The Guardians: Chapter 1 (Revised) - Science Fiction Fantasy Chronicles: forums

WizardofOwls · 24th December 2005, 04:16 PM

Opinions, please! Revised versions of Chapters 2 and 3 will follow.

The Guardians: A New Beginning
The Return of the Quick
CHAPTER 1

The key turned easily in the lock as Erin O'Donnell closed up for the night. It had been a busy night. Friday nights usually were, but this one had been especially so. Words and Music was a British-style pub located in Withers Market, an open air mall in the heart of downtown Wytheville. Live performances of Celtic and Bluegrass music were the heart of the pub's business, especially on Friday nights, and this had been one of the busiest ever. The performance by Thom Blackman, her friend and mentor, had started at 8:00 that evening, and had not ended until almost 1:00 am. It had definitely been a long night, but it had been well worth it. She had made almost $300 in tips alone. The extra money would come in handy indeed, she thought.

She had decided to walk home tonight, instead of calling a cab as usual. Despite being mid-autumn, it was relatively warm and, after breathing cigarette smoke all afternoon, she felt that she could use some fresh air. She checked her pocket to make sure the canister of pepper spray she had recently purchased was still there and checked for the silver whistle she kept on a leather thong around her neck. Both were in their places.

The late-night walk would be really nice, especially since she intended to take a shortcut through Elizabeth Brown Park. The park was a heavily wooded area in the heart of the small city. A half-sized version of Cental Park in New York City, the park had a stream running through it, with an ornate wooden footbridge that crossed over it. Lovers often had their pictures taken while standing on that bridge, and more than one wedding had occurred there as well.

The park was beautiful, even this late at night. The smell of fallen leaves filled the air as a gentle breeze stirred them around her feet. Her thoughts were a million miles away though. She was thinking about her mentor, Thom Blackman, and how much he had done for her. She had moved to Virginia from her native Ireland at the age of nineteen and had been living with her mentor ever since. He provided her with free room and board as well as giving her lessons on the tin whistle. Since he was a world-renowned performer on that instrument, she had considered herself lucky to be able to receive personal instruction from him free of charge, and had jumped at the chance to come to America to learn at his feet. She was also a student at Wytheville University, having won a scholarship in Music Studies there.

Had it not been for the huge age difference between them, (Erin was only 21, while Thom was in his late 60s), Erin felt that she could have easily fallen for this man, but alas such was not to be. As it was, Erin still had strong feelings for him, but more as a father-figure rather than as a love interest.

Thom's house was just on the other side of the park on Church Street. He had left shortly after finishing his performance, and had offered Erin a ride home. She, however, enjoyed these late night walks in the park, and so had turned him down. It was now almost 2:00 a.m., and she knew it wouldn't take long to get home.

Her feet made hollow echoes as she crossed the wooden bridge. She kicked playfully at the piles of leaves as she passed. There were lots of Victorian-style lamp-posts scattered throughout the park, the light from which provided her with a sense of security as she made her way along. There were patches of darkness between the lamps, however.

It was while she was in one of these patches of darkness that she first heard the sound. She wasn't sure at first if she had really heard it at all, or if it had just been her overactive imagination playing tricks on her. She stopped and pretended as though she needed to catch her breath, carefully listening for any trace of sound.

There. There it was again. The wind had stopped blowing only moments before, so she knew she couldn’t blame it on anything natural. Someone - or something - was following her. She thought about running to the next lamp-post, but was afraid it would just startle her pursuer into more hasty action, so she started to walk along again at her previous, unhurried pace.

There it was again, and it was much closer. This time, fear overcame her, and she began to run. Her heart felt like it was about to beat out of her chest. Only a few more yards and she would be within one of the patches of light where she might have a chance of getting a good look at her pursuer. She tried to look over her shoulder as she ran to see what was behind her, and what she saw made here blood run cold. Two eye-shaped patches of red light were not far behind.

She didn't know what was following her, but whatever it was, it most definitely wasn't human.

She increased her pace, and was very relieved when she finally took her first steps into the circle of light provided by the lamp-post. Immediately she whirled about, pepper spray out and ready, hoping to get a good look at whatever it was that had been pursuing her.

