description in 405 words

[fishii]

I wrote this to be an introduction to the first chapter of a story.

~~~

I wouldn’t say that I have the best room in the house. However, I would say it’s a pretty sweet one. When I come in my room I just like to stop and take it all in; strange, I know, but I still can’t believe Mama and Papa let me give it a Nintendo make-over. The walls are all painted up like video games. Professionals can do some amazing things. The left wall is painted Zelda style, the one directly across from the door is Mario fashion and to the right is painted Pokemon. The wall with my door has all kind of posters.

The walls are not all I pimped out. Against the Mario wall is the desk that my friends and I tricked out with Pokemon, Mario and Legend of Zelda. On it my notebook sits open, waiting for me to write in it. The desk and window in my room are positioned perfectly, no matter what time of day I sit in that desk and stare out the window, the sun is never in my eyes. My bed is tucked in the corner where the Mario and Pokemon walls come together; it sits lengthwise against the Pokemon wall. It’s probably the only nonNintendo thing currently in my room. It usually has a Zelda blanket on it, but two weeks ago it got ripped badly during a slumber party and Mama shipped it off to her mom to be fixed. Against the left wall I have a dresser and desk, both painted up to look like they are covered in ivy. On the desk is my desktop, also Zelda-ized and my laptop that’s been decked out Star Wars style. On the dresser is a triforce jewelry box.

My carpet is plush and soft, it’s the same color green a spring grass. My ceiling has been painted twice; once it was painted with special glow-in-the-dark-paint, to look like the night sky and then it was painted to look like a blue sky with white fluffy clouds. I don’t know how they did it but it’s cool the way that it’s a day sky in the day and a night sky at night.

My room is the only room in the house with access to my special walk in closet. It’s that closet, with it’s door painted to blend in with the wall, that brought my friends here today.


~~~~

*1. Nintendo- © 2012 Nintendo.
2. Mario- Game trademarks and copyrights are properties of their respective owners. Nintendo properties are trademarks of Nintendo. © 2012 Nintendo.
3. Legend of Zelda- © 1986 – 2011 Nintendo. Nintendo properties are trademarks of Nintendo.
4. Pokemon - © 1995-2011 Nintendo/Creatures Inc./GAME FREAK inc

[Darth Angelus]

I think this is pretty hard to rate as a story, since it is just an introductory description. There are no events occuring at all in this segment. Hence, I cannot really rate any narrative plot, but only the decription for what it is.

I would say it sort of works to sell it as some child's or teenager's room.
Generally, I think slang expressions that belong to spoken language are best to avoid in written text, at least if it is some essay or story segment rather than a normal forum post on the web (unless, of course, it is within quotation mark, to present an in-story character speaking slang). I would therefore replace "Mama and Papa" with something less slang, such as maybe "My parents" and "It's..." with "It is...", if I were you.
Also, a dash needs to be added to "nonNintendo", making it "non-Nintendo".

I don't mean to be grammar police or anything, but make the word usage just slightly more like written language (but not excessively formal), and I think this should work, as I have no particular problem with the content itself.

[springs]

It depends, though, how close you want it, Fishii. If it's 1st or close 3rd, you can get away with the slang, if it's your characters voice. I found it fine, though the room would give me a headache...

[TomS]

I do see this room. As it is, this is fine. But I've learned recently myself that it's better to put this kind of information about a setting within the story itself.

For instance, a character could walk across the room and feel the carpet between his or her toes.

And I agree with Darth Angelus that the slang should be toned down unless the words are being spoken by a character who would reasonably use it.

[fishii]

Thanks guys... I forgot to put that I was wondering if this was any improvement on past things I have posted in means of show vs tell?

(Because honestly I could have just said 'My room is a virtual Nintendo land.' and been done with it.)

[HareBrain]

I think it's pretty good, slang and all (it is first person after all) and it catches the mindset of an obsessive geeky kid well. The question as to whether to include all this info as it is depends on why he's writing it. Why would a kid write a detailed description of his own room? (It feels like something he's written rather than a story he's telling, if that makes sense.) As long as there's a justification, I think it's fine, and it's intriguing because it's quite weird.

