Ocean Black - Part 10

[Paradox 99]

At last! I'm going to give you a hint on what the title's about... only a hint though.

Part 10

Raphael held his ground, watching the narrowing eye as it observed him, and in the darkness beyond, something stirred. The wary mage imagined Krith'Nag was heaving its ageing bulk into a crouching position, and a sound not unlike the snapping of dry branches echoed around the walls as the creature unfolded its wings. It was apparent that the dragon had not used them in a while.

The old man ambled closer as two sharp talons dug easily into the rock either side of Raphael, and in the bilious, yellow light, the faint shape of a leathery membrane quivered threateningly overhead. Krith'Nag performed the act, slowly and with precise movement; the way any predator might intimidate its prey into submission before the kill. Raphael suppressed instincts of claustrophobia and fear, thinking quickly about how he would counter an attack if it came.

A dull ache began to throb inside his head.
It's reaching into my mind - wants to know why I'm here and if it can best me. That gives me time, but I must be careful and not reveal the extent of my ability, not yet.

The old man took a step back this time, withdrawing into the shelter of his master, mouth opening to speak. Words came not just from the slave this time, but from Krith'Nag too as their thoughts touched. It was an eerie combination of guttural tones in his mind, like the roaring of flames and the falling of boulders in an avalanche. Raphael sensed that the dragon was continuing to test the barriers in his mind as a mysterious rhyme was recited.

Thy hands are cold, thy breath is weak.
The threads of life ye cannot keep.
Yet hope remains for souls that seek,
The treasures hid on highest peak.
Through blood and golde no man shall lack
the knowledge of that fateful track.
To walk the earth and ne'er go back,
or brave the depths of Ocean Black.

Raphael snatched the air in short gasps, reeling backward as the powerful words engulfed him. It was a profound revelation. Somehow he knew this ancient riddle was the key to something of incalculable importance and Krith'Nag was using its potency to throw his mind off balance.

I must not push back, not yet. This beast believes it can use me as it has this poor wretched soul. I must know more first, I must know the meaning in that rhyme.

The old man spoke again. 'You believe your answers can be found in the scrolls, mage, but what you truly seek is in that rhyme.'

'What does it mean?'

'Ahhhh, my old masters knew. Palornus was almost consumed by his fear, but Orius... ah, Orius became obsessed when he first learned of it. When he fully grasped its meaning, the world changed.'

'Changed? You speak of the great culling? The ancient time of death?'

'Enough questions, tiny mage. You have a weak mind, but your body is strong, stronger than this worthless cadaver. It grows tired when it brings me food from the mountains; I need a new slave.'

An instant before it happened, Raphael saw the anguish in the old man's eyes as he hunched, waiting for the inevitable. A great claw, coated with shiny, jet-black scales came down from nowhere, slamming the wretch into the rocky floor and before Raphael could even see the flow of blood spill from the broken body, the roaring voice filled his mind again.

'You are mine now, tiny mage.'

[Herew]

Pardox! This is amazing! I love the thought of the dragon being able to touch the thoughts of Raphael. It reminds me of a book trilogy that I have been following. The rhyme is interesting and makes me want to read more!

[jackokent]

Wow! totally hooked. Aren't you going to publish this, if so don't you worry about posting it too.

Only thoughts are

The old man took a step back this time, withdrawing into the shelter of his master, mouth opening to speak. Words came not just from the slave this time, but from Krith'Nag too as their thoughts touched. It was an eerie combination of guttural tones in his mind, like the roaring of flames and the falling of boulders in an avalanche. Raphael sensed that the dragon was continuing to test the barriers in his mind as a mysterious rhyme was recited

This para has two lost of "this time" and two lots of "in his mind" which doesn't make it as smooth as the rest.

I cannot wait to read the next bit. Loved the riddle too.

[Paradox 99]

Wow that was quick! Thanks very much both of you.
Good point there about the repetitive phrases jackolent - looks like a teeny amendment is needed (Paradox licks the tip of pen (keyboards don't taste that nice!) )

As for the publishing of it, well, I wasn't planning on it. I'll quote myself from a previous post:

Originally Posted by Paradox 99

Alas, I have no current plans for that (at the moment). My intention was that Ocean Black would be something I would continue to write only on this forum. It's something of an experiment really and a way of keeping me on my toes to make sure I'm continually writing something. That way I can keep working at improving my style and also get some encouragement and useful feedback from everyone here.
I've been chuffed to bits by the help I've received so far.

Plus, I'm starting to learn a valuable lesson about writing: "Don't be too precious about your ideas."
Might seem strange, but I went through a phase where I got so caught up in one particular plot idea, thinking it amazingly original, that I wanted to keep it as secret as I possibly could and only show my closest friends.
I've since learned that this kind of attitide is quite restrictive to the imagination. I found that the more I write and the more I share, the more new ideas keep flowing. Writing Ocean Black is a way for me to continue to challenge that attitude in myself - perhaps I'll kick myself later - but I'm having a blast writing it.

[mosaix]

Paradox

I do like this.

Just one point, I think there's an opportunity to expand a bit on the first sentence below:

A dull ache began to throb inside his head.
It's reaching into my mind - wants to know why I'm here and if it can best me. That gives me time, but I must be careful and not reveal the extent of my ability, not yet.

[Alicia]

EXCELLENT!

I love the way you have the story progressing! The rhyme is fantastic....there's just something about it that makes tou want to read more to find out how it all fits together....great piece of work!

[roddglenn]

This is a really interesting read - well done! Can't really add any more to what has already been said, but definitely agree that it has publishing potential.

[Threddy]

Well done, really great!

[chrispenycate]

Just to say that I did go though it with my standard assiduity, and apart for the repetions (and even then it was only the "this time" which upset me) and two "maybe" commas:
"Words came not just from the slave this time, but from Krith'Nag too comma as their thoughts touched.

Somehow he knew this ancient riddle was the key to something of incalculable importancecomma and Krith'Nag was using its potency to throw his mind off balance.

which are entirely a matter of taste, I didn't find anything to change.

[cornelius]

absolutely stunning : congratulations!

the last four sentences of that rhyme keep lingering in my head...

[NSMike]

First off, I'm captivated. I wanna follow this story to the end.

But let me say... This is all moving rather fast, and honestly, I get that Raphael feels responsible for the death of the boy and everything, and now for releasing Orius, and mainly that's the driving force behind his character...

But, I feel like I hardly know Raphael. Personally, I could do with a little more characterization. Maybe when the action calms down a little (there is quite a bit of action for the beginnings of a story) you could hit on that a little harder.

[Paradox 99]

Thanks all for the really encouraging comments and suggestions, I'm just really pleased that everyone's enjoying it still.

NSMike,
I had similar concerns. Posting sections at about 500 words a time means it's quite risky to slow things down and do a bit of character building. But without the character building, the action is less exciting and besides, one of the things I wanted to do here was take a few risks.

I guess now that people seem quite interested in following this, I can afford the luxury of pulling back and spending some time looking closer at the characters. Parts 11, 12 and possibly 13 will still have some action to work through, but there'll be at least one new character and a chance after that for some more indepth interaction to happen.

Let's see how things go. The fact that you've suggested this has given me a little more incentive to do the very thing I thought the story needed.

[Paradox 99]

Originally Posted by mosaix

Just one point, I think there's an opportunity to expand a bit on the first sentence below:

A dull ache began to throb inside his head.
It's reaching into my mind - wants to know why I'm here and if it can best me. That gives me time, but I must be careful and not reveal the extent of my ability, not yet.

Sorry, I meant to comment on this earlier mosaix.
Coming right up - I was planning to spend most of part 11 exploring that side of things.