Emmisary (about 1300 words)...

[Darth Angelus]

This is my first request for critique.
Just a very short description of the background before the text itself...

It is basically about an human empire, named Latak, that is militarily aggressive towards its (human) neighbours. The Immortals, an unaging (and very mighty) guardian race of the world, is not tolerating that, and their queen goes to negotiate with the Latakian emperor for a peaceful settlement. At first, the queen tries to resolve the situation with generous offers in return for the cessation of hostilities, but being refused, she hands them an ultimatum, saying that lack compliance to her requests would force her people to act against the empire.
The emperor says he will consider it for a day, and the audience is dismissed. The story goes on after that.

Oh, by the way, please understand that it is an excerpt from a larger story. Don't pay much attention to the name 'Niara'. By the time the reader would have gotten to this point in my WIP, they would know who that was (an agent in an undercover mission). The 'Arts' is just a nickname for magic. Thanks!

. . . . .

The Queen sat in the chambers that had been assigned to her. Large and luxurious, the were apparently intended for leaders of other nations, even though she suspected they paled compared to private chambers of the emperor himself. Still, they had acknowledged her as that much, at least.

She might have gone around the palace and attempted to sway high ranking court members further, but she knew she was being watched, and she needed this time to think.

Next to the entrance to the chamber, right on the inside as you entered, stood two of the escort guards she had brought along for this mission, one Immortal man and one Immortal woman. Glemadhal, captain of her escort and a prominent warrior of her fair realm, had taken along the other two on a mission to scout the palace for threats to her safety.

The situation did not seem particularly hopeful. She had sensed hostility from that archbishop all along, and the emperor himself was unreadable. That was strange. No one was unreadable to her. Yet, he wore some necklace with a symbol of Latak’s prominent religion on it. It was an especially complex symbol, as if the person wearing it was anointed. Could that be what was blocking her? Could a simple thing like that make her enormous powers with the Arts just wane?

She was greatly suspicious about the Latakian religion. Believing the emperor to be nothing more than a power hungry tyrant, which was more than trouble enough, she suspected the real enemy was that religion, or in that religion. The question was, had their faith been infiltrated by supernatural forces of darkness, or had it been an extension of said forces all along? In any case, it did change a lot of things. If it was true that their religion was a major player in the empire’s plans for expansion, she and her people could act resolutely. Unlike meddling in strictly mundane affairs, toppling a dark theocracy was well with the mandate of the Immortals in this world.

- - - - -

Glemadhal was in the lower floors of the Imperial Palace, a place strictly off-limits to outsiders. That was precisely why he needed to go here. If they were planning something nasty for his mistress and queen, it would be in restricted areas.

He had put the two other Immortal warriors he had taken along with him from the queen’s escort to watch the more openly permitted areas of the palace and taken upon himself to do the more risky but also more important task. Yes, it meant that he did not respect the limits set upon them by their hosts, but frankly, their hosts did not respect the sovereignty of other nations, so he had little qualms about violating rights they thought they had, especially if it needed to be done to safeguard his queen.
A little less than an hour of search, evading notice from the guards posted in various places along the way by swift steps on his lithe feet, had brought him to the dormitories of the palace guards. That was a start, but not quite what he was after. He went on for merely a few more moments before hearing voices as he slipped past the door to what seemed to be some sort of briefing room.

He he quietly stepped through the next door, a few yards beyond, into an unlit room and pressed an ear to the wall towards the briefing room. From there, he heard a strict masculine voice passing orders.

”...ness Motak has decided this foreign ‘queen’ is to be captured and her companions disposed of. We will gather up a large force of armed men outside her door, in case she tries some tricks. Once we are ready, we make one swift move, shoot her companions on sight wherever they are and capture her. No warnings. Just one swift move.” The man finished. ”I know you will perform your duty honourably!”

Glemadhal’s apprehension rose, but he was not surprised. Talk about ”honourably” shooting people - even enemies - without warning galled him, but he was too hardened to let it get to him much. In any case, his mistress needed to be warned, and fast. Time to move back out.

As he darted for the door, someone stepped into the room, carrying a torch to light up the place. First came a huge, muscular man with a vicious grin who had to bend to get through the door, and he was soon followed by several others. The massive man suddenly caught sight of him, and exclaimed.

