[Leisha]

Hi, I've gone through a couple of pages for you. I don't know if any of my suggestions are to your liking, but I'll make them anyway.


Below in the hold all that had happened on the topside had not gone unnoticed by the prisoners or passengers in their cages [To be honest, you could word this first line better. It's taken me several reads to understand your meaning -- and that's if I've got it right. I think my main concern is the "hold all"; that's a bag. Perhaps something more gripping, something that's easier to comprehend like "Below, in the hold, everything that had occurred above deck had not gone unnoticed by the prisoners." I haven't mentioned "and the passengers" because it lessens the strength of the sentence.]. That was all that there was in the ship’s hold—shelves and the cages that lined them. [They went] All the way down to the cavernous bottom of the ship, which was taking on water and drowning the poor souls that had chosen [to be in,] or been put in [into] [comma] the bottom. Not too far from the bottom [repeat of "bottom"] was a cage that held two passengers, helpless in the grip of fear [scared] that the water would soon be coming up to claim them, too [Although writing "scared" and "in the grip of fear" is telling, not showing; you could show us they're scared by their reactions, such as heart pumping, hands sweating, etc]. Breathless, Michael Owens [I'm sorry, but I think of a certain footballer when I read that name ] and his friend Laura Ferrel looked on [remove "on"] at the scene with bulging, horrified eyes and open-maw [open-maw is an odd way of saying "open-mouthed".] expressions.


Laura squeezed Michael’s hands and tried to talk to him over the roar and rushing of the water crashing into the battleship [comma] but she could not meet his eyes or gain his attention. He was focused not [Should be reworded to "He was not focused"] on the rushing of the water [comma. Also, how about "rushing water"] but the terrible screams there were being silenced quicker and quicker [Or being "quickly silenced"]. "Michael!" Laura cried, shaking him by the shoulders.

Michael’s spell of apathetic, horrified daze was broken [You are using more words than you need to. Perhaps something like "Michael's apathy ended, and he looked into..."] and he looked straight ["straight" is unneeded] into Laura’s eyes, finding no reassurance, but feeling [he felt] her squeeze his hand. It warmed him inside [comma] and at that moment [comma] he knew he was probably going to die for the young woman someday. Quit it, a resentful, bitter voice raged at him from inside him[Or "Quit it, his resentful, bitter inner voice raged at him"]. You ain’t good enough [comma] and you know she don’t love you that way. After that, the helpful part of that bitterness kicked in [This is telling]. You gotta get outta here [comma; always a comma before you directly address a person] frank ["Frank" perhaps?], it said. Michael wondered why his conscience felt the biting need to give him a nickname in a situation like this.

The bars on the cage that they resided in were anything but stable [Again, you choose the longer way of saying things. Why not "The bars of their cage were anything but stable"?], but Michael surveyed them anyway, trying to feign a sense of calm confidence so that Laura wouldn’t break down like before. Michael took her by the shoulders this time and said, "I"m [I'm] going to get you to your family, to your brother! We’re going to get out of this!" Laura nodded fearfully ["Fearfully" is telling. Instead, try to show us she's scared.], taking turns looking down at the elevating water and back into his face, trying to level the sense of calm and insane fear in herself [Point of view slip; we're now in her mind and her thoughts. We we're in his POV before.].

Michael could see perhaps [the "perhaps" makes you sound hesitant. Try to state what's going on, quickly and clearly] one part of the cage that was more unstable than any other—there was one bar that was crooked [This line -- as is a few of your others -- is full of passive voice (In passive sentences, you use "was/is/were/be/are" and they produce passive writing. Here's a rewrite: "Looking around, Michael could see one crooked bar, and he knew that, while he would not fit through the gap in between, Laura's slender body would." You see the difference? The line isn't as wordy, it states exactly what's going on, and it's written in an active voice.]. He knew that he would need probably two of the bars for himself to get out, but he knew Laura was slender, and she would probably only need that one to get up and start to climb on the other cages and try to make it for the door of the hold, suspended on a catwalk above [Whoa! This sentence is looooong!]. He had to get up there too [comma] though, or neither of them would be able to reach the catwalk from the highest cage. And all this thinking? [Is the really a question?] The voice prodded in him. It’s wasting your damned time. Get on with it, frank. [I'd personally write something like And all this thinking, the voice prodded in him, it's wasting your time.]


I'll leave it there because I'm having difficulty typing today (I've got a cold and my head's not "with it").

I hope this gives you some ideas anyway. As usual, use or lose as you wish.