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Twelve · 23rd October 2003, 11:32 AM

Alright, check this out. I'm writing a children's comic with characters that are 9-11 years old. The company I work for has now made two comments about my non-child-like dialogue. I'm TRYING to write like a child but...apparently I'm not doing a good enough job.

I need help.

Any tips on how to write like a child??

12

I, Brian · 23rd October 2003, 01:09 PM

Are they talking about the semantics or the grammar of the dialogue - ie, what they are talking about, rather than how they are talkiig about it?

I don't know if Orson Scott's Card "Ender's Game" is of any help here in terms of reference...

You could always post a good selection of dialogue - maybe we could help forward ideas and suggestions. If so, please do give a brief character profile for the people involved.

I'll personally be happy to try and help.

dwndrgn · 23rd October 2003, 03:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Twelve

Any tips on how to write like a child??

12

Try using your off hand. Just kidding. Actually have you read a few young adult stories? That may help, especially any that were really successful - if they worked then the dialogue must have been ok.

Marianne · 23rd October 2003, 05:46 PM

Go to your local grade school and ask a teacher at that grade level...6th grade or so if you can come observe her class room. Tell her about your project. If you spend enough time with a lot of kids that age you will have your answer.

littlemissattitude · 23rd October 2003, 06:03 PM

What Marianne said. See if you can observe kids in an environment where they don't know or can forget that they are being observed. That way, they will act and talk like kids, rather than like kids being observed by an adult. There really is a difference, I've found. A classroom would be a good place, if you can make arrangements. Also, if you have friends with children, go visit them while the kids are around.

Also, think about how you spoke and acted when you were that age. What did you talk about to your friends when there were no adults around? How did you express yourself?

Twelve · 24th October 2003, 09:27 AM

This task is the hardest I've ever had as a writer...and I thought that this job would be easy money. Boy, was I wrong.

To be honest, I'm not exactly sure where my boss wants me to improve the dialogue. But I have to have two scripts written next month and I want to do them right. I feel as if the job is hinging on how well I write the next couple of scripts.

I would love to go out and visit schools, hang out with kids...but no child in this country speaks English at that age. All the children around here(and I see many children) speak German or French. I suppose another difficulty with writing an English comic is that I live in a place where English is not the mother-tongue.

And heck, I have no idea how I spoke at that age. As a matter of fact, when I do hear kids speak at that age, I'm quite often in awe, because I don't remember sounding anywhere as intelligent as kids do nowadays!!!

Anyhow, here is a bit of actual script. I can see already how I might be able to dumb this down...but how DUMB should I make this sound???

The characters in the below script-piece are a little girl named Sarah, and her best friend Edward. They are both between 9-11 years old.

Panel 18
Edward: Well, you still look scared.

Sarah: Edward! Stop it! I'm not scared!
Panel 19

Edward: O.K.!

Sarah: Watch! I'll do fine!

Panel 20

Teacher: Here's your test Sarah. Are you ok? You're shaking.

Sarah: I'm just...I'm just a little cold right now!

Panel 21

Teacher: Cold? It's a very warm spring day! Are you feeling sick?

Sarah: No, I feel good!

Panel 22

Teacher: I hope you don't feel nervous about this test today.

Sarah: Hey, I studied hard for this test!

Panel 23

Sarah: See? It's all over, no problem.

Edward: But you looked funny while you were taking the test. Haha!
Panel 24

Sarah: What do you mean I looked funny!

Edward:You were shaking and your teeth were like this, and your eyes were all big.
Panel 25

Sarah: Stop making things up!

Edward: I'm not! I really think you were nervous!
Panel 26.

Sarah: I wasn't nervous.

Edward: Well, we're going to get our grades tomorrow.

I, Brian · 24th October 2003, 10:27 AM

My initial thought is that the dialogue itself is mostly fine in terms of age, excepting for some potential for improved punctuation, especially early on – cut out some of those exclamation marks and replace them with commas.

I am wondering what is going on, though – that is the actual purpose of these panels? More succinctly, I'm wondering if you're dragging out an event that could be shortened, to help emphasise other areas of the story (I'm not sure on anything else excepting what you've told us, so it's hard to get an idea of what your requirements and focus are for this project). I wonder if that's what the core problem is – not telling the story succinctly enough.

In other words, you could perhaps cut down on the dialogue to push the story telling more concisely, without damaging the actual meaning of events. You repeat the same emphasis – that she's nervous taking the test – perhaps you could cut down a little.

*If* the test itself is incidental to the story, then on the information given so far I'd recommend reducing it from 9 panels to maybe 5.

So, with the dialogue and movement through the panels made more concise, my thinking at this stage is something like:

Panel 18

Teacher: Here's your test Sarah. Are you ok?

