The Chronicles of Tristan: Chapter One

[Treikayan]

I have been going back to my original story that I wrote and redoing it. Originally, it was mothballed after several attempts of publishing. I am going back to it now and rewriting a first person narrative into a third person narrative. Hopefully, this will be easier reading over the other things I shared. Hopefully, this is more enjoyable. ::smile::




BRIARS, BRAMBLES AND THICKETS!

Segment One

Peace. Harmony. Tranquility. The sun glistened over the Kue Mountains and the ancient trees of Blave Point gleamed in the rays of the sun. The ground was soft and the air gave a fresh scent of morning dew. The beautiful Noble Forest exhibited life as a wonder of nature and the lands of Dunsha in the Kue Empire were rich with splendor in the kingdoms of men; The forgotten garden on the Kue Mountains reminded the land that life is fallible and futile, and Blave Point is where the accursed awake and where the dead sleep. Above the garden, the realm of air was quiet and silent, just as the light of the sun. This is the resting ground of those who are forgotten. This is Blave Point, the place of the accursed, and hope lies to the west beyond the kingdoms of men.

While the realm of air remained silent and the light of the sun felt lukewarm, there was a persona in the forgotten garden. The sun intensified behind them. Appearing in the spring mist and morning dew, were two apparitions of the Fifth Era. The first apparition was the great King, the one from the House of Treíkayan, the line of the fervent one. His tan-brown eyes blazed greatly in the rays of the sun and his long blondish-brown hair waved in the windswept portion of the Kue Mountains. Standing boldly next to him was the great Queen of Ely, the immortal rebirth of the Queen of Heaven. She stood tall and extremely beautiful and her long ash brown hair went down to her back. Her grey eyes glistened in the rays of the sun. Worn around each of their necks was the mystical talisman containing the mystery of the five elements in this world. The talismans were the Straul, the medallion and signet of the King and Queen. The apparitions were King Tristan and Queen V’Lantrath, the rulers of the Fifth Era, the renewed age of King Exiv. The persona of Tristan and V'Lantrath illuminated brighter than daylight as they stood on the Kue Mountains and as they awoke from their eternal sleep in the Kue Mountains.

Suddenly, the realm of air grew dark and gruesome as daylight went to darkness. The sun of King Exiv was quickly hid behind thick, grey clouds. A thunderclap bellowed in the distance, and the quiet mountaintop diffused as a spark losing its potency. The spring dew that had enveloped the mountains faded, and a cloak of mist thickened into a lingering fog. Without repercussions of the gloom, the persona of Tristan and V'Lantrath, vanished before me without a trace.

The atmosphere filled with a cold and callous feel like the touch of a finger on the blade of a knife. The joy of the sun and the Fifth Era weakened under the weight of the piercing. The evil fire came down upon the land as a dark cloak and the Fifth era was gone, but fire is not the end, water is good fortune for all life.

“Oh, briars, brambles and thickets. You have choked this land with your suffering and defeat. You have left the land barren without its King and Queen.

