The Long Dark

[Jack]

Hello, this is the start of a story I've been writing for/with my sister for awhile now...Finally got all the plot lines and names down and working for her little world she dreamed up with help on other forums (Funny little woman that she is). I will try and update as often as I can as I have little time to write this sort of thing...That and I am new at this so its hard going...But enjoy, well...I hope you do anyway.


The Long Dark

Chapter one (part one)
When Void Descends


A shifting in the darkness, a scuttle of chitin legs in the flickering ghost light glow of the webways. Something large, something terrible and alien moved in the shadows to the screams and moans of the quivering carcass filled walls. Its feelers caressing lovingly the body lying still in the silk chrysalis like the wild beauty of dragonflies mummified forever in silk walls.
The body twitched and with a scream awoke. Twin azure orbs shining in the black, turning the grim chamber into multi hued dull rainbows in their undying glare.
A choking gasp escaped pale rose lips as the breath of life scolded lungs not used in 20 turnings as the body convulsed into life, as glowing veins of azure flushed chilled flesh, pimpaling it in aching sensation with every dull thud of inhalations beat.
The creature sat bolt upright in its nakedness, casting the covering chrysalis into ruin on the chamber floor to stir up dust in bloomed clouds that rose and danced like mist in a graveyard, illuminated as crystal networks flashed into life along the walls and corridors, shuddering and whaling as the souls that powered them clawed at their clear prisons with spectral hands to be allowed freedom from pain never ending.
Her mind cleared…
Something was amiss in the reality matrix, the threads of future events had spiralled into one another and been bonded in certainty, a clear path leading to one moment had come to pass, the wheels were already in motion to make this ends reality final…The balance must not fail, without it void ruled Atareen and all things ended, light and dark will both choke in the ash and fire of the worlds ending.
Something was coming.
The void has come to Atareen.
Consensus must be warned, action must be taken.
Wick al, wick wickedly!
Glowing eyes widened and drifted in the black.
Sunlight…Trees… Something is coming…Ellen…

Wick al, wick wickedly!


The light fell in pillars through the broad leaved foliage of the tall Laman trees, to dapple the spring turned floor of the forest with warm fey lights that twinkled in and out of shadow with the turning sun. The only sound being a trickle from a nearby river as it rippled along its course filled with snow melt from the uplands to the north now melting as the seasons turned once more. Coupled with the gentle humming of the wind as it swayed in the tree tops casting the occasional leaf to spin softly to the forest floor to lay amunst the Quarl flowers as they carpeted the earthy smelling ground.
Suddenly green serenity was ripped apart by the droning of wings as the large emerald flash of the Rapper as it hummed its wings together burst into the picture perfect, skimming between the trunks at speeds that would kill lesser animals, a kaleidoscope that reflected in the golden eye’s of the hunter as she crouched in the dark leaved undergrowth and made ready to pounce upon her prey, the youngling sized bird with sharp beak and talons hovered on its buzzing shinny green wings scouring the undergrowth for it’s quarry only a few cubits from her hiding place in the undergrowth. The great hunter of the forest readied herself for the kill, holding her breath and resisting the urge to sneeze from the scented white Quarl flowers that covered the forest floor with their bell shaped tears. Usually the hunter would have picked the flowers and weaved them into a crown chain to give to the Dem children of the fortress, but today there were more important things to attend to, namely one fat and very arrogant Rapper bird...she watched as it shattered the peaceful quiet again with its challenge, luminescent green feathers bustling as it stretched its head out and let out another…

Wick al, wick wickedly!

Nearly, just a little more…Move you stupid pompous bird, I don't have all sunup! Closer...Closer...Now!
The hunter jumped, hands outstretched as her hind legs and tail uncoiled and drove her upwards through the air, her hair-streaming out behind her as she burst upwards from the brush catching up twigs and leaves and scattering them in a wake filled dome.
I have you now, keep eye contact, never lose sight of the prey…Why does he look like he is smiling? Can a bird smile?
There was a green flash on the corner of her vision as the Rapper stopped beating its wings and dropped from the sky, to be replaced by the Laman tree behind it, the hunter tried to stop her forward momentum as the tree trunk rose up to meet her, only managing to turn sideways and brace herself for the impact. The collision knocked the wind from her lungs and dropped her to the leaf covered floor with a bump, she fell backwards onto her back with a choked groan as the sky swirled in a nauseating fashion, taking her down and away.
Ellen came-to with a groan, and rubbed her now aching head, feeling the place where she had hit her head on the trees thick grey trunk. That would leave a bruise, as she took her hand away its was speckled with the golden flash of her blood, oh dear, that didn't go anywhere near as planned, Darry if she was here would be laughing her toes off at me right now, Ellen could almost see the Dem girls laughing face. Well I'll show her, I'll show them all!
Dam that Tasken Rapper, she had been playing chase with it now for the last 3 hours and had not even came close to tagging the dark-bane bird. In fact it was starting to mock her…So saying as if on cue.