Sarah: I'm fine. I'll do fine.

Panel 19:

Sarah: See? It's all over, no problem.

Edward: But you looked funny while you were taking the test. Ha ha!

Panel 20:

Sarah: What do you mean I looked funny!

Edward:You were shaking and your teeth were like this, and your eyes were all big.

Panel 21:

Sarah: Stop making things up!

Edward: I'm not! I

Panel 22.

Sarah: I wasn't nervous.

Edward: Well, we're going to get our grades tomorrow.

The reasoning there is that the dialogue is no longer distracting away from events (like the teacher figure may have), and you don’t have to repeat the same themes through the dialogue (ie, nervous and scared at beginning and end – I'm sure the artist can add those points visually).

Of course, I'm not working on much information here, but I hope that helps.

Twelve · 25th October 2003, 08:57 AM

Yes...I see your points, and I will take them VERY seriously. Well, this children's comic has much to do with learning lessons, and my boss doesn't want it to be an adventure comic. So I suppose I do spend much time with points that I would normally shorten to get on with the action. The point of this comic is to show how a kid should not be nervous, fearful, or frightened if they are prepared. Sarah learns this eventually as the story goes on.

Hey, I really appreciate the help...I will remember what was written in this thread!

12

Incognito · 7th November 2003, 01:30 PM

Hi Twelve - how did it all go in the end?

Twelve · 8th November 2003, 07:56 AM

Well, everyone of my scripts have been accepted so far. I have to write two this month and I'm going to get on it next week.

I haven't been fired yet...haha. Trust me, I'll report any difficulties that happen in this thread.

Thanx for asking.

12

jerchar · 10th November 2003, 02:50 PM

Hi 12,
Why don't you drop by Berlitz School in Basel, I know that they teach some kids of international backgroung english and german. It's worth a try. Good luck.

Twelve · 11th November 2003, 07:28 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jerchar

Hi 12,
Why don't you drop by Berlitz School in Basel, I know that they teach some kids of international backgroung english and german. It's worth a try. Good luck.

Yes, I've been there before. I went there for a visit in an attempt to get a job there.

They were very nice to me.

12

Incognito · 13th November 2003, 11:32 AM

Sounds like everything's going fine, then. Glad to hear that.

23rd October 2003, 11:32 AM	#1 (permalink)
Twelve Spirit of Zebulun Join Date: Aug 2003 Posts: 187	Help Alright, check this out. I'm writing a children's comic with characters that are 9-11 years old. The company I work for has now made two comments about my non-child-like dialogue. I'm TRYING to write like a child but...apparently I'm not doing a good enough job. I need help. Any tips on how to write like a child?? 12

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23rd October 2003, 01:09 PM	#2 (permalink)
I, Brian Admin and Tea-boy Join Date: Sep 2003 Location: UK: SCOTLAND: Posts: 5,370	Are they talking about the semantics or the grammar of the dialogue - ie, what they are talking about, rather than how they are talkiig about it? I don't know if Orson Scott's Card "Ender's Game" is of any help here in terms of reference... You could always post a good selection of dialogue - maybe we could help forward ideas and suggestions. If so, please do give a brief character profile for the people involved. I'll personally be happy to try and help.

23rd October 2003, 05:46 PM	#4 (permalink)
Marianne Nanny Join Date: Sep 2003 Posts: 150	Go to your local grade school and ask a teacher at that grade level...6th grade or so if you can come observe her class room. Tell her about your project. If you spend enough time with a lot of kids that age you will have your answer.

23rd October 2003, 06:03 PM	#5 (permalink)
littlemissattitude Super Moderator Join Date: Jun 2003 Location: California Posts: 3,368	What Marianne said. See if you can observe kids in an environment where they don't know or can forget that they are being observed. That way, they will act and talk like kids, rather than like kids being observed by an adult. There really is a difference, I've found. A classroom would be a good place, if you can make arrangements. Also, if you have friends with children, go visit them while the kids are around. Also, think about how you spoke and acted when you were that age. What did you talk about to your friends when there were no adults around? How did you express yourself?

