Kate’s prospective race of Sidhe might be. The red hair meant she was unlikely to be one of his kind; Satyrs almost exclusively had brown or black hair. She could easily be an elf, but she didn’t really strike him as having that slightly austere air (or highly magnetic one) that the fair folk had. She just seemed... normal. Very kind, but not with any aura that allowed her to be easily identified. Her freckles seemed to rule out her being one of the furred races, like the werewolves, nandi or sphinx, as glamour always gave them matt skin. Her body also seemed too slight to be one of the larger, non-humanoid races, like dragons or gryphons, as they were always very tall and imposing, even with glamour. She was unlikely to be of a woodland or wilderness people, her love of cities seemed to rule that out. However, it was never reliable to try to guess the race of someone under the effect of glamour, especially someone who had been under it’s effects for as long as Kate had. Truth be told, Marc couldn’t guess how Helene and the other members of the synod planned to redress the blessing that had held Kate as she was. Perhaps she would always remain as a human, a waif-like woman of normal height, with her long flowing hair and pretty face being her most noticeable features. For Marc however, it was her pure, kind character that made her a person who he wanted to know. Kate, now more at ease, began to ask more questions.

[jackokent]

Hi Elvendon, more exciting stuff. Love the idea of the village of Sidhe, hiding their strangeness. Can see a masses of potential for this.

I love dialogue generally in books but this first piece I felt was too much info in one chunk. I guess Marc is probably talking nerviously to put off the moment when he tells her but it could come across as almost too conversational and doesn't really help the story.

Again I still felt, certainly in the first half there were some clumbsy patches. Maybe too much tennis like exchange ie Marc did this and Kate asked that and Marc looked like this ... if you see what I mean. I also think Again reading out loud might highlight this.

You also jumped in and out of Marc and Kates heads, and sometimes it is easier for the reader if they stay completely in one characters viewpoint for as long a chunk as possible.

I think also, when you qualify your adjectivs "utterly" astonished, "chronically" embarrassed it can sound weak. This would be fine in dialogue but is too conversational for description.

"but when I met you first, so they felt it might be better for me to tell you first.”. Uncomfortable sentence.

I think Kate is too accepting. I think she'd be more challenging and as she is starting to believe I wonder how she is sitting still. There is some great dramatic potential in telling someone they are surrounded by magical beings and they are one too. Possibly you are missing a trick by not making more of it.

Again just opinion. Others may not agree with me.

Great stuff, keep it coming.

[Elvendon]

Originally Posted by jackokent

Hi Elvendon, more exciting stuff. Love the idea of the village of Sidhe, hiding their strangeness. Can see a masses of potential for this.

Well I like it I did toy with the idea of making *almost* the entire village Sidhe, but I settled for a fifth... in hindsight, I'll bump it up to a third, as a fifth is a little pathetic :P

Originally Posted by jackokent

I love dialogue generally in books but this first piece I felt was too much info in one chunk. I guess Marc is probably talking nerviously to put off the moment when he tells her but it could come across as almost too conversational and doesn't really help the story.

I didn't think too much dialogue would be a good idea, but I needed to beef out amount of time they took over the meal, so I thought some dialogue might be a good way to do it. I'll have a re-read and put some "they talked about X" passages in instead.

Originally Posted by jackokent

Again I still felt, certainly in the first half there were some clumbsy patches. Maybe too much tennis like exchange ie Marc did this and Kate asked that and Marc looked like this ... if you see what I mean. I also think Again reading out loud might highlight this.

Willdo. I found this a bit of a problem while writing, I wasn't sure where to go with it. I'll reread and rewrite when I've made the conversation work a bit better in my head

Originally Posted by jackokent

You also jumped in and out of Marc and Kates heads, and sometimes it is easier for the reader if they stay completely in one characters viewpoint for as long a chunk as possible.

I'll have a think about that. I might remove the thoughts of one character (say Marc) to the end of the passage, and refer to Kate's thoughts all the way through.

Originally Posted by jackokent

I think also, when you qualify your adjectivs "utterly" astonished, "chronically" embarrassed it can sound weak. This would be fine in dialogue but is too conversational for description.

Duly noted. I'm a bit bad like that, I always make my essays sound like dialogue (or a lecture )

Originally Posted by jackokent

"but when I met you first, so they felt it might be better for me to tell you first.”. Uncomfortable sentence.

