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Originally Posted by Sapheron  I've only got time for a quick look over this, but I noticed two of the names. Sateros and Menardi... I could swear those are the bad guys out of Golden Sun. I might be wrong, but it stood out to me.
Also, there aren't any paragraphs more than two or three lines long. That's evidence of a lack of detailed description. I'd say theres a bit too much speach compared to non-speech (is there a proper word for that?). You should tell us what the things going on are like, not just tell us they are going on.
Otherwise though, the actual storyline side of it seems alright. |
lol, I think you might be right. Ive been using those two names for years in World of Warcraft and Everquest, I guess I forgot their origin. Anways, I might go back and change that. Also I will go back and beef up the descriptions a bit.