I agree... it needs tweaking, but that's really all it needs. Allow me to make some suggestions:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dexter  No longer a woods where deer can hide out in |
I would make that "wood" and eliminate "in"
Quote:
| Only rental space for lease |
And I think I'd make that "Only a space for rent". That way, the length of the final line is closer to that of other stanzas, and it also has more impact, I think. "For lease" seems to me to be a bit redundant, making the blow softer.
Quote:
There is…
No longer civility
No longer tranquility
No longer accountability
Only me, me, me
There is…
No longer time
No longer life
No longer room for life
Only room enough to exist |
Again, I think I'd remove "enough"... same reasons as above.
Quote:
There is…
No longer anyone worried
About what is
Or was
But no longer |
And here I'd make it "Or what was", and "But is no longer" -- again, it brings it closer to the flow of the other stanzas, adds the missing beat in the final lines, and also sharply drives home the "was"/"is" contrast.
How does that sound?