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LloB1 · 22nd July 2007, 03:15 PM

Hi lin Robinson Ive read parts of the extract you have posted. I believe you do create a sense of tension with your characters and an air of suspense and anticipation of what is going to happen. However i also believe your extract is riddled with gramatical errors. For example in your first paragraph.

Even here in Minius, the most rugged ratnest of rascals they’d happened on yet, this bar stood out as degenerate and dangerous.

This sentence is a bit hard to follow and has coma's in the wrong place. Who are you refering to when you say 'They'd happened on'

You also seem to add quite a few throw away comments that seem to come from you and not mesh with the story, here are two of them:

Paragrapgh 1: Lots of bars have paintings of naked women, but usually not being sliced bloody with knives

Paragraph 7: Good for mellowing out or having some nice, violent sex.

Again in the third paragraph this sentence is hard to follow, especially the ending of the sentence.

His counterpart stood opposite, also advertising being armed, vigilant, and a hair from going off.

Im not sure if your writing in the 'voice of god' style but when i read this third paragraph I thought I was in Nabo's POV but then you tell us the counterpart thought something over. You could have shown us in an expression on the chracters face or something

The counterpart blinked, thought it over, then returned a merry smile, marred only slightly by his collection of welts and scars.

When the tatooed fiend examines the drugs I dont get the impression from your words that he is disputing the organicness of the compound. I would add more expression in the characters face or something. Did he look grumpy or unamused or stare at Ben totally unconvinced by what he saw.

In this small section there are also so many characters coming through but they dont seem to speak an I find myself trying to connect the dots of how they really fit. If this makes sence.

Because i am only seeing a small excerpt in isolation I maybe wrong about the confusing characters.

Keep up the story though regardless of the criticism you may get.

22nd July 2007, 03:15 PM	#2 (permalink)
LloB1 Registered User Join Date: Jan 2007 Posts: 19	Re: From SKY SEEDS Hi lin Robinson Ive read parts of the extract you have posted. I believe you do create a sense of tension with your characters and an air of suspense and anticipation of what is going to happen. However i also believe your extract is riddled with gramatical errors. For example in your first paragraph. Even here in Minius, the most rugged ratnest of rascals they’d happened on yet, this bar stood out as degenerate and dangerous. This sentence is a bit hard to follow and has coma's in the wrong place. Who are you refering to when you say 'They'd happened on' You also seem to add quite a few throw away comments that seem to come from you and not mesh with the story, here are two of them: Paragrapgh 1: Lots of bars have paintings of naked women, but usually not being sliced bloody with knives Paragraph 7: Good for mellowing out or having some nice, violent sex. Again in the third paragraph this sentence is hard to follow, especially the ending of the sentence. His counterpart stood opposite, also advertising being armed, vigilant, and a hair from going off. Im not sure if your writing in the 'voice of god' style but when i read this third paragraph I thought I was in Nabo's POV but then you tell us the counterpart thought something over. You could have shown us in an expression on the chracters face or something The counterpart blinked, thought it over, then returned a merry smile, marred only slightly by his collection of welts and scars. When the tatooed fiend examines the drugs I dont get the impression from your words that he is disputing the organicness of the compound. I would add more expression in the characters face or something. Did he look grumpy or unamused or stare at Ben totally unconvinced by what he saw. In this small section there are also so many characters coming through but they dont seem to speak an I find myself trying to connect the dots of how they really fit. If this makes sence. Because i am only seeing a small excerpt in isolation I maybe wrong about the confusing characters. Keep up the story though regardless of the criticism you may get.