Chapter 1; version 2.0 - Science Fiction Fantasy Chronicles: forums

kaufmannp · 5th July 2012, 09:44 PM

Made some changes based on the comments- although this submission is a bit longer, around 1,250 words or so. Thank you for all your help!!

Chapter 1:

A curious chain of events began in the Dista system one day in late October when a small freighter emerged from hyper-space, far from where a string of floating markers flashed to keep clear a sphere of space established for incoming flights. The freighter had a wide fuselage with a tapering nose for the bow, and a pair of forward-swept wings and a dorsal fin that was useful for atmospheric flight mounted directly over a pair of fiercely glowing exhaust ports. A short-range freighter, the smaller sort favored for its speed and maneuverability, and an older model that had seen its prime come and go decades earlier, it was presentlyat the wrong end of a pursuit.

Aside from the wide belt of rust running down a dilapidated hull, and the blackened ends of worn exhaust ports, the freighter was clearly in a poor state of repair due to conditions that were not completely attributable to its age. Scorching on its hull indicated hits from a high-energy weapon of some sort, and small pieces of flak had been embedded in what remained of its dorsal fin. The ship’s ability to maintain a steady heading appeared to have suffered as well, although in truth its erratic course was determined not by condition, but necessity.

In a series of rather dramatic maneuvering burns, the freighter slipped back and forth along the edge of the gravity well generated by the primary celestial body of the system, a gas giant known as N-19.802. It shuddered uncertainly with every maneuvering push of its thrusters in an effort to keep as much of that planet’s mass between the vessel and its reentry point as possible, while simultaneously struggling not to fall into thegas giant’s violent atmosphere.

The injured ship cleared the planet and it settled onto a somewhat circuitous course toward asmall moon orbiting N-19.802. The small moon glowed blue as it swung towards the far side of its titanic neighbor, a pleasant though distinct contrast to the harsh glare of yellow and orange.

One last thruster burn directed the freighter towards the south-western hemisphere, the light from the star Dista narrowing towards dusk as the freighter approached the nightcycle of the moon’s orbit. The freighter flared when it passed into the atmosphere, the rundown friction shielding at its belly glowing in patches asit swiftly descended through a cloudy sky. Smoke issued from one of the exhaust ports, leaving a dwindling trail that followed the craft as it plunged towards the surface.

A range of rugged mountains rose up over the horizon, blanketed by towering pine trees. The ship fired its descent thrusters in desperation, the speed at which it had beenfalling making any last minute course alterations unlikely. Again the thrusters fired, but their attempts to delay the inevitable coming to a sudden andspectacular end with an explosion on the starboard wing. The freighter rolled violently to port and then began an uncontrolled terminal spiral toward thet ree-covered slopes.

It was only mere chance that a small group of boys playing at the edge of the forest happened to be present for the event. It is certainly possible that the entire incident might have gone completely unnoticed, had the group in question not been nearing the culmination of a conflict which had been raging over the betterpart of the last three hours. As the light of day from Dista’s aging star began to fade towards dusk, the combatant’s enthusiasm for mêlée had likewise subsided, and they had all but adjourned for the day, thoughts of home and supper and the inevitable bedtime heavy on their minds.

The weapons of theday were simple in form but functional enough to get the job done; short-swords composed of the light-weight wood from a local variation of balsam trees. Attacks were conducted with little thought for the art of modern swordsmanship, and in most cases resulted in fruitless slashes that looked dashing nonetheless, which was of course the entire point of the affair. Their conflict, like most others, was governed by a strict code of unwritten rules, the violation ofwhich resulted in swift but usually just expulsion from the battlefield. Such were the battlefield ethics ofeleven-year-olds.

The combatants had organized themselves into two opposing forces; one side having barely achieved numerical superiority with an army of four against their opponent’s three. This advantage appeared to have little effect, however, as the smaller group had employed tactics somewhat advanced for their age to push towards their objective, an enclave stationed at the entrance to the nearby forest which served in peacetime as a hide for local hunters of the grown-up variety.

A well-aimed strike at one of the foursome’s flankers evoked a sudden yelp of pain, and the wounded fighter dutifully dropped his weapon as he feigned an appropriatelydramatic demise. The battle continued around him, with due consideration for the injured as he watched, shouting encouragement to his comrades from the tallgrass. Wooden blades flashed with enthusiasm common only to the untrained arms of children as the now reduced force struggled to regain the initiative.

