Short story intro

[I, Brian]

Am tempted to revise and submit some of my old short stories for submission to magazines.

However, would be nice to get some feedback first, not least to find out if I am making any significant mistakes.

Here's an intro from a Lovecraftian inspired piece:

George Campbell, the seventeenth Earl of Rawcliffe, one time playboy dilettante and hedonist, had suddenly become a withdrawn and nervous man after the advent of his twenty-first year. The change occurred abruptly the week of his birthday and he had since shunned all social company excepting that of my own. When first I visited him after his most inexplicable and singular change in character, I noted with a vague unease that he had dismissed all of his servants and now sat alone in the huge and disquieting manor house that was his ancestral home. Whereas such normal visits had once consisted of incessant, cheerful discursives on current affairs or more meaningful preambles on the subjects of philosophy and art, our nights together occluded a rather strained atmosphere. Gone was the joyful, lively George with a zest for the finer points in life. All that remained was a trembling, macabre shell of his original form. It took immeasurable effort to hold his attention on any one subject, yet even when he did talk an observer would no doubt have agreed with my perception that he was always pausing to listen to something other than his friends' narratives. Never, though, could I discern any esoteric sounds other than those that typically accompany such immense and ancient constructions as was the manner of his vast and historic family home.

[Bowler1]

In a word, interesting.

It smacks of a classical opening and if that was intended then I think you have pulled it off.

shunned all social company (comma here?) excepting that of my own. – I would have liked a pause near the end of that line but as I’m the current comma splice king I advise caution!
Two very long sentences in there that attracted my attention, nothing wrong with them that I could see other than being really, really long.

A very nice feel to the little section and I would read on happily. For some reason Bram Stoker came to mind!

[HareBrain]

It's a bit rambling, but though this might tie in well with the sprawling, gormanghastian feel of the ancestral hall of which you write, I think it could be a lot tighter without sacrificing the feeling you seek. Some lines are needlessly convoluted, for my taste. (The words "was the manner of" in the last line are technically completely redundant, for example.) I think absolute accuracy in word-choice is essential to this period feel. I appreciate this might seem a bit rude, but I found it easiest to have a go at redrafting it, just because I found it hard to pin down exactly what I think you should do for each line without writing it myself. I put the whole thing in past tense because, in the excerpt, beginning in pluperfect didn't seem to serve any purpose, but it might have done in context.

But maybe it is down to taste. Coincidentally (@Bowler) I tried starting The Lair of the White Worm last night, and, ugh. Some things don't age well.

***

George Campbell, seventeenth Earl of Rawcliffe, playboy dilettante and hedonist, became a withdrawn and nervous man after the advent of his twenty-first year. Following his birthday, he shunned all social company save my own, and on my first visit afterwards I noted with unease that he had dismissed all servants from the ancestral manor house. Whereas my previous visits had been occupied in cheerful talk on current affairs or philosophy and art, our nights became rather strained. No sign remained of the joyful, lively George, only a trembling and macabre shell. He seemed unable to concentrate his mind on any subject, and always seemed to be listening to something other than our discussion; though I could never discern any sound other than those which typically accompany such immense and ancient constructions as his family home.


By the way, "the advent of his twenty-first year" would follow his twentieth birthday. Is that what you mean?

[Hex]

Hiya Brian,

I liked this a lot. I should probably leave it alone since it's wordy because that's the style. Still, a couple of words seemed excessive to me (even within the wordy style) and I'd have liked another comma or two.


