Revised 3000ths post critique...

[crystal haven]

I'm afraid I don't like this as much, Vertigo.

[Vertigo]

Ah well not to worry you've got to explore these things

Thanks for the honest response Crystal and Shane! I can still use it as a basis for when they do go to the surface but I can remove a lot of the info stuff from it!

[Bowler1]

I would prefer to older starting point as it introduced the crew and the reason why the ship was being diverted. This section could be the 2nd or 3rd section and for plot structure it would work just fine.

I’m not quite done with you, sorry dude. Old habits die hard it would seem. This section is a different part of the plot but with the same problems as the old section. The opening 4 to 5 paragraphs are heavy and are mostly telling, not easy to get through. But you have all the makings to break this up but you never used the opportunities when presented. A shuttle overloaded, Chris could have cracked a joke about how overloaded they seemed, or Sam could have worried about how heavy the ship was. He could have felt excited, getting ready to take the shuttle out etc. The opportunities to use dialogue/internal thoughts (paragraph 3 does have thoughts, but was a little overworked, sorry mate) to break up the heavy info dumpish sections.

Once passed these opening paragraphs and dialogue kicks in and it pulls me in. Raised eyebrows, little jokes, it’s all there and reads wonderfully. You have all the information a SciFi fan like me wants when reading, and I have no doubt it’s accurate. But you don’t need to give it to me all at once and, trust me a little, I know a thing or two myself about this stuff and I don’t need detailed, detail (well, not all the time but some is nice – I know, I’m a fussy bu**er).

Keep your characters to the fore (which you do well), drip the info in. Every SciFi member has the same problem, we have to explain things while a crappy old fantasy sword, is still just a sword.

I’ll put my soapbox away again now, laters.

[The Judge]

Originally Posted by Bowler1

Every SciFi member has the same problem, we have to explain things while a crappy old fantasy sword, is still just a sword.

Want me to list the differences between a zweihänder, a rapier and a cinquedea...?

[Bowler1]

No thank you, Judge, I used google for your swords.

Not usually an option for made up spaceships. However I accept the point you made, especially when made with pointy things!

[Vertigo]

Thanks for that Bowler and I pretty much agree with you. This was really just a first draft to see if it might work better as an opening.

I had originally planned to have it later (as you suggest) and in that case a fair bit will already be known which should make things easier.

Overdoing the info dumping is always going to be a problem for me I suspect. I have spent twenty years teaching computer programming commercially. We typically only have a week (or less) to teach the subject and yet my biggest teaching flaw is that I always want to tell the delegates everything. Not really possible to pack 35 odd years of experience into a week

[Bowler1]

You can have your info dumping mate and for someone like me it won't be a problem. Little bite sized amounts please, hidden among character development. If you can mix those two together with a nice balance, well, sign me up.

Laters.

[Gary Compton]

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Originally Posted by Vertigo

The galley was large enough to seat all six members of the Searcher’s crew. Just This sentence is telling IMO Searcher's crew of six just managed to sit in the galley. And, arriving late, Sam Jennings had to do a bit of squeezing and shoving squeezed and shoved to establish a space for himself.

Such formal meetings were rare in the course of a survey tour and, in the buzz of conversation around him, he could hear the ship’s rumour mill overflowing. Sam couldn’t be bothered; they’d know in a minute anyway. He was just glad he’d arrived before the Captain. Not that he’d have been bawled out but it would have been just plain embarrassing.


The arrival of Captain Jim Bell, brought an abrupt hush. He This could be more active. Captain Jim Bell stood at the door, the galley went quiet, his steady gaze taking in all the crew, huddled as they were around the single table. We already know this. He did not appear look happy.


Sam stifled a yawn and caught the Captain looking at him with raised eyebrows and a wry smile. “I apologise for dragging some of you from your pits.”


As Sam muttered an apology, his ribs received a well aimed jab from Dave Smith. The Engineering Technician sat next to him. was grinning with mischievous glee. I dont think you need this, the jab in the ribs is enough.


“Although we are now heading for home We're heading home,” the Captain continued, “we and are still under Operational Command. But I’m waiving that for now. We need a rapid decision and it’s strategic not tactical.”


Every crew member had invested in the Searcher, some more than others maybe, but that gave them all the right to a say in strategic decisions, if not tactical ones.


“It’s been a long haul. and I know you’re all looking forward to home.”


That should have come with a smile, but no, and that worried Sam. He saw the same concern mirrored in the faces around him,. It had been a long haul and Sam, for one, nobody wanted it getting did not want it getting any longer.