Size appeared to be the one advantage the enemy had remaining, their numbers dwindling down to two as one of the smallest boys struck a swift blow into the ribs of his foe.The larger boy fell to the side, but not without managing to shove his attacker as he moved aside and caused a domino affect amongst the boy’s formation. His target, though certainly smaller than the others, was no less ferocious. He dropped into a roll and quickly came to his feet, toes pointed and fists curled as he adopted an apprehensive but determined fighter’s stance. The conflict behind him fell apart suddenly as the others realized what had happened. Things were about to go up a notch.

Giving no more warning then the first arrival, a second vessel appeared in space not far from where the freighter had made its entrance. Bulbous head for the forward sensor pods, attached to a narrow fuselage mounted with four stubby fins, from each of which sprouted weapons; this craft was of such specific design that its purpose could be easily ascertained. Maneuvering rockets fired steadily as the vessel slowed, shedding the velocity gained by its sudden ejection from hyper-space. The overall impression was that of agargantuan lawn dart, a predatory thing known by its singular intent: Seek and destroy.

When the Seeker reached the speed at which it could maneuver more freely,the artificial intelligence in command of the craft lit up the forward-mounted sensor array to search for an optimum pursuit course. Star charts were accessed by a variety of tactical sub-routines as it worked to obtain its bearings, the pursuit programming that lie within the Seeker’s computer core running innumerable calculations as it worked to re-acquire its lost prey.

Local sensors quickly identified and rejected the gas giant N-19.802 asan unlikely destination, the great orange globe offering little by way ofhiding spots. The Seeker began to search along more favorable escape vectors... There! The track of decayed ion particles was broken and erratic, the Seeker’s tactical program noted with distain. Like that of a wounded animal trailing blood, the path turned and twisted this way and that. It finally settled, the targeting sensors reported with glee, on an uncertain course for the small moon orbiting the far side of the gas giant.

I, Brian · 5th July 2012, 10:47 PM

I can't get into this. It's like you're narrating a film to me.

The imagination and some of the wording are really nice - but ask yourself, why are you trying to narrate a film to me in a novel? That's not the point of a novel.

I've seen it mentioned elsewhere that Third Person Omniscient viewpoints began to fall out of favour 20-30 years ago, and that readers demand a Third Person Limited POV now.

It may simply be the case that you're coming to writing after watching lots of films, and that's great - but look at what sort of science fiction has been published over the past ten years at least to see what publishers are looking for now.

You should be able to rewrite the piece in Third Person Limited, but read up a little more on POV use where possible, and read how it's used in currently published novels, because that's what publishers want.

Otherwise, all you have is exposition that will not engage the modern reader properly IMO.

Paradox 99 · 5th July 2012, 11:43 PM

I agree with Brian, although, to me, it reads like a newspaper article.
You've given us a detailed picture of the event, but there's no passion in it, no emotion - like a journalist's report.

POV is definitely the key here. Try it, for example, in first person. A terrified or awed observer watching the whole scene unfold, or maybe the pilot recalling what happened. We need to feel something in the narration.

kaufmannp · 6th July 2012, 12:19 AM

First, thank you!

What I'm understanding is that I cannot effectively tell the story to a modern audience from a third-person omnicient POV, as it will fail to draw the reader in or make them care much about the events I'm describing.

Now, immediately after the portion I've posted comes a fight between the boys as seen through the eyes of two of my main characters, followed by the ship crashing, their meeting with a pair of deputies, and the subsequent crash and a running battle with the Seeker. This all takes place in the remaining 31 pages of chapter 1.

Is the problem one of context as I've only shown a small bit, or do I really need to consider starting the chapter off through a specific POV? I'm certainly not opposed to doing so if it will serve to draw the reader in.

Most importantly, I admit to being a complete and total amatuer when it comes to novel-writing and I am extremely grateful for your input.

springs · 6th July 2012, 12:33 AM

[QUOTE=kaufmannp;1622847]

I'd delete the whole bit up to here, and try to feed it in at some point, later, if it's needed. Alternatively, I might just keep it in my head, without it ever being referenced again.

