Novel opening 600 word approx

[JoanDrake]

The beginning of a possible novel. I am trying to use a sense of enigma for a hook in this opening

I don't THINK I submitted it before my unfortunate 4 year hiatus here, if I did please let me know and I apologise.

Thank you for your critique

　

　

　

　

It was COLD.

She wrapped her arms around her thin coat as a slight breeze blew across her bare legs. Darn these short school dresses and lightweight blazers, she'd give anything for a nice heavy coat.

She heard the sound , a cross between a rumble and a roar, to her right. Turning to face it she saw a light approaching, obscured only slightly by the light mist and....flickering?

Another sound, like a metallic thump, came to her and she realized it was a motorcycle. A late model with the light that oscillated in the daytime for higher visibility.

She was just wondering whether it might be a good idea to hide behind the large tree to her left or the short stone obelisk to her right, when two other lights came on beside the large white one, blinking, one red, one blue.

No use hiding now, she thought as the rider passed the fence in the middle distance, besides, she had done nothing wrong.

That she knew of, her mind completed with a vague unease.

The cop stopped very close and her unease became a little more than vague as he dismounted the vehicle and approached her. He was a big man wearing the typical policeman's uniform and helmet.

"Let's see your HANDS, " he barked, and she obeyed without thinking, raising them to about shoulder level, palms out. As quickly as she did so the cop grabbed one wrist and stepped to her rear, twisting her arm down and behind her back in the same motion.

"OW....stop you're hurt.…“, she heard a click and felt the cold embrace of steel around her wrist as the cop grabbed the other wrist, forcing her to her knees as he finished handcuffing her.

He pulled her to her feet and stepped around in front of her again.

"What…?", she began, but the cop ignored her, speaking into the microphone at his lapel.

"We've got another one, suspend the operation and send a car out, now"

The reply was garbled but could be understood, "can't"

The cop looked at her and then down the road, then he grabbed her by the handcuffs and walked her rather rapidly over to the motorcycle. He said nothing but simply lifted her onto the vehicle, jamming her bound hands into the leather grab strap across the seat.

The big man leaned in close to the slender girl. "Hold on TIGHT, use your whole body, keep your feet on the pegs and sit up straight. If you fall off I can't stop for you and you'll most likely be dead anyway, understand?”

She nodded.

He climbed back on. She heard a click and a thump then was almost thrown off the back by the sudden acceleration, being caught by the motorcycle’s light post

There was a sound overhead like a whistling scream accompanied by heavy paper being torn and then the world exploded. She screamed and buried her head in the leather jacket over the cop’s broad back as a hot blast from behind pushed her forward. Out of the corner of her eye she caught a motion in the parabolic mirror. The tree she had been about to hide behind, which must have stood there for a hundred years, was falling over and where the stone column had been was nothing but yellow flames, the rest was smoke, and small bits of flying debris.

[silvermoon]

Excellent start, and it certainly made me want to keep reading. I couldn't see anything to fault it, TBH...keep up the good work.

[Esfires]

There are some mechanics that need working on: comma splicing, passive voice, filtering, and the like. But, you've got a good foundation.

The premise behind your start is fine, but it needs a little structural work. We have to care at least a little bit about this woman before we'll ever care about what's happening to her. Give us a reason to sympathize with her, (not with her situation, with her) in the first paragraphs. As it is, we don't even know her name.

[RcGrant]

Originally Posted by JoanDrake

It was COLD. I know why you capitalised "cold" but it made me pause and think on it, which could throw the reader off. Not really a big point either way, but it caught my attention

She wrapped her arms around her thin coat as a slight breeze blew across her bare legs. Darn these short school dresses and lightweight blazers, she'd give anything for a nice heavy coat. Something about this paragraph doesn't sit right for me. At first I thought she was carrying her coat in her arms. Also, it seems kinda...almost info-dumpy but in this pov (the second sentence).

She heard the sound , no space before comma a cross between a rumble and a roar Not sure if I can quite imagine this sound, to her right. Turning to face it she saw a light approaching, obscured only slightly by the light mist and....flickering? Repetition of light. "Slightly" seems out of place.

Another sound, like a metallic thump, came to her and she realized it was a motorcycle. A late model with the light that oscillated in the daytime for higher visibility. "Light" again.

She was just wondering "She wondered" provides more immediacy. whether it might be a good idea to hide behind the large tree to her left or the short stone obelisk to her right, when two other lights came on beside the large white one, blinking, one red, one blue. This last bit seems awkward.

No use hiding now, she thought as the rider passed the fence in the middle distance, besides, she had done nothing wrong. Sentence structure seems a bit clunky.

That she knew of, her mind completed with a vague unease.

The cop stopped very close and her unease became a little more than vague as he dismounted the vehicle and approached her. He was a big man wearing the typical policeman's uniform and helmet. "very", "little more than vague"? I'd scrap these.

