Lucius (2)

[Marky Lazer]

Ok, I decided to pick up my Lucius project once more. Here's a revised draft of the first part. I also changed the setting from Sci-fi to Fantasy.

Being blind is bliss and grief; it’s so much easier to see the Empress’s true paths, but it’s so much harder to find the way back when you went astray.

– from ‘The Journal of the Fifth Age of Lucius’

by Ebar, Dordeides Tutor Supremus

Alex opens his eyes, and sees the first sun shining bright through the wooden bars, as every day. He feels tired, hasn’t slept at all last night.
- I can hardly sleep when it’s not dark.
A curse for a Dordeides’ son.
- I know, shut up.
The sheets sweaty, and sticky on his body. He doesn’t blink and keeps staring into that immense orange ball of fire, ‘The Leading Light’.
- The Light that shows us the way.
It’s dead quiet in Alex’s room. Outside the sound of the ever-lasting stamping of the Daharir. The gigantic creatures, able to carry fifty times their own weight, and able to pull even more.
- What would we be without them?
“Aeîr báh!” a voice screams, followed by jolt that almost throws Alex out of his bed. - Time for the replacements.
Alex keeps staring into The Light. - Without the Leading Light we wouldn’t live, but at the same time it can and will hurt us with sunburn or dehydration or blindness.
“Good evening,” Yhoa whispers cheerfully, right after he climbed into Alex’s room.
“Uncle…” Alex answers softly, and lets his mind wander off for a second to that dreadful night. He didn’t recall anything about it himself, but the stories were enough. Since that night Yhoa was the only family he got.
“What’s so scary about the inside of your eyelids, lad?” Yhoa asked.
- He speaks in riddles, he knows. “To sleep is to dream, to dream is to wander off.” Alex answered with one of the many adages he read and remembered.
“I can’t recall the arguments I had to teach you to write and read,” Yhoa says with a grin, “Do you?” He chuckles. It makes Alex nervous. - A man like Yhoa shouldn’t chuckle.
“You’re up for abandonment if you keep chuckling...” Alex replies.
“Have you ever seen a bird?”
- He knows I haven’t, I need not to answer.
“Birds tell you more than the wisest of men, even if their songs sound like chuckling.”
“Any other greatness about the mighty race of birds?” Alex reacts annoyed. - Always the riddles.
“I’ve been told it sounds funny when you break the necks of particular small ones.” Yhoa says joking after some thought.
“Why does everything need to die with you?” Alex asks.
“Keep your voice down,” Yhoa hisses and looks around to be sure no one heard his nephew’s outburst.
“I didn’t mean in a way like that,” Alex responds, still annoyed.
“I’m the one having custody over you, remember?” Yhoa asks, but it isn’t a question. Fear in his voice.
“I said I didn’t mean it that way,” Alex repeats.
Then why the doubt in your voice, nephew.
“Thin ice, lad,” Yhoa says, “Thin ice.”
But can it be? Yhoa asks himself. It is the time. “Maybe you should go study.”
Why this chance all of a sudden?
- Why should I bother?
The library his life; the fate of a Dordeides Sage for the future.
Alex climbs down the wooden ladder. The library is the only space totally covered to preserve the precious tomes in the best possible way. It isn’t covered with cloths like the other ‘rooms’, but really covered with wooden walls. Not like the rooms that look like cages, which form the city known as Arret: the city that moves.
Arret is nothing more than a wooden construction pulled by five of the powerful Daharir, which are refreshed every eight hours. The Dordeides clan owns a total of twenty adults of the enormous beasts. When they don’t need to pull the city they rest in the stables. The Daharir carrying their own tired species, so they could rest to carry them later. It was a funny idea.
Every inhabitant of Arret learned to ride Tammuila at the age of six. An animal with much resemblance of camels, but sturdier and bigger. Ride them as much as you can to save weight in the city, was the device of the Dordeides. People learned to sleep on their mounts, which wasn’t too hard because they were big enough. There are limited places on Arret, but Alex, as a Sage, was allowed to spend much time on it.
The library doesn’t have windows. Not only to protect the tomes from turning into dust, but also to make it a hazardous place. It’s always shadowy in the library, the reason why very few people dare to venture there. Because of them; the darkness, the domain of the Arharden.
The ignorant is favoured, for it doesn’t know how to doubt your arguments, a proverb from the High Loremaster Hudas. Only few people were granted the right to read. Reading was considered dangerous, and Alex knew exactly why.
Alex steps off the last ladder and goes straight to the book he wants: The Journal of the Second Age of Lucius; the biggest volume of the whole library, containing over a million pages. With difficulty, he takes the immense tome off a shelf and goes to sit in the corner a while to let his eyes adept to the gloomy light. Over million pages, but Alex only interested in one line, which he has read over and over in the past. He opens the book on the exact right place and reads:

Their alien teeth, red, drenched in blood, made the view of horribly maimed corpses pleasant to watch.

