[Short Story Excerpt] Kung-Fu fantasy

[PenDragon]

The opening from my latest short story. It's in a less flowery style than the celtic one. Not sure about it. Any comments appreciated.


Ghen-Tao; Kills a Man, Eats

Ghen-Tao was hungry. Very hungry. When hungry he was liable to be short-tempered and old Soldiers are not rich men, no matter how swift the blade, how strong the arm.
Noodles and Broth. Again.

Three-Blossom Tea House was a fine place, clean, the food good. More important Ghen-Tao was known there and left in peace, his fame was never a problem in the Three-Blossom tea house.

The owner was a good friend of his but business was business, so noodles and broth again and tea not wine. Even so that would empty his purse but better an empty purse than an empty stomach.

He pulled his red sash tight around his shrinking gut, adjusted the heavy war sabre that hung at his waist and headed for the tea house. Dust from the road, tramped up by his worn sandals clung to the damp ragged hem of his tattered robes and the sun beat down midday high and hot on of his shaven head and made him squint against its brightness.

Fast as he walked he was unable to shake off the cold ache in his bones, fresh from his dew damp tombstone bed of the northstar cemetary.

The Three-Blossom tea house was in a district not poor, but not wealthy and entirly too near 'the pillow world' to be considered respectable.

Seldom busy, less than luxporious, the tea house and it's friendly rowdy clientel suited Ghen-Tao.

At the opposite end of the street Gehn-Tao spotted a youth.
The youth walked tall and straight-backed proud, as if he owned the street, the district, the whole city even.

He was the very opposite of Ghen-Tao. Where he was short and skinny from poverty and hunger, rugged in his simple black robes, the youth was tall, muscular, well fed with wealth, dressed in fine silks of emrald green, and fine red calf-skin boots. Ghen-Tao looked at his fall-apart sandals and sighed.

Ghen-tao had the shaved head of a soldier, the youth's hair, tied in a high tail oiled and perfumed, was as black as the jet neclace that hung around his too clean neck.

Greater than than all this their swords spoke of their differences. Ghen-Tao's was a large curved broad saber. Stufed in his sash, the blade bare. The youth wore a gentleman's sword. Long, thin bladed and straight, sheathed in an intricate bright blue scabbared that glinted in the sun and spoke of wealth.

Ghen-Tao took all this in and knew the youth for what he was. The youth took one dismissive look, his lip curled. It was clear he did not see Ghen-Tao. Not for what he was, who he is.

The wealthy youth hurried into the tea house ahead of Ghen-Tao as if he might catch his poverty if he lingered.

Ghen-Tao did not like the look of the youth, knew the boy was trouble. He considered walking on, past the entrance of the tea house, on to the temple gardens but his empty stomach yowled. Cursing the lot of an old soldier he stepped into the shade of the Three-Blossom tea house.

[Paradox 99]

I like this PenDragon.
The contrast between the two characters is good, and even though they haven't said a word, you've done a good job of telling us exactly what they're like without spelling it out directly for us.

However, my main criticism is that the whole thing has a stuttering flow to it. It has the marks of a piece of writing that's been edited, cut, pasted, rewritten and altered a number of times. I don't know if it's the sentence structure, and I'm ashamed to say I can't quite put my finger on it, but something isn't quite right.

Despite that, you've succeeded in holding my interest. I like Ghen-Tao and already dislike the other guy. I feel sure that some sort of fight is going to happen in there. A fight where Ghen-Tao is extremely reluctant to get involved in, but does and then whips the other guy's ass.

I hope I'm wrong, because that would be a bit cliched, but I am keen to see what happens.

Anyway, a few grammar things I saw...

When hungry he was liable to be short-tempered and old Soldiers are not rich men, no matter how swift the blade, how strong the arm.

This first sentence addled my simple brain. I didn't link his hunger with poverty straight away. Once I understood it, I felt it should be something like...
"When hungry he was liable to be short-tempered. As an old soldier he was not a rich man, no matter how swift the blade, how strong the arm, wealth was out of reach and a filling meal was a luxury."

fresh from his dew damp tombstone bed

dew-damp?

Seldom busy, less than luxporious,

I actually looked up luxporious in case I was missing out on something, but I think you meant "luxurious"?

dressed in fine silks of emrald green

emerald

Ghen-tao had the shaved head of a soldier, the youth's hair,

I'd place a fullstop after soldier.

Stufed in his sash, the blade bare.

Stuffed

sheathed in an intricate bright blue scabbared

scabbard

That's about it.

[PenDragon]

Hey Paradox,

thanks for taking the time to read my excerpt and leave some feedback. Point me to your latest peice and I'll take a look at it if you like.

Originally Posted by Paradox 99

I like this PenDragon.

However, my main criticism is that the whole thing has a stuttering flow to it. It has the marks of a piece of writing that's been edited, cut, pasted, rewritten and altered a number of times. I don't know if it's the sentence structure, and I'm ashamed to say I can't quite put my finger on it, but something isn't quite right.

Yes, I'm with you on that.

I haven't edited it, it was written long hand on pen when I was too ill to get to my PC, then typed up with just a few minimal changes. I've not written longhand in years. I don't think that's the cause of the problem though. I was aiming for a particluar type of 'voice' but don't think I've nailed it. Instead it just comes off as stilted. I may scrap this story or try and re-imagine it and rewrite it with more flow.

I feel sure that some sort of fight is going to happen in there. A fight where Ghen-Tao is extremely reluctant to get involved in, but does and then whips the other guy's ass.

Yes, I know a bit cliched but it's wuxia shorthand, if the hero goes to a tea house there will be a fight. No doubt about that.

Actually though there isn't going to be a big kick ass martial arts movie mayhem type fight. The kid is looking for Ghen to fight him in a duel as Ghen has a big reputation and the kid wants to make one for himself. Ghen refuses because he claims kid is not a man (not having killed anyone), so the kid kills the tea house owner and Ghen splits his skull with one swipe while the kid's sword is still stuck in the tea house owner, then Ghen eats the rich feast the kid ordered (Ghen knows he's going to kill the kid but delays until he's orederd and paid for his food as he knows it will be better than his paltry poor man's meal of noodles and broth). It's all in the title...Ghen-Tao; Kills a Man, Eats.

I was aiming at themes somehwere near youthful prowess especially when combined with arrogance is never a match for age and experience and a cold heart and that violence is what it is, nothing noble or heroic about combat it's just men trying to maim or kill each other.

Big thanks for the grammar spots, always needed, always appreciated.

Lee