Originally Posted by lin robinson 
Everybody in the place had flat, blue-black skin, slitted eyes, and heads shaved bald except for elaborately lacquered topknots that added almost a foot to their height. They were also uniformly roughneck scoundrels. Even here in Minius, the most rugged ratnest of rascals they’d happened on yet, this bar stood out as degenerate and dangerous. Even the wall art advertised the general orientation of the place. Lots of bars have paintings of naked women, but usually not being sliced bloody with knives.
Change the last sentence slightly to keep the logic:
... Even the wall art advertised the general orientation of the place. Lots of bars [they visited had] paintings of naked women, but usually not being sliced bloody with knives.
Ben and Monke held firearms cocked in their laps, ugly revolvers with huge cylinders and bamboo handles. The other partiers at their table were sleek black local drug fiends, laughing with pointed yellow teeth as they tossed off odd liquors and smoked from stubby blue pipes like clay kazoos.
Move this paragraph up so it becomes the first one - it fixes most of what Llob says, and answer's the question, 'Who is They?' in the current first para.
Nabo stood squarely behind them, making no secret of what he held under the bright blue brocade ceremonial robe.
We don't know which 'them' this refers to as the last people you mentioned are 'the other partiers'. Maybe say 'Nabo stood squarely behind Monke,'
...Meanwhile the tattooed fiend was examining the low stone bowl of golden herb. He sniffed at it, examined some on his finger. He spoke laconically to Ben in the lilting local jive.
If he spoke, what did he say?
“No way,” Ben told him. “Totally organic. Look at this.”
...
“See. It’s all herbs and spices, Tats.”
You need to introduce who 'Tats' is before this. If this is supposed to be the tattooed man, it doesn't link well enough to make that connection (I originally thought this referred to TatMan mentioned later -another character, but I think both references are to the tattooed man now - and neither work for me).
The leaf was sniffed, stroked, nibbled, and tugged at by the tattooed fiend and his circle of attendant fiends. Ben took out another whole leaf and ground it between his palms. He dusted the crushed herb into the bowl of a huge Max Ernst hookah in the middle of the table, motioned the Tattooed Man to the ivory mouthpiece beside him, and leaned over to light the weed up.
The marijuana leaves need some extra thought. I can't see Ben keeping two leaves intact in his coat when he can easily grind them into dust between his palms. Also, having only three buttloads makes this sound like a very minor-league transaction going down (I have no concept of how much a buttload is, but it doesn't sound like much).
The smoking tube passed from mouth to mouth with mellowing results and smiling nods. Nothing too crazy. Good for mellowing out or having some nice, violent sex. The lead fiend looked at the leaf again, stroked it, scrutinized the contents of the bowl. He jabbered again, cat cries in the night.
The mellowing out and violent sex does seem to be a contradiction. If you mention the sex as a directional thing for the later conversation about the quills, then maybe it needs to be along the lines of 'Good for mellowing out or participating in some relaxing, [deep throated/pompoir] sex.'
“Michoacan”, Ben said, drawing a blank.
Also, this bit is confusing, as there is no reference to grasp what or who 'Michoacan' is; and why would Ben draw a blank - is it because of the drugs?
The tattoos clumped together as the local tried to place the name. He spoke again.
Where did the tattoos come from? And Tat hasn't spoken at all yet, so he can't speak again.
The conversation needs some work. It is either all one sided, with only Ben talking, or it may be hinting that Ben is receiving his answers telepathically - but if he is, his replies do not include enough information to keep the conversation understandable.
“Hell, no,” Ben replied indignantly. “We’re from the Distrito Federal.”
Finally hearing words he understood, Nabo chimed in, “Damn straight. Red-boned chilangos, that's us.”
Nabo may understand this, but I don't. You need to expand on the meanings of mexican terminology - if that's what it is.
...
“Oh, no. Not that **** again,” Nabo groaned.
“We know where we can double up on it,” Monke told Ben. “Take it.”
“You test the sample,” Nabo snarled. “I’m not touching that psycho cagada.”
Why is Nabo speaking here, when the conversation was between Monke and Ben?
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