It was only mere chance that a small group of boys playing at the edge of the forest happened to be present for the event. It is certainly possible that the entire incident might have gone completely unnoticed, had the group in question not been nearing the culmination of a conflict which had been raging over the betterpart of the last three hours. As the light of day from Dista’s aging star began to fade towards dusk, the combatant’s enthusiasm for mêlée had likewise subsided, and they had all but adjourned for the day, thoughts of home and supper and the inevitable bedtime heavy on their minds.

Here I'd sink into one of the pov's:

Tony(for the sake of argument) hunkered down, keeping his breath as quiet as he could. They'd been playing all afternoon, chasing each other, adn he was tired now. The day started to turn towards dust, and he heard the all-clear being called; the game was over. He crawled out of the undergrowth, and saw a streak of light - a ship, he guessed, but off course and coming much too fat - above him.

(I'm afraid then, I'd delete the whole bit about the boys' game. It's too early to engage me: I need someone to hook onto to. For now, I'm using Tony.)

As Tony watched, a second vessel appeared... remembering that your point of view is now a child with whatever knowledge he has of space ships. (I'd scribble a few notes at this stage about who he is, what he's likely to know/have seen.)
For me, that's it, if we use the child pov. If we use the ship's pov we see it from a diffeent angle and can include different detail. But you need to get in close to one, I think.

It's not a problem of context - I can see enough here to tell your grammar etc are good. It's a problem of finding the most engaging place to start (I think it's the boys, but it's your story and you might feel otherwise, in which case go with it) and taking me through it from that person's shoulder, the whole way, like I'm there with them.

kaufmannp · 6th July 2012, 01:04 AM

Definetly an idea, I'll have to do as suggested and read up on novel-writing methods. I believe I'm doing better as I make my way through chapter 2, and hopefully I'll improve in the process. It is quite likely that I'd make better progress if I just wrote the thing and then went back to edit.

Sounds like I've read that somewhere already

Thank you to all!