George Campbell, the seventeenth Earl of Rawcliffe, one time playboy dilettante and hedonist, had suddenly become a withdrawn and nervous man after the advent of his twenty-first year. The change occurred abruptly the week of his birthday and he had since shunned all social company excepting that of [not convinced you need 'that of' and for some reason 'excepting' made me twitch, though I can't put my finger on why] my own. When first I visited him after his most inexplicable and singular change in character, I noted with a [not sure about 'a', either] vague unease that he had dismissed all of his servants and now sat [sat? sorry to be picky but he can't be sitting all the time and if he dismissed all his servants he's not even sitting when the narrator visits because he'd have had to get up to open the door...] alone in the huge and disquieting manor house that was his ancestral home. Whereas such normal visits had once consisted of incessant, cheerful discursives on current affairs or more meaningful preambles on the subjects of philosophy and art, our nights together [now?] occluded [is 'occluded' the right word here?] a rather strained atmosphere. Gone was the joyful, lively George with a zest for the finer points [things?] in life. All that remained was a trembling, macabre [I'm not totally sure 'macabre' is the word. Or at least it doesn't seem to fit with the image you've painted of a trembling shell of a man] shell of his original form. It took immeasurable effort to hold his attention on any one [I'd lose 'one'] subject, yet even when he did talk [comma] an observer would no doubt have agreed with my perception that he was always pausing to listen to something other than his friends' narratives [how many friends? I think you said at the start that the narrator is the only person Geroge will see, so maybe "friend's narratives"?]. Never, though, could I discern any esoteric [not quite sure about 'esoteric'] sounds other than those that typically accompany [I wavered over 'accompany' too] such immense and ancient constructions as was the manner of [I'd drop 'was the manner of'] his vast and historic family home.

Very atmospheric. You set things up beautifully within this short space and I'd read on. I'm not 100% sure if all the words are quite what I think they should be but I have to confess (don't tell anyone) that I don't have a good paper dictionary to hand so I have been depending on, um, Google define. So the chances are I'm babbling.

[The Judge]

I'll have a go.

red = suggested amendment
blue = suggested deletion
purple = comment

George Campbell, [most Earls have several names, so although not needed it might added a better feel to his lineage if you added a couple more] the seventeenth Earl of Rawcliffe, one time playboy, [comma needed] dilettante and hedonist, [a lovely flow to the three nouns, but in what respect is a playboy different from a hedonist? I'd suggest another pejorative noun for the playboy] had suddenly become a withdrawn and nervous man after the advent of his twenty-first year. [You do know that means he's still only 20? If you want him to be over 21, then it's his 22nd year or after his 21st birthday] The change occurred abruptly the week of his birthday and he had since shunned all [social] [unless you intend him still to seek the company of others for non-social reasons and the narrator knows this -- but in any event to a well-bred Englishman "company" implies social intercourse, not merely a collection of people in a room] company excepting [in two minds about "excepting". I think it's more authentic without it, but I'd stand to be corrected] [that of] [I can't explain why that's wrong here, but I'm pretty sure it is-- ooh, just thought -- it would have to be "that of mine" as the "own" is then wrong] my own. [does he later ask why he's the only one?]