But the darkness was silent.

She tried to hold her breath, straining to see if she could hear anything, but all she heard was the sound of her own heartbeat, like a bass drum, booming as it pumped blood and adrenaline through her veins.

Seconds that seemed like hours crawled by. She pushed her eyes to their limits, desperately seeking any sign of movement in the darkness, but the light from the lamp above had stolen her night sight. She couldn't see a thing. Her fingers were coiled so tightly around the can of pepper spray that her knuckles were turning white from the strain.

Suddenly she caught movement out of the corner of her eye to her left. She darted her glance in that direction and was stunned by what she saw.

It was just outside the circle of light. It stood on its hind legs like a human, and indeed it seemed to be shaped like a human child, but no human child had ever looked like this. It appeared to be made entirely out of darkness. The tresses of its long coal black hair coiled and moved about it as though they were alive. There was no color whatsoever to the creature, other than its eyes which seemed to glow from within with a hellish red fire. Its face had absolutely no features other than those eyes.

Eyes that were staring unwaveringly at her.

That was when she noticed that the creature was not alone. There was another set of eyes just behind and to the left of the creature. And then the two were three. Then four.

She had no idea where they were coming from. They just seemed to appear out of nothingness, as though born from the darkness itself. Soon there were ten of them. All were completely still, except for their hair, and all were as silent as the grave.

A sharp sound off to her right made her jump. She quickly turned to see what had made the sound.

MainComputer · 29th December 2005, 11:09 AM

Excellent. Polished, well written and easily read. A good improvement in readability. The content however needed no improvement, and this remains a tops beginning to the story.

Kewl.

Only thing that got me this time was this line: "She increased her pace, and was very relieved when she finally took her first steps into the circle of light provided by the lamp-post."

Its length seemed to slow the pace you were building at the time. However, this it purely personal and probably overly picky.

Like it.

WizardofOwls · 30th December 2005, 07:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WizardofOwls

The park was beautiful, even this late at night. The smell of fallen leaves filled the air as a gentle breeze stirred them around her feet. Her thoughts were a million miles away though. She was thinking about her mentor, Thom Blackman, and how much he had done for her. She had moved to Virginia from her native Ireland at the age of nineteen and had been living with her mentor ever since. He provided her with free room and board as well as giving her lessons on the tin whistle. Since he was a world-renowned performer on that instrument, she had considered herself lucky to be able to receive personal instruction from him free of charge, and had jumped at the chance to come to America to learn at his feet. She was also a student at Wytheville University, having won a scholarship in Music Studies there.

The last line in this paragraph has always bothered me. It just seems to be takced on to the paragraph without any relation to the rest. How would this sound?

"Winning a scholarship to study music at Wytheville University had merely been the icing on the cake." or perhaps "...had only sweetened the pot."

Too cliche? Which sounds better? Alternate suggestions?

MainComputer · 30th December 2005, 08:01 PM

You're right, it does feel a little like an afterthought.

You're suggested changes are along the right lines, but possibly a little corny?

Maybe try sticking it right in the middle?

"The park was beautiful, even this late at night. The smell of fallen leaves filled the air as a gentle breeze stirred them around her feet. Her thoughts were a million miles away though. She was thinking about her mentor, Thom Blackman, and how much he had done for her. She had moved to Virginia from her native Ireland at the age of nineteen and had been living with her mentor ever since. As student at Wytheville University, having won a scholarship in Music Studies there, the university supplied her classical education, and Blackman provided her with free room and board as well as giving her lessons on the tin whistle. Since he was a world-renowned performer on that instrument, she had considered herself lucky to be able to receive personal instruction from him free of charge, and had jumped at the chance to come to America to learn at his feet."

Far from perfect, but a distinct poss?

Looking forward to reading part four, right after the NY. Hope you have a good one!

If you could find the time to read my 'Kaput...' posts, well, I'd be very grateful!

WizardofOwls · 5th January 2006, 03:02 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MainComputer

As student at Wytheville University, having won a scholarship in Music Studies there, the university supplied her classical education, and Blackman provided her with free room and board as well as giving her lessons on the tin whistle.