Whoops, didn't spot that. Consider it whacked

Originally Posted by jackokent

I think Kate is too accepting. I think she'd be more challenging and as she is starting to believe I wonder how she is sitting still. There is some great dramatic potential in telling someone they are surrounded by magical beings and they are one too. Possibly you are missing a trick by not making more of it.

I agree. I wasn't really that willing to have an overly long "waaaah I'm a freak" period here in the book, as I thought it might slow it down too much (much as the extensive description is doing now :P.). In order for the story to properly progress, Kate needs to move into the Adair-Kaia household, which I didn't particularly want to happen unless she has been told about it and at least has partially accepted it.

As for making a bit more high drama, there are three things I could think of...

1) Kate makes a massive scene when she finds out, shouting stuff out in the pub. However, I could make it so everyone in the pub is Sidhe, and they all try to comfort her/get cross with Mark/turn back into their normal selves to show her etc. However, I'm a bit averse to this as it would be very OOC for Kate, and seems a bit like in those kung fu movies where it turns out everyone, including all the bystanders, is a minion of the crime boss/dark master/other baddie.

2) Kate goes back to the Adair Kaia household w/o being told by Marc. She stays in a bedroom, but sees a nightime ritual being carried out by the family in the garden. She is petrified and leaves. They have to go find her, and she is rescued by Ailin from someone, leaving the way open for them to fall in love (awww.). This I think is a little fruity, because it requires either Marc to lie to Helene about telling her (in which case why does Helene not talk to her about it when they get home) or requires chronic stupidity on the part of the Adair-Kaias for conducting a blatant ritual when they have Kate in the house.

3) Marc tells her in the pub, and she storms out. Ailin goes out to look for her as above. This one isn't as dramatic as the others though.

Which do you think sounds better? I have the one I want, but I want to see what you guys think first

[jackokent]

Please remember this is only my opion. There apear to be quite a few published authors on this site and I am no where near to being one of them. Others have completely disagreed with my critiquing on other post (which is all the more fun) but just shows how objective this all is.

I think with your earlier bit of dialogue though that a writer should never "beef out" a scene for the sake of it. If nothing is happenning my view is nothing should be written. Every sentance or peice of dialogue should either move the story on or give the reader an insite into the characters.

As with the 3 choices, I don't know it's your story, so you must go with your own favorite. However is there just a fourth option of her being a bit more incredulous, believing it in bits then having a realitiy check, "no this isn't happenning" even thought deep down she can feel it is right. I quite like the idea of her seeing a secret ritual, but as you say, it would have to be done carefully. Marc would have to tell Helen that maybe she didn't want to talk about it or something. It does make Marc a liar and I don't get the impression he is. Unless he tells Kate and she thinks he's joking or mad and doesn't believe him even though he thinks she has.

Notwithstanding the possible cornyness of everyone in the pub being an accomplice, this could also be quite an amusing scene. Especioally if they do it one at a time, the waiter, the couple at the table etc.

What ever you decide, for me, it would need a bit more of a personal struggle to get myself to believe it, however much evidence I was shown. I'd question my own sanity before anything else and would probably be questioning that for some time.

Look forward to seeing what you go with. Sure it'll be good.

[Elvendon]

I know they are your opinions, but the thing is I agree with you about most of them
As for the beefing, well I wan't putting in irrelevant stuff, just plot exposition that could (and I think should) go elsewhere. I put it there because it seemed logical that after her miraculous and implausible rapid acceptance of the mythos, she would be very interested in it all.

The incredulity option number four, though probably the quickest, I think would be a bit boring for the reader. The amount of dialogue in this bit of the book is already titanic, without me extending it even further.

The issue with the ritual option is that she might jump to the wrong conclusion, she may think she may have stumbled into a wickerman style pagan cult, which it would be near impossible to lead her back towards. It would also be very difficult to include any sort of nighttime ritual without utterly shattering the carefully contructed atmosphere of normality that I have placed my characters in. The sheer averageness of the mythological races in this is what makes them special (within the genre), and what I want to preserve over everything else. With that in mind, I don't think the ritual is the best way to go.

