How would you rewrite this? 700 words.

[Philosopher]

Hi all,

I'm really struggling to get dialogue and action (be it simple things like someone standing up during conversation and being told to sit back down) to flow together.

Critiques of my previous posts have said that my of changing point of view needs work, and that my dialogue is too real life esque rather than the essence of conversation as a written piece should be.

So, here's a snippit of my WIP, please tell me how you'd rewrite this to flow well, make sense and be ready for good reading. If you'd rather not dive into too much detail, any general pointers would be 100% appreciated!

------


‘Enough about us.’ Mattias said. ‘What brings you back to me?’ He looked at James, who returned a blank stare. Back to you? I never came to you in the first place!

‘We’re trying to find my sister and my father. We need to know why they left us.’ Henry said.

‘Ah yes, dear old Nicola!’ The weird old man replied. Henry looked at him sternly, desperately hoping that he might know something. How could he know her name?

‘Mentioned her before. Don’t get your hopes up.’ James butted in. Henry sighed, dissapointed, hopeless.

‘Well I’m here to help!’ Mattias said. ‘You just have to, just have to! Trust me, see.’ As he talked only his head moved, the rest of his body was as upright as a tree and as stable as one too. His legs crossed calmly like the roots and his hair wisped like snow covered branches in the wind.

The boys sat, waiting for him to elaborate. But the old man had closed his eyes, he was perfectly still now, even his head. You couldn’teven see his breathing. They found him so annoyingly weird.

‘We need to get to the Blue Lakes,’ James said. Mattias said nothing, and after a long, aggravating gap in the conversation, Walter took it upon himself to say something.

‘They are directly southwest of here. You could get there in a day if you walked fast enough,’ Walter said.

Henry stood. ‘Let’s go then, we’ve no time to wait,’ He said. The three boys understood. They’d just slept after all. They could travel for now, sleep again later.

‘No!’ Mattias cracked. Then he giggled. ‘Startled you!’ his tone said he did it on purpose. ‘You’re tired. Sleep more. We will take you to the Blue Lakes in the morning.’ He said. ‘Come, sit sit, just for a bit, trust me, trust. Trust. Then go if you wish.’

Henry sat again slowly, confused. Expecting Mattias to say something, the boys waited silently. He said nothing. Moved not once.

Henry made to get up again.

‘Wait, wait. Rest would you. Better to rest!’ Mattias said as soon as Henry had made the slightest way to standing.

He dropped back down onto the ground.

‘I don’t need rest! I need to find my sister.’

‘You need rest. You’re done in! You haven’t slept properly in weeks. Worry too much. Too negative!’ The old man's eyes were still closed, meditating. Henry looked at him, bewildered. The old man was right. But was it that obvious?

‘I can’t Sl...’ his voice showed his true signs of tiredness, as if Mattias had brought them to the surface for him, and before he could finish,

Mattias said ‘Shhh,’slowly, enchantingly, as if the trees whispered the sound all around them.

James felt really sleepy, even though he’d woken not long ago, he felt as if he’d been working all day, ready for bed. The air got warmer, everything felt cosier, the comfort an invisible blanket was being wrapped around him. Then Henry dozed off. He slumped onto the floor and simply fell asleep, calmly resting, breathing lightly.

‘What the hell?’ Tom said, sleepy, dosing.

‘Looks like he fell asleep. More tired than he thought!’Mattias cackled. When he spoke again, the air stopped whispering shhh and they all felt alive again, the nights air felt cool once more. Henry slept as sound as a baby now. ‘Let him sleep,’ Mattias said as he pulled some smoking pipes from his pocket. ‘Care for some Whisptree?’ He asked, handing the pipes around.

[springs]

Hiya, I tried to rewrite, but it was getting messy, so I'll comment instead, if that's okay.
‘Enough about us.comma - if you're going onto a Mattias said’ Mattias said. ‘What brings you back to me?’ He looked at James, who returned a blank stare. Back to you? I never came to you in the first place! - here I got confused, if it's James' thoughts, as I think it is, we should be in James' pov. I'd italicise them if so.