Hey! I like this! I hope you don't mind if I steal it!

Actually, while trying to write new chapters I am still revising the other chapters too.

Made the following changes to some paragraphs:

In the first paragraph, I changed
Words and Music was a British-style pub located in Withers Market, an open air mall in the heart of downtown Wytheville.

To:
Words and Music was a British-style pub located in Withers Market, an open air mall in downtown Wytheville, a small city in the heart of southwestern Virginia.

I added the following to the end of paragraph 2:
Many of her friends and co-workers had told her that she was crazy, taking terrible risks by walking in the park at night – even Thom had expressed concern – but she had merely brushed such comments away. She had walked home many times before and had never had a single problem.

As noted I above, I kept MainComputer's suggestion for paragraph 4 - with a very slight alteration:
As a student at Wytheville University, having won a scholarship in Music Studies there, the University supplied her with a classical education, while Thom provided her with free room and board as well as giving her lessons on the tin whistle.

I'm still trying to figure out how to incorporate Paradox99's suggestion of making Erin's initial encounter with the creatures in the park a little more creepy. When I figure out how I want to do it, I'll post it here.

Take care and God bless!

dwndrgn · 5th January 2006, 03:17 AM

Very nice story! The only catch to it for me was her stopping and 'pretending to catch her breath'. Since she is walking along sedately up until then, I can't imagine her needing to stop and catch her breath. Maybe it's cliche but could she stop to tie her shoe or something?

I really liked it though. Definitely a good beginning - you've got a catch, an interesting character...a good story that I'd definitely continue to read.

WizardofOwls · 5th January 2006, 03:21 AM

WOW! You're absoltutely right! Duh! (Wizard slaps his forehead) Good catch. I'll fix it right away. Thanks for your help!

Glad You're enjoying it! Hope you like the rest of it!

Shyknight · 7th January 2006, 06:48 PM

OK coming into this story late...hope you dont mind some opinions at this point

Well done so far--character seems interesting already, setting is new and a good choice since you know it so well, and good hook at the end.

The rhythm to me seems a little off, especially at the beginning. Not sure why, and maybe I am nitpicking, but seems like you are a little repititious with the wording. The word "night" was used a total of 5 times in just the first paragraph. Maybe I am the only one who noticed, in which case who cares? lol
You also stated that Thom Blackman was Erin's mentor twice within a short period of time. Also possibly repititious?
Not sure how to make the encounter with the creatures more creepy...but perhaps more mysterious might help...you immediatly say that they are not human when she sees the red eyes...perhaps make her wonder at first? Most people would try to rationalize first before coming to that conclusion...
Anyways, these are just a few things that struck me when I first read this. This is also my first critiquing here, so if you dont take anything I have said seriously I wont be offended lol...Looking forward to what happens next

WizardofOwls · 7th January 2006, 09:46 PM

Thanks for the critique, shyknight! Keep reading! I have 4 more chapters posted here!

Tred_Stone · 9th January 2006, 05:20 AM

Ok you did mine so I said I would do yours,, so here goes and don't take anything I write to heart, Im just a guy.

The end of the first paragraph I would leave off 'she thought' it doesnt really need to be there, read it without it and see for yourself.

after breathing cigarette smoke all afternoon --instead, after breathing (in) cigarette....

She checked her pocket to make sure the canister of pepper spray she had recently purchased was still there and checked for the silver whistle she kept on a leather thong around her neck. Both were in their places.

(I get gigged for this a lot, you have the word checked in this sentence twice,,, maybe- and felt for the silver whistle, instead

had occurred there as well. (remove -as well, its extra and you don't need it

Her thoughts were a million miles away though. (here is another I get all the time,, remove the though and re read it without it ,, it reads better

and so had turned him down (I would change this to- and turned him down, because you state the time and it keeps it in that time frame instead of the past.

Other than that I truly liked it and it makes me want to go to the next,, hope I didnt tear it apart to much.

Rosemary · 9th January 2006, 06:13 AM

The revisions you have done to Chapter One have tidied it up very neatly to my way of reading it.