The everyone-in-on-it-option, though corney, I like too. It was used to great effect in a children's book I once read called "The Secret of Platform 13.". It was similar to my book in that the mythological characters were magical, but also had normal lives, either on their own or as part of human society. They all conspired together to rescue this boy they thought was the prince, all taking a role and "coming out of the woodwork". It was placed at the end of the book, when you had become thoroughly enchanted with the characters and were really rooting for them. Hence, that is what I will do with this book, when Kate's brother get's his true nature revealed to him. minor spoiler there

So, I think I'll go with three. She will leave, being utterly wierded out by Marc, when Ailin will come over and use his gnarly elf-magnetisme to convince her

[Paradox 99]

Hi Elvendon,

Just thought I'd add my own two cents to Jack's.
This was a wonderful piece - a very enjoyable read again. As Jack says, there's some excellent potential here, and I'm sure you'll exploit that to the full. This is going to be a fun read.

Personally I didn't have an issue with the quantity and style of dialogue. Because the subject matter was so interesting and because it's always enjoyable to watch a character gradually start to understand a profound truth, I find a chunk of conversation like this perfectly fine.

I'd agree with Jack's assessment of the first chunk, though I too understand that you're displaying a sense of babbling nervousness there. The need to break that up wins over slightly I think. I was misled at first too. Because Kate was thinking about his gluttony, I assumed they were in the middle of a main meal or something. That being the case, I expected him to be eating in between statements. However, I noticed later that they were actually in between courses which is fine.

On to your main question:"Is the rapidity with which she accepts plausible?"

The way I see it there are 3 stages in this acceptance, all dependant on each other:
1) Kate believing that Marc is really a faun.
2) Kate believing that she's not human.
3) Kate accepting the idea that she's not human.

The first stage almost works, but there are a few tweaks I'd do to make it a little more convincing. If Kate is convinced that Marc is what he says he is, then it's not such a huge leap for her to believe the same about herself. Here are the bits that I'd change (though obviously just my personal opinion)

"How is this possible? I mean... you’re meant to be fictional! A myth... like elves, or trolls, or Father Christmas..."

This is subtle, but the fact that she says "you're meant" implies to me that she has virtually accepted it. If you changed it to "I mean... faun's are fictional!" then there's an element of denial still - no indication at that point that she believes him in any way.

Kate looked from the salad to Marc. "So... you’re not lying? Or insane?"

This is the point at which the reader now thinks that she's bought it. But why is she convinced at this point? It appears to be because Ailin had corroborated Marc's story - but to me that isn't good enough - he could be in on the prank. To make this a bit more convincing, you could have Ailin carefully brush back his hair a fraction to reveal a pointy ear. She's then seen two bits of evidence with her own eyes.

Kate's progression to then believing Marc in that she's not human comes across fine. I don't think there's a problem there.

But no.3? The acceptance of that conclusion?

At last, she gave in. Letting go of all her presumptions, Kate suddenly felt a considerable sense of peace.

This didn't seem convincing at all - it really wasn't an "at last". It was a bit sudden. I doubt that I'd be feeling any sort of peace after finding out that I'm not human so quickly. I think there'd be a range of emotions - panic being one of them. However, I think there's a possibility of a 5th option here.

How about this:

You could play on the idea that most people in the world feel that they're destined for a more significant life than the one they're living - that there should be deep purpose to life. To do that, she needs a moment of profound revelation and you could do that by getting her to leave the table briefly to go to the loo. She's in shock, so she asks Marc to excuse her for a few moments while she powders her nose.
She goes to the ladies room, and stares long and hard at her reflection in the mirror mulling over everything that's been said and considering the very meaning of her life (after all - this is pretty groundshaking stuff she's been told). It could be a short progression of feelings going through her mind at that point that makes the feeling of peace and acceptance more believable. To make the scene more interesting, you could even have a woman pass her in the loo who winks at her, understanding "that look" that Kate has, and reveals a hidden tail briefly before she leaves. Getting carried away - just a thought.

Anyway, couple of other things before I go on all night...

Kate, deciding not to draw attention to Marc's gluttony, decided to change the subject.

Get rid of the second "decided" - you only need the first:
"Kate, deciding not to draw attention to Marc's gluttony, changed the subject."

she had adopted the air of someone who is trying to deal with insanity in someone else.

Not sure about that line. It changes tense and feels awkward. How about
"She had adopted the air of someone trying to deal with a nutcase."