Oh, dust, dirt and ashes. You are that which remains after the fire of anger consumes you. You leave the land in death without a divine healer.
Oh, mire, muck and sludge. You have given way to your evil deeds. Your heart is not a stone but soft and failing. You have filled this once rich land with your transgressions.
Oh, my King, how I have brought you to ruin. How my soul sings this song of grief.
Oh, the ice, the cold and the crystal. Oh, how my soul has sinned and is full of anger.
Oh, my heart, it betrays me. It chokes my mind, it bruises and beats with deception.
Oh how my soul is hollowed by the everlasting taste of bitterness at Mount Kesky, where you remain vanquished.
I have seen the evil of my ways and I must now pay for them somberly, for my soul has burrowed deep within the accursed garden where the wicked reign.
I have befallen you, oh mighty King Tristan. Is there a God who forgives the sinning soul, the heart of crystal malice?
I, the Turncoat.”
~~~~~~~~~~~

ONWARD TO THE KING OF THE REMAINING
Segment Two

[kyektulu]

Well done on your persistence with the story Triekayan.

I look forward to readin more of it, good luck.

[Paradox 99]

Hi Treikayan.
This is better than your previous installments, but personally, I still struggle with it.
It flows better than your previous work, but I still left it wondering what it was actually about - I can't really work out what this piece is saying.
The whole section is describing a scene, but nothing is actually happening yet. There's no dialogue or action here to grab the reader at the outset.

I'll keep quoting this guy's book, but it's so useful and the points he makes pop up time and again. Jack Bickman in his book "the 38 most common fiction writing mistakes" says:

...sometimes writers get carried away and go too far in trying to provide such descriptions; they stop too often to describe such things as sunsets, thinking that pretty prose is an end in itself - and forgetting that when they stop to describe something at length, the story movement also stops

There you have it, minimal description. You can describe things, but do it in smaller chunks, fed to the reader a piece at a time while you're moving a story along through your characters' experiences.

On the positive side. The poetry at the end was wonderful and I really liked this line near the start of the piece:

This is the resting ground of those who are forgotten. This is Blave Point, the place of the accursed, and hope lies to the west beyond the kingdoms of men.

That line was great, I thought it would have been a good starting point actually.

A few other niggles, but minor really...

Above the garden, the realm of air was quiet and silent, just as the light of the sun.

Is this a half-finished sentence?

the realm of air grew dark and gruesome as daylight went to darkness

"turned" instead of "went"?

the persona of Tristan and V'Lantrath, vanished before me without a trace.

Didn't you mention that this was being reworked as third person?

As Kyektulu says, I admire your persistence. But perhaps you need to consider dropping that particular trait as far as your scene setting is concerned. Be persistent in writing, but set yourself an excercise in writing a scene that just involves character interaction and try to resist moving into a lengthy narrative on describing their settings - slip little bits in here and there. Not only will this be a challenge for you, but I'm certain you'll produce something really good.

Keep going.

[Treikayan]

Hi Paradox and Kye. Thank you for replying and critiquing. I've been really busy, but I'll get the updates soon. It is supposed to be third person, and I didn't catch some of the first person mistakes. Originally the story was all first person.

I may make the above a prologue. Maybe that would work better. Anywho, I'll get to the changes as soon as I get a free moment.

[Cosmo]

hi great peace but i dont think it should be a prologue maybe chapter two it is really important to catch your readers attention with the first sentences maybe an action scene

Cosmo

[Alicia]

I have found this to be your best (of all your installments) but the plot doesn't seem very strong to me. While it is beautifully written, I'm a little lost when it comes to the point of it all. Where is it going?

If you could keep the flow in tact, but bring the point more to light I think you'd be on the right track.

I admire you perseverance tho...best of luck!

[Treikayan]

Thank you Cosmo and Alicia.

Ok, I have an action sequence planned, but I'm having difficulty writing it. Any tips on this? There is a battle that does happen in the beginning of the story, but originally, since the story was first person, the main character was not involved with it. So, I'm actually going to write the battle sequence this time in third person.

[Paradox 99]