[ctg]

Honestly, I quite like it. The character is showing his age and there's almost nothing wrong with the language. Just some nit picking features that you can trim, when you get to polish this one. Well done fishii. I like it.

[fishii]

Just a note about the whole 'Mama' thing, the character is adopted and knows she's adopted, her adoptive mom won't accept being called mom, so from a young age (5) she has been taught to always refer to her as Mama. (That and mom is another character in the story.)
It's the same with Papa and her dad.

[Jammill Khursheed]

As far as being in the character's head goes, it works perfectly for what it is...

If the rest of the story isn't told from a first person perspective it could jar stylistically with the rest of the book as it is... Maybe having him write it down in something like a diary or journal would sit better than having it as internal monologue in that case, but if it is all from his point of view its fine as is...


Jammill

[Phyrebrat]

Hey Fishii,

I agree with most of the sentiments posted so far but what I found pulled me out of the intro, was the amount of brand names you used. Is it really necessary?

Ignoring the argument that brand names can date - or firmly place - a story (because sometimes this is exactly what you want, right?) it just seemed a little excessive; perhaps your character can be madly obsessed with just Zelda, or just Mario, or just Pokemon. Later on we have a Star Wars and a triforce reference...

Your narrative stye, gives a far stronger indication of your protag's age and personality so I think you could winnow down your video game references without causing too much concern. Furthermore, there will be people who - believe it or not - do not know who or what Zelda or triforce is (I had to look it up!) .

But... if your story relies on these brand names, then ignore what I have said.

pH

[Mouse]

I'm with Phyrebrat, fishii. I couldn't get past the brand names, I scanned down and saw them repeated all again. I have no idea what a wall painted in Zelda style is. (Zelda's that witch from Sabrina the Teenage Witch to me!)

On the Mama and Papa thing... probably a culture thing, but it sounds like something a posh kid would say.

[TomS]

Being from America, I felt the Mama and Papa thing was southern, which is seen by many of us over here as a bit hokey.

[RcGrant]

I agree with Phyrebrat too -- the brand names became very repetitive which in turn made me a little frustrated. Is there a reason the character needs to be obsessed with all of them?

[fishii]

i can fix that easily: (I've remove a majority of the brand references.)


I wouldn’t say that I have the best room in the house. However, I would say it’s a pretty sweet one. When I come in my room I just like to stop and take it all in; strange, I know, but I still can’t believe Mama and Papa let me paint it. The walls are all painted up like a forest. Professionals can do some amazing things; I never would have been able to paint such realistic trees. The wall with my door has all kind of posters.

The walls are not all I redid. Against the far wall is my writing desk; on it my notebook sits open, waiting for me to write in it. The desk and window in my room are positioned perfectly, no matter what time of day I sit in that desk and stare out the window, the sun is never in my eyes. My bed is tucked in the corner where the far and right walls come together; it sits lengthwise against the right wall. It’s probably the only non themed item currently in my room. It usually has a Legend of Zelda blanket on it, but two weeks ago it got ripped badly during a slumber party and Mama shipped it off to her mom to be fixed. Against the left wall I have a dresser and desk, both painted up to look like they are covered in ivy. On the desk is my desktop, that has been remade to look a character from my favorite video game, and my laptop has a couple of Star Wars stickers on it. On the dresser is a triforce jewelry box.

My carpet is plush and soft, it’s the same color green a spring grass. My ceiling has been painted twice; once it was painted with special glow-in-the-dark-paint, to look like the night sky and then it was painted to look like a blue sky with white fluffy clouds. I don’t know how they did it but it’s cool the way that it’s a day sky in the day and a night sky at night.

My room is the only room in the house with access to my special walk in closet. It’s that closet, with it’s door painted to blend in with the wall, that brought my friends here today.

[ctg]

Fishii, what was there before, isn't there any more. At least to me, you effectively killed the joy that I felt was reflecting from character language and now it reads as if it's made from old rubber tires. Maybe you're extra happy with it, especially with the added description, but to me, it something I'd probably skip straight away to get in the main story.