24th October 2003, 09:27 AM	#6 (permalink)
Twelve Spirit of Zebulun Join Date: Aug 2003 Posts: 187	This task is the hardest I've ever had as a writer...and I thought that this job would be easy money. Boy, was I wrong. To be honest, I'm not exactly sure where my boss wants me to improve the dialogue. But I have to have two scripts written next month and I want to do them right. I feel as if the job is hinging on how well I write the next couple of scripts. I would love to go out and visit schools, hang out with kids...but no child in this country speaks English at that age. All the children around here(and I see many children) speak German or French. I suppose another difficulty with writing an English comic is that I live in a place where English is not the mother-tongue. And heck, I have no idea how I spoke at that age. As a matter of fact, when I do hear kids speak at that age, I'm quite often in awe, because I don't remember sounding anywhere as intelligent as kids do nowadays!!! Anyhow, here is a bit of actual script. I can see already how I might be able to dumb this down...but how DUMB should I make this sound??? The characters in the below script-piece are a little girl named Sarah, and her best friend Edward. They are both between 9-11 years old. Panel 18 Edward: Well, you still look scared. Sarah: Edward! Stop it! I'm not scared! Panel 19 Edward: O.K.! Sarah: Watch! I'll do fine! Panel 20 Teacher: Here's your test Sarah. Are you ok? You're shaking. Sarah: I'm just...I'm just a little cold right now! Panel 21 Teacher: Cold? It's a very warm spring day! Are you feeling sick? Sarah: No, I feel good! Panel 22 Teacher: I hope you don't feel nervous about this test today. Sarah: Hey, I studied hard for this test! Panel 23 Sarah: See? It's all over, no problem. Edward: But you looked funny while you were taking the test. Haha! Panel 24 Sarah: What do you mean I looked funny! Edward:You were shaking and your teeth were like this, and your eyes were all big. Panel 25 Sarah: Stop making things up! Edward: I'm not! I really think you were nervous! Panel 26. Sarah: I wasn't nervous. Edward: Well, we're going to get our grades tomorrow.

24th October 2003, 10:27 AM	#7 (permalink)
I, Brian Admin and Tea-boy Join Date: Sep 2003 Location: UK: SCOTLAND: Posts: 5,370	My initial thought is that the dialogue itself is mostly fine in terms of age, excepting for some potential for improved punctuation, especially early on – cut out some of those exclamation marks and replace them with commas. I am wondering what is going on, though – that is the actual purpose of these panels? More succinctly, I'm wondering if you're dragging out an event that could be shortened, to help emphasise other areas of the story (I'm not sure on anything else excepting what you've told us, so it's hard to get an idea of what your requirements and focus are for this project). I wonder if that's what the core problem is – not telling the story succinctly enough. In other words, you could perhaps cut down on the dialogue to push the story telling more concisely, without damaging the actual meaning of events. You repeat the same emphasis – that she's nervous taking the test – perhaps you could cut down a little. If the test itself is incidental to the story, then on the information given so far I'd recommend reducing it from 9 panels to maybe 5. So, with the dialogue and movement through the panels made more concise, my thinking at this stage is something like: Panel 18 Teacher: Here's your test Sarah. Are you ok? Sarah: I'm fine. I'll do fine. Panel 19: Sarah: See? It's all over, no problem. Edward: But you looked funny while you were taking the test. Ha ha! Panel 20: Sarah: What do you mean I looked funny! Edward:You were shaking and your teeth were like this, and your eyes were all big. Panel 21: Sarah: Stop making things up! Edward: I'm not! I Panel 22. Sarah: I wasn't nervous. Edward: Well, we're going to get our grades tomorrow. The reasoning there is that the dialogue is no longer distracting away from events (like the teacher figure may have), and you don’t have to repeat the same themes through the dialogue (ie, nervous and scared at beginning and end – I'm sure the artist can add those points visually). Of course, I'm not working on much information here, but I hope that helps.

25th October 2003, 08:57 AM	#8 (permalink)
Twelve Spirit of Zebulun Join Date: Aug 2003 Posts: 187	Yes...I see your points, and I will take them VERY seriously. Well, this children's comic has much to do with learning lessons, and my boss doesn't want it to be an adventure comic. So I suppose I do spend much time with points that I would normally shorten to get on with the action. The point of this comic is to show how a kid should not be nervous, fearful, or frightened if they are prepared. Sarah learns this eventually as the story goes on. Hey, I really appreciate the help...I will remember what was written in this thread! 12

7th November 2003, 01:30 PM	#9 (permalink)
Incognito going spare! Join Date: Oct 2003 Posts: 163	Hi Twelve - how did it all go in the end?

8th November 2003, 07:56 AM	#10 (permalink)
Twelve Spirit of Zebulun Join Date: Aug 2003 Posts: 187	Well, everyone of my scripts have been accepted so far. I have to write two this month and I'm going to get on it next week. I haven't been fired yet...haha. Trust me, I'll report any difficulties that happen in this thread. Thanx for asking. 12

10th November 2003, 02:50 PM	#11 (permalink)
jerchar Senior Member Join Date: Oct 2003 Posts: 65	Hi 12, Why don't you drop by Berlitz School in Basel, I know that they teach some kids of international backgroung english and german. It's worth a try. Good luck.

13th November 2003, 11:32 AM	#13 (permalink)
Incognito going spare! Join Date: Oct 2003 Posts: 163	Sounds like everything's going fine, then. Glad to hear that.