First in Space:Extremes

[TomS]

This is the very beginning of my book. I have it set up as a prologue and I've spoken with someone who says I should drop the prologue altogether. I'm still submitting these first 1490 words so it can be critiqued on style and anything else that needs it. This all takes place around 250 years before the true start of the story and even though I don't show it here, three of these characters die in the prologue. I already know that I don't like the way the second paragraph ends. It doesn't flow into what comes directly after. That's because I've already cut an 1100+ word scene that serves no purpose whatsoever. If it transpires that I use this material, I will fix the end of that second paragraph. I couldn't here because space doesn't allow.

First in Space:Extremes

Is anybody listening? This question has been asked by everybody in one form or another ever since the first time someone figured out that they could block someone else out with their own stray thoughts. The question has been asked of each other. It has been asked of politicians, of heroes, of celebrities, of audiences, of lovers, and of God. No one has ever been given a straight answer.

Now the human race is looking one last time for that companionship that we can’t seem to give each other no matter how much we say that we have. We look to the one place where we need to listen hard in order to know if we’ve been heard. We look to where some say it all began. We look to the stars.



Europa: 2092.
Ice. Mountains of ice. Valleys of ice. Rivers of ice. Ravines, plains, lenticulae, and craters of ice. Jupiter’s ruling presence dominated the sky, its washed out colored bands and storms clearly visible in Europa’s nearly atmosphere-free sky. Despite the low surface temperature, Europa still had an internal heat source courtesy of the enormous tidal squeezing of Jupiter. Long thought that there was an ocean of water, or at least slush, under all of the ice, there were a few places under the ice that never got warm enough. It was upon one of those areas, dubbed “islands” by the crew, that the base was constructed under a solid dome of lead mixed with gold from asteroids along the way, frantically found and mined by robotic “aardvarks”, dubbed as such due to the appearance of the long curving drill and suction appendage. The raw materials were then shipped to a factory orbiting Europa which then sent the pieces down to the surface to be assembled by another set of robots.

The singular mission of the crew was simple in its conception: Bore through the ice and look for the life that is most assuredly there. The successful mission to Mars thirty-nine years earlier in 2053 revealed the existence of single-celled organisms living very near the surface, along the edges of the northern water ice cap. It was highly noted that these creatures were virtually indistinguishable from bacteria living in similar environments on Earth. The discovery gave strength to the theory that life is abundant in the solar system and that, in fact, when the solar system formed the building blocks for life were included in the nascent nebula, and therefore all in the same mold – the very definition of “life as we know it.” Without that piece of the puzzle, there was no real reason to assume, as many did, that the correct conditions for life made the existence of that life a foregone conclusion. So, Europa was simple in conception, but another story in practice for one simple reason: If you want to be an astronaut bad enough, you’ll do whatever it takes, including lying on the psyche test. Behind every calm exterior lies a monster. Or two.

Gary Laskey strode down the corridor looking for something –anything- to do. His part of the mission, piloting the submarine, couldn’t begin until the drill was ready and was already through the ice. When he became restless, he would usually make his way to the drill structure and look over the technicians’ shoulders. Ironically, the closer the drill got to being prepped, the worse his impatience became. As he made his way into the drill housing chamber, Karen, the drill programming technician, greeted him.

“Good afternoon, sir,” said Karen. “Quite a trick of engineering to haul this enormous rig over 400 million miles along with all the-“

“No way was the drill supposed to be this big.”

Gary’s left-field retort threw her off guard, “What – what do you mean?”

Gary sighed at her ignorance, “When this mission was originally conceived over 60 years ago, it was going to be an unmanned probe. But the manned mission to Mars was such a success that NASA and ESA decided that the mission to search for life here on Europa should also be manned.”

“Well, what does that have to do with the size?”

“Everything,” snapped Gary. “The insulated robotic probe evolved into a two-man submarine and therefore, the heated hollow drill with the same insulation had to be wide enough to accommodate its size. I would expect you to know all of that since you’re working on it. I don’t suppose you know how long it will be before it will be ready?”

