| Re: Critique of an Action Scene
"Kimmard formed a look of surprise as the sword ran through his throat and out the back of his neck." --
Sounds too plain. This would be a good spot for some descriptive flare. "His face flashed into an expression of shocked disbelief...", "A look of of total surprise streaked across his face...", "Kimmard's eyes went wide with disbelief and a gurgling choke escaped his lips..."
Maybe something like that.
Some of the other descriptions could use work such as using exact descriptions of numbers, "two horse and rider combinations" and the like. Use phrases like "a few" or "several" or "a pair".
In an action scene like this people aren't going to be thinking in exacts and definitely wouldn't see every detail. For example when Alexander casts the shield on Izuki, give it some more suspense. The way it's written right now just seems kinda like "oh well, I have my awesome shield, no biggy" even though he thanked his friend for saving him, it didn't feel to me like he was in real danger.
Still, a good work in progress. I'm definitely curious as to why these people are fighting and why Sajin hates them so much, maybe betrayers of sorts? |