”So, what have we here? Sneaky man has snuck where he don’t belong. You may have gotten in here, little man, but you won’t get out.”

Before long, there were a full dozen men in the room, facing him, now, the huge man included. They were all carrying dark brown uniforms with black collars. He had heard of these men, mostly from Niara’s infiltration missions. They were ruthless enforcers of their emperor, responsible for the quiet disappearance of countless of his political adversaries. The were heavily combat-trained, these brutes, and schooled in martial arts. The collars represented skill, and only the best of the best made it to the level required to wear black. He had stepped into the very room of those elite guards, and he was facing twelve of them. It was unfortunate. It might delay his warning to his queen for a few moments.

”I am guessing you won’t be stepping out of my way?” Glemadhal asked the large man.

The man made a wicked snarl. ”Not likely, little man. I shall enjoy beating you.”

”Well, I had to ask,” he said, stepping forward.

The huge man raised his enormous right fist to strike down upon him. Glemadhal, height only to the man’s shoulders, raised his smaller fist to meet it. There was a loud crack at the moment of impact, as the large man’s knuckles were shattered, replacing a confident expression by one of pain and disbelief. Glemadhal did not give him long. He grabbed the wrist of the man’s outstretched arm and threw him like a rag doll, and the man’s over three hundred pounds, mostly muscle, just flew several yards and slammed hard into the wall on the other side of the room, creating another sound of shattered bones. The man would not rise again any time soon, if ever.

He had thought that display of force might dissuade the remaining elite guards, but they were somehow fanatic, driven by madness, and they charged. He cracked arms, legs and ribs in rapid succession. For the most part, they were too slow to counter his blows, and even when they were not, the force he could put behind his attacks was so overwhelming that the bones in the limbs raised to deflect them just cracked, absorbing only an insignificant part their devastating momentum. Their hits on him were not even an issue, being only a few glancing blows barely generating the slimmest amount of pain.

Soon enough, they were down to five men, and they started to change tactic, drawing batons that had been clasped onto their belts. He responded by unsheathing his own sword, which had been well-hidden in a concealed scabbard. Charged up with potent enchantments, it clove through the batons with as though they were mere twigs, and he went on to pound the men holding them into submission.

Before long, it was all over. Less than a minute had passed between the moment when he had thrown the first man until there was no one left to stand against him. It had not been elegant. He had not had time to consider whether his blows were lethal, and most of these men would never stand again. But his queen’s safety by far outweighed that of a few brutes.

He sheathed his sword and darted for the door, hurrying back through the corridor.

[ctg]

Did you read the guidelines before you posted this? You'll need to add lines between the paragraphs.

[Darth Angelus]

Originally Posted by ctg

Did you read the guidelines before you posted this? You'll need to add lines between the paragraphs.

Sorry, I must have missed that. In the original document, that was sort of a non-issue, but forums are a bit different than word processing programs.
Anyway, fixed now...

[springs]

the formatting gets us all.

. . . . .

The Queen sat in the chambers that had been - I'm not sure you need. assigned to her. Large and luxurious, they were apparently intended for leaders of other nations, even though she suspected they paled compared to the? private chambers of the emperor himselfI found this sentence a little unwieldy. . Still, they had acknowledged her as that muchas what much? a leader of another nation - because the thoughts about the emperor came in I lost the thread a little. , at least.

She might have gone around the palace and attempted to sway high ranking court members further, but she knew she was being watched, and she needed this time to think.

Next to the entrance to the chamber, right on the inside as you entered, stood two of the escort guards she had brought along for this mission, one Immortal man and one Immortal woman. Glemadhal, captain of her escort and a prominent warrior of her fair realm a bit of a cliche, had taken along the other two on a mission to scout the palace for threats to her safety.

The situation did not seem particularly hopeful. She had sensed hostility from that archbishop all along, and the emperor himself was unreadable. That was strange. No one else - since someone is....was unreadable to her. Yet, he wore some necklace with a symbol of Latak’s prominent religion on it. It was an especially complex symbol, as if the person wearing it was anointed. Could that be what was blocking her? Could a simple thing like that make her enormous powers with the Arts just wane?here I think I'd like to have a bit of mystery... don't tell us about the necklace now, but when she's close to him, could she see it? Let the reader make the jump, stretch their mind a little?