"Let's see your HANDS, " No space before the speech marks. Why capitalise the "hands"? he barked, and she obeyed without thinking, raising them to about Scrap "about" shoulder level, palms out. As quickly as she did so the cop grabbed one wrist and stepped to her rear, twisting her arm down and behind her back in the same motion.

"OW....stop you're hurt.…“, Did you mean to add ellipsis here? If you mean to trail off, you'd be better off finishing the word but not the sentence. Mid-word implies a sharp stop, which is contradicted with the ellipsis. The punctuation is also wrong. "She heard a click" should technically be a new sentence. she heard a click and felt the cold embrace of steel around her wrist as the cop grabbed the other wrist, forcing her to her knees as he finished handcuffing her.

He pulled her to her feet and stepped around in front of her again.

"What…?", No need for the comma she began, but the cop ignored her, speaking into the microphone at his lapel.

"We've got another one, suspend the operation and send a car out, now" Sentence structure seems incorrect

The reply was garbled but could be understood, "can't" Punctuation again

The cop looked at her and then Scrap "then" down the road, then he grabbed her by the handcuffs and walked her rather Scrap "rather" rapidly over to the motorcycle. He said nothing but simply "He said nothing, lifting her onto the vehicle..." lifted her onto the vehicle, jamming her bound hands into the leather grab strap across the seat.

The big man leaned in close to the slender girl. The first sentence is just wrong. "Man" or "policeman" is fine for him. "Girl" is fine for her. It sounds a bit like bad fanfic when you've already introduced to the characters and then you label them using description. "Hold on TIGHT, use your whole body, keep your feet on the pegs and sit up straight. If you fall off I can't stop for you and you'll most likely be dead anyway, understand?” This seems like odd behaviour for a policeman, but I assume he is a bad guy or something...so I will go with it.

She nodded.

He climbed back on. She heard a click and a thump then was almost thrown off the back by the sudden acceleration, being caught by the motorcycle’s light post Sentence structure.

There was a sound overhead like a whistling scream accompanied by heavy paper being torn and then the world exploded. Punctuation She screamed and buried her head in the leather jacket over the cop’s broad back as a hot blast from behind pushed her forward. Out of the corner of her eye she caught a motion in the parabolic mirror. The tree she had been about to hide behind, which must have stood there for a hundred years, was falling over and where the stone column had been was nothing but yellow flames, the rest was smoke, and small bits of flying debris.

Interesting section. You seem to have a pretty good imagination. You may want to brush up on sentence structure and punctuation though -- they don't seem to be consistent in this piece.

[ctg]

Originally Posted by JoanDrake

It was so cold.

She wrapped her arms around her thin coat as a breeze blew down the road. Darn these short school dresses and lightweight blazers, I'd give anything for a nice heavy coat.

Three changes. First should be obvious as I just alternated passive sentence with one word to more active, more personal. The second one should reflect the first one overall feeling and third one should turn the last weird sentence to a personal thought.

In away that should explain what is wrong in this piece and when reader goes down the prose, they'll notice you go with a snap of fingers from a close third to a passive omniscient PoV.

Although that's not entirely wrong, your fluctuations read so strange. It is almost as if the narrator doesn't have a coherent voice. So think about what you're doing, when you go and write more in this story.

She heard the sound, a cross between a rumble and a roar, to her right. Turning to face it she saw a light approaching, obscured only slightly by the light mist and....flickering?

As a reader I'd like to find out where I'm standing, because I cannot image where the character is. I had to add the road to above example to give a slight hint, but in here the reader is standing in a void. Also read carefully the first and second sentence and you'll see the difference that I mentioned above.

Another sound, like a metallic thump, came to her and she realized it was a motorcycle. A late model with the light that oscillated in the daytime for higher visibility.

She was just wondering whether it might be a good idea to hide behind the large tree to her left or the short stone obelisk to her right, when two other lights came on beside the large white one, blinking, one red, one blue.

As a reader I'm still having hard time imagining where she is and what she's doing there. So a little bit of exposition wouldn't hurt. Not at this point, where the readers should get hooked to your prose.

No use hiding now, she thought as the rider passed the fence in the middle distance, besides, she had done nothing wrong.

That she knew of, her mind completed with a vague unease.

The cop stopped very close and her unease became a little more than vague as he dismounted the vehicle and approached her. He was a big man wearing the typical policeman's uniform and helmet.

"Let's see your HANDS, " he barked, and she obeyed without thinking, raising them to about shoulder level, palms out. As quickly as she did so the cop grabbed one wrist and stepped to her rear, twisting her arm down and behind her back in the same motion.

I have to say, this is so abstract. I know nothing about the world, I cannot see the street, road, city, or park. The characters come and go in an instant and weird things happen without you giving a reason. Yet, weirdly I want to keep reading to find out if there's going to be a info-drop down the line.