“I’m sure rumours have been flying around since we picked up that the remote courier Rumours have been rife since we picked up the remote courier.” A few self-conscious chuckles ran through the assembly. “Well, those nice people at the Interstellar Survey Service have asked us to do a little detour.”


The deep tones of Pat Driscot, the Chief Engineer and oldest member of the crew, rose above the predictable grumble of protest. “No way, Captain. Six months out and they want us to do more. That might be all well and good on one of those luxury liners ISS call survey ships, but the Searcher, she just isn’t big enough for tours this long.” Good


“Pat, I sympathise and agree. However, they have only asked, they cannot command. We decide whether to accept the detour.” He paused. “The ISS astronomers have found an interesting new planet and they want us to take a look.”


“Excuse me, Captain,” Sam put in over the renewed babble of complaints, “we’ve used the last our last remote survey probes, our hold has no space for any more samples and we have no remote couriers left. Exactly what kind of survey do they expect us to achieve?”


“Yes, I know, Sam, and to be fair, so do ISS. They only want a preliminary survey, to establish exactly what’s needed for a full one. I know what you’re capable of with just the shipboard sensors, and the shuttle can be adapted. We’ll just have to make do with what we’ve got.


“They want results fast and we’re the closest.” He paused. “Their analysis suggests that this could be a fertile planet. A very fertile planet. They think it might even hold more life than Earth itself.”


“Oh, come on, Captain.” Smith protested from beside Sam. “How many times have they said that sort of thing? And how many times have they been right? Never. It’ll just be another wild goose chase.” Sam glanced at Smith. He had to agree; life, and indeed hospitable planets, had proved rather more elusive than people had hoped.

Ran out of time on the last few para's Vertigo. I think you have a good story here. Like most of us, you sometimes tell rather than show. And have too many words the reader can take for granted. Good job though

[Vertigo]

Thanks for that Gary, some nice re-wordings there.

All the help on this piece has been really useful and I have learnt a lot, which is great. Though I'm thinking now of re-working it somewhat.

I originally had a considerably larger crew but having taken this down to just 6 I think I need things to be somewhat less formal. Still the basic same ideas, but the emphasis changed. For example with just 6 crew if something execeptional happened (like the arrival of the remote courier) everyone would know about it straight away and it would likely get discussed straight away. With a larger crew it would be more likely to be discussed amongst the senior officers before the rest of the crew but not I suspect with a crew of 6. Especially since it is not critical news requiring secrecy or anything of that nature. Also If I want them to have been out for a long time they would really have to have had a little more space than I have suggested.

So a little re-working is in order!

[RJM Corbet]

The main shuttle bay doors unlocked with a muffled but still unnerving clunk. The air had already been evacuated from the bay and so the sound had reached Sam’s ears directly through the structure of the ship. He often wondered just how loud that clunk would be in normal air but he also trusted he would never get to find out.

Sam twisted around in his seat to contemplate the mess of survey equipment filling the rear of the shuttle. The bay doors unlocked with a muffled but still unnerving clunk. The air had already been evacuated from the bay, so the sound could only reach his ears directly through the structure of the ship itself. He wondered what they had forgotten; there was always something. He eyed the the ‘mini’ refinery crammed into the back. They only had fuel for one descent. If they had to take off before processing enough then that was it, return to the surface would be impossible.

Maybe they could locate a suitable icy asteroid and refine fuel from that. But weeks, maybe months, would be wasted. and by then it seemed likely the Interstellar Survey Service would have one of their own ships here. This once in a lifetime Their window of opportunity would be lost.

With a jolt the hydraulic launch platform began lifting the shuttle through the now fully open doors. As they cleared the Searcher’s artificial gravity field, Sam braced himself for the transition from weight to weightlessness as they cleared the Searcher’s artificial gravity field. He always found it nauseatingly unsettling to feel his feet still firmly planted on the deck as first his lungs and then his stomach went into free fall. A quick check confirmed one of the time honoured sick-bags was within easy reach. He really hoped he wouldn’t need it; but bag or no bag, vomiting in free fall was invariably messy. The hydraulic lift stopped with a second jolt. Bag unneeded, It still took Sam a couple of deliberate swallows to settle things.

Chris Dunmore swung around in the pilot’s seat and grinned broadly. “Everyone ready for the roller coaster?” ...

Then on from there? I think you're trying to cram too many words/facts/observations into this intro. Essentials are all that matter in these first few (all important) paras?