‘We’re trying to find my sister and my father. We need to know why they left us.,’ Henry said.

‘Ah yes, dear old Nicola!’ The weird old man replied - I wondered why it was an exclamation. Even more, I wondered why he was weird? I'd have liked to be shown. Also, later I think it turns out he's Mattias - I think you need to make that clear, now.

Henry looked at him sternly, desperately hoping that he might know something. How could he know her name?here you switch to Henry's pov, really all you should be able to know is what James can see. You could put "How could he know her name?" to keep things moving on.

‘Mentioned her before. Don’t get your hopes up.,’ James butted in. Henry sighed, dissapointed, hopeless.

‘Well I’m here to help!’ Mattias said. ‘You just have to, just have to! I'd lose the ! and make this one sentence. Trust me, see.’ As he talked only his head moved, the rest of his body was as upright as a tree and as stable as one too. His legs crossed calmly like the roots and his hair wisped like snow covered branches in the wind. I couldn't imagine the staying still and stable and then the legs crossing. If they were already crossed it needs to be clearer.

The boys sat, waiting for him to elaborate. But the old man had closed his eyes, he was perfectly still now, even his head. You couldn’teven see his breathing. They found him so annoyingly weird. We can't know a they thought, unless you're in omnipresent narrator, and this seems a bit close to be in that. (someone who's good a pov might comment, I'm hopeless at it.)

‘We need to get to the Blue Lakes,’ James said. Mattias said nothing, and after a long, aggravating gap in the conversation, Walter took it upon himself to say something.

‘They are directly southwest of here. You could get there in a day if you walked fast enough,’ Walter saidI don't think you need to say who it was - we know. .

Henry stood. ‘Let’s go then, we’ve no time to wait,’ He said. - I'd drop. then I'd take a new paragraph. The three boys understood. They’d just slept after all. They could travel for now, sleep again later.

‘No!’ Mattias cracked. Then he giggled. ‘Startled you!’ his tone said he did it on purpose. - I kind of got that, I think you could drop it. ‘You’re tired. Sleep more. We will take you to the Blue Lakes in the morning.c’ heHe said. ‘Come, sit sit, just for a bit, trust me, trustI like the way you've captured his voice.. Trust. Then go if you wish.’

Henry sat again slowly, confused. Expecting Mattias to say something, the boys waited silently. He said nothing. Moved not once.

Henry made to get up again.

‘Wait, wait. Rest would you. Better to rest!’ Mattias said as soon as Henry had made the slightest way to standing.

He dropped back down onto the ground.

‘I don’t need rest! I need to find my sister.’

‘You need rest. You’re done in! You haven’t slept properly in weeks. Worry too much. Too negative!’ The old man's eyes were still closed, meditating.as if meditating puts the pov back with the boys. Henry looked at him, bewildered. The old man was right. But was it that obvious?But we're with Henry.

‘I can’t Sl...’ his voice showed his true signs of tiredness, as if Mattias had brought them to the surface for him, and before he could finish,

Mattias said ‘Shhh,’slowly, enchantingly, as if the trees whispered the sound all around them.

James felt really sleepy, even though he’d woken not long ago, he felt as if he’d been working all day, ready for bed. The air got warmer, everything felt cosier, the comfort an invisible blanket was being wrapped around him. Then Henry dozed off. He slumped onto the floor and simply fell asleep, calmly resting, breathing lightly.

‘What the hell?’ Tom said, sleepy, dosing.

