Battle of Malevolo: New Start!

[Threddy]

I've decided to write some chapters before where my original story started. Please critique on anything. Here it is!

The sound of crying echoed around the small village in the south of Poderotum. Children struggled to escape the soldiers’ grips on them. Some kicked out to no prevail, as the soldiers gripped tighter every time they got a sting in their leg or a different part of their body. Their duty was to collect all seven year old kids, and that was what they were planning to do. Parents hugged each other, some crying, others trying other ways of escaping their grief. Toshu, a young seven year old boy, shouted towards his parents.
‘Help, mummy, daddy, I don’t want to go with these men. Help me!’ His cries would not change anything but he was too young to understand. He watched as the green trees that surrounded his village got smaller. To his eyes they started to wilt but he knew this time that that was not the case. However the trees were not wilting. This time, he knew, it was him. Around him other children were crying, on the broad shoulders of the men that were already veterans in the army. The soldiers marched at a pace no young child would be able to walk, Toshu was quite amazed, but he was too sad to let this show. He ran his fingers through his short brown hair. His normally bright blue eyes started to dim as they darted around in his confusion. His parents had not told him that this would happen, he had seen other boys being taken before but had never understood why, and had not been brave enough to ask. Toshu closed his eyes and rested his head on the shoulder of the man that was carrying him. ‘Why, why,’ he asked himself as sleep slowly washed over him.

Thanks, Threddy

[scalem X]

It needs work on the style, the content seems fine.
You want to say things and seem to have a good percentage of dialogue/needless info/vial info, but you need to work on the way you write things down.

... the men that were already veterans in the army.

"army veterans" gives as much info and sounds better. I make this mistakes too and you know what, that's because my english isn't as developed as it should be. Don't just train on your english, keep writing, but try to tell things clear and direct when talking.

Parents hugged each other, some crying, others trying other ways of escaping their grief.

"found comfort in each other's arms/embraced" would be better, since hugging sounds too happy for me. Try to improve your style and search for the right words, it would really give more expression to the content.

[chrispenycate]

Originally Posted by Threddy

I've decided to write some chapters before where my original story started. Please critique on anything. Here it is!

The sound of crying echoed around the small village in the south of Poderotum. Children struggled to escape the soldiers’ grips on them

doesn't need the "on them"

. Some kicked out to no prevail,

to no avail

as the soldiers gripped tighter every time they got a sting in their leg or a different part of their body. Their duty was to collect all seven year old kids, and that was what they were planning to do. Parents hugged each other, some crying, others trying other ways of escaping their grief. Toshu, a young seven year old boy, shouted towards his parents.

young seven?

‘Help, mummy, daddy, I don’t want to go with these men. Help me!’ His cries would not change anything

comma

but he was too young to understand. He watched as the green trees that surrounded his village got smaller. To his eyes they started to wilt but he knew this time that that was not the case. However

why "however"?

the trees were not wilting. This time, he knew, it was him. Around him other children were crying, on the broad shoulders of the men that were already veterans in the army. The soldiers marched at a pace no young child would be able to walk,

full stop, or possibly semicolon

Toshu was quite amazed, but he was too sad to let this show.

too sad for this to show ? (the "let" isn't affected by the sadness

He ran his fingers through his short brown hair. His normally bright blue eyes started to dim

I don't understand the eyes"dimming"- because he's getting tired?

as they darted around in his confusion. His parents had not told him that this would happen, he had seen other boys being taken before but had never understood why, and had not been brave enough to ask. Toshu closed his eyes and rested his head on the shoulder of the man that was carrying him. ‘Why, why,’ he asked himself as sleep slowly washed over him.

Thanks, Threddy

Yes, I know- you don't like the grammatical ones, and I do like the background supplied by this excerpt, despite it possibly appearing that I'm shooting it full of holes.

[Threddy]

Thanks Scalem for your view and Chris as well.

Yes, I know- you don't like the grammatical ones,

actually this time I did want some grammatical changes, so thanks.

I don't understand the eyes"dimming"-

they were dimming because he was sad and brightness was fading from him.
It was However the trees were not wilting, because Toshu thought they were if you see what I mean.
Thanks both of you!

[Alicia]

Sorry to be so late, Threddy - but I just wanted to say, good job on the re-write in so far as content....however, I would suggest a little more work on your style - try not to overexplain.

Keep up the great work!

[Paradox 99]

Hey Threddy, I'm also very late with this, but hopefully, I can still be of some use.

As everyone else has said, yes, you still need to keep polishing that style until it's bright and shiny so keep plugging away at it.

These were my main observations:

Children struggled to escape the soldiers’ grips on them. Some kicked out to no prevail, as the soldiers gripped tighter every time they got a sting in their leg or a different part of their body.

I think this bit needs rewording a bit differently:
"Children struggled to escape the soldiers' hold on them. Some kicked out, causing the soldiers to tighten their grip, but to no avail."

Their duty was to collect all seven year old kids, and that was what they were planning to do.

I'd say that they're actually doing it, rather than planning to.

The scene carries with it an emotional charge though, so it was good to read - just needs the usual tidying.

[Threddy]

Thanks a lot, I don't mind it being late, I haven't checked your work for a while either, look out for a new posting that me and my friend have been working on.