Wick al, wick wickedly!

Ellen whipped around for something to throw and her had closed on a Laman cone, she through the spinning brown cone angrily at the silly Rapper dancing in the air above her, it missed, of course. The action itself coursing pain to shoot up and down her arm to her shoulder, now throbbing more than her head. She gritted her pointed teeth to the pain and made an inspection of the area. Father would not be happy, the dress was torn and scraped all the way down her arm to her lace gloves, her skin faring only a little better from the deal.
Better get this all healed up, after all it would not do for a high born Sunarin lady to be bleeding all over her best ball dress. Ellen laughed softly to herself at her own mocking of her fathers words as she took of one of her lace gloves and touched her fingers to her shoulder and head, sending her mind into herself and releasing the light that was her birth-right into the wounds, she felt the gashes and swelling ease and slowly form back into smooth skin, the wounds closing with a pop. She sighed as the feeling of rapture pasted to be replaced by boring reality as she put her glove back on her long fingered hands, the glow beneath her skin already fading back to normal off-white cream.
She struggled up, laughing aloud as she closed her golden eyes as the sun bathed her face through a gap in the foliage above, it always left her exultant when she touched life-forces with her essence, it was frowned upon by the Sunarin council that the gift should ever be used on anyone but Sunarin's, but Ellen gave her gift to all injured or poorly creatures, it had earned her great respect from the Dem of the fortress and the animals of the forest, that were wont to follow her or give her gifts of berries and nuts, leaving them on her windowsill to find in the morning. Elisur help her if her father ever found out. She made an effort to push such dark thoughts from her head, but it had already ruined the moment, time to get back to the job at hand she supposed.
She turned and looked mock scoldingly at the hovering Rapper as she brushed the dirt from her hands down her dress, leaving brown smearers down the white lace. She sent a thought to the Rapper he eyes going blank momentarily.

I will get you Fern, you just wait and see you overfed Tasken.

She felt the Rappers reply echo within her mind as it cockily called her a dumb ground dwelling tree-climber. Not true of course, she was terrible at climbing, she had always been scared of heights from a child after falling out of a Laman tree playing tree-hoppers with her brother. A dangerous game that boys of the Dem delighted in, and they’re being so few longlings their age at Shadowatch, her brother and herself found friends among the lower casts races of the Empire. The game involved jumping from tree to tree in as straight a line as possible, while racing each other to a set tree in the distance, first one there wins. A stupid game, which had nothing to do with Ellen being bad at climbing, nothing at all, to think so would be stupid in itself to go with a stupid, highly dangerous and risky game...So there…Who am I arguing with?
Ellen lifted her head and giggled again, her audience of assorted watchers chirping and chattered along with her as she replied to Ferns jape with one of her own. Then without warning jumped at the hovering Rapper arms waving, she missed, again. But at least she had the pleasure of seeing Ferns face change from gloating big-headedness to shocked panic as he dove backwards, wings beating rapidly out of reach. That and at least the Verna bush was slightly less painful to land in than another tree. Slightly thorny and hard to remove yourself from yes, hard and painfully woody, no.
Ellen turned herself over in the now dilapidated bush, while dragging her long vanilla hair out of her eyes and untangling it from the small thorns of the Verna along with a even more torn dress, now torn in many places and looking rather ragged, poor father, he will have a seizer when he sees this. Ellen sighed up at the Rapper.

A draw?

It was the rappers turn to laugh in its chirping cackle.
She scowled and crossed her arms together and glared at the Rapper as her bushy pale tail beat a rhythm on the crushed branches, she new she should not sulk, but how am I going to join the Sunnal Knights if I cannot even catch a measly Rapper?

I could catch it for you?

Ellen jumped, she always did when the voice sounded inside her head.

Shhh, you must stop this, you are not real, Father says, go away.