"I am!" Marc said, now getting rather cross.

I find it hard to believe he'd get cross actually. He obviously realises that this is a hard story for anyone to swallow, so her reaction should be no surprise.

his faced carved into the very image of concern.

face not faced

"You’re asking me to believe that all I have ever though was unreal to be real..."

thought not though.

Anyway, I hope that helped some. I hope we'll see more of this, it's a great idea and you've written it so well.

[Elvendon]

Thanks Paradox! I didn't want to write my reply until I'd finished the chapter. I've made some changes, and hopefully it's better for it:

Chapter 3:
As she approached the Hare and Hounds, Kate felt rather glad that her day was finally over. She had spent all morning scouring the locale for jobs, with which she had limited success, only finding a vacancy at a meatpacking plant. This, she was putting off applying for, hoping something less visceral would present itself. She had also tried looking for her family, but with even less success than her job hunt. The weather did not help much either - the threats the weather men had been making of freezing rain from somewhere on the nasty side of the Urals had been realised. The thought of a nice pub dinner with her new friend was really the only thing that had kept her going. Picking a path through the car-park trying to avoid the large, muddy puddles, Kate made her way to the front door, recessed slightly into the black and white facade of the pub. Stepping into the balmy, smoky interior, she looked around, taking in the atmosphere. It was one of those traditional, unfortunately rare pubs for which the Home Counties are famed, many having been claimed by people wanting to create a low-quality French Bistro in the middle of Berkshire, or by avaricious restaurant chains wanting to homogenise such places for the travelling family market. As it was, the Hare and Hounds had thankfully escaped such purges, and was still a local pub, serving ham, egg and chips, bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwiches, steak and kidney pie and other such samples of honest fare. There were several small groups of people sitting around the aged tables and in the hidden alcoves, all far too interested in enjoying themselves and the company of others to take any notice of the newcomer. A ruddy faced barman and his equally ruddy faced, though considerably more svelte, wife stood behind the bar serving the customers both alcohol and an audience. Kate suddenly heard someone call her name, and there was Marc, smiling and beckoning her over to an alcove on the other side of the room. She went across and Marc stood up to greet her.
"Hello Kate! How are you?" Giving her a polite peck on the cheek before they both sat down.
"Ugh terrible." she said morosely "The weather has been awful, I've had no luck finding any evidence of my family and the only jobs here are just horrible. And you should see where I'm staying..." Kate shuddered.
"Oh? Is it that bad?" Marc looked concerned.
"No, it's worse. The woman there is an absolute ogre!" A fleeting look of hope passed Marc's face, replaced rapidly by one of disappointment. "She has this nasty big dog, but won't let me keep pets, bring friends home, come in any later than 10pm, keep my own food, have a heater even though the room is freezing, stay in the house during the day..." Kate trailed off, not having the heart to go through the entire list.
"I am sorry... is there nowhere else?"
"Not that I can find... ugh this whole year has been a nightmare!" Kate said, finally loosing her temper "First Auntie Muriel died, I lost the house because the mortgage couldn't be paid, then I had to come over here as a condition of the will... at Christmas too!... and now all this..." Kate started to sob.
"Oh dear! Don't cry... look, I'll help you out..." Marc stuttered, but before he could speak again, a voice interjected from next to them
"Hey Marc... is this that new girl?" Both of them looked up. Standing there was a young man, about the same age as Kate, with long, floppy, blond hair, familiar deep, green eyes and wearing the pub's black polo shirt.
Marc looked a little happier "Oh yes Ailin, this is Kate Fletcher, just moved here from the States." Marc looked back to Kate "Kate, this is Ailin Adair-Kaia, I live with his family.".
Ailin flashed Kate a smile "Hi"
Kate smiled back in spite of the tears. "An unusual name you've got there Ailin"
Ailin grinned. "Yeah, I'm part Irish, part Greek. My parents wanted to give me a "traditional" name. It's a bit surprising I got a job here actually, being an alcoholic who likes smashing plates." he said with evident sarcasm. Kate giggled. "Oh Marc? Mum wanted me to tell you that Bartok has decided to stay in the Czech republic after all. So it looks like we have that room free..." His eyes almost imperceptibly slid to Kate for a moment, then back to Marc.
