The traditional 1,000th post.

[David Evil Overlord]

Since I am not one to flout tradition, I will post something for critique for my 1,000th post. This comes from another WIP -- not my super heroes, but it does have aliens in it.


If I can avoid the Warriors until Syarell dies, they cannot punish me for what I have done.

Talioth looked back over her shoulder, past her dorsal fin and her flickering tail, towards the city of Chrellis Reef. Any pursuit would have to come from that direction. She saw nothing but the sharp edges of the bladecoral spires, softened and rippled now by distance. No one was chasing her. Not yet.

She swam faster anyway.

Talioth had been caught sneaking out to spend the darktime in forbidden places many times before. So many times, in fact, she was certain the Warrior Primary of Chrellis Reef couldn’t possibly think of any more cruel punishments to inflict upon her.

But this darktime would be different.

When Syarell died and the World-Ocean sunk into the darktime once more, the Festival of Choosing would begin. The other younglings of Talioth’s age would all be swearing their oaths of allegiance, and the Primary of the Warrior’s Guild would surely be far too busy to seek out her unsworn daughter.

Perhaps Syarell, the Mother of all Life, did choose Her Healers. Perhaps Xohora, the Eater, did choose His Sorcerers. Perhaps Talioth would not be Chosen.

If only the Guild she wished to choose existed in Chrellis Reef.

She still had to avoid the Warriors until the darktime.

She turned her body upwards once more, and continued to rise until she was higher than even the tallest spires of Chrellis. Finally, with her home lost in the darkening blueness far below her, she reached the End of the World-Ocean. There she held her breath, and strained against her survival instincts as she slowly pushed her head through the End of the World-Ocean and into the Lesser Void.

Though Talioth had done this many times before, the thrill of entering this forbidden, alien realm had never faded.

No longer buoyed by her natural element, Talioth felt as though the water was trying to pull her back down. Was this Syarell, warning a wayward child that she did not belong in this place? Or did she feel instead the tentacles of Xohora, the Eater of all Life, dragging her down into the everdark of His lightless deeps?

She knew that the archaic word for what she felt was weight. But only an arcati who studied whatever scraps of Watcher guildcraft she could find would know about that word.

Weight was a word that only happened to the dead, as they sank towards the everdark of the Eater. The living could alter their buoyancy, to rise and sink at will. But that didn’t feel quite the same as weight.

Weight made the anemone strands of her gills stick to her head and shoulders, as if trying to crawl down her body and back into the water. Her gills knew they needed to expand and contract with each breath, adrift in the currents. Here the only current was the thin ghost of long-dead water that shrieked past her head.

A ghost was not enough to stir her gills to life.

She plunged her head back into the life-giving waters, and took a breath so deep that her whole body shook. As her racing heart slowly returned to more natural rhythms, she examined the ribbons of spineweed that kept predators from the waters of Chrellis Reef. Satisfied that the formidable barrier was still intact, Talioth nonetheless uttered something halfway between a prayer and a curse, asking that the Eater might find someone else to eat. No sense tempting fate by failing to show the proper respect for the God of the lightless abyss.

The predators, the Children of Xohora, would be most active in the approaching darktime, after all.

Knowing that the Eater always required payment, Talioth finished her prayer with the promise to sacrifice her next meal to Him. She was quite pleased with herself for thinking of that, because if Xohora accepted the bargain, then He had to spare her long enough for her to pay His price.

Provided the God of the darktime honoured the bargain.

Satisfied that she had taken every precaution that she possibly could under the circumstances, Talioth held her breath once more, and pushed her head and shoulders back into the Lesser Void. She repeated the pattern, over and over, until she had seen Syarell defiantly skinflash orange-red at Xohora, as He dragged Her down from the Greater Void.

Talioth saw the Mother of all Life bleed to death on a distant part of the End of the World-Ocean, as Xohora claimed Her as His own once more. As He had done every darkrise since the world began.

The only thing that broke Talioth’s observation pattern was the fish. It slipped between the ribbons of the spineweed, and came face to face with her as she caught her breath after gazing into the Void. The fish was fast, but she was faster, impaling it on the hooked talons that tipped her webbed fingers.

All she had to do to inject her venom into her prey was contract the muscles in her fingertips. But she didn’t. She didn’t like the taste of envenomed food. Yes, that was the reason. Nothing else.

Her prize was about the length of her arm, a plump and tender weedlurker that would make an excellent meal. She drew the fish towards her, opening her mouth and baring her needle teeth. And then she paused, remembering her earlier prayer-curse just as she was about to bite the weedlurker’s head off. The fish was not hers, but Xohora’s due.

Weedlurker was Talioth’s favourite!

As Talioth struggled to think of a way to avoid her religious obligations without inciting the Eater to acts of divine retribution, the weedlurker seemed to sense that her attention was elsewhere. With a jerk, the fish wrenched itself free. In a flash of weed-green scales it was gone, with only a faint trail of blood to show that it had ever been.

Talioth had failed. She hadn’t sacrificed the fish to Xohora, as she had sworn to do.

But wait. She hadn’t promised that fish. She had simply promised her next meal. As long as she sacrificed a decent meal before she ate again, she had nothing to worry about.

She hoped.

Words could be as slippery as fish, in some mouths. That was what her mother often said, anyway. Usually when Talioth was offering some improbable explanation for her latest mischief.

She prayed the Eater would be satisfied with the taste of her slippery words for a little while longer. At least until the Mother of all Life was reborn, to once more cast her light across the reefs and shallows of the World-Ocean.

For this darktime would be the last chance Talioth would ever have to gaze upon the stars, those tiny Daughters of the Mother, defying the darkness of the Greater Void to give life to their unimaginably distant World-Oceans. This darktime would be her last chance to pretend that she was truly a Watcher.