The technician had put on a blank face during all of this and had continued adjusting the depth settings according to the telemetry that was provided to her. She knew it wouldn’t take much with someone so insecure. “I’m not sure,” she said with a smirk. “But then, that would be entirely up to me.”

Gary raised an eyebrow and pursed his lips. Karen thought he looked like a child taking his ball and going home as he stomped away from her down the corridor.

Gary continued his walk and made his way up to the balcony that ringed the inside of the dome. It was there that a small observation room had been constructed, the small nine inch thick window through which one could often look at Jupiter’s imposing storms was guarded by the dome outside when not in use. He walked around the balcony to this room and went inside. The window was covered by the dome and kneeling in one corner was Ross Sanders, his head lowered in deep contemplation and holding something small and unseen in his hands. Ross was the second crewman on the sub-ice mission.

“You OK?” asked Gary without a shred of real concern. “You sick or something?”

Slowly, Ross took a slow, deep breath and turned his head annoyed toward Gary and said, “No.” before returning to his thoughts.

Gary’s lip curled in a sneer before asking, “Lose a contact?”

“No, Gary!” Ross replied between clenched teeth. “I’m fine.”

Knowing that his privacy was interrupted, Ross brought his hands to his lips and kissed the small metal cross before tucking it back under his shirt.
Gary didn’t even bother to hold back a loud scoff before saying, “Just keep that **** to yourself when we’re down there.” As Gary turned to leave, he didn’t even notice the intense glare that Ross shot at his back.



Justin was having trouble finding the right words.

“Everyone is just so…stupid,” he murmured not daring to even look at his parents, let alone into their eyes.

“I hope you don’t say that out loud,” replied his mother. “Do you know how you can make some people feel when you say that?”

“Feel.” scoffed Justin. He raised his head and glared at her with dark patches under his bloodshot eyes. “That’s the problem. Nobody acts like they feel anything. They…it’s not even human. I don’t feel like one of…you.” That final word carried with it a large measure of disdain.

His father, who had been sitting silently at the table from the beginning, looked over at his son. “Watch your tone, son, or you’ll know all about feeling.”

Justin dropped his eyes again and looked at his hands. He fell into a silence, wishing for nothing more than to be left alone. It was his mother who spoke first.

“What is it about people that you think is so stupid?”

“It’s…I don’t know. It’s just how freaked out they get over stuff that doesn’t matter. The nothing details of games invented for no reason. How they totally ignore things that really matter as if they don’t exist. As if they aren’t even listening.”

“I’m not sure what you mean.” replied his mother.

“Do you realize you just contradicted yourself?” his father interrupted. “What are these games? Tell me what they are.”

Justin closed his eyes, shook his head and grabbed on to the hair above his forehead. “Money…God…Politics. Stupid. They don’t care what it means to actually live.”

“Do you know what it means to actually live?”

Justin pulled harder on his hair and said nothing.

“Honey,” said his mother gently. “There’s something I want us to watch together. Maybe it will change your mind about some of these things.”

“What?”

“Well, later on tonight there’s going to be a live broadcast from Europa. It’s one of the moons of Jupiter.”

“I know what Europa is,” snapped Justin.

“Freaking out over nothing,” his father thought.

“OK, Justin,” continued his mother. “Well, there are astronauts there right now and they’re going to be looking under the ice to look for new life there. Wouldn’t you like to see that?”

“It took money, politics, and God to get us there, too.” offered his father. “You might want to think about that while you’re watching.”

Justin looked at his father with a combination eye roll and twitchy flutter of his eyelids but then said, “Yeah. Sure. Whatever.”

[springs]

Originally Posted by TomS

First in Space:Extremes

Is anybody listening? This question has been asked by everybody in one form or another ever since the first time someone figured out that they could block someone else out with their own stray thoughts.I'm not sure if its intentional, but this sentence wandered a lot for me. If its a wordy narrators voice, then its fine, but if not, it could be tightened. The question has been asked of each other. It has been asked of politicians, of heroes, of celebrities, of audiences, of lovers, and of God. No one has ever been given a straight answer.

