Ocean Black - Part 12

[Paradox 99]

A little later than planned this episode... been a busy week!
I tried using the bullet points for thoughts as suggested, but it didn't quite look right and the formatting freaked out. Hopefully the itallics should still be okay to indicate thought though...

Part 12

'Good to see you too, sir!' said Bailyn feigning hurt surprise. 'Don't you want to thank me for slaying the beast?'

A low rumbling of disapproval boiled out from between Krith'Nag's jaws.

'What you did was foolishness bordering on the realms of insanity, young man.' Raphael's voice was a mix of anger and concern. 'Do you have any idea what this creature is?'
'A dragon! And what a dragon!' Bailyn ran past Raphael right up to the great black head resting in the dirt. He promptly began to wrestle with a leathery jowl, pushing it down to reveal festering gums and a rotting tooth the size of an elephant's tusk. Raphael watched speechless as the unknown woman walked past him too, her eyes briefly stabbing him with disdain before she turned them with considerably less malice on Bailyn.

'Get away from it, boy. Can't you see it still breathes?'
She grabbed his arm and yanked him away from the deadly jaws.
'Hey! It's mine! I brought it down, didn't I?'
'You? You'd be kibbled meat between its festering jaws if the High Prime hadn't bested it.'
Bailyn's jaw dropped in outrage, 'I -',
'Who are you?' Raphael demanded, silencing the boy with a wave of his hand.
She turned, slowly, placing one hand on her hip. The other hand played with the handle of her mace as she eyed him up and down, a scowl of restrained contempt curving her lined features.
'What concern is it of yours?'

Raphael cocked his head, eyeing her through half-closed lids, sizing her up. This was no ordinary woman, that much was obvious by her attire. Her battle-dress had the insignia of the old Amrashian Guard - a military order made up of the greatest male fighters. It had been disbanded soon after the Great Culling when the Magi became the protectors of the island, but there were rumours that the order had continued secretly - and now it seemed they were recruiting women too.

I'll have to watch this one. She has fire behind those eyes.

'The welfare of every soul on this island happens to be my concern. Now, tell me who you are and why you are here, or I will send you back to wherever it was you came from with a curse to remind you of whom it was you treated with such disrespect.'

She stared back at him. Hard grey eyes set in a hard weathered face. Slowly the challenging gaze gave way to a nonchalant smile.

'I'm Sorcia, protector of this island and I came here to make sure you don't get into trouble.'
'Protector?' Raphael raised his eyebrows. 'So why did you bring the boy?'
'A deal. He knew where you were heading. I stopped him from coming here until he promised to take me with him.'

How did Bailyn know where I was going? Only the highest of Mages know where to find Krith'Nag.

Raphael turned his attention back to the boy who was now covering his nose as he picked at the exposed tooth.
A hostile voice echoed through the High Prime's mind.

If you do not remove this child before I have fully recovered, I will snap its hands from its arms and chew upon its ugly head... And remove these bolts from eye.

'Bailyn!' Raphael barked. 'Step away from the dragon! Now!'

[NSMike]

Just one section, I think, merits another look.

Originally Posted by Paradox 99

This was no ordinary woman, that much was obvious by her attire.

This seems a bit unnecessary. I was pretty sure she wasn't ordinary already. I would say use a direct description, and let the reader determine just how extraordinary the woman was. For example,

Originally Posted by Paradox 99

This was no ordinary woman, that much was obvious by her attire. Her battle-dress...

Would work better as something like:

The armor she wore was not unlike the scales of the Krith'Nag. The leather was scarred and worn, much of it stained with blood, most likely not hers. The steel of the chest piece showed signs of great craftsmanship. Scrollwork and patterns had been etched into the surface of the metal, but this was only evident on the areas not protecting her most vulnerable spots. She had clearly been in enough fights to have worn the armor to the point that it was not merely protection, but a badge, signifying her warrior's prowess.

I had trouble with this exposition as well:

Originally Posted by Paradox 99

had the insignia of the old Amrashian Guard - a military order made up of the greatest male fighters. It had been disbanded soon after the Great Culling when the Magi became the protectors of the island, but there were rumours that the order had continued secretly - and now it seemed they were recruiting women too.

It would seem to me that if there were rumors that they were still around, would this insignia be so prominent that Raphael would recognize it so easily? Perhaps something like this is more in order:

The armor bore a unique insignia, one that not many would recognize. It was from ancient days, signifying the Amrashian Guard, a group of warriors bearing the responisbility of protecting the island long before the Magi had assumed that duty. History says that they had disbanded after the Great Culling, but legend held that the most devoted of them could not abandon their duty and leave it to the Magi, so they continued in secret. Raphael was one of the few remaining alive who would recognize the insignia for what it was. Traditionally, the order only initiated men, but as times change, so do traditions.

Of course, if you're going to be as long-winded as I am, we'd probably have to wait several weeks for each installment, and I don't want that to happen , so proceed however you like. Just preference for myself.

[Elvendon]

I really liked this. Although, I'm not sure about

"Hard grey eyes set in a hard weathered face. Slowly the challenging gaze gave way to a nonchalant smile."

The repetition of hard sounds a bit ponderous to me, though it does work as a mirroring of features. The use of challenging sounds a bit wierd as well... do you mean that she was challenging him? I've not heard it used in that sense before, and it sounds a little like a lesser figure trying to to rebel against a greater one. Perhaps a word like "scornful" or "contemptuous" might be better...

just my thoughts though, it's great as it is!

[jackokent]

Another brilliant episode. Not as much action obvioulsy but I prefered the style slightly to the others.

"This was no ordinary woman," I agree with MsMike, this sentence seemed funny for some reason.

"She has fire behind those eyes." She and those seemed a bit strange. Maybe "there is fire" or "she has fire behind her eyes"?

"a curse to remind you of whom it was you treated with such disrespect.' This sounded a bit conveluted

I really am getting ridiculously picky now. That just shows how good it is. Can't wait for more.

[Paradox 99]

Thanks again guys.
Great comments as always, and its also nice to see 3 more eyes looking at my writing (thanks Elvendon ). The observation on her challenging gaze was interesting actually. Didn't think of it like that - subtle, but that's a good point.
And yes, I agree with both of you (Jack and NSMike) about the "no ordinary woman". I'll pop in a rewrite.

[Elvendon]

Originally Posted by Paradox 99

Thanks again guys.
Great comments as always, and its also nice to see 3 more eyes looking at my writing (thanks Elvendon ). The observation on her challenging gaze was interesting actually. Didn't think of it like that - subtle, but that's a good point.
And yes, I agree with both of you (Jack and NSMike) about the "no ordinary woman". I'll pop in a rewrite.

I'll keep my third eye on you, that's for sure

[Alicia]

Sorry I was so late catching up!

As always an excellent piece, Paradox!

I agree with JackOKent about the repitition of "hard" (though I LOVE the descriptive line as a whole! ). Perhaps you could replace the first "hard" with "cold"?

Just a suggestion, anywho.....really enjoying the story - keep up the great work!