She was greatly suspicious about the Latakian religionso how have we got from the above to here?. Believing the emperor to be nothing more than a power hungry tyrant, which was more than trouble enough, she suspected the real enemy was that religion, or in that religionsorry I'm lost, I went from religion, to power crazed, to religion, to an unknown element of the religion?. The question was, had their faith been infiltrated by supernatural forces of darkness, or had it been an extension of said forces all along? In any case, it did change a lot of things. If it was true that their religion was a major player in the empire’s plans for expansion, she and her people could act resolutely. Unlike meddling in strictly mundane affairs, toppling a dark theocracy was well with the mandate of the Immortals in this world.I rather like that, though, it seems to be just the sort of thing Immortals should be doing.

- - - - -

Glemadhal was in the lower floors of the Imperial Palace, a place strictly off-limits to outsiders. That was precisely why he needed to go here. If they were planning something nasty - I'd leave it out, we kind of know she's not amongst friends. for his mistress and queen, it would be in restricted areas.

He had put the two other Immortal - you've told us above, you could lose this warriors he had taken along with him - I think you could lose this, too. from the queen’s escort to watch the more openly permitted areas of the palace and taken upon himself to do the more risky but also more important task. Yes, it meant that he did not respect the limits set upon them by their hosts, but frankly, their hosts they to save the repetition of host? did not respect the sovereignty of other nations, so he had little qualms about violating rights they thought they had, especially if it needed to be done to safeguard his queen.
A little less than an hour of search, evading notice from the guards posted in various places along the way by swift steps on his lithe feet, had brought him to the dormitories of the palace guardshere I really think you need to do a bit of showing to draw me in. How did he get past them? Was it close? Were there a lot of them? Was he frightened? . That was a start, but not quite what he was after. He went on for merely - I'd lose, as an adverb it adds little. a few more moments before hearing voices as he slipped past the door to what seemed to be some sort of briefing room.

He hedouble he. quietly stepped through the next door, a few yards beyond, into an unlit room and pressed an ear to the wall towards the briefing room.I'm getting lost a bit. From there, he heard a strict masculine voice passing orders.

”...ness Motak has decided this foreign ‘queen’ is to be captured and her companions disposed of. We will gather up - don't need a large force of armed men outside her door, in case she tries some tricks.- I expected a more military tone. Once we are ready, we make one swift move, shoot her companions on sight wherever they are and capture her. No warnings. Just one swift move.” The man finished. ”I know you will perform your duty honourably!”So, military types, they like precision. I'd like to hear him allocating roles, giving precise timings.

Glemadhal’s apprehension rose, but he was not surprised. Talk about ”honourably” shooting people - even enemies - without warning galled him, but he was too hardened to let it get to him much. In any case, his mistress needed to be warned, and fast. Time to move back out.

As he darted for the door, someone stepped into the room, carrying a torch to light up the place. First came a huge, muscular man with a vicious grin who had to bend to get through the door, and he was soon followed by several others. The massive man suddenly caught sight of him, and exclaimed.the action here is more interesting. the him at the end stopped and made me think who is was since there are others in the room.

”So, what have we here? a?Sneaky man has snuck where he don’t belong. You may have gotten in here, little man, but you won’t get out.”

Before long, there were a full dozen men in the room, facing him, now - I'd lose, the huge man included. They were all carryingcarrying or wearing? dark brown uniforms with black collars. He had heard of these men, mostly from Niara’s infiltration missions. They were ruthless enforcers of their emperor, responsible for the quiet disappearance of countless of his political adversaries. The were heavily combat-trained, these brutes, and schooled in martial arts. The collars represented skill, and only the best of the best made it to the level required to wear black. He had stepped into the very room of those elite guards, and he was facing twelve of them. It was unfortunate. It might delay his warning to his queen for a few moments.the end line made me laugh. I have to say, though, nothing of what I've seen of the elite guards has made me believe they really are.
”I am guessing you won’t be stepping out of my way?” Glemadhal asked the large man.

The man made a wicked snarl. ”Not likely, little man. I shall enjoy beating you.”

”Well, I had to ask,” he said, stepping forward.

