Imperial Assassin - Blurb

[Mark Robson]

I'd really appreciate some feedback on this. I've been drafting a blurb for the second book in my Imperial series - Imperial Assassin. I'm intending to use it as an advert in the back of the first book, so I suppose this may not end up on the back cover of the book in exactly the same form.

Comments and thoughts, please. Does this grab you?

IMPERIAL ASSASSIN

In a bold effort to rid Shandar of assassins forever, Emperor Surabar declares them outlaws. The Guild of Assassins strikes back – hard.

All attempts to locate the assassins’ Headquarters fail. The Emperor needs someone to infiltrate the Guild. Femke is already known to the assassins; only Reynik, the young legionnaire, has a chance.

Reynik must learn the Guild’s secrets. But secrets kept hidden for over five centuries command a high price. Reynik is ready to risk his life, but this mission may demand more – this could cost him his soul.

[dwndrgn]

Well, it sounds good, what there is of it. It seems to be missing something. I'm not sure what it is, maybe a snippet explaining why infiltrating an assassin's guild would lose Reynik his soul.

The only other issue is that headquarters shouldn't be capitalized unless it is used as a title like Assassin's Guild Headquarters - the way you have it in the first sentence it shouldn't be capitalized.

[Mark Robson]

Originally Posted by dwndrgn

Well, it sounds good, what there is of it. It seems to be missing something. I'm not sure what it is, maybe a snippet explaining why infiltrating an assassin's guild would lose Reynik his soul.

The only other issue is that headquarters shouldn't be capitalized unless it is used as a title like Assassin's Guild Headquarters - the way you have it in the first sentence it shouldn't be capitalized.

Thanks, Dwndrgn. I shall de-capitate the HQ! I want to leave the potential reader with a question in their mind, therefore, if I explain the cryptic comment at the end, I lose the question. However, if anyone else comes up with a similar thought about it missing something, then I'll have to re-think.

The problem is that I only have 75 - 100 words at the absolute top end in which to sell the story. Writing a blurb is almost an artform in its own right.

[rune]

Perhaps if you shortened the first paragraph you could fit in a little more about the risk to Reynik.

In a bold effort to rid Shandar of assassins forever, Emperor Surabar declares them outlaws. The Guild of Assassins strikes back – hard.

Short, sharp statements would work on the above, I think.-

e.g. -Declared outlaws, the Surbar assassins strike back hard.

[Mark Robson]

Originally Posted by dwndrgn

Well, it sounds good, what there is of it. It seems to be missing something. I'm not sure what it is, maybe a snippet explaining why infiltrating an assassin's guild would lose Reynik his soul.

The only other issue is that headquarters shouldn't be capitalized unless it is used as a title like Assassin's Guild Headquarters - the way you have it in the first sentence it shouldn't be capitalized.

Thanks, Dwndrgn. I shall de-capitate the HQ! I want to leave the potential reader with a question in their mind, therefore, if I explain the cryptic comment at the end, I lose the question. However, if anyone else comes up with a similar thought about it missing something, then I'll have to re-think.

The problem is that I only have 75 - 100 words at the absolute top end in which to sell the story. Writing a blurb is almost an artform in its own right.

[dwndrgn]

After re-thinking it, I think that it sounds great. I had to step back and imagine reading the back of a book...and it works.

[Mark Robson]

Originally Posted by rune

Perhaps if you shortened the first paragraph you could fit in a little more about the risk to Reynik.

In a bold effort to rid Shandar of assassins forever, Emperor Surabar declares them outlaws. The Guild of Assassins strikes back – hard.

Short, sharp statements would work on the above, I think.-

e.g. -Declared outlaws, the Surbar assassins strike back hard.

I like your train of thought, Rune. How about this:


Declared outlaws by the Emperor, the Guild of Assassins strikes back hard.

The Emperor must act fast. He needs someone to infiltrate the Guild. All attempts to locate the assassins’ headquarters have failed. Femke is already known to the assassins; only Reynik, the young legionnaire, has a chance.

Reynik must learn the Guild’s secrets. But secrets kept hidden for over five centuries command a high price. Reynik is ready to risk his life, but this mission may demand more – this could cost him his soul.

Originally Posted by Dwndrgn

After re-thinking it, I think that it sounds great. I had to step back and imagine reading the back of a book...and it works.

Thanks, Dwndrgn. I quite liked it, but like it more now that I've messed with it again. Rune was right. The short, sharp sentences pack more punch.

[rune]

Originally Posted by Mark Robson

I like your train of thought, Rune. How about this:


Declared outlaws by the Emperor, the Guild of Assassins strikes back hard.

The Emperor must act fast. He needs someone to infiltrate the Guild. All attempts to locate the assassins’ headquarters have failed. Femke is already known to the assassins; only Reynik, the young legionnaire, has a chance.

Reynik must learn the Guild’s secrets. But secrets kept hidden for over five centuries command a high price. Reynik is ready to risk his life, but this mission may demand more – this could cost him his soul.

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I like this one better, it's sharper and seems to have a bit more impact

[Mark Robson]

This was the final agreed version:

Declared outlaws by the Emperor, the Guild of Assassins strikes back hard.

The Emperor must act fast. He needs someone to infiltrate the Guild. All attempts to locate the assassins’ headquarters have failed. Femke is already known to the assassins. So Reynik, the young legionnaire, must penetrate their inner circle to discover the Guild's secrets.

But secrets kept hidden for over five centuries command a high price. Reynik is ready to risk his life, but this mission may demand more – this could cost him his soul.

[Rane Longfox]

Its certainly better than the original you came up with. Very enticing

[Balinor]

Hmmm... maby a bit too short, what about:

After being declared outlaws by the Emperor, the Guild of Assassins strikes back hard.

The Emperor must act fast. He needs someone to infiltrate the Guild. All attempts to locate the assassins’ headquarters have failed. Femke is a known spy to the assassins. So it falls to Reynik, the young legionnaire, to penetrate their inner circle and to discover the Guild's (darkest or deepest?) secrets.

But secrets kept hidden for over five centuries command a high price. Reynik is ready to risk his life, but this mission could cost him much more, is he willing to lose his soul?


I think that it gives it a little more spice whilst not realy telling the reader anything more. Spelling of lose correct? i can never remember that one.