"Oh! That is good news!" Marc turned to beam at Kate "You could come and stay with us!"
"Really?" Kate looked at the other two. "Are you sure that would be okay?" Ailin fixed Marc with his dark green eyes, and Marc looked meaningfully back.
Ailin looked adamant "I'm sure mum won't mind... she always likes having a full house... who are you staying with at the moment?"
"Mrs White... down Stockton crescent"
"No! Not tighty-whitie! She's evil! Marc, how could you let her stay there?"
Marc appeared a little flustered "Well, I can't be expected to keep track of all the unpleasant people in the village... I didn't know where she lived..."
Ailin looked indignant "Unpleasant? She bloody well stole my bike when I was twelve for riding it too loudly... no joke" he said, smiling at Kate, who was giggling again. Ailin looked at the bar, then back at Marc and Kate "Look, I'll get in trouble for chatting..." he made a big show of deftly whipping out his notebook and pen, initiating more giggles from the female end of the alcove and a grin from Marc. "Can I take your order?"
Marc caught Kate's eye "This is my treat, so order what you like. And before you say anything, it's fine" he said, stopping Kate from protesting. "Right, I'll have a steak and chips... the spaghetti bolognaise... a BLT... and some garlic bread please.". Ailin wrote all this down without even batting an eyelid.
Kate, after looking aghast at this titanic order for a moment, cast her eyes over the menu and turned to Ailin. "I'll have a Caesar salad please..."
"Sure..." Ailin said "And to drink?" Marc ordered a glass of red wine while Kate ordered a rum and coke. Ailin smiled and nodded "Well, I'll see you both later. Nice meeting you Kate." He grinned, and went off to the kitchen to deliver their order.
Kate, not wanting to draw attention to Marc's gluttony, decided to change the subject. "So... you live with Ailin's family huh? What're they like?"
Marc smiled "Oh they're lovely, you'll really get on with them. There are four children, though their eldest, Niamh, has left home. She's a nurse and is living in London now. Ailin you've already met, he's still living with the family and is a bit of a charmer, though he's quite serious beneath it all, wants to..." Marc stopped, then cleared his throat "erm, wants to be a priest."
Kate smiled "you wouldn't think it, from talking to him.".
Marc nodded "No, he doesn't seem the type does he?"
"What about the others?"
Marc continued "The next eldest, Aislinn, has her head right up in the clouds. She once forgot her own birthday” Marc smiled “Then there's Calchas, he's really sweet. He's only five, but already a crafty little so-and-so." he laughed "The parents are nice, Emrys is the father, he has an office job and a flat in London, so he isn't around much... then there is Helene, she is... well you'll find out when you meet her. She is very much the mover and shaker around here..." he grinned.
"So how did you get to know them?" Kate asked.
"Oh, well I knew Niamh at university... she's much older than the rest of the children. When I told her that I needed somewhere to stay while I was working at the excavation near here, she suggested I stayed with her family, who were looking for a lodger at the time. I now stay with them whenever my research takes me back to these parts... thank you”. Marc said, accepting his drink from the waitress.
Kate looked at Marc curiously, after thanking the waitress for her own drink. “You never told me... what are you researching?”
Marc’s face suddenly fell, and he sighed sadly. “I’m not who you think I am... you know...”
Kate frowned “What do you mean?”
Marc looked around, seeming a bit lost. “I... I... It’s the reason I asked to meet you here... as well as wanting to see you again...” he smiled faintly.
Kate by now was feeling rather worried “What is it Marc? You can tell me...” she grasped his hands, which were limply resting together on the table.
Marc’s breathing was becoming rather short; he seemed to be the very epitome of nerves. “I’ve never been very good about saying this sort of thing, so I’ll just come straight out and say it” he took a deep breath “I’m not human”
Kate’s expression of polite concern froze.
“I’m a faun.”
Kate didn’t move. Moments passed.
“Please say something...” Marc pleaded.
“Oh God...” Kate thought “Out of everyone in England, I had to meet a madman”
“Oh-kay... how long have you thought you were a... faun did you say?” She said, trying to sound as normal as possible.
“Since I was born... and I am a faun!”
Kate smiled falsely “Oh of course you are!”
“I am!” Marc said patiently. “Look, I’ll prove it...” He drew back, let out a little breath, then kicked Kate in the leg. Not hard, just tapping her with his foot.
“Well” she thought “I’d say foot... but it felt...”