‘Looks like he fell asleep. More tired than he thought!’Mattias cackled. When he spoke again, the air stopped whispering shhh and they all felt alive again, the nights air felt cool once more. Henry slept as sound as a baby now. ‘Let him sleep,’ Mattias said as he pulled some smoking pipes from his pocket. ‘Care for some Whisptree?’ He asked, handing the pipes around.[/QUOTE]

I think you've nailed it on the head, Philosopher, it's the point of view that's shifting. For me, what sometimes helps (and I was a serial head hopper, almost incurable) is to write it in 1st person from one of these people. So his thoughts, only. the other way I used to do it was to imagine I was sitting on one of their shoulder's and could only see the scene from there. So, no thoughts from anyone else. But I could see and hear their expressions and use that to guide the reader.
Not sure if it's any help.

[Bowler1]

‘Enough about us.’ Mattias said. ‘W hat brings you back to me?’ He looked at James, who returned a blank stare. Back to you? I never came to you in the first place!
Who is staring back, James of Mattias? Is the last bit dialogue?

‘We’re trying to find my sister and my father. We need to know why they left us.’ Henry said.

‘Ah yes, dear old Nicola!’ The weird old man replied. Henry looked at him sternly, desperately hoping that he might know something. How could he know her name?

‘Mentioned her before. Don’t get your hopes up.’ James butted in. Henry sighed, dissapointed, hopeless.
James – then Henry, also old man so my poor head is spinning.

‘Well I’m here to help!’ Mattias said. ‘You just have to, just have to! Trust me, see.’ As he talked only his head moved, the rest of his body was as upright as a tree and as stable as one too. His legs crossed calmly like the roots and his hair wisped like snow covered branches in the wind.
Weird, interestingly weird and perked up my attention levels.

The boys sat, waiting for him to elaborate. But the old man had closed his eyes, he was perfectly still now, even his head. You couldn’teven see his breathing. They found him so annoyingly weird.


I’m changing some text here.
‘We need to get to the Blue Lakes,’ James said.
Mattias said nothing.
After a long, aggravating gap in the conversation, Walter took it upon himself to say something. ‘They are directly southwest of here. You could get there in a day if you walked fast enough.’
Henry stood. ‘Let’s go then, we’ve no time to wait.’
The three boys understood. They’d just slept after all. They could travel for now, sleep again later.
I’m stopping here but this feels better to me.

‘No!’ Mattias cracked. Then he giggled. ‘Startled you!’ his tone said he did it on purpose. ‘You’re tired. Sleep more. We will take you to the Blue Lakes in the morning.’ He said. ‘Come, sit sit, just for a bit, trust me, trust. Trust. Then go if you wish.’

Henry sat again slowly, confused. Expecting Mattias to say something, the boys waited silently. He said nothing. Moved not once. I don’t like the line ending.

Henry made to get up again.

‘Wait, wait. Rest would you. Better to rest!’ Mattias said as soon as Henry had made the slightest way to standing.

He dropped back down onto the ground.

‘I don’t need rest! I need to find my sister.’

‘You need rest. You’re done in! You haven’t slept properly in weeks. Worry too much. Too negative!’ The old man's eyes were still closed, meditating.
Break in the line would help me with the character switch.
Henry looked at him, bewildered. The old man was right. But was it that obvious?

‘I can’t Sl...’ his voice showed his true signs of tiredness, as if Mattias had brought them to the surface for him, and before he could finish,
Your confusing me as to which character is which, here I’m not sure if it is Henry or Mattias.

Mattias said ‘Shhh,’slowly, enchantingly, as if the trees whispered the sound all around them.
I like that line – ‘shhh,’ Mattias whispered – would be my preference.

James felt really sleepy, Full stop?Even though he’d woken not long ago, he felt as if he’d been working all day, and was – I suspect a comma splice here ready for bed. The air got warmer, everything felt cosier, the comfort an invisible blanket was being wrapped around him. Then Henry dozed off. He slumped onto the floor and simply fell asleep, calmly resting, breathing lightly.
Some punctuation here it feels wrong. Hopefully more technical members will be along to correct, correctly.