Now the human race is looking one last time for that companionship that we can’t seem to give each other no matter how much we say that we have. We look to the one place where we need to listen hard in order to know if we’ve been heard. We look to where some say it all began. We look to the stars.



Europa: 2092.
Ice. Mountains of ice. Valleys of ice. Rivers of ice. Ravines, plains, lenticulae, and craters of ice. Jupiter’s ruling presence dominated the sky, its washed out colored bands and storms clearly visible in Europa’s nearly atmosphere-free sky. Despite the low surface temperature, Europa still had an internal heat source courtesy of the enormous tidal squeezing of Jupiter. Long thoughtIt was long thought? that there was an ocean of water, or at least slush, under all of the ice,I think this needs a full stop. there were a few places under the ice that never got warm enough.I don't understand this, warm enough for what? It was upon one of those areas, dubbed “islands” by the crew, that the base was constructed under a solid dome of lead mixed with gold from asteroids along the way, frantically found and mined by robotic “aardvarks”, dubbed as such due to the appearance of the long curving drill and suction appendageagain this seems a little wordy to me. The raw materials were then shipped to a factory orbiting Europa which thenthen could go sent the pieces down to the surface to be assembled by another set of robotsI think this could go..

I don't know enough about the science to comment, so I'll watch with interest, but some of it seemed hard to imagine.

The singular mission of the crew was simple in its conception: boreBore through the ice and look for the life that is most assuredly there. The successful mission to Mars thirty-nine years earlier in 2053 revealed the existence of single-celled organisms living very near the surface, along the edges of the northern water ice cap. It was highly noted that these creatures were virtually indistinguishable from bacteria living in similar environments on Earth.

The discovery gave strength to the theory that life is abundant in the solar system and that, in fact, when the solar system formed the building blocks for life were included in the nascent nebula, and therefore all in the same mold – the very definition of “life as we know it.”

For me, this sentence is too long, and it tells me stuff I've already worked out.

The discovery strengthened the theory that there is an abundance of life in the solar system. In fact, when it was formed the building blocks were included in the nascent nebula, the very definition of "life as we know it". A little tighter?

Without that piece of the puzzle,drop comma there was no real reason to assume, as many did, that the correct conditions for life made the existence of that life a foregone conclusion. So, Europa was simple in conception, but another story in practice for one simple reason: If you want to be an astronaut bad enough, you’ll do whatever it takes, including lying on the psyche test. Behind every calm exterior lies a monster. Or two.this is a bit confusing. We went from philosophy about creation to someone's take on being an astronaut.

Gary Laskey strode down the corridor looking for something –anything- to do. His part of the mission, piloting the submarine, couldn’t begin until the drill was ready and was already through the ice. When he became restless, he would usually make his way to the drill structure and look over the technicians’ shoulders. Ironically, the closer the drill got to being prepped, the worse his impatience became. As he made his way into the drill housing chamber, Karen, the drill programming technician, greeted him.

“Good afternoon, sirSir, I think since it's his title,” said Karen. “Quite a trick of engineering to haul this enormous rig over 400four hundred million - apparently numbers in dialogue get written in full - million miles along with all the-“

“No way was the drill supposed to be this big.”

Gary’s left-field retort threw her off guard,I'd do a full stop and new sentence for the dialogue - it's clearer who's speaking. “What – what do you mean?”

Gary sighed at her ignorance,full stop. “When this mission was originally conceived over 60 years ago, it was going to be an unmanned probe. But the manned mission to Mars was such a success that NASA and ESA decided that the mission to search for life here on Europa should also be manned.”

“Well, what does that have to do with the size?”I'm surprised she doesn't know this, given she works there.

“Everything,” snapped Gary. “The insulated robotic probe evolved into a two-man submarine and therefore, the heated hollow drill with the same insulation had to be wide enough to accommodate its size. I would expect you to know all of that since you’re working on it. I don’t suppose you know how long it will be before it will be ready?”

The technician had put on a blank face during all of this and had continued adjusting the depth settings according to the telemetry that was provided to her. you switch to her pov here.She knew it wouldn’t take much with someone so insecure. “I’m not sure,” she said with a smirk. “But then, that would be entirely up to me.”