I'd say avoid long descriptive sentences when you're dealing with fight scenes (unless you're dealing with some huge panoramic view of a war or something).
Write in the same way that battle happens. Fast, short, sharp sentences, but remeber to keep it flowing too - it can be a hard balance to get right. Mark Robson has the knack and so does Alicia (she has plenty of excellent battle scenes in her installments).

Another thread dealt with this and you can see a great example from Mark there:

http://www.chronicles-network.com/fo...ht-scenes.html

[Rosemary]

Your getting there Treik Am really looking forward to reading Chapter Two.

[Treikayan]

This is the beginning of the battle sequence. (I have some time off from school this week to write).

ONWARD TO THE KING OF THE REMAINING

Segment Two

The elfin city of Yaivtag was under siege in the north. For days, the Kue advanced closer to the sacred stronghold of the elves in the Ely Region. The town had become the focus of power and domination for the world. Dark elves in the north united with the half-elves, the uilaul, and the men of the west. The Kue Empire was gaining dominance in the world and, now, the sacred elfin cities became targets of ultimate power in the empire. Yaivtag remained as a scepter of enlightenment and an oracle of wonder to men. It was ready to fall to the captivity of the dark elves and the men of the Kue Empire.


Captain Itheuks of the I’akon kept a strong defense for the stronghold and the Ely Region. He loved the lands of the east and Yaivtag was nearly the last savored city of the elves to stand in peace against ruin. King Shadlier sought refuge at Oasis, but the strength of Vall would surely fall if Yaivtag fell to men. Since the fall of King Tristan and Queen V’Lantrath, King Shadlier, King of the Remaining, did his best to keep the east from falling against the power of the dark elves and the lusts of men. He acted as proxy to the fallen King.


On October 21, Captain Itheuks T’Bleth and his two generals, Karnan and Tarshah, formed the army there at Yaivtag around the walls of the city. They were collaborating with King Olais of Yaivtag to reinforce the defenses. At midday legions of men and dark elves formed a line. King Olais of Yaivtag rode out to meet the captain to negotiate terms with the prince of men, Huron.


“We will take this city by force,” Prince Huron growled. His helm was styled in the fashion of the Kue Empire and the Duchy of Dunsha, where he dwelled. “We lay claim to this land now, since your former King Tristan is no more. You have failed the gods and you and the elves in the east are under judgment of their counsel.”


King Olais of Yaivtag sat proud and erect on his white mare. “This land still thrives by the power of the gods and we will protect our lands. King Shadlier, cousin of King Tristan, is still on the throne. He still remains the high fief our lands. All his subjects, including me, still uphold him as if he were King Tristan himself. There will be no terms of surrender here, and we will not grant you rites to our beautiful city.”


“I assure you, our Emperor Korush will surely raise his flags in your holy city,” Prince Huron forced.


The statement embittered King Olais, and he sneered, “The foundation of our city will curse your emperor and spew forth your empire.”


“Then, may your doom be at hand, and may the gods judge you for the turncoat amongst your kingdom.”



With the last word, Prince Huron rode back to the army of men and dark elves. King Olais returned to the outer walls of Yaivtag, and he gave order to Itheuks to be ready. Troops remained also in Yaivtag on the walls to keep defense of the city inside.


The sun was high above when a volley of arrows came down upon the elves at Yaivtag. The arrows came down as a shower upon the outer defense of Yaivtag. Itheuks ordered his generals, Karnan and Tarshah to flank the archers at the front with their troops. Itheuks wondered, though, with the volley of arrows.

[Paradox 99]

This is much, much better Treik.
You've cut right down on lecturing your reader with great chunks of legend and history and jumped into an actual story. Now I feel like I'm seeing something happening. You left us with a hook too, to keep us interested.

Even so, I'd still lose the second paragraph and slip it in somewhere else, maybe as one character discussing it with another character or something.

I've got nothing to say about spelling or grammar, it all looked sound from what I saw.

So how does the battle progress? Does Yaivtag survive? (How's that pronounced btw?)
Let's see some more.

[Rosemary]

Certainly worth the wait Treik...

I liked the way Prince Huron and King Olais negiotiated...and you described how they felt about it just by a few words.

Well, done....

[Treikayan]