Ok, Philosopher. Still some head hopping going on and some of it was really quick and was very hard to follow. Your allowing every character their say and it’s hard on the reader. I like to set the scenes where no more than 3 characters talk and if there are more, the conversation is dominated by three with just the odd comment if needed from other characters. This is not how real life would be, but I find it easier to present when writing. Better yet, POV from one character as they see the conversation. In general I thought your dialogue was fine (ignoring head hopping of course), even the old man came across. The old man is a difficult character to read at the moment, I can see what you’re trying to do and it’s close to the mark but not quite there, for me anyway. Punctuation was off in some sections and line breaks between characters could have been clearer.

The section was quirky and because of that I found it interesting.

[Jake Reynolds]

Hey Philosopher, I’m assuming there is a degree of scene setting stuff here. For the moment, as it is, we have no idea where they are, how many people there are (Walter appears out of nowhere, and then suddenly someone named Tom), what the time period is, the age of the brothers, and so on.

I think re-writing it is not necessarily a useful exercise as it won’t allow your voice to develop. However, in terms of advice, apart from what the other folks have said:

Avoid using phrases like ‘They found him so annoyingly weird’. We should only know what one of the brothers is thinking, not what all three of them are. Even if you’re writing in third person omniscient, you shouldn’t clump together opinions in one basket. Otherwise, why have three brothers at all? Why not just one?

Also, nobody is doing anything between the dialogue. If you consider what we all do as we speak; sip coffee, scratch our noses, crack knuckles, etc, people are always in motion, so try to capture that a little. For example:

‘But enough about us.’ Mattias rubbed his palms together as he spoke, and Henry’s skin crawled as the old man’s dry palms rasped together. ‘What brings you back to me?’

‘We’re trying to find our sister and father,’ Henry replied after a quick glance across at James, who stared blankly at the old man. ‘We need to know why they left us.’

‘Ah yes, dear old Nicola!’ Mattias cackled, and Henry fancied he saw dust billow out as he clapped his hands together.

‘How do you know that name?’

‘Mentioned her before,’ James said before the old man could answer. ‘Don’t get your hopes up.’

Mattias swivelled his gaze onto Henry, and in his eyes he saw something…strange. Perhaps the old man had decided that Henry was the most gullible. ‘Trust me,’ he said, and the light in his eyes seemed to sparkle even more brightly. ‘Now watch.’

It is very difficult to get an idea of what is happening from a snippet with no framing narrative at all. Fill in the gaps with what the pov character senses. Though the tree simile is an attempt at this, it doesn’t really work given that there is no setting around it.

Anyway, hope this helps!

[ctg]

You can see from underneath how I did it from single POV.

Originally Posted by Philosopher

‘Enough about us.’ Matt waved his hand and silenced murmuring. 'Why are you back here?'

Henry looked for a moment blankly ahead. Not knowing what to say. 'I... We,' he started. But it wasn't easy. Nearly nobody had believed them. 'We're trying to find my father and sister.' He raised his eyes and looked Matt in the eyes. 'We...' he gestured the others. '...we cannot understand why they left--'

'--Ah yes,' the weird old man cut in. 'Dear old Nicola.'

Henry glanced him and though how that denture suckling fleabag could know her name. It was almost as if he had read his mind as the old man shook his finger and said, 'Mentioned her before. Don't get your--'

'--hopes up.' Henry sighed, feeling disappointed and utterly hopeless. This was no going well. What could these people do? Nothing. Absolutely, fu..

‘Well...' Matias stretched his neck, his back like a giraffe and said, 'I’m here to help! You just have to, just have to! Trust me, see.’ As he talked only his head moved, the rest of his body was as upright as a tree and as stable as one too. His legs crossed calmly like the roots and his hair wisped like snow covered branches in the wind.

The boys sat still, waiting for him to elaborate. But the old man had closed his eyes and he was perfectly still. Not even his head moved. It was as if he'd had suddenly died. Henry couldn't believe eyes, his ears as not only he couldn't see old man breathing, he certainly couldn't hear his nostrils whining. And that was so annoyingly weird.