Ellen sent back, the voice had always been there, it came and went from time to time, its appearance inside her mind was an enigma her farther was keen to dismiss. It would not do for the Septon of the fortresses daughter to be mad and hearing voices, now would it? That would ruin prospects for engagement and offspring, to some idiotic pure breed lordling back in the capital Sunnis…What joy. Ellen had other ideas in life, the most important of which was not becoming some ‘Tasken’ lord’s fat brood mare.
She heard the sardonic laughter of the voice in her mind as it mocked her fate, she shivered as the ice of the tone chilled her, as it always had. It seemed to delight in her fear and pain, sucking at it like a Weaverworm sucking on warm blood, and then their was the nightmares, dark twisted dreams so alien and strange, so full of terror that’s she woke up screaming in tears…But the voice always calmed her, whispered soft words in the darkness to lull her back to sleep, it even managed to sound guilty and apologetic, on occasions even as if it cared for her in a way a mother might, she dreamed it was like that, but she would never know for sure, even if she yearned for it to be true. She had asked her father once what a mother was like, he had not answered, just gave her the blank stare that meant he wasn't hearing a word that was said. He was quite fond of such looks when associated with his daughter, it wouldn't be proper for a Septon of Elisur, high lord of the sun to actually care for something other than his god? Not even his own offspring.

Why don't you leave? If I may ask, after all…Shhh now child, I of course do not exist now do I?

The laughter made her shiver once more, but she answered none the less once again against her father’s wishes.

Where would I go? I'm so small, and the world is so much larger than me. I would get lost in it all.

Ellen stammered in her mind.

Coward, don't look to be a warrior child, you have not the heart for it…That and you dance like a demented Dargon on heat.

The voice replied with an amused tone and then was gone like a morning breeze carried away on the air, leaving a few words to whisper in her mind in its wake, making her blush a rich golden hue from ear tips to throat.

You haven't been touching yourself again have you? Tut tut, what would your nanny say? Such a disgusting thing for a lady to be doing to herself in her free time.

Ellen stamped her foot and swore loudly, with as much warrior slang as she knew, as the colour flushed to her face. She was wont to eavesdrop to the patrols from Sunspear as they patrolled the watch fortresses on the frontier, they would sit in the inn when they came by and tell stories of the places they had been and the things they had seen on their travels in the Sunnal Knights. Ellen so yearned to embrace such a life as that, to be free of her responsibility of her standing and birth. So what if her father was a Septon, did that truly mean that she was doomed to that same fate? I have no wish to be highborn!
She launched herself at the still hovering Fern, who was unaware of the conversation that had just taken place between Ellen and the voice.
But he was expecting such a move this time and almost leisurely moved out of her way, another Verna bush ‘cushioning’ her fall to the mocking reply of…

Wick al, wick wickedly!

The forest laughed at the spectacle of the defeat of the Sunarin child by the mighty Rapper bird, even the voice came back for an instant and shared a...What could be described as a smile with them as Ellen thrashed about in the bush swearing and spluttering.
Ellen couldn't help but laugh as eventually she laid face down in the dirt and fallen mulch of the forest floor exhusted. Time to admit defeat, it was the only honourable thing to do after-all, she was going to be a Sunnal Knight one sunup and they were supposed to be highly honourable with the dealings with trespassers of Elisur's will, even if that trespasser be a now gloating Rapper bird.

Ok! Ok, you win, you great green Tasken! You are greater than me at tag! Happy now?

Wick al, wick wickedly!

Then everything froze as they all felt the new presence amongst them, something was there that didn't belong. Something alien.

'Ellen! Ellen! '

'Oh please come out deary, my old bones where not meant to be tramping around in foresty type places.'

'Ellen! Ellen!'

'You will be late for the Quarl’hen ceremony! Oh no good will come of this. ‘Don't let her out of your sight’ he says to me, like trying to stop water flowing, might as well try and catch rain, silly old Camot.'

With a silent flutter of wings and scurrying of legs under bushes and through branches the forest emptied of animals, in a blink of her eyes she was alone in the trees, where once she had been surrounded by birds and tree-hoppers, Camots and even a whirly Vexan, each with emotions and thoughts, a wall of beating souls, now was only the steady rhythm-like pulse of the trees and plants to invade her senses.