The huge man raised his enormous right fist to strike down upon him. Glemadhal, height only to the man’s shoulders, raised his smaller fist to meet it. There was a loud crack at the moment of impact, as the large man’s knuckles were shattered, replacing a confident expression by one of pain and disbelief. Glemadhal did not give him long. He grabbed the wrist of the man’s outstretched arm and threw him like a rag doll, and the man’s over three hundred pounds, mostly muscle, just flew several yards and slammed hard into the wall on the other side of the room, creating another sound of shattered bones. The man would not rise again any time soon, if ever.did he shout? did Glemadhal break into a sweat? any sensations?

He had thought that display of force might dissuade the remaining elite guards, but they were somehow fanatic, driven by madness, and they charged. He cracked arms, legs and ribs in rapid succession. For the most part, they were too slow to counter his blows, and even when they were not, the force he could put behind his attacks was so overwhelming that the bones in the limbs raised to deflect them just cracked, absorbing only an insignificant part their devastating momentum. Their hits on him were not even an issue, being only a few glancing blows barely generating the slimmest amount of pain.

Soon enough, they were down to five men, and they started to change tactic, drawing batons that had been clasped onto their belts. He responded by unsheathing his own - don't need sword, which had been well-hidden in a concealed scabbardthis I'd have liked to know about earlier. Where was it hidden - they're not the easiest thing to disguise. It took me out of the action while I wondered about it. . Charged up with potent enchantments, it clove through the batons with - extra word. as though they were mere twigs, and he went on to pound the men holding them into submission.

Before long, it was all - lose all? over. Less than a minute had passed between the moment when he had thrown the first man until there was no one left to stand against him. It had not been elegant. He had not had time to consider whether his blows were lethal, and most of these men would never stand again. But his queen’s safety by far outweighed that of a few brutes.

He sheathed his sword and darted for the door, hurrying back through the corridor.

It didn't really work for me, I'm afraid. It didn't seem to be tight enough - there were a lot of words that I thought could go. I think the idea is interesting, and there is obviously plenty of intrigue, but as a piece, it didn't entirely work for me.

[Darth Angelus]

Thanks for the critique!

Yeah, I felt something was missing with it. I just could not quite put my finger on what. This could help with that. Certain sentences need fixing. I think I will come back with a new version later.

Anyway, a couple of things you commented on was due to lack of context, I am afraid. I feared this wouldn't quite work isolated.
That applies to your disbelief in them as elite guards. They would have been established as such. However, I have to point out that Glemadhal's physical strength goes way into superhuman territory. I was hoping tossing a 300 pound man several yards with one arm would establish that, but of course things can be missed. Against someone with superhuman physique (and millennia of combat experience) on that level, elite guards would be quite weak, I reckon. It was not really even a fight, being that one sided. They think he is easy prey, and he is just in a hurry to get out of there.

I hope this helps explaining things.

Making the orders more military style is great advice, however. I will see if I can pull it off.

As for...

”So, what have we here? Sneaky man has snuck where he don’t belong. You may have gotten in here, little man, but you won’t get out.”

...I intentionally made the brute's grammar bad (hence the "he don't"). Unless it really does not work without your suggested addition of 'a'(?), I'd rather keep it as it it is, I think.

Cheers!

[springs]

No, they weren't missed. I got that and his superhuman strength. I just wasn't quite shown enough to bring me close to him, and without that wasn't able to entirely go along with it.

Also, if we already know they're elite guards and this has been established, why are we being told about it again here? Surely it would be a case of him going:

a Niafra infilitration mission? Black collars, the very best.

[Darth Angelus]

Originally Posted by springs

No, they weren't missed. I got that and his superhuman strength. I just wasn't quite shown enough to bring me close to him, and without that wasn't able to entirely go along with it.

Also, if we already know they're elite guards and this has been established, why are we being told about it again here? Surely it would be a case of him going:

a Niafra infilitration mission? Black collars, the very best.

Ok, I probably should not have posted this segment for critique first.
You are right, it should probably not be told again. I was just trying to present it as him thinking back on what had been reported to him.

Basically, the brutes are just well trained humans, as our species can be on Earth. I guess Glemadhal needs to be defined in earlier chapters, but the strength I have shown him to have here should have made it clear that the fight would be easy, even against the best of the best (within human limitations).
The problem, I think, is that you just did not get involved in the story. Like I said, lack of earlier introduction may have had a lot to do with that.