She looked under the table, and Marc’s left foot had been utterly replaced by a cloven hoof, which protruded out from the bottom of his jeans and was cleverly shielded from view by anyone but her by his normal, right leg. She returned her gaze to Marc, who smirked nervously. “See? A faun...”.
Kate was astonished. “How is this possible? I mean... fauns don't exist! They're a myth... like elves, or trolls, or Santa Claus...”
Marc coughed “Well, I don’t know about Santa, but elves and trolls most certainly exist. I mean, the Adair-Kaias are half elven... well at least the children are... Emrys is a full elf while Helene is a dryad... that’s a tree spirit that is not dependant upon any particular tree...” Marc trailed off. Kate looked as though she was made of wax, frozen on her seat. Just then, Ailin walked up carrying their meals.
“Here we go! You’re lucky, a load of people just left before they could eat, their meals were almost ready...” his small-talk trailed to a halt, as he noticed Marc’s exasperated expression and Kate frozen in shock. Before he could say anything, Kate spoke.
“Ailin.” she said in a shrill voice. “I’ve just been told by Marc that you are half-elf or some other crazy talk. Could you call the police? I think he’s insane... he’s strapped a goat’s leg to his ankle or something...”.
“I see you told her then.” Ailin said grimly, as Marc shrugged.
“I tried to tell your mother that I’d be terrible at this...”.
Kate looked thunderstruck, if being more shocked were possible. “You mean...?” she exclaimed, very quietly.
Ailin leant in, with a serious expression on his face. “Yes, it’s true. I’m one of the pointy-eared brigade.". He shook his head, and Kate's eyes widened at the momentary sight of a little, pointed ear poking out from between Ailin's blond locks. It was unmistakable, but was gone in a moment, hidden again by it's golden screen "But don’t talk so loud, the sigils won’t be able to cope...” he said, gesturing at some little symbols carved into the ends of the alcove.
Noticing Kate’s incomprehension, Marc elaborated “They make any conversation spoken within this place seem innocuous to unwanted listeners. At this time it probably sounds like we are talking about the food.”
Ailin drew back, and placed the salad and the steak in front of the respective customers. “Enjoy your meals.” he said, with a wink.
Kate looked from the salad to Marc. “So... you’re not lying? Or insane?”
A smile flickered across Marc's face “No, on both counts. At least, last time I checked.”
Kate almost smiled back. She did not know what to say, to think, to feel... Half expecting some vivacious television presenter to come round the corner, telling her that this had all been elaborate hoax, with Marc grinning at her inanely and pulling off the fake goat’s leg, Kate wondered what to do. But no TV presenter appeared, all there was, was Marc looking at her, his faced carved into the very image of concern. At last, she spoke.
“You’re asking me to believe that all I have ever thought was unreal to be real...”
Marc shook his head. “Not everything... There are no such things as Centaurs for example.”
Kate grinned “Well that’s something I suppose...”. They both laughed. Curiosity finally overcame reason. “If... I choose to believe you... what does all this mean?”
Marc's face contorted a little in confusion "Mean? Well... nothing really. We exist... we lead normal lives like everyone else... not much else to tell really. It's not like we charge around battling demons or anything.".
Kate, still reeling from this massive revelation, decided to get some things clear, before she did anything else. “So... is Marc Silas even your real name?”
Marc nodded “Well, yes... in a way. According to all official documents it is, but my true name, the one my parents gave me is Marcumnas Silasi. My public name is an Anglicisation of it. Most Sidhe do it, in order to fit in.”
“Sidhe?”
“Oh, that is the collective term for all the mythic peoples. That is, all the non-human sentients that can use the fey” Marc sought the human word that might describe it. "It's the manipulation of the world and things in it using our spirits... like magic..."
Kate’s eyes went wide “Magic exists?” She had half expected to be told that all the creatures that Marc spoke of to be mutants, rather than genuine magical creatures.
Marc replied “Oh yes, but not in the way most humans think of it... it’s not about waving your arms about and saying some mumbo jumbo. Nor is it about evil or wizards, that's why we don't use the word "magic" to describe it. It's not about some funny supernatural energy source, it’s about mana - spiritual power. It's partly related to your race, partly to your personality, partly to your family...”
Kate thought for a moment “Are there many... Sidhe in the world?”
Marc nodded “Oh yes, plenty. There are thousands living in Britain alone. Though we’re not evenly spread, there are far more living in some places than others... like here for example. About a third of the people in the village are Sidhe...”