5th July 2012, 09:44 PM	#1 (permalink)
kaufmannp freshpaperscented Join Date: Jun 2012 Location: Maine Posts: 45	Chapter 1; version 2.0 Made some changes based on the comments- although this submission is a bit longer, around 1,250 words or so. Thank you for all your help!! Chapter 1: A curious chain of events began in the Dista system one day in late October when a small freighter emerged from hyper-space, far from where a string of floating markers flashed to keep clear a sphere of space established for incoming flights. The freighter had a wide fuselage with a tapering nose for the bow, and a pair of forward-swept wings and a dorsal fin that was useful for atmospheric flight mounted directly over a pair of fiercely glowing exhaust ports. A short-range freighter, the smaller sort favored for its speed and maneuverability, and an older model that had seen its prime come and go decades earlier, it was presentlyat the wrong end of a pursuit. Aside from the wide belt of rust running down a dilapidated hull, and the blackened ends of worn exhaust ports, the freighter was clearly in a poor state of repair due to conditions that were not completely attributable to its age. Scorching on its hull indicated hits from a high-energy weapon of some sort, and small pieces of flak had been embedded in what remained of its dorsal fin. The ship’s ability to maintain a steady heading appeared to have suffered as well, although in truth its erratic course was determined not by condition, but necessity. In a series of rather dramatic maneuvering burns, the freighter slipped back and forth along the edge of the gravity well generated by the primary celestial body of the system, a gas giant known as N-19.802. It shuddered uncertainly with every maneuvering push of its thrusters in an effort to keep as much of that planet’s mass between the vessel and its reentry point as possible, while simultaneously struggling not to fall into thegas giant’s violent atmosphere. The injured ship cleared the planet and it settled onto a somewhat circuitous course toward asmall moon orbiting N-19.802. The small moon glowed blue as it swung towards the far side of its titanic neighbor, a pleasant though distinct contrast to the harsh glare of yellow and orange. One last thruster burn directed the freighter towards the south-western hemisphere, the light from the star Dista narrowing towards dusk as the freighter approached the nightcycle of the moon’s orbit. The freighter flared when it passed into the atmosphere, the rundown friction shielding at its belly glowing in patches asit swiftly descended through a cloudy sky. Smoke issued from one of the exhaust ports, leaving a dwindling trail that followed the craft as it plunged towards the surface. A range of rugged mountains rose up over the horizon, blanketed by towering pine trees. The ship fired its descent thrusters in desperation, the speed at which it had beenfalling making any last minute course alterations unlikely. Again the thrusters fired, but their attempts to delay the inevitable coming to a sudden andspectacular end with an explosion on the starboard wing. The freighter rolled violently to port and then began an uncontrolled terminal spiral toward thet ree-covered slopes. It was only mere chance that a small group of boys playing at the edge of the forest happened to be present for the event. It is certainly possible that the entire incident might have gone completely unnoticed, had the group in question not been nearing the culmination of a conflict which had been raging over the betterpart of the last three hours. As the light of day from Dista’s aging star began to fade towards dusk, the combatant’s enthusiasm for mêlée had likewise subsided, and they had all but adjourned for the day, thoughts of home and supper and the inevitable bedtime heavy on their minds. The weapons of theday were simple in form but functional enough to get the job done; short-swords composed of the light-weight wood from a local variation of balsam trees. Attacks were conducted with little thought for the art of modern swordsmanship, and in most cases resulted in fruitless slashes that looked dashing nonetheless, which was of course the entire point of the affair. Their conflict, like most others, was governed by a strict code of unwritten rules, the violation ofwhich resulted in swift but usually just expulsion from the battlefield. Such were the battlefield ethics ofeleven-year-olds. The combatants had organized themselves into two opposing forces; one side having barely achieved numerical superiority with an army of four against their opponent’s three. This advantage appeared to have little effect, however, as the smaller group had employed tactics somewhat advanced for their age to push towards their objective, an enclave stationed at the entrance to the nearby forest which served in peacetime as a hide for local hunters of the grown-up variety. A well-aimed strike at one of the foursome’s flankers evoked a sudden yelp of pain, and the wounded fighter dutifully dropped his weapon as he feigned an appropriatelydramatic demise. The battle continued around him, with due consideration for the injured as he watched, shouting encouragement to his comrades from the tallgrass. Wooden blades flashed with enthusiasm common only to the untrained arms of children as the now reduced force struggled to regain the initiative. Size appeared to be the one advantage the enemy had remaining, their numbers dwindling down to two as one of the smallest boys struck a swift blow into the ribs of his foe.The larger boy fell to the side, but not without managing to shove his attacker as he moved aside and caused a domino affect amongst the boy’s formation. His target, though certainly smaller than the others, was no less ferocious. He dropped into a roll and quickly came to his feet, toes pointed and fists curled as he adopted an apprehensive but determined fighter’s stance. The conflict behind him fell apart suddenly as the others realized what had happened. Things were about to go up a notch. Giving no more warning then the first arrival, a second vessel appeared in space not far from where the freighter had made its entrance. Bulbous head for the forward sensor pods, attached to a narrow fuselage mounted with four stubby fins, from each of which sprouted weapons; this craft was of such specific design that its purpose could be easily ascertained. Maneuvering rockets fired steadily as the vessel slowed, shedding the velocity gained by its sudden ejection from hyper-space. The overall impression was that of agargantuan lawn dart, a predatory thing known by its singular intent: Seek and destroy. When the Seeker reached the speed at which it could maneuver more freely,the artificial intelligence in command of the craft lit up the forward-mounted sensor array to search for an optimum pursuit course. Star charts were accessed by a variety of tactical sub-routines as it worked to obtain its bearings, the pursuit programming that lie within the Seeker’s computer core running innumerable calculations as it worked to re-acquire its lost prey. Local sensors quickly identified and rejected the gas giant N-19.802 asan unlikely destination, the great orange globe offering little by way ofhiding spots. The Seeker began to search along more favorable escape vectors... There! The track of decayed ion particles was broken and erratic, the Seeker’s tactical program noted with distain. Like that of a wounded animal trailing blood, the path turned and twisted this way and that. It finally settled, the targeting sensors reported with glee, on an uncertain course for the small moon orbiting the far side of the gas giant.

5th July 2012, 10:47 PM	#2 (permalink)
I, Brian Brian G. Turner Join Date: Sep 2003 Location: UK: SCOTLAND: Posts: 8,050 Blog Entries: 11	Re: Chapter 1; version 2.0 I can't get into this. It's like you're narrating a film to me. The imagination and some of the wording are really nice - but ask yourself, why are you trying to narrate a film to me in a novel? That's not the point of a novel. I've seen it mentioned elsewhere that Third Person Omniscient viewpoints began to fall out of favour 20-30 years ago, and that readers demand a Third Person Limited POV now. It may simply be the case that you're coming to writing after watching lots of films, and that's great - but look at what sort of science fiction has been published over the past ten years at least to see what publishers are looking for now. You should be able to rewrite the piece in Third Person Limited, but read up a little more on POV use where possible, and read how it's used in currently published novels, because that's what publishers want. Otherwise, all you have is exposition that will not engage the modern reader properly IMO.