[Jack]

So much for freedom, thought Ellen as she stifled a snigger and started to silently crawl trough the thick undergrowth toward the voice of Lainy. I may not be so great at dancing or catching Rappers, but at least I can still scare the wits out of old Dem maids.
After all, life was too short to not take this sun-kissed opportunity for more mayhem. Quarl’hen being the first sunup of the new sun, now awake from his long sleep and retaking his crown from his dark sister Shard’dem. It was kind of expected for the younglings of the village to play as many jokes on each other as possible during such time, even if Ellen was fast becoming a maid and sexually mature if still young at 30 turnings old, and Lainy was as old and spry as time it self, it is said we never forget the younglings we once were? So this may be silly, but I’m only confirming my will for independence and spirit. Ellen told herself as she neared the presence of Lainy and spied on her old nanny through the low hanging branches of a Sharrow tree, replete with new purple leaves that glittered in the light swaying breeze.
When did Lainy get so old? Ellen new the Dem aged much faster than the Sunarin, but it still shocked her at how quickly their lives drained from them, leaving them tired and dried out of spirit. Ellen still remembered the young and jolly Dem maid her father had employed to look after his unruly daughter. She had been so full of life then, now she looked nothing more than a tired old maid sitting on a fallen Laman tree bathed by the light that escaped from the hole it had left in the canopy, the poor thing now fallen from grace and cast down by a storm, though life goes on, the tree trunk, though dead, glowed with life in a wall of essence…Quite unlike the old drained candle-flickering Dem sitting on top of its mossy shell.
Ellen almost felt guilty for what she was about to do…Almost, fun and laughter takes preference over shame on such a beautiful dawn-cry such as this sunup. Anyway the Dem where quick witted for a race, with there bright black eyes and twitching whiskered snouts, they were always quick to laugh and joke. Ellen couldn’t help but like them and their mischievous ways, even if they were classed as a lower race and it thought unseemly for Sunarin’s to mix with them on any stage apart from master and servant, not that it mattered much to the youngling Ellen who or what she played with when young, they were the only Sunarin family in the village and so apart from her brother she was without peers in which to play and say the things that constitute youth. So the Dem younglings became her friends and fellows, much to the ire of her father who made many a lecture and ruckus about the whole situation before finally giving up and leaving it in the hands of fate, if only all things could be so easily won from her father, thought Ellen solemnly, as she crouched down and started to move slowly and silently through the tall Quarl flowers on her hands and knees as she zeroed in on the old Dem maid sitting before her, mumbling assorted curses to herself about ‘Silly head-strong Sunarin younglings’ and ‘Stupid old Camots’, Ellen fought to hold down a set of giggles at the mention of her father as a ‘old silly Camot’, a Camot being a small tree dwelling humanoid creature that had huge eyes and always had a permanent look of shock and confusion on its face, the name suited her father well, Lainy had such a way with words and had never gotten on well with her master, in fact she went out of her way to get in his way as much as possible, its why Ellen loved the old Dem so much, she was the only one to ever stand up for her in front of her fathers rage.

‘That dark-bane youngling, Ellen! Ellen!’

‘Don’t you make me come find you, we will wish you hadn’t so help me! The ceremony and dance is in two sun-shadows, if you are late your father will cook my tail and eat it for his fast’

More like he would eat mine, thought Ellen. Her father had invited many of the surrounding Septons and lordlings from the frontier to attend, he would be most annoyed if she was not there to attend. He wouldn’t be able then to parade her like a Dargon for sale amounts the assorted gentry. Ellen nearly sighed aloud before catching herself, it would not do to alert Lainy just yet.

‘Ellen! Oh Ellen where are you!’

Moving slowly she worked her way behind the hollering Lainy, stifling yet more mischievous giggles with her now green stained hands. She moved the tall stems of the Quarls aside to watch the agitated old Dem sitting on the old log, the paradox of it appealing to her sensibilities, like is wont to seek out like it would seem. Now all that was needed was to decide on the manner of the execution of this little caper? A simple spring upwards with a loud shout of ‘Boo’? Or something infantly more cunning in planning and practice? Tempting…But the old ways are always more rewarding in practice, so saying with a loud cry of ‘BOO!’ the Sunarin girlcouldn't exploded upwards from the Quarl flowers, sending a score of the blossoms flying up into the air float then to fall like overlarge snow flakes back down to the forest floor, tickling Ellen as they caressed her face on their voyage down, and coursing the pent up giggles to burst fourth from her pale lips.

