critiquing the first 3 pages of my book

[Cosmo]

hi everyone please tell me what you think of "the story so far" My grammar is terrible so please point that out also.

Prologue

Marissa was sprinting down the dull grey path on the hill, her feet falling familiarly on the cold wet stones. Her enticing green eyes brimmed with determination, she had to warn her parents, but even as she ran, deep inside her heart she could tell, they were already dead. But there was hope yet for her younger brother who set off with her in the first place but who had gone back complaining that he was never going to catch anything and it was too wet anyway. Even while contemplating weather to turn back and save herself or not she tripped on a rock and fell onto the arrow shaft protruding from her shoulder driving the barbed arrow-tip back into her soft scar tissue, pain spread through her body and after lying down for a bit she had a new surge of determination which caused her to get up and ignore the pain then she heard a voice calling her name and while her concentration was taken from her for a split second she collapsed again but this time she landed on the other shoulder. Sprawled on the flaw she made the snap decision, to take the arrow out and within the second she reached over her shoulder with her preferred left hand and wrenched the arrow out… backwards, it turned out that it was the wrong thing to do. When it had first gone in she had decided to leave it sticking from her shoulder. Blood now ran freely from her shoulder and she knew she was going to pass out.

* * * *

Marissa’s eyes flitted open and she saw a man above her wiping a cold wet cloth on her forehead. As soon as she got a grip on reality she jumped up and reached for the gutting knife in her pocket in order to protect herself, but her pocket was empty the man smiled with his eyes and said “your brother is fine, he has a few scratches and bruises but apart from that he is fine. But you young Marissa, you must rest” “where’s my brother? Are my parents alive?” she demanded with panic in her voice “you’re brother is downstairs but you’re parents were not so lucky. But they did have a package for you that is also downstairs” “get me Jason, I want my brother” this time pleading “I will bring you your brother once you have rested. Now drink this” he gave her a cup with a dark red liquid inside. The liquid was sweet so she drank it all and was slowly dragged into a restful sleep.
The man walked downstairs and saw Jason sitting behind the large round coffee table, he had the same eyes as Marissa and coarse brown hair as soon as Jason noticed the man he said “is she going to be o.k.?” and the man replied she will be fine but let her rest for a few hours and then bring the package up to her” “o.k.” Jason said plainly not wanting to disagree with the man who had been so hospitable.
Two hours later Jason walked up the stairs clumsily making his way to the room in which Marissa was resting. To his delight she was awake. A smile spread across his face and he said “Maris It’s me” “Jase” she said and winced as he embraced her pulling on her heavily bandaged shoulder “I have a package for you” he said and handed it over she opened it slowly and carefully and inside were 20 gold coins, a strange silver object and a note which read
Dear Marissa and Jason our village is being attacked right now and we will probably not make it out alive so we have got a few things for you, all our money is in this package along with something that Marissa and Marissa alone must take to Eslor which is a small town in Barall, I know it’s a long way but you must go there to meet someone. And Jason I want you to find uncle Renn who will look after you for a bit until you decide what you want to do with you’re life

that is three book pages and all i have written so far but in the next few chapters i will tell the story of finn who is a strange kind of magician who makes a strange discovery...mysterious huh.

Please do not cry over our deaths we will await you in the fields of gold

Love from mum and dad

[Mark Robson]

I know I welcomed you in my forum, but this feels a bit more public, so welcome again, Cosmo. Good to see you here. As I already know you are a young writer, I will applaud your imagination. As you have already admitted, however, there are quite a lot of basic errors in the writing.

As a general rule, if you are trying to give a feeling of breathless action, try to use short, sharp sentences. Your opening sentences are too long. They also contain the word 'but' far too often. Look:

Marissa was sprinting down the dull grey path on the hill, her feet falling familiarly on the cold wet stones. Her enticing green eyes brimmed with determination, she had to warn her parents, but even as she ran, deep inside her heart she could tell, they were already dead. But there was hope yet for her younger brother who set off with her in the first place but who had gone back complaining that he was never going to catch anything and it was too wet anyway.

Now read this version:

Marissa sprinted down the grey path. Her feet slipped on the cold, wet stones with every pace. She had to warn her parents. Fear gripped her. Were they already dead? Her heart told her she was too late, but while there was still so much as a glimmer of hope, Marissa would not give up.

Jason, her younger brother was ahead of her somewhere. He was in danger too. Her green eyes brimmed with determination. She would make it, or die trying.

Do you see the difference? By driving to the heart of the emotions gripping her, and using short, simple sentences and asking questions that the reader will want answers too, you will grip them far more readily.

There are several mis-spelt words that will not be picked up by your spell check: weather should be whether, flaw should be floor etc. With a bit of work you could re-write this into something that would really grab your potential readers very effectively.

Good luck with your writing.