Here is the battle scene. It's not complete, because I think I may go back and change some stuff. However, the original events (from the first write in first person) are accurate as far as what Itheuks discloses later to the main character.


...

The sun was high above when a volley of arrows came down upon the elves at Yaivtag. The arrows came down as a shower upon the outer defense of Yaivtag. Itheuks ordered his generals, Karnan and Tarshah to flank the archers at the front with their troops. Itheuks wondered, though, with the volley of arrows. “Hold your ground, men!” Itheuks called out.


In the west, there was a thunder and a roar of commotion from the Kue. The sky was darkened by the army of the west and the horizon lingered with uncertainty. Itheuks turned towards the King. “Something is not right.” He looked through his spyglass towards the western fields. He turned to the King of Yaívtag. “They fired with arrows, but we were prepared for a missile attack. Do you see any sign of siege weapons?” He was concerned. “I think I see some in the center.”


The King looked through his spyglass and Itheuks gave order for the archers to advance to the front line. “Ready archers,” he called out.


“Incoming!” cried King Olais, and the army of elves and half-elves along the outer walls took defense. Without any time to react, a bombardment of burning debris struck down the frontline of the army. Most of the archers were killed, and the outer walls were even struck. One of the bombardments struck the main gate and it fell.


Meanwhile, Karnan and Tarshah flanked from the right and left and maintained a strong offense against the advancement. They blew their horns and attacked. Weakening the outer offenses of the enemy, Tarshah prevailed against the siege ranks. The siege weapons were in the center of the army, and Tarshah’s army penetrated deep into the center to take out most of the threat. Before the enemy had time to reload the trebuchets, King Olais told Itheuks to strengthen the center to protect the gate. The bombardment of the debris killed most of the front and center ranks. “Protect the King’s file,” Itheuks ordered the ranks. “The gate is destroyed.”


“That was no ordinary trebuchet that did this,” Itheuks commented to the King. “It took out the gate and most of the front ranks.” Itheuks was worried. “The bombardment was horizontal not parabolic like from a catapult of trebuchet.”


“From the spyglass, I saw Tarshah and Karnan advancing from the right and left against the siege ranks.” He paused and cleared his throat. “None of them fired though,” he emphasized dubiously.


Itheuks looked up with perplexity in his face. “What could have blasted our gate like that?”


Soon, a thunderous roar was heard by the King and Itheuks. “They’re advancing.” Itheuks held up the spyglass and he saw what he feared. “Karnan and Tarshah are retreating, majesty.”


“Retreat!” The King shouted. “Move inside the city. Ready the outer defenses along the walls.”


“We should stay here and fight it out, my lord. The gate is down.” Itheuks steadied his horse and remained focused on the events of the battle.


“They will not get in,” The King assured. “We can hold them outside.”


“No disrespect, my King, but this is not a wise decision. The gate is breached and to erect another in it’s place will take time.”


“That’s why I’m sending in the Warriors of Sri to guard the gate.” The King was convinced they would have the strength to fight off the advancing Kue. It was well-known that the Warriors of Sri had divine powers, especially with the sacred art of Olla-Bainna. The King filed in first to Yaivtag before the armies of elves and half-elves. The thunder of commotion was louder, as the Kue neared the outer walls.


“The Warriors of Sri have agreed to partake in this fight?” Itheuks asked.


“They have and as you know, they are very clever and precise with their attacks. It is as if the gods have embraced them.”


Once again, a shower of burning debris was launched at the city as the army filed into Yaívtag. The severe attack annihilated half of the army and damaged the outer walls facing west. Itheuks hurried the remainder of the ranks into the city before Karnan and Tarshah returned. Fear filled their faces.


“What? What is it?” Itheuks noticed. “They weren’t using siege weapons were they?”


They both remained silent as both their armies convened inside with the main army. Outside the city, the three of them remained. They were ready to confront the enemy, even if it meant to their deaths. “We took an oath, men,” he reminded. “We were appointed by our King Iluviuks from our home in the Ikhthrakon Corridor. King Shadlíer even summoned us to fight, so we must fulfill our duties to them and give our lives to ensure this sacred city will not fall.”


