Redraft of the beginning of my short story.

[alexhurry]

After consideration of the advice I recieved with my last post, I have redrafted the beginning. It's not as long but I hope (emphasis on hope) that you will enjoy it a great deal more than you did the last one. Again leave comments.

Thanks!

In times of darkness when corrupt humans sit thrones

Evil beings sweep forth to tear kingdoms from man, like a baby from a womb

There must be some heroes to light up the void

Be the hope of life and justice

For in the soul of every man is a greater good

If only they took the time to look deeper.....





Lord Commander Ezia Arugli of the Norn army ran through the lower city streets; on either side of him were scenes of chaos, families from all around the city were fleeing onto the street screaming, dragging sacks full of their possessions behind them and running into the mother like protection of the hidden tunnels.

The Fandors were marching on the city, less than half a days march away or so his scouts had informed, he was on his way to seek audience with King Tyalae. Through the gateway to the upper-city he ran, sprinting up the slope towards the great silhouette of the grand castle. At the grand wall he nodded to the guards who let him through and then he gradually slowed until he was at a brisk walk.

Ezia walked through the courtyard filled with praying and weeping monks until he got to the ornate double doors marking the front of the Kings hall. The guards uncrossed their spears and stood to the side while the door was opened by a pulley system on the other side of the door, it started to slowly open, leaving Ezia in uncomfortable agitation. As soon as it was wide enough to let a man through, Ezia carried on his swift walk down the long hall; paying no heed to the huge marble statues of past kings from throughout the centuries.

At the far end of the hall, flanked by two of his royal guard, sat King Tyalae. He was a dark-haired, fat man with little neck and barely visible eyes under the layers of fat. At the sight of his highest ranking lord he struggled to stand up; eventually one of his guards had to help him stagger to his feet. Once standing the King shook off the guard and smiled warmly at Ezia.

“My lord, will you not have a drink with me? Too long has it been without you sharing pleasantries with your king”
Ezia scowled under his black, bushy eyebrows.
“Your grace, as warm as your invitation may be, in the present circumstances I do not find it to be the appropriate time for a drink and idle banter. We are being marched on by an enormous Fandor army; I have come here for my orders.”

King Tyalae’s smile wavered slightly at this reproach, he had grown used to Ezia’s argumentative manner over the years, but it did not stop him from feeling ever so slightly annoyed.

“As you wish commander”, he replied in a less friendly voice, “I know perfectly well of our current predicament Ezia, I am not the fool king you mistake me for.

As for your orders, the Fandor are approximately ten miles away, they are at camp on the far bank of River Cloy; we can use that to our advantage. One of my scouts has reported to me that he overheard one of the vermin saying they were to march at dawn. As you know, there is only one bridge for thirty miles on this strip of water. Ezia, I want you to take a small party of about a hundred and burn the bridge; If the gods are good then you will go undetected, if not I do not want you to flee until the bridge is razed into the river. You should leave as soon as possible.”

“Yes my lord”, Ezia replied, he had to admit that the plan was as good as any. The Fandors would still get to Norn eventually, but it would win them some time to organize effective defences.

Ezia bowed to Tyalae and took his leave, he then renewed his urgency and ran out of the castle walls and took the road to the east until he got to the barracks. Inside could be heard the joy and laughter of merrymaking. He burst through the door and his face must have shown great worry and concern because at that moment the noise stopped and al the soldiers devoted their attention towards him.

“Peskille”, he said to the captain of his squadron, “Gather one hundred of your best soldiers and archers give at least ten of them torches to bring with them; tell them to meet me at the city gates in a half hour. I feel we’re in for a little bit of fun tonight.”

[cyborg_cinema]

Originally Posted by alexhurry

Lord Commander Ezia Arugli of the Norn army ran through the lower city streets; on either side of him were scenes of chaos, families from all around the city were fleeing onto the street screaming, dragging sacks full of their possessions behind them and running into the mother like protection of the hidden tunnels.

...nice hook!!

[alexhurry]

Thanks, I used your advice of show rather than tell.

[cyborg_cinema]

Originally Posted by alexhurry

Thanks, I used your advice of show rather than tell.

...you sure did, nice job.

Also, "telling" can be used for other things: pacing, unnecessary details, etc.

[fungi from Yuggoth]

Wow, this is a major improvement! Good job. If the rest of the piece is like this then it's a winner.

[Cimmerian]

All I can say is. Wow. What you had written before was very nice, but what you have written now, is even better. I look forward to reading the whole story when you've completed. Wow.

[star_song]

Well done, very well illustrated. i could see it all as it played through my mind. Excellent improvement!

[alexhurry]

Thanks all for your comments, I will post the second part of the story as soon as I write it. (obviously)

[bendoran]

much better mate, well done!