Suddenly he felt a nudge on his side and heard James saying, 'We need to get to the Blue Lakes.' Henry nodded. That felt right. So right and the boys erupted in long, aggravated conversation that ended, when Walter finally said, 'We could get there in a day if we walked fast. I know the way. It's just South-west from here.'

Henry stood up and said, ‘Let’s go then, we’ve no time to wait.’

‘No,’ Matt shouted. A big grin burst across his face as he started giggling and pointing fingers at the boys. ‘Startled you! Didn't I?’ Then just before Henry made his move to leave, he was back being serious. 'You’re tired. Sleep more. We will take you to the Blue Lakes in the morning.’ He said. ‘Come, sit sit, just for a bit, trust me, trust. Trust. Then go if you wish.’

Henry sat again slowly, confused. Expecting Matt to say something, the boys waited silently. But there was not even a word. Not a move. The old man was back being silent like a log. And Henry sighed deep before he got back up again.

‘Wait, wait.' Matt grabbed his hand and pulled him back down. 'Rest would you. Better to rest!’

Henry shook his head sullenly and yanked his hand free. ‘I don’t need rest,' he said loudly in old man's ear. 'I need to find my sister. Do you hear--’

Matt waved his hand in the air as if hand had suddenly come lose. ‘You need rest. You’re done in. You haven’t slept properly in weeks! Worry too much. Too negative!’ The old man's eyes were still closed, meditating. Henry looked at him, bewildered. The old man was right. But was it that obvious?

‘I can’t sle--’ His voice showed his true signs of tiredness, as if the old man had brought them to the surface for him, and before he could finish Matt shushed slowly, enchantingly, as if the trees whispered the sound all around them.

I'll stop there and I hope that you'll see it can be done very easily from single POV. You just need to focus on the perspective and use the thoughts and feeling to deliver the description.

[Philosopher]

Okay everyone thank you so much for your advice, I will see what I can come up with in the next draft.

ctg, many thanks for the rewrite, it really demonstrates how these things can be done.

[Peter Graham]

You're asking the wrong question. I think you should really be asking "how do I write dialogue so as not to need all these endless signifiers and qualifiers?"

It's the dialogue equivalent of telling rather than showing. If someone is asking something quizzically, we should ideally be able to tell that from what they say - you shouldn't also need to tell us that they are arching their eyebrows or that they have a questioning look on their face. Do a bit of it for colour, by all means, but otherwise you can trust readers to keep up. Too much explaining also slows the story and ramps up the wordcount.

Take the following alternatives:-

One

"Fancy a pint, Peter?" said Dave.

"I'd generally sooner eat my own vomit than be seen out in public with a shambling tramp like you - but it's Friday, so go on then," said Peter.

"Charming."

"I love you really."

Two

"Fancy a pint, Peter?" asked Dave in an inviting voice.

Peter turned to him with a glint of mischief in his eye.

"I'd generally sooner eat my own vomit than go out with you." he replied in a joking tone.

"Charming," parried Dave, pretending that he was offended although he wasn't really.

"I love you really," laughed Peter sarcastically.


There is - or should be - nothing in Two which is not blindingly obvious in One. Yet One manages it without the endless signposts and explanations.

Regards,

Peter

[Philosopher]

Hi all,

Heres a little edit / second attempt at getting it all to flow from one POV. Or at least so I think, I've tried to write it as if James was watching / participating in it all, from his POV. Please tell me what you think. I should also say that there's a lot of scene setting in the previous parts, so please assume you know about the characters, how they got there, who is there and why they are there. Perhaps one day once the WIP has come together, you can read it all

-------------------------------

Henry stood. ‘Let’s go then, we’ve no time to wait,’

‘We can travel through the night, we’ve just slept,’ James agreed.

‘No!’ Mattias cracked. Then he giggled, ‘Oops, startled you! You’re tired. Sleep more. We will take you to the Blue Lakes in the morning,’ he said. ‘Come, sit sit, just for a bit, trust me, trust. Trust. Then go if you wish,’ he raised his hand, his eyes still closed, the rest of his body as still as a rock, until Henry finally sat.