Anyway, much of this is probably best to add to notes on what to put in earlier chapters, although I did have a lot of it thought out.

[Bowler1]

The Queen sat in the chambers that had been assigned to her. Large and luxurious, the were apparently intended for leaders of other nations, even though she suspected they paled when compared to private chambers of the emperor himself. Still, they had acknowledged her as that much, at least. One little missing word.

She might have gone around the palace and attempted to sway high ranking court members further, but she knew she was being watched, and she needed this time to think.

Next to the entrance to the chamber, right on the inside as you entered, stood two of the escort guards she had brought along for this mission, one Immortal man and one Immortal woman. Glemadhal, captain of her escort and a prominent warrior of her fair realm, had taken along the other two on a mission to scout the palace for threats to her safety.
The other two who, alright can see it’s the guards but it would make the action clearer. You over write - both immortal – could easily replace the line I have marked in red. Focus on tightening and sharpening your writing to be more concise.
Against that, you missed the opportunity to add details of the room the Queen was in so I had no image of where she was, similar as well below, just how big was this room the fight took place in - I have no idea.

The situation did not seem particularly hopeful. She had sensed hostility from that archbishop all along, and the emperor himself was unreadable. That was strange. No one was unreadable to her. Yet, he wore some necklace with a symbol of Latak’s prominent religion on it. It was an especially complex symbol, as if the person wearing it was anointed. Could that be what was blocking her? Could a simple thing like that make her enormous powers with the Arts just wane?

She was greatly suspicious about the Latakian religion. Believing the emperor to be nothing more than a power hungry tyrant, which was more than trouble enough, she suspected the real enemy was that religion, or in that religion. The question was, had their faith been infiltrated by supernatural forces of darkness, or had it been an extension of said forces all along? In any case, it did change a lot of things. If it was true that their religion was a major player in the empire’s plans for expansion, she and her people could act resolutely. Unlike meddling in strictly mundane affairs, toppling a dark theocracy was well with the mandate of the Immortals in this world.
All the above is telling and because of this feels flat to me. Not quite an a full on info dump as the Queen’s POV is added here and there but it has the heavy feel of an info dump.

- - - - -

Glemadhal was in the lower floors of the Imperial Palace, a place strictly off-limits to outsiders. That was precisely why he needed to go here. If they were planning something nasty for his mistress and queen, it would be in restricted areas.
My first thought was that nasty plans get made outside of restricted areas as well, leading the reader here and I was not too keen to follow, as the opening line did not pull me in.

He had put the two other Immortal warriors he had taken along with him from the queen’s escort to watch the more openly permitted areas of the palace and taken upon himself to do the more risky but also more important task. Yes, it meant that he did not respect the limits set upon them by their hosts, but frankly, their hosts did not respect the sovereignty of other nations, so he had little qualms about violating rights they thought they had, especially if it needed to be done to safeguard his queen. Far too long, telling me stuff you had already implied from above – he is not meant to be where he is!
A little less than an hour of search, evading notice from the guards posted in various places along the way by swift steps on his lithe feet, had brought him to the dormitories of the palace guards. That was a start, but not quite what he was after. He went on for merely a few more moments before hearing voices as he slipped past the door to what seemed to be some sort of briefing room.

He he Editing would have picked this up quietly stepped through the next door, a few yards beyond, into an unlit room and pressed an ear to the wall towards the briefing room. From there, he heard a strict masculine voice passing orders.

”...ness Motak has decided this foreign ‘queen’ is to be captured and her companions disposed of. We will gather up a large force of armed men outside her door, in case she tries some tricks. Once we are ready, we make one swift move, shoot her companions on sight wherever they are and capture her. No warnings. Just one swift move.” The man finished. ”I know you will perform your duty honourably!”
There goes all the suspense as you have told me everything the other side have planned to do.

Glemadhal’s apprehension rose, but he was not surprised. Talk about ”honourably” shooting people - even enemies - without warning galled him, but he was too hardened to let it get to him much. In any case, his mistress needed to be warned, and fast. Time to move back out.

As he darted for the door, someone stepped into the room, carrying a torch to light up the place. First came a huge, muscular man with a vicious grin who had to bend to get through the door, and he was soon followed by several others. The massive man suddenly caught sight of him, and exclaimed.
Lots of telling and clunky action.

