Very much a
precis I'm not sure that doing a full punctuation raid on it is useful (besides, apart from a full stop instead of a comma in
Quote:
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Insurrections and civil strife. however, broke it into squabbling factions.
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and one or two similar, the punctuation seems good) Tenses are a little less certain. In the above example I'd use the pluperfect, since the next sentence is more immediate past (and I don't see why "quarreling over resources, land, or ancient blood feuds" would distract them from the slavery [though it might from the piratry])
Ranks are not clear (though how they could be made clear in such a condensed explanation, I'm not sure) In the army, captain is a fairly junior rank; in the navy, more a function than a rank. Still, a fleet commander could be an admiral; unfortunately I'm not sufficiently up in military matters to know whether the "second in command" would be the flag captain of his ship or the senior commodore of the squadron, but this is easy to find out. If, on the other hand, you're going to work out your own system of ranking, separate from the traditional ones, it should probably be left out of the outline, as more confusing than helpful.