Well done Wiz

WizardofOwls · 17th January 2006, 08:02 AM

Hello again!

I have a question for you. I have been doing some more revision work to chapter 1, this time trying to make the park scene a little more creepy. I was wondering if you guys would be interested in seeing it? And if so, what would be the best way to do it? I already have 2 threads dedicated to chapter 1: The Guardians: A New Beginning, and The Guardians: Chapter 1 (Revised), so I'm not really keen on the idea of cluttering up the forums with a third thread dedicated to the smae chapter. So should I just post it on this thread? Opinions?

24th December 2005, 04:16 PM	#1 (permalink)
WizardofOwls King of Typos Join Date: Dec 2005 Posts: 135	The Guardians: Chapter 1 (Revised) Opinions, please! Revised versions of Chapters 2 and 3 will follow. The Guardians: A New Beginning The Return of the Quick CHAPTER 1 The key turned easily in the lock as Erin O'Donnell closed up for the night. It had been a busy night. Friday nights usually were, but this one had been especially so. Words and Music was a British-style pub located in Withers Market, an open air mall in the heart of downtown Wytheville. Live performances of Celtic and Bluegrass music were the heart of the pub's business, especially on Friday nights, and this had been one of the busiest ever. The performance by Thom Blackman, her friend and mentor, had started at 8:00 that evening, and had not ended until almost 1:00 am. It had definitely been a long night, but it had been well worth it. She had made almost $300 in tips alone. The extra money would come in handy indeed, she thought. She had decided to walk home tonight, instead of calling a cab as usual. Despite being mid-autumn, it was relatively warm and, after breathing cigarette smoke all afternoon, she felt that she could use some fresh air. She checked her pocket to make sure the canister of pepper spray she had recently purchased was still there and checked for the silver whistle she kept on a leather thong around her neck. Both were in their places. The late-night walk would be really nice, especially since she intended to take a shortcut through Elizabeth Brown Park. The park was a heavily wooded area in the heart of the small city. A half-sized version of Cental Park in New York City, the park had a stream running through it, with an ornate wooden footbridge that crossed over it. Lovers often had their pictures taken while standing on that bridge, and more than one wedding had occurred there as well. The park was beautiful, even this late at night. The smell of fallen leaves filled the air as a gentle breeze stirred them around her feet. Her thoughts were a million miles away though. She was thinking about her mentor, Thom Blackman, and how much he had done for her. She had moved to Virginia from her native Ireland at the age of nineteen and had been living with her mentor ever since. He provided her with free room and board as well as giving her lessons on the tin whistle. Since he was a world-renowned performer on that instrument, she had considered herself lucky to be able to receive personal instruction from him free of charge, and had jumped at the chance to come to America to learn at his feet. She was also a student at Wytheville University, having won a scholarship in Music Studies there. Had it not been for the huge age difference between them, (Erin was only 21, while Thom was in his late 60s), Erin felt that she could have easily fallen for this man, but alas such was not to be. As it was, Erin still had strong feelings for him, but more as a father-figure rather than as a love interest. Thom's house was just on the other side of the park on Church Street. He had left shortly after finishing his performance, and had offered Erin a ride home. She, however, enjoyed these late night walks in the park, and so had turned him down. It was now almost 2:00 a.m., and she knew it wouldn't take long to get home. Her feet made hollow echoes as she crossed the wooden bridge. She kicked playfully at the piles of leaves as she passed. There were lots of Victorian-style lamp-posts scattered throughout the park, the light from which provided her with a sense of security as she made her way along. There were patches of darkness between the lamps, however. It was while she was in one of these patches of darkness that she first heard the sound. She wasn't sure at first if she had really heard it at all, or if it had just been her overactive imagination playing tricks on her. She stopped and pretended as though she needed to catch her breath, carefully listening for any trace of sound. There. There it was again. The wind had stopped blowing only moments before, so she knew she couldn’t blame it on anything natural. Someone - or something - was following her. She thought about running to the next lamp-post, but was afraid it would just startle her pursuer into more hasty action, so she started to walk along again at her previous, unhurried pace. There it was again, and it was much closer. This time, fear overcame her, and she began to run. Her heart felt like it was about to beat out of her chest. Only a few more yards and she would be within one of the patches of light where she might have a chance of getting a good look at her pursuer. She tried to look over her shoulder as she ran to see what was behind her, and what she saw made here blood run cold. Two eye-shaped patches of red light were not far behind. She didn't know what was following her, but whatever it was, it most definitely wasn't human. She increased her pace, and was very relieved when she finally took her first steps into the circle of light provided by the lamp-post. Immediately she whirled about, pepper spray out and ready, hoping to get a good look at whatever it was that had been pursuing her. But the darkness was silent. She tried to hold her breath, straining to see if she could hear anything, but all she heard was the sound of her own heartbeat, like a bass drum, booming as it pumped blood and adrenaline through her veins. Seconds that seemed like hours crawled by. She pushed her eyes to their limits, desperately seeking any sign of movement in the darkness, but the light from the lamp above had stolen her night sight. She couldn't see a thing. Her fingers were coiled so tightly around the can of pepper spray that her knuckles were turning white from the strain. Suddenly she caught movement out of the corner of her eye to her left. She darted her glance in that direction and was stunned by what she saw. It was just outside the circle of light. It stood on its hind legs like a human, and indeed it seemed to be shaped like a human child, but no human child had ever looked like this. It appeared to be made entirely out of darkness. The tresses of its long coal black hair coiled and moved about it as though they were alive. There was no color whatsoever to the creature, other than its eyes which seemed to glow from within with a hellish red fire. Its face had absolutely no features other than those eyes. Eyes that were staring unwaveringly at her. That was when she noticed that the creature was not alone. There was another set of eyes just behind and to the left of the creature. And then the two were three. Then four. She had no idea where they were coming from. They just seemed to appear out of nothingness, as though born from the darkness itself. Soon there were ten of them. All were completely still, except for their hair, and all were as silent as the grave. A sharp sound off to her right made her jump. She quickly turned to see what had made the sound.

