Originally Posted by LiLi  You might want to reword some parts of this paragraph as well as divide it. I had to re-read this part a few times to make sure there were three people in the throne room and who was talking to whom. For example, you could set it up like this:
“No, please Lord Guardian,” said Satan du Mekutha.
Guardian Light, leader of the rebellion against his (instead of the pronoun "his," you could replace this with "Mekutha's" or "du Mekutha's" because as of now, the reader doesn't know who either character is or whose reign is being referred to) reign and the legendary Guardians, keepers of the peace in Khuhuxan (it's not immediately clear who the keepers of the peace are. Are you referring to the Guardians? It's probably better to drop this description and mention it later so that you don't overload the sentence/paragraph with too much info.), had entered the throne room of the castle in the capital city of Niger Riki, the Black Kingdom.
Satan du Kraakshaan, ruler of Khuhuxan, was at the mercy of Guardian Light’s and his own sword, Avohkii Blan Kifr and Kifr Fjorlag. “Spare me. I am weak and old. So old. Tales of my powers have been terribly exaggerated and I have weakened greatly these past millennia of my reign. Please spare me, in fact, join me. Our goals are not different. We both are trying to keep the peace, but you rebels have destroyed it with your war. People do not care who is on the throne, they just want peace. I was young and made a huge mistake when I wiped out the Guardians. I made a mistake and sought revenge for what I was exiled for. Please spare me and join me. Together, we may rule Khuhuxan in peace. That is all I ask. Kill me if you wish.”
I think this is where I got confused. It appears that Satan du Kraakshaan is the ruler, and it's his throne room? If so (then I was wrong to suggest Mekutha's name...it would actually be Kraakshaan's name). It needs to be more obvious that there are three people: Guardian Light, Satan du Kraakshaan (the ruler), and Satan du Mekutha. Where are they standing? Where is Mekutha? Why does Mekuthat say, "No, please Lord Guardian," in the beginning? Is he hesitant about something?
Now, let's get more into the charaters :-)
Guardian Light pondered his words for a long while, and finally, lowered the crossed swords at Satan’s neck. “I will join you,” Guardian Light said. “Just tell me what I need to do, master.” Guardian Light knelt and bowed his head in respect and fealty as his new master rose.
I think Kraakshaan's offer for Guardian Light (and Mekutha) to join him should be a little more psychological manipulation and less of a plea to be spared. Satan du Kraakshaan is presumably a powerful ruler, a tyrant even...so I wouldn't imagine a person like this asking to be spared as if he were a weakling. Also, when Guardian Light agrees to join him, what is his motivation for doing so? Motivation is very important. It doesn't make it convincing enough if Guardian Light only ponders Kraakshaan's words for a long time, Guardian Light needs to have a believable reason to join Kraakshaan instead of just killing him and taking his place, or installing Mekutha or someone else on the throne, etc. Perhaps at this point we need to get inside Guardian Light's head and hear his thoughts, so we know what his temptations and weaknesses are.
Master, thought Satan, I could get used to this. “You are sure then. Doing so, you will not be able to go back. Now, allow me to place my hand on your forehead and lower the barriers around your mind and conciseness.” Guardian Light did so, and immediately, the pair began to glow and fade. The next thing the young Guardian felt was pain. There was a war of three minds: Satan, the demon lord; Guardian Mekutha, the Misunderstood and former shadow king; and the young and confused Guardian Light, whose mind was immediately overwhelmed by Satan. Then to Mekutha and Guardian Light, there was nothing, no feeling, no thought. Just pure nothingness.
Were Guardian Light and Mekutha killed? Did they merge with Kraakshaan? Why were the three minds warring? How did the Guardians feel?
A new figure rose, and bellowed, “I am Satan du Fjorlag Avohkii, the absolute ruler of Khuhuxan!” The new Satan had a set of iron colored wings; the mask of Guardian Light with demon’s horns, Kifr Fjorlag was sheathed at his waist. His new armor was steel, silver, and goldenrod colored. He stood seven feet tall.
With a mighty beat of his wings, he rushed into the sky through an oversized window, raised Kifr Fjorlag, and shot an eternal shadow over the Black Kingdom, reciting the words in the power tongue, “Let my Eternal Shadow rule over the now black kingdom of Khuhuxan!” An amethyst and black colored shadow appeared over Khuhuxan, spreading out from Satan du Demn Avohkii’s sword. The shadow of Satan would rise again, after ten millennia of waiting; he would raise rule his land once again.
Was he planning this all along? (it says he's been waiting ten millenia). Sounds cool, which is all the more reason why we need to see his manipulative and calculating nature at work when he's speaking to Guardian Light.
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