[Cosmo]

:O you're better than my english teacher by far this has really helped your improved version is twice as good (you don't mind if i use it do you?)

thanks again Cosmo

p.s i have now written 2 A4 pages and i was wondering what the page margins are for "book pages"

[Cosmo]

Marissa sprinted down the dull grey path. Her feet fell on the cold wet stones as she ran. She had to warn her parents. The fingers of fear gripped her heart. Were they already dead? Her head told her they were but her heart held a sliver of hope and she would not stop until that hope was gone.

Jason, Her brother was about half an hour ahead of her. He was in danger too. Her dark green eyes brimmed with determination. She would make it, or die trying.

I've changed it to this and thank you again it's much better

[Paradox 99]

Hi Cosmo, and welcome to Chronicles.

I've just read through your work. Mark has already picked out the spelling errors and pointed out some other issues too. Here's my tuppence...

From a story perspective, you're off to a good start. You're grabbing the reader straight away and presenting an action scene. The main character is obviously in danger, has already been plunged into a drama and has a mission to reach her brother. This sort of thing is a great way to begin, so well done with that.

However, you're right about the grammar - that does need plenty of work. But that's okay, it's something you'll gradually improve on with a little help, time and determination (coming to this forum is a good move - there are some good people here who'll give you some excellent advice).

Here are some specifics I've noticed so far...

Her enticing green eyes brimmed with determination

Somehow the word "enticing" seems out of place in this context. She's in danger and desperate so to my mind, if you're going to use a word to describe her eyes, "intense" would fit better as it lines up with the subject matter. Actually though, you may be better off just removing both "enticing" and "green" to keep it simple.

Even while contemplating weather to turn back and save herself or not she tripped on a rock and fell onto the arrow shaft protruding from her shoulder driving the barbed arrow-tip back into her soft scar tissue, pain spread through her body and after lying down for a bit she had a new surge of determination which caused her to get up and ignore the pain then she heard a voice calling her name and while her concentration was taken from her for a split second she collapsed again but this time she landed on the other shoulder.

Don't try to read that sentence out loud - you may need to learn how to breathe through your ears.
Something like this would read better, I think...

"Even while contemplating to turn back and save herself, she tripped on a rock and fell. An arrow shaft protruding from her shoulder drove the barbed tip deeper into her soft scar-tissue and pain spread through her body. She laid on the ground only briefly before a new surge of determination forced her to ignore the agony and get up. It was at that moment she heard a voice calling her name and for a split second, her concentration was taken from her. She collapsed again, this time landing on her other shoulder."

That still needs work, but hopefully you can see the difference once it's been split up into more sentences.
Read through the rest of your work aloud and you'll be able to tell where you need full stops and commas.

Sprawled on the flaw she made the snap decision

I'd say "a" snap decision (Mark has already pointed out that this should be "floor" too.)

Marissa’s eyes flitted open

Not sure about the word "flitted". Would that be better as "flickered"?

but her pocket was empty the man smiled with his eyes and said "your brother is fine, he has a few scratches and bruises but apart from that he is fine.

but her pocker was empty. The man smiled...

he had the same eyes as Marissa and coarse brown hair as soon as Jason noticed the man he said "is she going to be o.k.?"

Again, take a closer look at this and think about where the full stop needs to be.

Also, as you're in the UK, when dealing with speech you need single speech marks instead of double. Don't ask me why - it's just one of those mysterious rules you pick up on the way.

Anyway, as I said, you're off to a good start. You just need (as you know) to get some more writing experience and improve that grammar. Keep at it.

[Herew]

Cosmo, I just hve one thing for you apart from what has already been said. It is this: When you change the person who is talking, start a new paragraph.

EX: "Hello Cosmo, how are you doing?" asked Herew.
"I am well Herew," replied Cosmo.

[Cosmo]

thanks you 3 you have been a great help, not only helping me with the book but also helping me with structuring rules etc for the rest of my book.

thanks again Cosmo

[chrispenycate]

I see someones already done som corrections, but since I don't know where, I'll jus plough in
[/quote]

Originally Posted by Cosmo

hi everyone please tell me what you think of "the story so far" My grammar is terrible so please point that out also.

Prologue

Marissa was sprinting down the dull grey path on the hill, her feet falling familiarly

Originally Posted by Cosmo

on the cold wet stones. Her enticing green eyes brimmed with determination, she had to warn her parents, but even as she ran, deep inside her heart she could tell, they were already dead. But there was hope yet for her younger brother who set

who had set off

Originally Posted by Cosmo

off with her in the first place but who had gone back complaining that he was never going to catch anything and it was too wet anyway. Even while contemplating weather

whether

Originally Posted by Cosmo

to turn back and save herself or not she tripped on a rock and fell onto the arrow shaft protruding from her shoulder driving the barbed arrow-tip back into her soft scar tissue, pain spread through her body and after lying down for a bit she had a new surge of determination which caused her to get up and ignore the pain then she heard a voice calling her name and while her concentration was taken from her for a split second she collapsed again but this time she landed on the other shoulder. Sprawled on the flaw

floor - thogh it's actually the ground

Originally Posted by Cosmo

she made the snap decision, to take the arrow out and within the second she reached over her shoulder with her preferred left hand and wrenched the arrow out… backwards,

needs a full stop there

Originally Posted by Cosmo

it turned out that it

I'd prefer "that that was the wrong thing to do; too many "it"s around

Originally Posted by Cosmo

was the wrong thing to do. When it had first gone in she had decided to leave it sticking from her shoulder. Blood now ran freely from her shoulder and she knew she was going to pass out.

