[chrispenycate]

Originally Posted by panzerman

Hey all,

This is my first attmept at writing. I just put a few ideas on paper and a week later I had 30,000 words. I just want to know if the story interests anyone else as much as it does me, and if I could improve it in any way.

This is the first of 6 chapters, with much much more on the way. It is my least favorite chapter, and I hope to vastly improve upon it. Thanks for any help!!!



The Alliance was winning what many now called the ‘Great War’. The Shimanto Corporation had already lost their newest colony in the T’Chou system to Alliance bombardment . The Crucible of Zion had joined forces with the Shimantan’s

either "their forces" or no apostrophe on Shimaratans

after the fall of the T’Chou system in an attempt to prevent Alliance domination of the Old Galaxy. The Armada of the Crucible joined with the Shimantan fleet at Ling Mai in a desperate bid to stop the Alliance.

The Battle of Ling Mai had not gone well; the Crucible fleet had been outnumbered and outgunned, and was

remove the "was", or put "had been"; still pluperfect

all but destroyed. The Crucible Armada was known throughout could not stand against the massive Alliance fleet carriers and their hordes of fighters.

I don't understand that lst sentence. Throughout what? Known by whom?

Seneschal David Akkaid had fallen there, the Crucible’s greatest commander and the most powerful of the Seneschal. His successor, Seneschal Alan Cooper had likewise fallen at Acre in an unsuccessful attempt to trap the Alliance fleet against the orbital defense grid of that world and what remained of the Crucible Armada. Ismaili agents, quasi-human assassins created through the Alliance’s genetic research program, had disabled the planets defenses just hours before the battle. Seneschal Jacob Akkiad, son of David, was now the last of the Seneschal. The fleet defeated, the Seneschal decimated, the High Council was in emergency session.

The five most powerful men in the Crucible gathered in the Salchian on the Crucible homeworld of Zion. The Salchian had been constructed over two centuries ago

"before" rather than "ago"; you're already in the past

to house the Holy Relics, most of which where obtained during the Purge of

capital "E" for Earth?

earth in 3475

specify what calender, please

. The fascist Terran Empire had been only too happy to rid themselves of all things religious, and the Crucible, then known only as the ‘Outcast’, had been only too happy to purchase them. The Salchian was more fortress than Temple, and housed the most valuable of the Holy Relics. Over the years the building

had grown

grew in importance and was now recognized as the center of government in the Crucible, though it had never been intended for that purpose. Five elderly men wearing dark brown robes filed into the nave and gathered around a crescent shaped altar of white marble and took their seats.

Deacon Brown, head of the Catholic Order and chairman of the council of elders, initiated the emergency session. “Gentlemen, these are dark days for the Crucible. Acre has fallen, our armada defeated and the Alliance fleet now threatens Antioch. We, the elders of Zion, must now decide the fate of the Crucible. Shall we continue in our defense of our home, or do we take to the stars as did the Shimantans?”

“We must fight, running is not an option, the Revealing will NOT be defied by the unholy Alliance!”

dialogue; three separate sntences separated by commas. Coming out, no capital "S" on "screamed"

Screamed Deacon Graham. “I don’t give a damn what the cost may be,

I'm sorry, "I don't give a damn" just isn't how he'd say it.

the Alliance must be shown the consequences of crossing swords with the Crucible!”

An uncomfortable silence followed what could be considered an outburst from the normally solemn Deacon. Several of the Deacons began murmuring among themselves as Seneschal Jacob Akkaid remained at a position of attention. As the last remaining Seneschal, he was the de-facto commander and chief of the Crucible’s armed forces. Had it not been for the civilian oversight

are you sure "oversight" is the word you want?

of the military, Seneschal Akkaid would still be hounding the Alliance forces to the best of his ability. Though he commanded the military, he himself answered to the Council. The Council maintained

"maintained" (kept in good repair), or "retained"?

many vestigial laws from the ancient American Empire, from which the Crucible was born over two millennium ago.

The Council of Zion, the governing body of the Crucible, was comprised of the five eldest members of the original Outcast Orders, the Teutons, the Catholics, the Hospitallers, the Jesuit and the Masons. After the fall of the American Empire the First Alliance

had

quickly outlawed religion, specifically Christianity, as this had been the greatest strength of the Americans. Given the choice of renouncing their God or being exiled, the vast majority

had chosen

choose exile. For centuries they

had

wandered the stars before a prophet named Muhhamed bin Lobeck

had written

wrote the Revealing, now the third book of the old Bible. The revealing

had

led the Outcast to Zion where they formed the Crucible, and

had sworn

swore an oath to defend the Word to their dying breath.

With four of the Alliance’s six fleet carriers still within 5 light years of the Antioch system, Zion itself was not safe. The Orbital Defenses of Antioch could hold off the bulk of the Alliance fleet, but without fleet support the Alliance could still launch an invasion.

“Can you hold Antioch until the world can be evacuated Honorable Seneschal?” asked Deacon O’Malley, leader of the Hospitaler Order, a sect considered liberal by Crucible standards. “And please dear Seneschal, take a seat, you are among equals here.”

Jacob awkwardly took a seat, his back still at rigid attention. “I can delay any invasion attempts, but with the remains of the fleet tied up in Antioch, Zion would be left open to attack.”

“You ask us to stand and fight when

comma

by your own words

comma

you cannot defend Zion itself!” screamed Deacon Graham, head of the Teutonic Order, the hardliners of the Crucible. “As I said, I believe we should fight on, but how can I vote to continue a war that you just told me cannot be won?”

“Deacon, I told you nothing of the sort. I cannot face four Alliance carriers and hope to win, nor do I have to attack four carriers in order to continue the war. Seneschal Cooper, may he walk with the Lord, rolled the dice in baiting them to the Acre System, and he lost. We do not have the forces to fight the Alliance head on, and so we shall not. The Alliance may have won Acre, but they have left their own space undefended.” He could tell the last part caught their attention.

“Are you serious? You propose to invade the Alliance? What possible good would that do the Crucible? You said yourself Seneschal, the fleet is needed to defend Zion!” Deacon O’Malley barley

barely[quote] hid his contempt for the idea of continuing the war.

“The Tachyon collectors in the Dartmouth system have only a small Alliance flotilla defending them. A strike, a successful strike, at the station would cripple the Alliance’s force projection capabilities, and could very well force them to withdraw their forces from Acre.” Jacob pondered the truth of his statement, knowing full well that what remained of the once mighty Crucible fleet was hardly in a position to go off chasing the Alliance, but what choice was there? Turn and run, leaving the lands promised to them in the Revealing to be razed and sucked dry by Alliance mining corps? As a member of the Akaran Order, Jacob considered it his sacred duty to defend the worlds given to the Crucible in the Revealing.
QUOTE]
The lump being a bit big, and not requiring too much of my particular expertise , I've cut it short.
I'm afraid I don't find this excerpt too exiting; I just don't feel the tension, the danger - too much explanation, not enough emotion. I'm quite happy to be overridden by more style literate readers, but it feels like the introduction to book three of a series to bring those who haven't read books one and two up to speed (now read on) rather than the actual recounting of the soriginal story.
And you have a difficulty with tenses.