[suggest new para as it's a big block]When first I visited him after his most inexplicable and singular change in character, I noted with a [although the use of the indefinite article here is commonplace, it's strictly wrong, so if you're trying for perfectly correct English it should go] vague unease that he had dismissed all [of] [again commonplace, but strictly wrong] his servants [so who's getting his food? who let the narrator into the house? is the place dusty? are the fires lit? why doesn't the narrator think how odd it is if George still appears well fed and the house is tidy?] and now sat alone in the huge and disquieting manor house [Earls don't live in manor houses, not unless they've come a long way down in the world, which "ancestral home" rather contradicts] that was his ancestral home. Whereas such normal visits had once consisted of incessant, cheerful discourses [discursives] [discursive is the adjective or adverb] on current affairs or more meaningful preambles [um... preamble is rather an odd choice for "meaningful" since it means only an introduction, whereas you're getting at something rather heavier -- disquisitions, perhaps? And perhaps "learned" rather than "meaningful", which is a bit too modern in tone] on the subjects of philosophy and art, after the change in him our nights together [confusing -- at first I thought this was a continuation of the "normal visits" whereas you mean it to be the new visits, I think, so this needs some kind of way of signalling the change within the sentence] occluded [? occlude means to block up or restrain gases. Do you mean "produced" or "took place in"?] a rather strained atmosphere. Gone was the joyful, lively George with a zest for the finer matters [points] in life; all that remained was a trembling, macabre shell of his original form. It took immeasurable effort to hold his attention on any one subject, yet even when he did talk [an observer would no doubt have agreed with my] [makes the sentence too convoluted] I had the strangest conviction [perception] ["perception" is an absolute, ie he knows that George is listening to someone else, whereas surely he can only believe this -- though the "pauses" aren't simply conviction, of course, as the narrator does perceive them -- I think you need to rephrase the whole] that he continually paused [he was always pausing to listen] [the tense isn't wrong, but it's too modern in feel for an apparently archaic tone] to listen to something other than my utterances [his friends'] [er? I thought he saw no one but the narrator, so who are these friends, plural? If this is a mis-placed apostrophe and you meant "friend's narratives" I don't think the narrator would use that form when he's spoken of himself as "I" before] [narratives]. [unless the narrator is actually narrating something to George, they're not narratives] Never, though, could I discern any [esoteric] ["esoteric" means cryptic, clandestine or only understood by a few, so the narrator could only know they were esoteric if he did hear them. I think what you mean is simply out of place, which then contradicts the "other than" ] sounds other than those which [that] typically accompany such immense and ancient constructions such as [was the manner of] ["constructions" is a noun; "as was the manner" relates to an adjective] his vast and historic family home. [er... manor houses in England aren't vast and immense. Far from it. You mean stately home but I'm not sure whether this would have been used by a member of the same class as George as opposed to snippy middle-class people looking on enviously...]

It's a good attempt at a creepy cod-Victorian feel, but for me it was let down by the need to give every noun an adjective or two or three, which felt a bit over-egging it, but more importantly by the mistakes in word use. I think if you're going to do a pastiche of this kind you have to be absolutely on top of the Victorian idiom. But a good first draft start.


EDIT: Bum. I'm so slow everyone else has said it all...

[Peter Graham]

Hi Brian

On the assumption that you are deliberately setting out to ape the narrative style of Lovecraft (or those of his era), it works brilliantly. Apart from two bits (set out below), I could genuinely believe that I was reading something written 100 years ago. It's got the faintly overwritten whiff of Conan-Doyle/Le Fanu about it too.

The wordiness is lovely. To modern ears, there is often something of a disconnnect between the immediate horror of what is being described and the flouncy, almost emotionless nature of the language used to describe it. My favourite is an extract from the diary of a Victorian ghost hunter, who reported being disturbed during a vigil "by portentuous nosies indicative of sad displeasure." Brilliant sentence, summing up as it does the sort of ice-cool, unruffled exterior of the Victorian gentleman even in the midst of supernatural apocalypse.

You catch this tone very well!

The two amendments I'd suggest are as follows:-

had suddenly become a withdrawn and nervous man after the advent of his twenty-first year

"Suddenly" doesn't quite work. They might have said "on a sudden", but more likely would have said "without warning" or "unexpectedly" or "without apparent reason"

Never, though, could I discern any esoteric sounds other than those that typically accompany such immense and ancient constructions as was the manner of his vast and historic family home.

Not sure "esoteric" is right (unless the spirits are enaged in conceptual art). Same goes for "accompany" or "constructions". "Those that are typically attendant upon such immense and ancient edifices/seats/piles" might be nearer the mark for that time.

I remain, sir, terminally bewildered,

Your faithful servant,

Mr Peter Graham (gent.)

[Darth Angelus]

As short as it was, I have little but praise for the tone. It used quite a few words which are rare nowadays, and a style of setting up the sentences grammatically that is a bit old school, which made me feel like I was transported back a century or so.

It would seem from the comment that this was intentionally, and I think you succeeded. I would definitely be reading more if there were more available to read.

Just keep it up!

[Bowler1]

I only ever read the 'Dracula' from Bram Stoker which I enjoyed. The style, well, the style was of the time. I have not gone looking for his other works, one was enough.

A search for 'The Lair of the White Worm' brings back some very interesting results, HB!!!