* * * *

Marissa’s eyes flitted open and she saw a man above her wiping a cold wet cloth on her forehead. As soon as she got a grip on reality she jumped up and reached for the gutting knife in her pocket in order to protect herself, but her pocket was empty

full stop

Originally Posted by Cosmo

the man smiled with his eyes and said “your brother is fine, he has a few scratches and bruises but apart from that he is fine. But you

comma

Originally Posted by Cosmo

young Marissa, you must rest” “where’s my brother? Are my parents alive?” she demanded with panic in her voice “you’re

your

Originally Posted by Cosmo

brother is downstairs but you’re

your

Originally Posted by Cosmo

parents were not so lucky. But they did have a package for you that is also downstairs” “get me Jason, I want my brother” this time pleading “I will bring you your brother once you have rested. Now drink this” he gave her a cup with a dark red liquid inside. The liquid was sweet so she drank it all and was slowly dragged into a restful sleep.
The man walked downstairs and saw Jason sitting behind the large round coffee table, he had the same eyes as Marissa and coarse brown hair

full stop

Originally Posted by Cosmo

as soon as Jason noticed the man he said “is she going to be o.k.?” and the man replied

open inverted commas

Originally Posted by Cosmo

she will be fine but let her rest for a few hours and then bring the package up to her” “o.k.” Jason said plainly not wanting to disagree with the man who had been so hospitable.
Two hours later Jason walked up the stairs

comma, I think, but it could be one word later

Originally Posted by Cosmo

clumsily making his way to the room in which Marissa was resting. To his delight she was awake. A smile spread across his face and he said “Maris It’s me” “Jase” she said and winced as he embraced her

comma

Originally Posted by Cosmo

pulling on her heavily bandaged shoulder “I have a package for you” he said and handed it over

full stop

Originally Posted by Cosmo

she opened it slowly and carefully and inside were 20 gold coins, a strange silver object and a note which read

probably colon

Originally Posted by Cosmo

Dear Marissa and Jason our village is being attacked right now and we will probably not make it out alive so we have got a few things for you, all our money is in this package along with something that Marissa and Marissa alone must take to Eslor which is a small town in Barall, I know it’s a long way but you must go there to meet someone. And Jason I want you to find uncle Renn who will look after you for a bit until you decide what you want to do with you’re

your

Originally Posted by Cosmo

life

that is three book pages and all i have written so far but in the next few chapters i will tell the story of finn who is a strange kind of magician who makes a strange discovery...mysterious huh.

Please do not cry over our deaths we will await you in the fields of gold

Love from mum and dad

Punctuation isn't your strongest point, is it? All right, I'll go and do the same for the next part.

[Cosmo]

thanks chris you've helped alot here and yes i am a self confessed punctuation idiot i'll probably make at least one mistake in this sentence alone.

I will post the rest of the chapter soon but please also tell me what you think of the plot and writing style
Cosmo

[chrispenycate]

Originally Posted by Cosmo

thanks chris you've helped alot here and yes i am a self confessed punctuation idiot i'll probably make at least one mistake in this sentence alone.

I will post the rest of the chapter soon but please also tell me what you think of the plot and writing style
Cosmo

I was trying to avoid artistic judgements (cowardly of me, I know) by concentrating on the mechanical details that I'm pretty good at, The trouble is, artistic judgements are always subjective, Still I think I can say the writing style still needs a fair amount of work- I very much doubt if anything here will appear in the final draft. The characters are still very two dimensional - I trust they will gain some depth as the story proceeds. I'm horibly afraid that all I can say is the terrrible "Shows promise, needs more work"

[Cosmo]

thanks again for your honesty Chris (however brutal)

[cornelius]

as for the punctuation, I can't add anything more to wath is said by the "pro-editors"
as for the storyline, which is always my main concern, I think you got something good in your hands. The beginning is a bit basic, yet intreguing enough to continue reading.
If you keep posting your extracts on this forum, I'm sure you'll manage to get this piece going. I wish you the best of luck
(btw I wrote "suicide,not Scalem. thanks for the comment)

[Cosmo]

oh sorry I must have read wrong well i thaught it was v good

[Balinor]

Is there somewhere i could put a snippet of my story for people to read and comment on?

[chrispenycate]

Originally Posted by Balinor

Is there somewhere i could put a snippet of my story for people to read and comment on?

Seems to me that you just open a new thread here (in critiques) and post- and then, if I'm the first there, I jump all over it with my hobnail boots (or have I misunderstood?)
Slightly more seriously, this is the right place, just start your own thread, so as not to confuse people.