‘Oh there you are deary, what’s been taking you so long?’

Said Lainy in a barely controlled tone, she wants to laugh, dam keen Dem hearing and all Rapper’s to shadowlock! She had been putting on an act this whole time? It’s not fair, everything is so unfair.
Lainy turned around on the log to survey her would be protagonist and gasped.

‘Ellen, look at the state of you! You’ve…you’ve ruined your dress and you are filthy! What’s that in your hair? Dammit youngling what have you been doing, wrestling Tasken in a upwardinfinitelyupwardmud pit?’

This was not going at all to plan, so long beautiful dawn-cry, I will miss you.

Boo? I’m scared, truly I am. No please, please don’t hurt me oh great and most scary warrior. Ha ha ha ha!

[chrispenycate]

shuddering and whaling

Probably "wailing"

buzzing shinny green wings

Shiny ?

luminescent green feathers

how can feathered wings from a large bird hum. buzz and drone? That's for tiny little wings, moving very fast: Oh never mind, it's fantasy.

she through the spinning brown cone

threw

She gritted her pointed teeth to the pain

actually it's very difficult to grit pointed teeth, but the reason for this correction was "at the pain"

her fathers words as she took of one of her lace gloves

father's words as she took off

the feeling of rapture pasted

departed? or is it a synthetic word for "faded into the past? If so, probably better to invent one that doesn't already have a meaning.

eaving brown smearers down the white lace

smears?

her audience of assorted watchers chirping and chattered along with her

we've been told earlier"the only sound being a trickle from a nearby river". When did this noisy audience arrive?

then their was the nightmares

then there were?

the Dem where quick

the Dem were

with there bright black eyes

with their bright

any stage apart from master and servant,

stage?

peers in which to play

with which to play

frontier to attend, he would be most annoyed if she was not there to attend.

repetition of "attend

like a Dargon for sale amounts the assorted gentry

amoungst? before the assorted gentry?


The punctuation and sentence structure in this is so nonstandard that I didn't dare to do my normal corrections. Added to the paucity of punctuation, we have many long, convoluted sentences which become quite difficult to follow.
I assume this was an intended effect, like the multitude of strange words, to make the reader feel the foreigness of the environment, rather than clumsiness in the writing, so I didn't sit down and mark all the commas and full stops, though I will if you like.

Oh, there are phrases I don't like:"as glowing veins of azure flushed chilled flesh, pimpaling it in aching sensation with every dull thud of inhalations beat." where inhalations (breathing) beat, and an invented word describes a sensation we're presumably supposed to imagine as we can't experience metamorphosis. or:" So the Dem younglings became her friends and fellows, much to the ire of her father who made many a lecture and ruckus about the whole situation before finally giving up and leaving it in the hands of fate, if only all things could be so easily won from her father, thought Ellen solemnly, as she crouched down and started to move slowly and silently through the tall Quarl flowers on her hands and knees as she zeroed in on the old Dem maid sitting before her, mumbling assorted curses to herself about ‘Silly head-strong Sunarin younglings’ and ‘Stupid old Camots’, Ellen fought to hold down a set of giggles at the mention of her father as a ‘old silly Camot’, a Camot being a small tree dwelling humanoid creature that had huge eyes and always had a permanent look of shock and confusion on its face, the name suited her father well, Lainy had such a way with words and had never gotten on well with her master, in fact she went out of her way to get in his way as much as possible, its why Ellen loved the old Dem so much, she was the only one to ever stand up for her in front of her fathers rage.", which is too long for a sentence, has too many ideas jumbled up together, and, even if her thoughts do skitter all over the place like startled insects, too disconnected, needs cutting up.

[Jack]

and, even if her thoughts do skitter all over the place like startled insects, too disconnected, needs cutting up.

LoL, thank you for your honesty. Thats my sister for you, she is mute so has no need for punctuations, as simply she doesn't need to stop to breath when she is talking and it tends to roll over into her writing sadly. But this is my story now and yes she does skitter here and there in a lot of ways, and their is a 'few' things that i am not to happy with myself.
I will try and re-write this, as I do want to finish it in a good and tidy form. I will try and rework it as I have time to do so, as it is a good story and world and I would enjoy finishing it for her. But I am most at home on a hospital ward and I am in no way a good writer regretfully, I will try - If I fail at least I know someone who is good at it will let me know where LoL.

Thank you for the help.