Then he lowered his hand again and rested his palms in his lap.

After a long silence, ‘I’ve got no time for your games,’ Henry made to get up again.

‘Wait, wait. Rest would you. Better to Rest, haven’t all slept!’ ‘Wait. Rest. Would you just!. Better to rest!’ Mattias said as soon as Henry had made the slightest to standing. He dropped back down onto the ground.

‘I don’t need rest! I need to find my sister.’

‘You need rest. You’re done in! You haven’t slept properly in weeks. Worry too much. Too negative!’

James wondered how Mattias knew that Henry hadn’t slept properly, he personally couldn’t see a sign of fatigue anywhere his friends face and he only knew they’d spoken of Henry’s lack of sleep earlier.

‘I can’t Sl...’ Henry started, but as if his true tiredness had been drawn to the surface, his words slowed and slurred.

‘Sssshhhh,’ Mattias whispered slowly, enchantingly, as if the trees echoed the sound all around them.

James felt really sleepy. Even though he’d woken not long ago, he felt as if he’d been working all day, ready for bed. The air got warmer, everything felt cosier and the comfort of an invisible blanket was wrapping around him.

Then he saw Henry slump onto the floor. The thud of his friends head hitting the floor woke him a little. He worried for Henry, whose breathing was heavy, frantic, as if his tensions had prevented him from oxygen, he gathered it all back as his muscles slowly relaxed in deep sleep.

‘Looks like he fell asleep. More tired than he thought!’ Mattias cackled and since he spoke again, the air stopped whispering shhh and James felt alive again. The night’s air felt cool once more. ‘Let him sleep, the fool needs it!’ Mattias said as he pulled some smoking pipes from his pocket. ‘Care for some Whisptree?’ He handed the pipes around.

‘He’s not a fool!’ James said, clenching his fist.

‘Can’t even look after himself, idiot doesn’t even know when to sleep! Even babies know when they’re tired,’ the old man laughed pitifully at Henry, who’d curled himself into a ball, his breathing was still so heavy like a wild animal distressed.

[Philosopher]

Peter Graham you just summed it up beautifully thank you! Alternative one had me laughing! Alternative two was mundane. Makes perfect sense. Now to practise!

Two hundred and fifty thousand words ago I thought that writing was easy. How wrong I was.

[Bowler1]

Henry stood. ‘Let’s go then, we’ve no time to wait,’ Full stop

‘We can travel through the night, we’ve just slept,’ James agreed.

‘No!’ Mattias cracked. Then he giggled, ‘Oops, startled you! You’re tired. Sleep more. We will take you to the Blue Lakes in the morning,’ he said. ‘Come, sit. Full stopSit, just for a bit, trust me, trust. Trust. Then go if you wish,’ I would like a full stop here he raised his hand, his eyes still closed, the rest of his body as still as a rock, until Henry finally sat.

Then he lowered his hand again and rested his palms in his lap.

After a long silence, I think a full stop here as well ‘I’ve got no time for your games,’ Henry made to get up again. This is where I put some feeling in - games,’ fumed Henry, the old man was frustrating him and he wanted to get going. – Henry’s thoughts would make it more personal and I think help draw the reader in.

‘Wait, wait. Rest would you. Better to Rest, haven’t all slept!’ Why are the speech tags here? ‘Wait. Rest. Would you just!. ! or . not both Better to rest!’ Mattias said comma as soon as Henry had made the slightest move to standing. He dropped back down onto the ground. Mattias is talking to Henry so this reads as if Mattias fell to the ground when he can’t as he is already sitting. New line, start with Henry – Henry dropped etc.

‘I don’t need rest! I need to find my sister.’ This belongs on the back of the new line I recommended above. I’d put emotion here – said Henry, as he fought back tears of frustration – helps with POV from one character but mostly, adds weight to punch the reader right between the eyes – POW!
Or similar, I may have got a little carried away!