”So, what have we here? Sneaky man has snuck where he don’t belong. You may have gotten in here, little man, but you won’t get out.”
Oh Dear, very clunky and un-natural.

Before long, there were a full dozen men in the room I thought there were only 7 following!, facing him, now, the huge man included. They were all carrying Ohhh, are they in the nip? Get dressed you lot and behave! dark brown uniforms with black collars. He had heard of these men, mostly from Niara’s infiltration missions. They were ruthless enforcers of their emperor, responsible for the quiet disappearance of countless of his political adversaries. They were heavily combat-trained, these brutes – huh!!, and schooled in martial arts. The collars represented skill, and only the best of the best made it to the level required to wear black. He had stepped into the very room of those elite guards, and he was facing twelve of them. It was unfortunate. It might delay his warning to his queen for a few moments.
Very clunky and all telling. Odd word choice here and there, is English a second language for you?

The huge man raised his enormous right fist to strike down upon him. Glemadhal, height only reached to the man’s shoulders, raised his smaller fist to meet it. There was a loud crack at the moment of impact, as the large man’s knuckles were shattered, replacing a confident expression by one of pain and disbelief. Glemadhal did not give him long. He grabbed the wrist of the man’s outstretched arm and threw him like a rag doll, and the man’s over three hundred pounds, mostly muscle, just flew several yards and slammed hard into the wall on the other side of the room, creating another sound of shattered bones One very long linked sentence that needs breaking up. The man would not rise again any time soon, if ever.

He had thought that display of force might dissuade the remaining elite guards, but they were somehow fanatic, driven by madness, and they charged. He cracked arms, legs and ribs in rapid succession. For the most part, they were too slow to counter his blows, and even when they were not, the force he could put behind his attacks was so overwhelming that the bones in the limbs raised to deflect them just cracked, absorbing only an insignificant part their devastating momentum. Their hits on him were not even an issue, being only a few glancing blows barely generating the slimmest amount of pain.
This action does not feel real, sorry.

All telling and sadly because of this the section was hard work. There was no emotion for me and the characters felt flat because of this. I think you need interaction and dialogue, there is almost none in the section above. Take care to make sure the dialogue is natural and feels real. Resist the urge to explain everything and let the reader form their own images. I think the technical writing was good but word choice pulled me up here and there. DA, the best advice I can give you is to have a good poke around old critiques, I found that very helpful in improving my stuff.

[Darth Angelus]

Thanks!

Yeah, I felt something was a bit off with it. Now I know what to work on.
And yes, English is my second language, sorry. Perhaps I just can't pull off the flow well enough for a written text. Even though I am positive most of my countrymen are worse in English than I am, the shortcomings will be picked up by those who knows English as a first language.
Thanks for your time, and sorry it bored you!

/DA

[Bowler1]

I never used the word boring. I can see what you're trying to do here, DA and if I'm honest my first attempts were as clunky. So keep chipping away, you'll be fine.

[Darth Angelus]

Ok, I see. I just assumed that the "no emotion" and "characters fell flat" would mean boredom. It usually does.
Anyway, I wasn't offended by any of it. Sure, it stung just slightly for a few brief moments, but I asked for a critique and I know it was not a personal attack. You guys helped me identify why there was a lack of emotion and sense of being real, so thanks!

I will try to make an updated version, but it is not that short, and there are quite a few things that need work, so it may take a little time.

[Ursa major]

Originally Posted by Darth Angelus

I will try to make an updated version, but it is not that short, and there are quite a few things that need work, so it may take a little time.

That's one of the advantages that we aspiring writers have over published authors: no deadlines.


(And thank goodness for that. )

[Blackrook]

I thought the action was cool. My only comment is that 300 pounds is a big too heavy, even for a burly guard. Maybe he should be 250 or so.

[JoanDrake]

The Queen sat in the chambers that had been assigned to her. Large and luxurious, the were apparently intended for leaders of other nations, even though she suspected they paled compared to private chambers of the emperor himself. Still, they had acknowledged her as that much, at least.

She might have gone around the palace and attempted to sway high ranking court members further, but she knew she was being watched, and she needed this time to think.