It isn’t just that line; it’s more the fact that the rest of the page is unreadable. Half of it torn out; a reddish substance smeared all over the rest of it; human blood. Actually, the line he’s reading is rather vague as well. It says:
Their alien teeth, red, drenched in blood, made the view of horribly maimed corpses pleasant to watch.


Alex reads, “Their alien teeth… red… drenched in…”
“Your name is… Faith, is it not?” a whisper asks.
Don’t panic.
- Don’t panic? I’m only reading a very dubious passage on an even more dubious page, and an unfamiliar voice talks to me.
Don’t panic.
- She knows my name. My Sage name.
“Isn’t it?” the whisper insists.
- Why does my heart skip a beat, but does this voice fills me with joy.
Don’t panic.
Alex closes the book and looks up to the girl who talks to him, ready to answer. But the beauty of her makes his tongue sleep, unable to speak. The voice fills him with joy, but not as much as the sight of the girl who goes with the voice. The eyes sparkling through the dusky space. Every inferior piece of light reflects in her eyes, as if her eyes attract the light. Like the reflection is stronger than the real scarce light sources; as if her eyes are a hundred tiny lights themselves.
“Faith it is then,” she sings while her eyes smile. A second later her lips join the smile, showing perfect teeth.
- She’s beautiful.
Answer her. Say something.
- Her skin is softer than silk.
You never touched it.
- I know it.
Answer her.
“To dream is to wander off,” she says.
The girl wears a silk dress the same colour as her skin, which makes it impossible to tell where the clothing ends and her cleavage really starts. At least not in this light, or rather in this lack of light.
Isn’t it inappropriate to stare at the cleavage of the Empress’ Daughter, Amay, in the first place? Answer her.
“That’s my line,” Alex says.
“If you know it that well,” she whispers and leans closer, “then why are you the first one to disbelieve it?”
“If disbelief supports dreaming of affection, so be it.” Alex snaps.
“I never heard that one before,” Amay speaks softly.
“Thought of it a second ago” Alex says almost apologizing, “my Lady.”
“It’s beautiful.”
“I’ve seen better.”
The pale skin on her cheeks turns reddish.
You made her blush.
- I didn’t mean it.
Ah-h-h-h, the classic story of unreachable love. Amay, the first Daughter of the Empress and Alex an orphan-Sage who meet each other in a very unlikely place and at an even unlikelier event.
- Shut up.
She laughs, “Why not?” she asks.
Everything about her shines; her teeth, her eyes. Her hair as well. Her curls not the blond like the rest of the Dordeideses, like those of Alex. The colour unable to describe.
It’s red, but not.
It’s brown, but not.
It’s blond, but not.
And it’s neither a combination of those colours.
Amay laughs once more and leans closer and closer to Alex. Her hair almost touches his check. “You don’t have to cover your thoughts from me, for I have already seen them.”
- I need to stop thinking.
Then stop.
Alex collapses.

Everything goes black. But then, in the centre of the blackness there is a light; a light that you can’t see but only… hear. But you can’t stare into it, it’ll blind you. And you can’t listen to it, for it deafens you. The Blackness will turn into Whiteness, and it’ll stay forever. Close your eyes and don’t stare in the light, and don’t listen. But it calls. It calls for you, and it’s too beautiful to stand. And too cruel to face.

“Are you all right?” Alex feels a hand holding his. The skin isn’t comparable to anything. It’s just a soft. Like her hair is just colour. Not a colour, but colour, more as in colourful, maybe. Alex’s reply nothing more than a weak smile.
Amay smiles and says, “Teach me to read.”
- Everyday I’ve been here, she was here. Hanging over a pile of books.
“Teach me how to read, please.”
She has been here for years and years every single day, reading, and she can’t read.
- Why?
You know that isn’t the reason. You hope it is. But you know it is not. Be strong.
“Teach me.” She demands and I can’t do anything but stare.
I shouldn’t be staring. Not at her.
Not at her at all.

[Paradox 99]

Ah yes, I remember Lucius the first time around. An intriguing piece this Marky, and it didn't lose any of its fascination this time round either.

It does seem to feel more suited to fantasy than sci-fi for some reason, but there are a couple of bits that lend themselves more to sci-fi than fantasy:

the biggest volume of the whole library, containing over a million pages.

In a sci-fi setting, a book with a million pages was an interesting idea. In a fantasy setting (because I imagine fantasy to be set in the past) this feels completely unrealistic to me. I think you need to split it up into volumes and find another way of making the book unique.

Their alien teeth, red, drenched in blood

Probably my own narrow thinking, but I just can't help associating aliens with sci-fi rather than fantasy. Not sure what other word could be used instead, maybe "curious", "monstrous" or "awful" something like that?