‘You need rest. You’re done in! You haven’t slept properly in weeks. Worry too much. Too negative!’

James wondered how Mattias knew that Henry hadn’t slept properly, he personally couldn’t see a sign of fatigue anywhere his friends face and he only knew they’d spoken of Henry’s lack of sleep earlier. This is the first time we have character thoughts, it’s a nice POV.

‘I can’t Sl...’ Henry started, but as if his true tiredness had been drawn to the surface, his words slowed and slurred.

‘Sssshhhh,’ Mattias whispered slowly, enchantingly, as if the trees echoed the sound all around them. – something of this line looks familiar! A nice complement thank you.

James felt really sleepy. I think we have head hopped here, feels like we have. If this is a single section the thoughts I think would feel better coming from Henry. Instead we have all the action from Henry and the thoughts from James and it felt odd to me. Even though he’d woken not long ago, he felt as if he’d been working all day, ready for bed. The air got warmer, everything felt cosier and the comfort of an invisible blanket was wrapping around him.

Then he saw Henry slump onto the floor. The thud of his friends head hitting the floor woke him a little. He worried for Henry, whose breathing was heavy, frantic, as if his tensions had prevented him from oxygen, he gathered it all back as his muscles slowly relaxed in deep sleep.
I have problems with the flow of this line.

‘Looks like he fell asleep. More tired than he thought!’ Mattias cackled Recommendation only - Full stop - Since he spoke again the air stopped whispering and James felt awake again.– Let the line flow. The night’s air felt cool once more. ‘Let him sleep, could be two separate lines the fool needs it!’ Mattias said comma as he pulled some smoking pipes from his pocket. ‘Care for some Whisptree?’ He handed the pipes around. – An action/statement that is padding, the dialogue tells us already.

‘He’s not a fool!’ James said, clenching his fist. – Internal thoughts could add emotion here as it is James POV in this section. The emotions is implied and not stated. The Henry above is for ideas only as it is now clearly James POV.

‘Can’t even look after himself, idiot doesn’t even know when to sleep! Even babies know when they’re tired,’ the old man laughed pitifully at Henry, who’d curled himself into a ball, his breathing was still so heavy like a wild animal distressed.

It was a much better read Philosopher. Some of my thoughts above for you to take away. When it comes to the technical grammar I’m still getting to grips myself so please compare against other members, but there were a few oversights. I don’t think I ever thought writing was easy but I used to think it was easier. Anyway, it flowed along well and was a lot easier to follow.

[springs]

I thought it was much clearer, easier to follow, and from the single pov.

Re. dialogue punctuation, if you're continuing to a descriptor of the speech, it's a comma so:

"It's my turn," she said. Or

She said, "It's my turn."

If you're going on to an action, it's a full stop:

"It's my turn." She stood up. or

She stood up. "It's my turn."

[Kaldaur]

I assumed we've been dumped in somewhere along the novel's trajectory, which is why there is no introduction for these characters.

There did seem to be too much head-hopping going on, or, if I read that incorrectly and all the thoughts were coming from one individual, then that needs to be clarified. From the get-go, I wasn't sure who was sending us the internal thoughts, and furthermore, they were not set aside by italics. It's necessary to delineate so the reader is not confused and forced to re-read a passage once they understand that a character is thinking instead of providing scene description.

[JoanDrake]

I can’t make heads or tails of what’s going on here except in a very general way, so doing, a complete rewrite would be impossible for me. It would maybe be a very bad mistake too, because I’ve read whole novels written like this and found them very entertaining once I learned how to keep up with what was going on.. Many stories are told as much by the style of the writer as the content he is depicting.

The character of the old man is intriguing. Is he a magician who put some of them to sleep with a sort of mind control? And what is this whisptree?

My own suggestion is to find another passage, perhaps an earlier one when this unique style is just being established. It’s very interesting and well written, but it’s also confusing to just be tossed right into the middle of something like this. (Mind you, I LIKE that, but it's just hard as dickens to critique short passages from )