Next to the entrance to the chamber, right on the inside as you entered, stood two of the escort guards she had brought along for this mission, one Immortal man and one Immortal woman. Glemadhal, captain of her escort and a prominent warrior of her fair realm, had taken along the other two on a mission to scout the palace for threats to her safety.
The Queen goes on a mission to a hostile planet with just 5 guards?…well, I guess if the Captain can go on all those away missions. And they both do have Starships in orbit, hopefully

The situation did not seem particularly hopeful. She had sensed hostility from that archbishop all along, and the emperor himself was unreadable. That was strange. No one was unreadable to her. Yet, he wore some necklace with a symbol of Latak’s prominent religion on it. It was an especially complex symbol, as if the person wearing it was anointed. Could that be what was blocking her? Could a simple thing like that make her enormous powers with the Arts just wane?

She was greatly suspicious about the Latakian religion. Believing the emperor to be nothing more than a power hungry tyrant, which was more than trouble enough, she suspected the real enemy was that religion, or in that religion. The question was, had their faith been infiltrated by supernatural forces of darkness, or had it been an extension of said forces all along? In any case, it did change a lot of things. If it was true that their religion was a major player in the empire’s plans for expansion, she and her people could act resolutely. Unlike meddling in strictly mundane affairs, toppling a dark theocracy was well with the mandate of the Immortals in this world. So letting a tyrant conquer others is permitted, but religious intolerance is ok with this Magical UN? (sorry, I’m letting my liberal self run amok today)


- - - - -

Glemadhal was in the lower floors of the Imperial Palace, a place strictly off-limits to outsiders. That was precisely why he needed to go here. If they were planning something nasty for his mistress and queen, it would be in restricted areas.

He had put the two other Immortal warriors he had taken along with him from the queen’s escort to watch the more openly permitted areas of the palace and taken upon himself to do the more risky but also more important task. Yes, it meant that he did not respect the limits set upon them by their hosts, but frankly, their hosts did not respect the sovereignty of other nations, so he had little qualms about violating rights they thought they had, especially if it needed to be done to safeguard his queen.
A little less than an hour of search, evading notice from the guards posted in various places along the way by swift steps on his lithe feet, had brought him to the dormitories of the palace guards. That was a start, but not quite what he was after. He went on for merely a few more moments before hearing voices as he slipped past the door to what seemed to be some sort of briefing room.

He he quietly stepped through the next door, a few yards beyond, into an unlit room and pressed an ear to the wall towards the briefing room. From there, he heard a strict masculine voice passing orders.

”...ness Motak has decided this foreign ‘queen’ is to be captured and her companions disposed of. We will gather up a large force of armed men outside her door, in case she tries some tricks. Once we are ready, we make one swift move, shoot her companions on sight wherever they are and capture her. No warnings. Just one swift move.” The man finished. ”I know you will perform your duty honourably!”

Glemadhal’s apprehension rose, but he was not surprised. Talk about ”honourably” shooting people - even enemies - without warning galled him, but he was too hardened to let it get to him much.
OTOH he has no problem with spying, which he wouldn’t, but neither would the honor business, I might just lose this sentence, it’s not needed anyway In any case, his mistress needed to be warned, and fast. Time to move back out.

As he darted for the door, someone stepped into the room, carrying a torch to light up the place. First came a huge, muscular man with a vicious grin who had to bend to get through the door, and he was soon followed by several others. The massive man suddenly caught sight of him, and exclaimed.

”So, what have we here? Sneaky man has snuck where he don’t belong. You may have gotten in here, little man, but you won’t get out.”

Before long, there were a full dozen men in the room, facing him, now, the huge man included. They were all carrying dark brown uniforms with black collars. He had heard of these men, mostly from Niara’s infiltration missions. They were ruthless enforcers of their emperor, responsible for the quiet disappearance of countless of his political adversaries. The were heavily combat-trained, these brutes, and schooled in martial arts. The collars represented skill, and only the best of the best made it to the level required to wear black. He had stepped into the very room of those elite guards, and he was facing twelve of them. It was unfortunate. It might delay his warning to his queen for a few moments. I, too, like this last sentence…(”…he didn’t think those odds were fair but they’d just have to take their chances”)

”I am guessing you won’t be stepping out of my way?” Glemadhal asked the large man.

The man made a wicked snarl. ”Not likely, little man. I shall enjoy beating you.”