Other than those two observations, I think this works much better as a fantasy piece.

There are several fascinating ideas in this piece that raise questions in my mind, making me want to see more:

Why does the city move and where does it move to?
Why is talking about death a taboo subject?
Why are only a few people allowed to read?
Why does the Empress' daughter seem so vague to Alex, yet very real in another sense?

Really interesting concepts these, without obvious answers (apart from maybe the forbidding of reading - danger of a cliche there).

A few grammar things:

I fear that the "a" key might be stuck on your keyboard.

followed by a jolt that almost throws Alex out of his bed.

Only a few people were granted the right to read.

over a million pages, but Alex only interested in one line,

The library is his life;

Or maybe a comma instead of "is".

He feels tired, hasn’t slept at all last night.

didn't instead of hasn't? I know you're trying to keep present tense, but that doesn't work here.

Since that night Yhoa was the only family he got.

had instead of got?

but does this voice fills me with joy.

fill instead of fills? anhd/or add a "why" after "but"

[Green Knight]

There is a definite sense of strangeness and wonder about this piece, which is very much in its favour. Very hard to seem original in the area of fantasy worlds (ironically) and this shows definite promise.

The present tense style I like, although it needs polish in places; sometimes it can lead a writer into awkward phrases, but nothing a few revisions can't take care of.

The use of italic thoughts is perhaps a bit over-done. At first I thought that the hero had some inner companion, like a Pullman-esque daemon, whispering in his ear. Too much inner monologue can be distracting - use it sparely for maximum effect.

Another thing to cut back on, perhaps, is letting us know what the character thinks when he's just spoken. Unless it contrasts radically with his uttered words, you don't need to explain again what's on his mind. If he's obviously annoyed, just cut the bit that says he's annoyed. (Always best to show not tell, anyway).

Definitely an intriguing opening. Keep going!

[Marky Lazer]

Thank you both for your time to have a look at this piece.

Originally Posted by Paradox 99

In a sci-fi setting, a book with a million pages was an interesting idea. In a fantasy setting (because I imagine fantasy to be set in the past) this feels completely unrealistic to me. I think you need to split it up into volumes and find another way of making the book unique.

Maybe you’re right, though I don’t see why this is unrealistic. You can have large books in any given time, can’t you?

Originally Posted by Paradox 99

Probably my own narrow thinking, but I just can't help associating aliens with sci-fi rather than fantasy. Not sure what other word could be used instead, maybe "curious", "monstrous" or "awful" something like that?

I used the word ‘alien’ as strange. Not an alien creature. But to not confuse the reader, I’ll change it.

I won’t answer the questions you raise, because those questions are pretty much the story… The last one isn’t too hard to answer though, because I thought I made it pretty obvious.

Why does the Empress' daughter seem so vague to Alex, yet very real in another sense? Well, because Alex is totally in love with her, of course. If that wasn’t too clear, I must work on that.

Thank you for pointing out the grammar-y things.

Originally Posted by Green Knight

The use of italic thoughts is perhaps a bit over-done. At first I thought that the hero had some inner companion, like a Pullman-esque daemon, whispering in his ear. Too much inner monologue can be distracting - use it sparely for maximum effect.

I indeed tried to make an internal struggle inside Alex’s head. But I see what you mean.

[Paradox 99]

Originally Posted by Marky Lazer

Maybe you’re right, though I don’t see why this is unrealistic. You can have large books in any given time, can’t you?

Perhaps not with a million pages. That would be one hell of a spine on that book and you might need a Daharir to lift it.

[Sparker]

Really good read.

I like the whole inner monologue bits although am wondering how much of this is willing thought and how much is verging on schizophrenia? The conversation with himself almost seems like the 'other' voice has its own agenda, perhaps I'm off the mark. Agree with Green Knight, used slightly on the generous side which again leads me to think this 'voice' is not so controlled by Alex.

As for the questions posed, I am intrigued with the Daharir pulling the city along. At first I thought this could be because the earth itself was dangerous to people, but then the mention of them resting at times in the stables suggested otherwise, unless these Daharir choose to rest in an organised way themselves... oh the questions!

The feelings between Alex and Arnay are very hard to get down properly and this might need to be made more obvious although in principle it is good. At the moment I read it as though he's verging on nervousness and awe rather than dumbstruck love...

Anyway... as you can probably see, I'm new to this so apologies if my comments aren't great. A good piece which I enjoyed.

[Marky Lazer]

Not at all, Sparker. All comments are apreciated.

Your observation about he's nervous more than in love is quite true. Maybe it's not too clear, by Amay is going to be the leader of the band, and Alex is just a bit of an average Joe. This is love that can't ever happen, so it makes perfect sense he's nervous as hell...

[Sparker]

Totally agree with that, nervousness is bound to be in there as well... we all know the feeling... well... maybe not with an empress's daughter...