Gary raised an eyebrow and pursed his lips. Karen thought he looked like a child taking his ball and going home as he stomped away from her down the corridor. I like this.

now we're back to gary's pov.Gary continued his walk and made his way up to the balcony that ringed the inside of the dome. It was there that a small observation room had been constructed, the small nine inch thick window through which one could often look at Jupiter’s imposing storms was guarded by the dome outsidehow? when not in use. He walked around the balcony to this room and went inside. The window was covered by the dome and kneeling in one corner was Ross Sanders, his head lowered in deep contemplation and holding something small and unseen in his hands. Ross was the second crewman on the sub-ice mission.

“You OK?” asked Gary without a shred of real concernthis made me smile. “You sick or something?”

Slowly, Ross took a slow, deep breath and turned his head annoyed toward Gary and said, “No.comma” before returning to his thoughts.

Gary’s lip curled in a sneer before asking, “Lose a contact?”

“No, Gary!” Ross replied between clenched teeth. “I’m fine.”

Knowing that his privacy was interrupted, Ross brought his hands to his lips and kissed the small metal cross before tucking it back under his shirt.
Gary didn’t even bother to hold back a loud scoff before saying, “Just keep that **** to yourself when we’re down there.” As Gary turned to leave, he didn’t even notice the intense glare that Ross shot at his back.pov was hard to follow in this paragraph - i think we start with Ross, then go to Gary and then to the narrator.



Justin was having trouble finding the right words.

“Everyone is just so…stupid,” he murmured not daring to even look at his parents, let alone into their eyes.

“I hope you don’t say that out loud,” replied his mother. “Do you know how you can make some people feel when you say that?”

“Feel.comma” scoffed Justin. He raised his head and glared at her with dark patches under his bloodshot eyes. “That’s the problem. Nobody acts like they feel anything. They…it’s not even human. I don’t feel like one of…you.” That final word carried with it a large measure of disdain.

His father, who had been sitting silently at the table from the beginning, looked over at his son if you lose this, you lose the repetition of son?. “Watch your tone, son, or you’ll know all about feeling.”

Justin dropped his eyes again and looked at his hands. He fell into a silence, wishing for nothing more than to be left alone. It was his mother who spoke first.

“What is it about people that you think is so stupid?”

“It’s…I don’t know. It’s just how freaked out they get over stuff that doesn’t matter. The nothing details of games invented for no reason. How they totally ignore things that really matter as if they don’t exist. As if they aren’t even listening.”

“I’m not sure what you mean.comma” replied his mother.

“Do you realize you just contradicted yourself?” his father interrupted. “What are these games? Tell me what they are.”

Justin closed his eyes, shook his head and grabbed on to the hair above his forehead. “Money…God…Politics. Stupid. They don’t care what it means to actually live.”

“Do you know what it means to actually live?”

Justin pulled harder on his hair and said nothing.

“Honey,” said his mother gently. “There’s something I want us to watch together. Maybe it will change your mind about some of these things.”

“What?”

“Well, later on tonight there’s going to be a live broadcast from Europa. It’s one of the moons of Jupiter.”

“I know what Europa is,” snapped Justin.

“Freaking out over nothing,”if he thought it I'd italicise the thought, rather than use speech brackets. But, to know his father's thoughts teh scene needs to be told from the's point of view. his father thought.

“OK, Justin,” continued his mother. “Well, there are astronauts there right now and they’re going to be looking under the ice to look for new life there. Wouldn’t you like to see that?”

“It took money, politics, and God to get us there, too.” offered his father. “You might want to think about that while you’re watching.”

Justin looked at his father with a combination eye roll and twitchy flutter of his eyelids but then saidI like the eye roll and eyelids. , “Yeah. Sure. Whatever.”

Hi Tom S, welcome to crits: I threw a few things in above. The setting is intriguing, the young character sufficiently moody to make me smile. I think some of your sentences are a little long and could be tightened. I also think if you had one point of view character for each scene, it would make it easier for me to follow - it jumps a little bit. Hope it's useful.