5th July 2012, 11:43 PM	#3 (permalink)
Paradox 99 KenDodd'sDad'sDog'sDead Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: Essex Posts: 838	Re: Chapter 1; version 2.0 I agree with Brian, although, to me, it reads like a newspaper article. You've given us a detailed picture of the event, but there's no passion in it, no emotion - like a journalist's report. POV is definitely the key here. Try it, for example, in first person. A terrified or awed observer watching the whole scene unfold, or maybe the pilot recalling what happened. We need to feel something in the narration.

6th July 2012, 12:19 AM	#4 (permalink)
kaufmannp freshpaperscented Join Date: Jun 2012 Location: Maine Posts: 45	Re: Chapter 1; version 2.0 First, thank you! What I'm understanding is that I cannot effectively tell the story to a modern audience from a third-person omnicient POV, as it will fail to draw the reader in or make them care much about the events I'm describing. Now, immediately after the portion I've posted comes a fight between the boys as seen through the eyes of two of my main characters, followed by the ship crashing, their meeting with a pair of deputies, and the subsequent crash and a running battle with the Seeker. This all takes place in the remaining 31 pages of chapter 1. Is the problem one of context as I've only shown a small bit, or do I really need to consider starting the chapter off through a specific POV? I'm certainly not opposed to doing so if it will serve to draw the reader in. Most importantly, I admit to being a complete and total amatuer when it comes to novel-writing and I am extremely grateful for your input.

6th July 2012, 12:33 AM	#5 (permalink)
springs Dramatically tremendous Join Date: Oct 2011 Location: Antrim Posts: 4,673 Blog Entries: 82	Re: Chapter 1; version 2.0 [QUOTE=kaufmannp;1622847] I'd delete the whole bit up to here, and try to feed it in at some point, later, if it's needed. Alternatively, I might just keep it in my head, without it ever being referenced again. It was only mere chance that a small group of boys playing at the edge of the forest happened to be present for the event. It is certainly possible that the entire incident might have gone completely unnoticed, had the group in question not been nearing the culmination of a conflict which had been raging over the betterpart of the last three hours. As the light of day from Dista’s aging star began to fade towards dusk, the combatant’s enthusiasm for mêlée had likewise subsided, and they had all but adjourned for the day, thoughts of home and supper and the inevitable bedtime heavy on their minds. Here I'd sink into one of the pov's: Tony(for the sake of argument) hunkered down, keeping his breath as quiet as he could. They'd been playing all afternoon, chasing each other, adn he was tired now. The day started to turn towards dust, and he heard the all-clear being called; the game was over. He crawled out of the undergrowth, and saw a streak of light - a ship, he guessed, but off course and coming much too fat - above him. (I'm afraid then, I'd delete the whole bit about the boys' game. It's too early to engage me: I need someone to hook onto to. For now, I'm using Tony.) As Tony watched, a second vessel appeared... remembering that your point of view is now a child with whatever knowledge he has of space ships. (I'd scribble a few notes at this stage about who he is, what he's likely to know/have seen.) For me, that's it, if we use the child pov. If we use the ship's pov we see it from a diffeent angle and can include different detail. But you need to get in close to one, I think. It's not a problem of context - I can see enough here to tell your grammar etc are good. It's a problem of finding the most engaging place to start (I think it's the boys, but it's your story and you might feel otherwise, in which case go with it) and taking me through it from that person's shoulder, the whole way, like I'm there with them.

6th July 2012, 01:04 AM	#6 (permalink)
kaufmannp freshpaperscented Join Date: Jun 2012 Location: Maine Posts: 45	Re: Chapter 1; version 2.0 Definetly an idea, I'll have to do as suggested and read up on novel-writing methods. I believe I'm doing better as I make my way through chapter 2, and hopefully I'll improve in the process. It is quite likely that I'd make better progress if I just wrote the thing and then went back to edit. Sounds like I've read that somewhere already Thank you to all!

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