Operator exchange

[PenDragon]

Originally Posted by Rosemary

Oh dear, I seemed to have stirred things up at bit here with my queary! I do apologise PenDragon, it was ONLY intended as a queary.

No worries Rosemary I'm not actually stirred.

That's the problem with forums, no body language or tone of voice, so it's easy for people to misinterpret the tone of posts.

I just went back and read what Chris said before the story starts, no mention of flashbacks.

I stand by my statement, this does not work as an opening because it doesn't get to the story, the conflict. There is no hook or story question being asked, these things in my experience are fundamental to good storytelling and publishable fiction.

Try this, look at the openings of any ten or so published short stories or novels. What they'll have in common is that that'll tackle the who, what, where, when and how, and get straight to the story, the conflcit, as soon as possible. This is even more true in genre fiction.

Also opening with the hero waking up and going through their morning routine is nearly always a mistake.

I am however not stirred, after all it's not my story.

Be Interesting to hear what Chris thinks.

[chrispenycate]

Adds another block as illustration:

Recruiters had little difficulty finding potential operator fodder in the camps. Huddled together, for comfort as much as warmth, the girls would have given far more than an interview for a meal and a place out of the wind. Sorting them was more difficult – pregnant or with babies or small children, literate, already speaking latin and gifted for learning other languages, not actually scared of technology, preferably originating outside the Thuringian dialect region- disappointed applicants were gently shepherded out to where they were fed, before rejoining the crowds outside. Gudrun watched them leave, hugging her swollen belly and hoping that something she had wuld be what they were looking for. She’d already been given a sandwich and a beaker of something hot and sweet, which was better than she had had in a very long time, and was content to go on answering questions as long as nescessary.
Now she was in front of a strange pair : a man, local, not the usual gang boss, more intellectual, and a woman to whom the former deferred, doubtless noble. So, it was to be a servant’s job? From the number of babies and expectant mothers, she would have guessed wet nurse, but the woman, while well rounded, was in no way pregnant, and the questions she asked (in a German so accented that in itself it would have been a further test of her linguistic abilities) had no bearing on the health and suitability of her potential employee.

If the story is written chronologically, it starts there (which isn't the start of a story, it's a flashback, but it could be rewritten) This isn't vastly adventurous, but is more active than the previous excerpt. The reason I'd chosen the flashback technique was to avoid a great lump at the end, full of bliss, babies and technical details (far too many technical details- I understand telephones, I don't understand human beings) The climax of the story is exceedingly dull relative to your heroic things- she gets to talk to a king on the telephone line -no blood, not last minute rescues, just doing her job.

As regards the Baen site: it was on "1632 slush" before it appeared here- it was reaction from there that made me decide to go on with it.

The story is a jigsaw puzzle of sections for the moment; I could still spice it up, make a telephone message avert a catastrophy or make her climb a telegraph pole in a thunderstorm to demonstrate how loyal she's become to the telecommunicant ethos, but that wasn't the character I was creating.

Thank you everyone who's commented- I'm trying to take all comments on board, while keeping it "mine", hoping characters are halfway believable and not putting in too many technical details.

[PenDragon]

Originally Posted by chrispenycate

The climax of the story is exceedingly dull relative to your heroic things- she gets to talk to a king on the telephone line -no blood, not last minute rescues, just doing her job.

As I said in my first post, conflict doesn't have to be epic.

The story is a jigsaw puzzle of sections for the moment; I could still spice it up, make a telephone message avert a catastrophy or make her climb a telegraph pole in a thunderstorm to demonstrate how loyal she's become to the telecommunicant ethos, but that wasn't the character I was creating.

This makes me think you're not getting my point. I wasn't suggesting you need to spice it up by shoehorning in 'larger than life' catastrophes and I think your character is fine. Where I think the 'story' has a problem is that it doesn't take the reader straight to the conflict, problem or 'story' quick enough.

Like I said it doesn't need to be a big earth shattering epic conflict, but the opening should hint at the conflict (internal or external, small or big) that might stop her ahcieving her story goal (in this case talking to the king).

The excerpt you've just posted has much more conflict, there is tension becasue Gudrun might not make it, might not get selected, might end up back with the others huddling in the cold. This is good conflict, this is good story. This will have readers rooting for your character, caring for her, identifying with her. Why doesn't your story start here? If you flashback to her selection the tension is gone, because we already know she made it.

Even if you want to use the framing device, flashback to her selction and then come out of the flashback and show how the hardship was worth it becasue she gets to talk to a king, why start with her waking up? Why not start with her right in the middle of a stressfull day doing her job. Much more dynamic than waking up and fixing breakfast, yes, no, maybe?

Gudrun stretched; sheer luxury. Her own bed, in her own room. She stood up, and slipped a robe over her sleeping shift.

The above as an opening, to me is nowhere near as strong as this...

Recruiters had little difficulty finding potential operator fodder in the camps. Huddled together, for comfort as much as warmth, the girls would have given far more than an interview for a meal and a place out of the wind.

...that first line...

Recruiters had little difficulty finding potential operator fodder in the camps.

...is great, it's authorative and it's both informative and intriguing. I'd guess it speaks volumes to someone who knows the 1632 universe. It's also jam packed full of potenial conflict, story.