[Grimbear]

George Campbell, the seventeenth Earl of Rawcliffe, one time get rid of 'one time' playboy dilettante and hedonist, had suddenly become 'had suddenly become' sounds too modern in the context imo. Maybe 'became, in defiance of all expectation, withdrawn and nervous' ?

The change occurred abruptly the week of his birthday and he had since shunned all social remove 'social' company excepting that of my own. When first I visited him after his most inexplicable and singular change in character ? does your narrator know before this first visit about the change? - it reads as if he does. If so, how? And if not then imo change this to reflect that fact.


I noted with a vague unease that he had dismissed all of - remove 'of' his servants and now sat alone in the huge 'huge' too modern-soundingand disquieting manor house get rid of 'house' and just have 'manor' that was his ancestral home. Whereas Where here instead of Whereas imo such normal get rid of 'normal'visits had once consisted of incessant, cheerful discursives ? 'discursives' sounds really forced. What's wrong with 'discussions' or 'discourse'?on current affairs or more meaningful preambles on the subjects of philosophy and art, now our nights together occluded?occluded? a rather strained atmosphere. Gone was the joyful, lively George with a zest for the finer points 'things' here not 'points' - or just 'zest for life' in life.

All that remained was a trembling, macabre shell of his original form. ?Has he changed physically aswell then? It took immeasurable effort to hold his attention on any one subject, yet even when he did talk comma here an observer would no doubt have agreed with my perception that he was always pausing to listen to something other than his friends' narratives. Never, though, could I discern any esoteric sounds other than those that typically accompany such immense and ancient constructions as was the manner of his vast and historic family home. What do you mean here? Imo change this last sentence. I don't get how for example, creaking floorboards, or the crackle of a fire in a grate could 'accompany' a house.

Hope that's some help. It's good and I want to know - I would read it for sure. Only thing is some words seem forced into the narrative and don't sit right.

[I, Brian]

Many thanks for the feedback - very much appreciated. I'll review changes/edits and apply accordingly.

[stephen.samuels]

Felt that it held my attention, only comment would be perhaps look at the sentence length in the middle sections. However I do feel that the prose has real depth to it which I like given the scene but I do feel you can achieve depth with shorter sentences and the odd pause here or there.

[Leisha]

As a huge fan of Lovecraft, I loved the piece. I've completed two Lovecraft-inspired short stories over the last couple of months, which I will try and get into anthos or magazines as well, so I am in awe of what you've done. While I went for a modern story and style that seemed reminiscent of a Lovecraft-type tale, you've gone for the full-on Lovecraft tone, style, 1st person POV, and formal narrator (Lovecraft's MCs never had much personality, did they? ).

Anyway, I won't give you sentence-level comments since you have those already (however, I agree that the piece needs a paragraph break in between). Let me just say, though, that you captured L's tone well, although non-readers of HPL might struggle with some of the more archaic word choices that us fans are used to in L's works. But that's not a problem!

I won't suggest anything else because you say you're about to revise it, but the only point I will say is that while a slower beginning worked for L's era, how about bringing a bit of modern storytelling into it: bringing the reader into a situation that makes us sit on the edge of our seat, breathless with anticipation and dread, and then having the scene interspersed with small parts of this narrative setup so we get to know the backstory as we go along.

You may feel that's not something you want to do if you want to stay true to L's works, but I thought I'd suggest it anyway. Good luck with it!


(And now I'm off to polish my second Lovecraft-inspired short story!)

[Leisha]

One last point, cos it's just occurred to me (and I'll write it in a new comment in case you've seen the previous one already) - if you choose to keep the story pretty much as is, consider making the first lines more gripping, more shocking. Some of L's best works do that:

"It is true that I have sent six bullets through the head of my best friend, and yet I hope to show by this statement that I am not his murderer. At first I shall be called a madman--madder than the man I shot in his cell at the Arkham Sanitarium."

--The Thing on the Doorstep


"The most merciful thing in the world, I think, is the inability of the human mind to correlate all its contents. We live on a placid island of ignorance in the midst of black seas of infinity, and it was not meant that we should voyage far."

--The Call of Cthulhu