”Well, I had to ask,” he said, stepping forward. These people talk a lot before they fight, sorta like Dragon Ball Z or Neo’s little “c’mon” gesture. It doesn’t bother me much and some people really like it, but it doesn’t add to realism IMO.

The huge man raised his enormous right fist to strike down upon him. Glemadhal, height only to the man’s shoulders, raised his smaller fist to meet it. There was a loud crack at the moment of impact, as the large man’s knuckles were shattered, replacing a confident expression by one of pain and disbelief. Glemadhal did not give him long. He grabbed the wrist of the man’s outstretched arm and threw him like a rag doll, and the man’s over three hundred pounds, mostly muscle, just flew several yards and slammed hard into the wall on the other side of the room, creating another sound of shattered bones. The man would not rise again any time soon, if ever. Good paragraph, and it establishes him as superhuman, now look below:

He had thought that display of force might dissuade the remaining elite guards, but they were somehow fanatic, driven by madness, and they charged. He cracked arms, legs and ribs in rapid succession. For the most part, they were too slow to counter his blows, and even when they were not, the force he could put behind his attacks was so overwhelming that the bones in the limbs raised to deflect them just cracked, absorbing only an insignificant part their devastating momentum. Their hits on him were not even an issue, being only a few glancing blows barely generating the slimmest amount of pain


Soon enough, they were down to five men, and they started to change tactic, drawing batons that had been clasped onto their belts. He responded by unsheathing his own sword, which had been well-hidden in a concealed scabbard. Charged up with potent enchantments, it clove through the batons with as though they were mere twigs, and he went on to pound the men holding them into submission. .
I once read Jack Vance describe Kirth Gersen killing four armed men barehanded and taking 30 seconds in two short sentences….It was far from being either choreographed or detailed, like some recommend, but it was believable and the effect produced of Gersen being formidable was so overwhelming it stayed with me for four more books in the series. Were I you I would try to challenge myself to do that here. (It would also better explain why nobody heard all this from the briefing room or anywhere else, there wasn’t time.) I only say that because you do that here some but I think you can do better.

Before long, it was all over. You might lose this and the other one above…I think of “before long” as meaning like less than 15 minutes, not a few seconds, but that might be just me. Less than a minute had passed between the moment when he had thrown the first man until there was no one left to stand against him. It had not been elegant. I like this comment He had not had time to consider whether his blows were lethal, and most of these men would never stand again. But his queen’s safety by far outweighed that of a few brutes.

He sheathed his sword and darted for the door, hurrying back through the corridor.

I agree with most of the other criticisms here save one…It works for me. Very well written overall.

[Darth Angelus]

Thanks a bunch for the new replies!

I now have a fair idea how to proceed to improve this segment, unlike before, when I just had a vague feeling that (at least) certain aspects of it somehow did not quite work. I intend to polish the language, and iron out a few issues when it comes to the story itself.

Unfortunately, I am a bit too busy to really start working on it at the moment. I will get down to it eventually, though. And when I do, I will have a starting point to work from, thanks to the replies here.


JoanDrake, I found your comments very helpful. I just have a couple of small things to explain about the situation, which would be known to the reader at this point. It is not meant to be defensive, just as clarification...
- Firstly, it is not a starship era. They are not visiting a hostile planet, just a hostile country. The technology at this time in my story is intended to be something like 19th century Earth.
- The Immortals are not quite a "magical UN", even though I do understand where that came from. They are an unaging, in many ways superhuman people, living largely secluded from the rest of the world until needed.
When "dark theocracy" is mentioned, it is intended as a bit worse than religious intolerance as it is known in our world (which is admittedly bad enough). It is more of supernatural evil drawing power from a dark deity to oppress humanity. The Immortals were made to stop such threats.
Their dilemma is that they do not represent humanity as such (unlike UN), and need to exercise great restraint to avoid becoming oppressors of their own. Power means responsibility. From there comes the reluctance to interfere with mundane affairs. If you are liberal, I am fairly sure you would not want a "light" theocracy to replace the darker one.
Basically, they cannot take responsibility for stopping all human evil in the world, everywhere, all the time. Only because this empire is exceptionally aggressive do they intervene at all. On the other hand, if they get evidence of dark religion already being in play, they can act in a more unrestrained manner.
If that makes any sense.


Cheers!