29th December 2005, 11:09 AM	#2 (permalink)
MainComputer Registered Idiot Join Date: Nov 2005 Posts: 100	Re: The Guardians: Chapter 1 (Revised) Excellent. Polished, well written and easily read. A good improvement in readability. The content however needed no improvement, and this remains a tops beginning to the story. Kewl. Only thing that got me this time was this line: "She increased her pace, and was very relieved when she finally took her first steps into the circle of light provided by the lamp-post." Its length seemed to slow the pace you were building at the time. However, this it purely personal and probably overly picky. Like it.

30th December 2005, 08:01 PM	#4 (permalink)
MainComputer Registered Idiot Join Date: Nov 2005 Posts: 100	Re: The Guardians: Chapter 1 (Revised) You're right, it does feel a little like an afterthought. You're suggested changes are along the right lines, but possibly a little corny? Maybe try sticking it right in the middle? "The park was beautiful, even this late at night. The smell of fallen leaves filled the air as a gentle breeze stirred them around her feet. Her thoughts were a million miles away though. She was thinking about her mentor, Thom Blackman, and how much he had done for her. She had moved to Virginia from her native Ireland at the age of nineteen and had been living with her mentor ever since. As student at Wytheville University, having won a scholarship in Music Studies there, the university supplied her classical education, and Blackman provided her with free room and board as well as giving her lessons on the tin whistle. Since he was a world-renowned performer on that instrument, she had considered herself lucky to be able to receive personal instruction from him free of charge, and had jumped at the chance to come to America to learn at his feet." Far from perfect, but a distinct poss? Looking forward to reading part four, right after the NY. Hope you have a good one! If you could find the time to read my 'Kaput...' posts, well, I'd be very grateful!

5th January 2006, 03:17 AM	#6 (permalink)
dwndrgn Fierce Vowelless One Join Date: Apr 2003 Posts: 3,667	Re: The Guardians: Chapter 1 (Revised) Very nice story! The only catch to it for me was her stopping and 'pretending to catch her breath'. Since she is walking along sedately up until then, I can't imagine her needing to stop and catch her breath. Maybe it's cliche but could she stop to tie her shoe or something? I really liked it though. Definitely a good beginning - you've got a catch, an interesting character...a good story that I'd definitely continue to read.

