Vallye

[Saeltari]

This is something I have been playing with but not sure if I am going anywhere with it. What do you think?


I could see the valley and our town from my window. My playroom when I was younger had become my prison, while it was decided what to do with me. I guess the room had always been a prison, with the bar on the outside, but as a child I never cared. The door was always open with one of my guards standing in it, now it was shut and barred. I had been escorted here by twenty men, I had heard perhaps three leave. The rest, I assumed were still guarding my door.
I was a political prisoner, probably not for very long though. So far as I knew all but two of my real guards were dead. Those two were alive because I had bodily thrown them over the wall. I needed no more to die for me.
I smiled slightly. I hadn’t really believed I could throw them over the wall, I am good but they are better and we all know it. Surprise, shoving and an order of “If I am still alive to save, save me later,” had allowed me to keep them alive.
Oh, I bet they were angry. ‘The Princes’ Twins’, they weren’t really mine but they seemed to like the title. Together I didn’t believe there was anyone who could equal them, except the champion. Apart they were still deadly as Zerin poison and the one thing they valued most in this world had been proven time and again to be me. I had saved them from my kind.
My smile faded. Now I needed to save myself from my kind. The champion was dead, as was my father and mother, my brother and his wife and son. My sister… Her body was alive, but the soul… the soul was no longer solely hers…
I gripped the window frame as my emotions fought for release. I held, but not by much. The stone had cracked under my grip.
Deep shuddering breaths; I stared out over the smoke from my burning town. The hot air was cooling as evening came.
Whatever my sister had done had affected me in numerous and unknown ways. My strength and speed though, I smiled at the thought, it was known. That was why I had been escorted by twenty heavily armed and armored men.
I was only nineteen but I had been terribly naïve. I had agreed to surrender for the lives of my brothers’ wife and son. I had learned. Ten minutes after I had been put in this tower the door had opened and someone had rolled their heads in here with me. Something had been allowed to chew on them but I could still recognize them. I prayed to the gods that they had already been dead when they were being chewed on.
My thoughts now were on flight, I am intelligent enough to understand the futility of staying to fight. Regardless of my current personal strength, my position was not one of such. I was now alone here; any who would help had been changed or left. I knew the Twins would be doing their best to find a way to rescue me, but anything they could do would put them in reach of my sister. She would not let them out of it again.
What my sister had done was not yet finished with me; I could feel things in my body still changing. I felt like I was swimming in a volcano and then taking a dip in a frozen lake, repeatedly. Yet, I did not feel faint or weak. Just very uncomfortable in my own body, a thing I could only ignore until I could do something about it.
The natural magic had been twisted within me, she had tried to pervert it and strengthen it with my death and then rip it from me. It had not worked. I had obviously been strengthened, but I was still alive which I don’t believe had been in the plan. My bones had been jelly and my skin like rock, it had felt as though reality had snapped and torn just before I lost consciousness. I was told parts of the keep had crumbled during her ceremony, but now I felt like I had been forged anew. Dwelling on what happened would not get me any closer to freedom, though. I would have to deal with it all later, now I needed to ensure I would have that luxury.

[jackokent]

Hi Saeltari

This was is really interesting. There is so much fascinating stuff hinted at, the incredible strenght, the evil (if she is evil or something even more sinister) sister, who are the twins and the dead champion. I felt I was getting a tiny, tantilising glimpse at an incredibly exciting and complex world.

To be pedantic:

"I could see the valley and our town from my window. My playroom when I was younger had become my prison, while it was decided what to do with me."

Did not think it was a particulalry strong start and the second sentance punctuation is wrong i think.

"My smile faded. Now I needed to save myself from my kind. The champion was dead, as was my father and mother, my brother and his wife and son. My sister… Her body was alive, but the soul… the soul was no longer solely hers…"

This felt a bit too much like a list.

" My strength and speed though, I smiled at the thought, it was known." Didn't like this sentence - it's a personal thing but I hate the word "though" in most sentences.

", but anything they could do would put them in reach of my sister. She would not let them out of it again. "

This felt a bit clumbsy - am not sure why. maybe "in reach of" - and "out of it again" could be said in a different way.

"What my sister had done was not yet finished with me" an uncomfortable sentence.

This latter passages started to lose me slightly and I had to concentrate.

Generally, it did feel a bit like a Joycean stream of consciousness at times with his quick mood changes (one minute he's smiling then he's gripping the stone in anger) and the constant thought process being shared by the reader. It might be a bit more accessable if some of the history were interspersed with action, otherwise you've really just got a passage of reminiscence... albeit very interesting reminiscence.

Please remember this is only my opinion. Reading your excert I felt I was discovering something a little bit different - that was very exciting. I'd love to read more.

[DarrenReid]

Hey - really enjoyd this piece - felt like a very nice teaser for a larger story!

Keep it coming if you have more!

Darren

[Paradox 99]

I'm with Darren and Jack.
I don't have anything in the way of critique that hasn't already been said, so like I always do in situations like this, I'll just post to say "good job" as a word of encouragement.

The danger I worry about with pieces like this is that you've given us lots of snippets of information in such a small piece, but I don't think that's a problem here. All of it is perfect bait to keep the reader hooked and wanting more.

Very imaginative with an interesting character. I like it.

[hellborn]

A good start but I think in a few places esspecially in the first paragrapgh you use "I" a bit to much.