am i losing my touch?

[8017949444]

i took a brief haitus from writing this novel, and now that im back i cant seem to be as descriptive or intriguing as i was.

im writing "darker middle part" of the book, when jonas and lucille leave their ship find themselves in a hot and dangerous land. the really strange part is, ive been to this place. i patterned it after the "valley of the goblins" in southern utah, united states. its one of the most interesting (yet completely wasteland) places on earth.

Jonas stepped on land for the first time since he had left it. The gritty sand felt hot under his hands and feet, and the ground seemed to sway slightly at first. He turned around to glimpse his ship retreating into the distance. For the first time, Jonas truly left home. Standing on the motionless beach made Jonas realize that his home was really leaving him.
He helped Lucille to her feet. They two stood in awe of the wasted scene in front of them. Nothing could be seen but the same grayish-red dirt. The gently-sloping shore quickly rose into a troubled mountain, full of pits and boulders. Everything seemed to be made out of the same red slick-rock, interrupted only by a few growths of dry sagebrush in the deep cracks. Among the strange formations at the top of the cliff stood stone sentinels looking down at them. Even in the hot sun, Jonas felt a chill when he saw them. The stones felt alive.

this isnt as much a critique as a concern...does this writing do what its suposed to?

more importantly, shouldent it be easier to write about people and placed you know intimately? or does that just make it harder to satisfy yourself?

thanks

[cornelius]

a though one there. I like it, though some sentences need a tad of work ( Maybe it's just me. I am sorry to say this, but I am not a professional.)

I get the picture thoug, it's nice. I would rate it an 7,5
I hope others will be better at rating this than me, I somehow know this answer won't help you .

[the_faery_queen]

i thihk (this isn't a critique, sorry) that you should just carry on, work on the rest of it, and come back to the problem bits later and flesh them out. i find myself rushing my novel at the moment, to get to other bits, which means that it isn't being written the way i want. but i think when i have finished and have no where else to rush to, i can go back over it and build it up and rewrite it.

[hedgeknight]

Howdy 801...

You sound a little confused with your writing - stumped maybe? And the exerpt under the pics is a little confusing. For example, you say, "Jonas stepped on land..." and then in the next sentence you say, "The gritty sand felt hot under his hands and feet, and the ground seemed to sway slightly at first." So is he touching it with his hands? If so, he isn't standing - see where the reader might be confused?
Then you mention "motionless beach" - which automatically puts in mind water and shore and perhaps shells and breakers (especially for those of us who live at the beach! ) - but yet, are they really near a beach? or do you mean to say that the terrain is like dunes one might find near a beach?

And then the last line - "The stones felt alive." is confusing too. Because in the previous sentence you say, "...Jonas felt a chill when he saw them." (emphasis mine) So, as the reader, I'm wondering did Jonas see them or feel them?
You see where the reader might get confused?

faery queen gave you some good advice - write it all out (or at least to a good stopping point) and then go back and critique and rewrite and edit and rewrite some more and then.....well, you get the picture.

Keep up the good work.
-g-

[hoefty]

Originally Posted by 8017949444

i took a brief haitus from writing this novel, and now that im back i cant seem to be as descriptive or intriguing as i was.

im writing "darker middle part" of the book, when jonas and lucille leave their ship find themselves in a hot and dangerous land. the really strange part is, ive been to this place. i patterned it after the "valley of the goblins" in southern utah, united states. its one of the most interesting (yet completely wasteland) places on earth.






this isnt as much a critique as a concern...does this writing do what its suposed to?

more importantly, shouldent it be easier to write about people and placed you know intimately? or does that just make it harder to satisfy yourself?

thanks

needs work, leaving home - home leaving seems a tad bit unnecessary keep it up though and the visual guides help emerse you in the story

[littlemissattitude]

I think that sometimes it just makes it harder to satisfy yourself.

Think about it. It's a place (or a person) you know. But you can't quite get the place (or person) down on paper just exactly like you have experienced it (or them) and have it (or them) enshrined in your memory. Because you can't capture them exactly as you know them, you are sure that your readers will know that you haven't "gotten them right".

But, it is likely that readers will not know that place (or person), and won't know the difference. I'd say to relax, get as close as you can and as close as serves the story, and then don't worry about it.

Hope that helps.

[8017949444]

thanks for the help guys. especially the line-by-line by hedge, that helped me out a lot. i dont know whats up, but it seems im writing in a cloud. nothing in my paragraphs have particular order or description anymore. before i just wrote fluently, now it seems like i have to translate my thoughts into coherent writing. its definatly hard. i may just take a break and get back to reading some of my favorite books.