King Olais gave the order for the Warriors of Sri to take the front line. They came to the front, adorned in their finest attire. They did not wear plate armor, because it restricted free movement in battle. Instead they were clothed in the finest leather armor of the east. “May the God of the Concordant Summit be merciful to us,” the King mentioned as the Warriors of Sri marched to the front in perfect attunement. “May he watch over us and safeguard our sacred city.” He blessed them.


The west loomed darker and louder as the Kue advanced. The dark elves and the men of the west were ready to take the elfin city and thereby rule the known world. The sun was cloaked by a dark fog, and finally, the Kue approached the outer walls. There they stopped, and Prince Huron rode forward. Itheuks, Karnan and Tarshah readied their horses to defend his approach. However, in the middle of the outer walls and the front line of the Kue, the Prince stopped. After stopping, their was a mighty whoosh in the air and a sentinel of dragons flew overhead. They reined down fire and debris into the city. Fires brewed in Yaívtag and the King worried.


“Is it lost then?” Itheuks wondered. “Have we failed them?”


Karnan and Tarshah looked back into the city. “Perhaps, not.” Tarshah admitted. This is the city of Queen V’Lantrath. I believe she is still alive and I believe the cloud goddess who conceived her would not forsake her kin, nor see her city overrun. I assure you, she will not allow the enemy to raise their flags here.” The passion of his words struck Itheuks with hope.


“Look!” King Olais announced. “They are fleeing. The sentinel is retreating.” The King pointed towards the east up in the mountain range, where the Cleft of the Eye remains. “They were frightened by her presence. I knew she would not forsake us.” The other looked but they did not see anything. Only a bright shaft of light penetrated the cloak of darkness and shined down on the Cleft of the Eye in the mountains. “It is she!”


The Kue in front of the city began to march slowly closer to the walls.


“Captain, you must move,” politely ordered the Commander of the Warriors of Sri. “Because of the sign over the mountains, I must take command of the army. Go back to King Shadlíer and tell him what you have seen here. This city will not fall. I promise you.”


Surprisingly, Itheuks was not offended by the order, and he respected the Warriors of Sri as did most of the east. Even though the mystery of the Sri confounded Itheuks, he held them with deep honor for their services with the elves in the past. They were held with adoration by the elves and half-elves in the east and their hometown of Conería was the focus of divinity for the east. “Commander Aidain, I will give the report but my two generals must go with me. We must return to Vall where the King awaits us. The weight of the east is on your shoulders, commander. You must not allow this city to fall. Understand!” Itheuks trusted the Commander, but still wondered about their strange mysticism.


“Glory be!” the Commander Aidain announced. He raised a right hand and covered his heart with the left in the spirit of the elfin greeting of the past. “Count Stoírra will be responsible for any event of this battle now,” the Commander said.


“Glory be!” Itheuks returned affectionately. He gestured the same. “May the God of the Concordant Summit finally reveal his power to us.”


As Itheuks and his two generals rode off, Prince Huron ordered his cavalry to assail them. “Get them and bring them back to me alive.” He ordered.


Hearing the order of the Prince, the three of them quickly galloped towards Vall, where King Shadlíer was waiting for their return. The cavalry went in pursuit of them. The cavalry continued to charge them into the evening.


Late on October 22, Itheuks and his generals passed through the Divan towers and approached the outer fringe of Vall. They continued to be pursued by the Kue into Vall, and there was no army assembled there, and the King was not there. The town was vacant, and the three continued onward without food and drink. “Perhaps, we should speak to King Iluviuks and report to him instead,” Itheuks suggested the others. “Who knows where King Shadlier is, and I think as we approach Halloway, they will give up there pursuit.”

[Treikayan]

Originally Posted by Paradox 99

This is much, much better Treik.

So how does the battle progress? Does Yaivtag survive? (How's that pronounced btw?)
Let's see some more.

Thank you Paradox and Rosie.

Yaivtag is pronounced "YAYV-tag." The original and ancient transliterative spelling of it is, "Oeaibh na Theog," [YAV na HyOEGk] "city of the great host" interestingly.

I'm going to take a look at that second paragraph and see what I can do. Also, there are some grammatical errors in this newer narrative I'm aware of. Not to worry.

[Rosemary]

[The sky was darkened by the army of the west]

This is the only part I feel qualified to query upon!

How was the sky darkened? or is this another normal sentence in a battle scene !!