5th January 2006, 03:21 AM	#7 (permalink)
WizardofOwls King of Typos Join Date: Dec 2005 Posts: 135	Re: The Guardians: Chapter 1 (Revised) WOW! You're absoltutely right! Duh! (Wizard slaps his forehead) Good catch. I'll fix it right away. Thanks for your help! Glad You're enjoying it! Hope you like the rest of it! Last edited by WizardofOwls; 5th January 2006 at 03:35 AM.

7th January 2006, 06:48 PM	#8 (permalink)
Shyknight Rock music and elves Join Date: Jan 2006 Posts: 21	Re: The Guardians: Chapter 1 (Revised) OK coming into this story late...hope you dont mind some opinions at this point Well done so far--character seems interesting already, setting is new and a good choice since you know it so well, and good hook at the end. The rhythm to me seems a little off, especially at the beginning. Not sure why, and maybe I am nitpicking, but seems like you are a little repititious with the wording. The word "night" was used a total of 5 times in just the first paragraph. Maybe I am the only one who noticed, in which case who cares? lol You also stated that Thom Blackman was Erin's mentor twice within a short period of time. Also possibly repititious? Not sure how to make the encounter with the creatures more creepy...but perhaps more mysterious might help...you immediatly say that they are not human when she sees the red eyes...perhaps make her wonder at first? Most people would try to rationalize first before coming to that conclusion... Anyways, these are just a few things that struck me when I first read this. This is also my first critiquing here, so if you dont take anything I have said seriously I wont be offended lol...Looking forward to what happens next

7th January 2006, 09:46 PM	#9 (permalink)
WizardofOwls King of Typos Join Date: Dec 2005 Posts: 135	Re: The Guardians: Chapter 1 (Revised) Thanks for the critique, shyknight! Keep reading! I have 4 more chapters posted here!

9th January 2006, 05:20 AM	#10 (permalink)
Tred_Stone Registered User Join Date: Jan 2006 Posts: 35	Re: The Guardians: Chapter 1 (Revised) Ok you did mine so I said I would do yours,, so here goes and don't take anything I write to heart, Im just a guy. The end of the first paragraph I would leave off 'she thought' it doesnt really need to be there, read it without it and see for yourself. after breathing cigarette smoke all afternoon --instead, after breathing (in) cigarette.... She checked her pocket to make sure the canister of pepper spray she had recently purchased was still there and checked for the silver whistle she kept on a leather thong around her neck. Both were in their places. (I get gigged for this a lot, you have the word checked in this sentence twice,,, maybe- and felt for the silver whistle, instead had occurred there as well. (remove -as well, its extra and you don't need it Her thoughts were a million miles away though. (here is another I get all the time,, remove the though and re read it without it ,, it reads better and so had turned him down (I would change this to- and turned him down, because you state the time and it keeps it in that time frame instead of the past. Other than that I truly liked it and it makes me want to go to the next,, hope I didnt tear it apart to much.

9th January 2006, 06:13 AM	#11 (permalink)
Rosemary The Wicked Sword Maiden Join Date: Jun 2005 Posts: 3,111 Blog Entries: 11	Re: The Guardians: Chapter 1 (Revised) The revisions you have done to Chapter One have tidied it up very neatly to my way of reading it. Well done Wiz

17th January 2006, 08:02 AM	#12 (permalink)
WizardofOwls King of Typos Join Date: Dec 2005 Posts: 135	Re: The Guardians: Chapter 1 (Revised) Hello again! I have a question for you. I have been doing some more revision work to chapter 1, this time trying to make the park scene a little more creepy. I was wondering if you guys would be interested in seeing it? And if so, what would be the best way to do it? I already have 2 threads dedicated to chapter 1: The Guardians: A New Beginning, and The Guardians: Chapter 1 (Revised), so I'm not really keen on the idea of cluttering up the forums with a third thread dedicated to the smae chapter. So should I just post it on this thread? Opinions?

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