By this time, they had both begun to eat. Kate could see why Marc had ordered so much food, he seemed ravenous.
Karen’s eyes widened “That many?”
“Yes, but like I said, we tend to flock together.”.
Kate looked around “Is anyone else here... one?”
Marc followed Kate’s gaze “Well...” He craned his neck “Oh... that family over there are gnomes, but I don‘t know them personally.” he said, pointing to a group of four people that looked normal, save for having ears that were slightly larger than one would usually expect. “Erm... Oh that there couple are merrows, the Hamptons. They just got married last year, lovely wedding.” he said, pointing at a black haired woman sitting next to a brown haired man wearing a sweatshirt that bore the logo of the local swimming team. Marc looked across the pub, to the table opposite, where an ugly, long haired old woman was talking avidly to a man with prematurely greying hair. “Oh, the woman there is a hag and the man is a werewolf.” Marc said impassively.
Kate gasped “How come they're in here? Aren’t they evil?”
Marc rolled his eyes “You've been reading too many human stories. Honestly, most humans are so shallow they’d think their own mother was a demon if she had horns. Many did, in fact... in the Middle Ages.”
A dark bubble of offence rose in Kate's chest “Hey!”
Marc looked momentarily confused “Why should you be offende...” He clapped his hand over his mouth, looking horrified.
“What? “Why should I be offended?” Because I’m human of course...” Kate said, perturbed by this sudden rudeness, after Marc’s long-term civility.
His embarrassment was obvious. Kate had stopped eating her salad, and Marc was chewing rather worriedly on a large piece of steak. He swallowed, and started to talk very quietly.
“Well... you see... you shouldn't be offended because... you’re not human either”
Kate’s eyes now looked as though they were trying to leave their sockets “What?” she said, aghast. “I’m... not human?” Now she knew he was lying.
“Yes... We don’t know what you are, but we know you are not a human.”. Marc's expression was of real misery.
“But... that’s impossible! You can see for yourself, from looking at me, that I can‘t be like you! And who is this we?”
Marc raised an eyebrow “As you can see from me, that is no reliable guide." He could tell from Kate’s poisonous look that that question was not the main one she wanted answering. “And by “we” I mean the synod of this village, it’s like a parish council, but for Sidhe. We look after our own." He smiled kindly “about your being one of us I mean. Helene and her friends were going to come and talk to you this morning, but as I met you first, they felt it might be better for me to explain things...”.
Kate was a nexus of emotions. She felt angry that these people who she didn't even know knew more about her than she did, but then also pleased that they had cared enough to find out about her, and so make a concerted effort to inform her about what she would never have been able to discover otherwise. There was also, beneath all the confusion, a feeling of belonging, as though she was part of their world; that she fitted in with Marc and Ailin. But she couldn't take all this... not now, not here. It was just too improbable. Filled with a tempest of thought, Kate needed space. She leapt to her feet, and choked out a-few words of apology "I'm sorry Marc, I just... can't. I just can't.". Leaving a half-eaten salad, a shocked faun and a pub full of curious drinkers, Kate fled out into the night, rushing into the merciful space like a moth to a flame.

The next chapter will be about Ailin helping Kate come to terms with things, set in the wet village green. I think I'm going to write the whole thing from Ailin's perspective... I'm a bit bored of Kateangst(tm), what do you think?

[jackokent]

HI Evlendon

I really really liked the start, much better. Also, love your natural easy descriptions and style. There were a few unessary words I though such as rather and utterly, that didn't seem to add much to the narative.

However, If I am honest, I still don't find Kate's reaction believable. It didn't seem realistic that she would have called out to a more or less stranger to call the police on her friend, and that seemed a bit of a mean reaction anyway. Also, no where in this does she think "Hang on, they're having me on". That would have been my very first reaction when Ailin confirmed Marc's story.

This is such a vital point in your story it really has to be totally believable. And for me it's still missing something. I'm trying to think what I myself woudl feel and my own reactions (I apprecaite Kate has always felt a little different so she will be more accepting) but it still feels a bit, I don't know, easy.

However, again just my opinion. Loving it. Keep going.