[hopewrites]

I enjoyed your imagery, the way this underwater world is painted from the perspective of one of its inhabitants. I like the way the society is show through her reminiscences about transgressions against it and the use of religion she is afraid to not believe in.
I especially enjoyed your description of what air is like, and the forbidden joy accompanied by the pain of tasting it.

Good luck with it in future, its an intriguing little snippet you've shared with us.

[David Evil Overlord]

Thank you, Hope.

[TheDustyZebra]

Congratulations on the 1000th! You sure didn't waste any time, did you?

I'll try to get back and read when I have enough time.

[fishii]

I really like this piece and don't see anything wrong with it. I really like the way it paints picture in the mind of the reader. Sorry that's really not much help is it?

[David Evil Overlord]

Thanks, TDZ.

Fishii, if you're telling me I'm doing it right, then yes, that helps.

[Bowler1]

Where I had expected some emotion, fear of the warriors, Talioth never express these feelings and for me it was a missed opportunity to bring the reader in closer to the character. However there was a lot of implied emotion so it could just be me. I read it and enjoyed it DOE but it did lack a bit of feeling for me. On the good side you’re alien(s) are impressive mate with a lot of implied social and political information presented in a very tidy way. I found the section a little heavy as there was a lot of new concepts presented very quickly. Would I read on, of course I would you have done more than enough to keep me reading on, a high standard as ever.

Where you get the time to post and write baffles me DOE. Well done on your 1k post.

[mithril]

I like the whole thing I even like how my brain has to work to figure out certain things (for example Talioth talking about the Sun) My only small bit of complaint is I still don't have much of a picture of what kind of species Talioth is... maybe my brain isn't working enough

[hopewrites]

Originally Posted by mithril

I like the whole thing I even like how my brain has to work to figure out certain things (for example Talioth talking about the Sun) My only small bit of complaint is I still don't have much of a picture of what kind of species Talioth is... maybe my brain isn't working enough

No I'll agree with you there. She's got to be some sort of murmaid, the tentacles in her hair throw me a little, but I'm still getting an overall mermaid like being.

[David Evil Overlord]

Bowler -- there was a reveal coming later. She's not afraid the warriors are going to kill her, but catch her and drag her back before the Warrior Primary (her mother), who will make her "choose" the Warrior's Guild when she really wants to be a Watcher (an astronomer).

Mithril -- glad you liked it. There is more on Talioth's biology later. And even more when the human starship arrives (although the humans are planned-but-totally-unwritten so far).

Hope -- correct. A mermaid she is. The tentacles are a kind of gill structure that looks like she's wearing a large sea anemone as a hat.

[hopewrites]

That's almost what I pictured. I had the anemone like thing off center in her hair like a feathery clip I sometimes like to wear. And gills on her ribs and or neck. I liked the idea of having them on her ribs, but they seemed to be more neckish when she was out of water.

[mithril]

And here i got a somewhat confused impression that she was somewhat shark like (her dorsal fin and her flickering tail)

I think I mentally did not notice the mermaid references (anemone strands of her gills stick to her head and shoulders, hooked talons that tipped her webbed fingers, etc etc) at all Dunno where my mind is today...

[chrispenycate]

An appealing creation. Manipulative organs – not very good ones, admittedly, unless those claws are retractable – external gills, a swim bladder and ichthic propulsion. I do wonder how she could look over her 'shoulder' while swimming fast - wouldn't that ruin her streamlining?

When Syarell died and the World-Ocean sunk into the darktime once more,

Sank – and would an aquatic species consider descent equivalent to decay? I suppose if they were middle swimmers rather than bottom dwellers they might.

Now a couple of technical quibbles; would a gill breather be able to "take a deep breath"? It would seem a bit difficult for a metabolism like that to build up a reserve of oxygen.

And why would her eyes be able to focus in air as well as water? A dolphin, that's obvious, even a crab, but anything evolved for a totally aqueous existence you need an explanation for that extra adaptability.

[David Evil Overlord]

Looking over her shoulder would ruin her streamlining. But she did want to know if anyone had realised she was "running" away yet.

I honestly don't know if a gill breather could take a deep breath. Since she couldn't breathe air, it just seemed appropriate, on the basis of no research whatsoever.

As for why her eyes can focus in air as well as water, all I can say is (spoiler alert).

[The Judge]

Congratulations on the 1,000th! And well done for adhering to ancient and revered tradition!

It's a nicely written piece. Well done.

I do have a problem with the opening line, though. It's good and dramatic, but of course it's false drama. As written we think it's a person who is about to die, which naturally gets us all involved -- Who is going to die? What relation to this narrating person? Family? The king? And how? Violence? Old age? -- whereas (if I'm reading it right) it's just sunset. While as written it gives an immediate hook to the writing, this kind of dishonesty can be a double-edged sword, since once readers realise they've been tricked it can lead to a distancing effect. I can't say it annoyed me, as such, but I think sub-consciously it affected the way I read the rest -- I wasn't prepared to invest in this character if I was likely to be tricked again. Mind, that might also have been due to the point Bowler makes, the lack of obvious emotion. It read, for me, at something of a remove throughout. I was watching her but I wasn't in the water with her.

You give a lot of information here, and thought it's deftly done, I do wonder if there's a trifle too much coming at us for the first pages, especially with all the different names. I think I'd be tempted to drop some of the detail here and introduce things a little more gradually.

The other thing I wondered about is tone. I was going to say it read as immature, which might sound pejorative, and certainly isn't what I intend. She sounds young, perhaps is better, and since this is her POV, that's bleeding into the story as a whole. As a consequence it read to me as very much as a book for YA, and not the upper end of YA, either. Is that the market you're going for?

And if she's an arcati, are we about to see spirits?