The big man leaned in close to the slender girl. "Hold on TIGHT, use your whole body, keep your feet on the pegs and sit up straight. If you fall off I can't stop for you and you'll most likely be dead anyway, understand?”

This is a good example of you going to omniscient POV from close third. The way you have written the copper indicates that the reader is watching the scene from third person. Another reason I want to stop here is the suspension of disbelief. A police officer wouldn't nick a person, because person is standing at the side of the road. They need to give a reason, and if they cannot arrange a transport they wouldn't try to transport them on back on the bike. There just isn't place for a passanger or can you see one?

She nodded.

He climbed back on. She heard a click and a thump then was almost thrown off the back by the sudden acceleration, being caught by the motorcycle’s light post

There was a sound overhead like a whistling scream accompanied by heavy paper being torn and then the world exploded. She screamed and buried her head in the leather jacket over the cop’s broad back as a hot blast from behind pushed her forward. Out of the corner of her eye she caught a motion in the parabolic mirror. The tree she had been about to hide behind, which must have stood there for a hundred years, was falling over and where the stone column had been was nothing but yellow flames, the rest was smoke, and small bits of flying debris.

I still don't know what's happening, where they were or where they are heading. So as a beginning, I'd like to continue, but a buyer, I'd pick something else.

[JoanDrake]

Thank you all for the critiques so far. I hope to get some more like them, helpful, instructive and encouraging. One question, does anyone know a really quick and reliable test for passive voice?...I seem to drop into it rather easily.

Oh, and beyond the critique. what a BEAUTIFUL motorcycle...it scares me just to look at and I can't even think of riding it, so I just MUST have one.

[Esfires]

The general indicator for passive voice is the presence of a form of "to be" (is, was, etc.). But keep in mind this is only an indicator, not a certain sign of passivity. There are plenty of cases in which using "was" has nothing at all to do with passive voice.

[JoanDrake]

Originally Posted by Esfires

The general indicator for passive voice is the presence of a form of "to be" (is, was, etc.). But keep in mind this is only an indicator, not a certain sign of passivity. There are plenty of cases in which using "was" has nothing at all to do with passive voice.

Thank you, that is very helpful. Is there any other, like the "he, him" rule for determining whether to use who or whom?

[The Judge]

Here's Peter's short tutorial from The Toolbox The Toolbox

The Toolbox as a whole is well worth reading when you've got a minute... er... half-an hour or so The Toolbox

[HareBrain]

What's it called again, TJ? I didn't quite catch it.

[Bowler1]

She heard the sound , a cross between a rumble and a roar, to her right. Turning to face it she saw a light approaching, obscured only slightly by the light mist and....flickering?

Another sound, like a metallic thump, came to her and she realized it was a motorcycle. A late model with the light that oscillated in the daytime for higher visibility.

She was just wondering whether it might be a good idea to hide behind the large tree to her left or the short stone obelisk to her right, when two other lights came on beside the large white one, blinking, one red, one blue.

No use hiding now, she thought as the rider passed the fence in the middle distance, besides, she had done nothing wrong.
I found some of the descriptions of the motorbike stopping a little odd. Less is more I think, let the reader do some of the work for you.

The cop stopped very close and her unease became a little more than vague as he dismounted the vehicle and approached her. He was a big man wearing the typical policeman's uniform – over use of description, what is a typical uniform? and helmet.

"Let's see your HANDS, " he barked, and she obeyed without thinking, raising them to about shoulder level, palms out. As quickly as she did so the cop grabbed one wrist and stepped to her rear, twisting her arm down and behind her back in the same motion.
Is she under arrest, what for, what charge? – realism is a problem for me here.

The big man leaned in close to the slender girl. "Hold on TIGHT, use your whole body, keep your feet on the pegs and sit up straight. If you fall off I can't stop for you and you'll most likely be dead anyway, understand?”
Realism again, sorry.

Not much wrong with your technical writing that I could see. Some heavy use of description which created different images in my mind to what eventually appeared, being the motorbike cop. Also realism, the arrest and dumping on the motorbike was very heavy handed and had me wondering what police force this was. I have seen cgt’s picture, he has got you there, but I would have forgiven you the seat detail if the policeman had felt more real. The scene felt rushed to me. This did not work for me, sorry.

[The Judge]

It's not what it looked like when I drafted it! I didn't know the linky things would link like that -- they often look like... er... different linky things.

Anyway, some of us have short memories around here so it will be helpful to repeat... er... some of us have short memories around here so...

[ctg]

Originally Posted by The Judge

It's not what it looked like when I drafted it! I didn't know the linky things would link like that -- they often look like... er... different linky things.

Anyway, some of us have short memories around here so it will be helpful to repeat... er... some of us have short memories around here so...

Bless. A blond moment, eh? Fear not, I'm permanently blond, but I absolutely loved finding out that there's a softer side.