Quick fire jokes!

[weaveworld]

Two peanuts walk into a rather rough bar, not looking for any trouble.
Unfortunately, one was a salted.
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A jump lead walks into a bar.
The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
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A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
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Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love and get married.
The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.
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Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
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Man with a strawberry stuck up his bum goes to the doctor.
The Doctor says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
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"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well........It's not unusual........."
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A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling film for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
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Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, "I think I've lost an electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive."
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Answer phone message:
"If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."
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A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says,
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him."
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "
"No, because he's really heavy."
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Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.
And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It's either my mum or my dad.
Or my older brother Colin.
Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
But I think it's Colin.
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I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
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My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.
He was pulled in by a strong currant.
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A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted,"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied,"I know you can't, I had to amputate your arms"
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I went to a really energetic "Seafood Disco" last week and pulled a mussel.
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Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
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A man walks into doctor's office.
"What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc.
"It's ... um ... well ... I have five penises," replies the man.
"Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?"
"Like a glove."
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Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands.
Police say that he topped himself.

[Alicia]

Fantastic! Absolutely Fantastic!

[cornelius]

LOLAFOC, for real, I love these fast fires, it can make people laugh for hours.

thanks, weaveworld

[Adasunshine]

Brilliant!

Thankyou

xx

[Grant]

I don't normally find Jokes Funny but theses ones are funny...I like the one about the clown and the cannables

[Moonbat]

I wanted to join the Anarchist club
But there were too many rules.

I went to university to study human instinct
But they said that it can't be taught

Sorry about them!

[Boneman]

Some Insults:

Your IQ test was negative.

It's hard to believe you beat 1,000,000 other sperm.

They say one day you'll be Prime Minister. And one day will be too much.

You're a difficult person to forget. But well worth the effort.

The more I think of you, the less I think of you

You're a peripheral visionary.

You're the sort of person who would be called a shining wit - by Dr Spooner.

I've hated your looks from the start they gave me.

You're not a complete idiot - some bits are missing

[digs]

A piece of string walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve your kind here."
As the string leaves, he has an idea. He wriggles and turns and scruffs himself up.
When he walks back in, the bartender eyes him suspiciously and says, "Are you a piece of string?"
The string replies, "No, I'm a frayed knot."

[pyan]

A Rabbi, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a nun, a dog and a nine-inch pianist walk into a bar.
The barman looks at them and says: "Is this some kind of a joke?"

A cowboy walked into a bar and ordered a whiskey. When the bartender delivered the drink, the cowboy asked, "Where is everybody?" The bartender replied, "They've gone to the hanging." "Hanging? Who are they hanging?" "Brown Paper Pete," the bartender replied.
"What kind of a name is that?" the cowboy asked. "Well," said the bartender, "he wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers and brown paper shoes."
"Weird guy," said the cowboy. "What are they hanging him for?"


"Rustling," said the bartender.

[Starbeast]

I caught my cat playing with a sheet of aluminum, he was foiled again.

[Boneman]

My wife and I have agreed never to go to bed angry with one another. So far, we've been up three weeks.

My wife complains that I never listen to her - or something like that.

If it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

I got married to Miss Right. I just didn't realise her first name was 'Always'.

I've been very depressed recently. My wife's threatened to leave me. But even that hasn't cheered me up.

[Brisby]

A grasshopper goes into a bar and jumps up on a stool. The bartender looks over and with a smile says, "Hey buddy, did you know we have a drink in here named after you?"

A bit surprised the grasshopper looks up and replies, "What, you got a drink named Irving?"

[Boneman]

Women will never be the equal of men until they can walk down the street bald, and still think they look great.

[Boneman]

What do you call an elephant that's not important? Irrelephant....

[Boneman]

According to the latest survey, married man's favourite fantasy when making love, is that their wives aren't fantasising...


Any married man should forget his mistakes - its no use two people remembering the same thing.

I'd leave my wife, if only I could think of a way of doing it that didn't make her happy.