[Tecdavid]

Hi there, Tom.
I'm still not so confident in my ability to critique, and this was a rather long excerpt, so I apologise if what I say isn't precisely clear or particularly helpful, but I'll try.

I like the overall setting. As far as I'm aware, a specifically icy setting within a space exploration story hasn't really been done before. And I think the second paragraph you mentioned is actually a good inclusion. I feel it helps clarify the setting and atmosphere rather well.

I have to agree with Strings in that some sentences can run on a little, and lack a smooth flow. An example would be "its washed out colored bands and storms clearly visible in Europa’s nearly atmosphere-free sky" - That extra detail seems a little cumbersome. It disrupts things.
I understand that this is difficult to avoid when you want to convey the details and specifics, and depending on what kind of narrative you want to display, I suppose it’s up to you whether you want to tone it down at all.

The characters appear a little grouchy for my tastes, but that's purely my opinion. Some might be put off by their manner, however, unless there's a reason behind their starkness.

[chrispenycate]

Originally Posted by TomS

First in Space:Extremes

Is anybody listening? This question has been asked by everybody in one form or another ever since the first time someone figured out that they could block someone else out with their own stray thoughts. The question has been asked of each other.

Who being the "each"?

It has been asked of politicians, of heroes, of celebrities, of audiences, of lovers, and of God. No one has ever been given a straight answer.

Now the human race is looking one last

Why "last"? Except in the unlikely eventuality that it be found.

time for that companionship that we can’t seem to give each other no matter how much we say that we have. We look to the one place where we need to listen hard in order to know if we’ve been heard. We look to where some say it all began. We look to the stars.



Europa: 2092.
Ice. Mountains of ice. Valleys of ice. Rivers of ice. Ravines, plains, lenticulae, and craters of ice. Jupiter’s ruling presence dominated the sky, its washed out colored

Washed out? Perhaps the photos I've seen were 'colour enhanced', but it looked pretty garish to me.

bands and storms clearly visible in Europa’s nearly atmosphere-free sky. Despite the low surface temperature, Europa still had an internal heat source

Probably comma?

courtesy of the enormous tidal squeezing of Jupiter.

Is this a character called "Long"? If not, probably "It had long been thought" or something similar (with the necessary adjustments later on in the sentence).

Long thought that there was an ocean of water, or at least slush, under all of the ice,

Comma splice

there were a few places under the ice that never got warm enough. It was upon one of those areas, dubbed “islands” by the crew, that the base was constructed under a solid dome of lead mixed with gold from asteroids along the way, frantically found and mined by robotic “aardvarks”, dubbed as such due to the appearance of the long curving drill and suction appendage. The raw materials were then shipped to a factory orbiting Europa which then sent the pieces down to the surface to be assembled by another set of robots.

Punctuation? Try reading this sentence end to end without a breath.

The singular

Why "singular"? (what was so unusual about it, except in so far as all space missions at this point are unique?) Should that have been "single"?

mission of the crew was simple in its conception:

No need for upper case after a colon.

Bore through the ice and look for the life that is most assuredly there. The successful mission to Mars

Comma

thirty-nine years earlier in 2053

Comma had

revealed the existence of single-celled organisms living very near the surface, along the edges of the northern water ice cap. It was highly

Don't think "highly" is the best adverb possible here (assuming you need an adverb).

noted that these creatures were virtually indistinguishable from bacteria living in similar environments on Earth. The discovery gave strength to the theory that life is abundant in the solar system and that, in fact, when the solar system formed

Comma

the building blocks for life were included in the nascent nebula,

Hmm, more likely carried around by comet; the surface of the Earth for the first billion or so orbits after formation was not conducive to the survival of those amino acids and such that you dub 'building blocks', much less so for a cellular structure, which is what you are suggesting with your "virtually indistinguishable". But it's just as likely to be spores driven into space by volcanic eruptions on the first planet to develop a reproducing organism.Hmm, in the same mould?

and therefore all in the same mold – the very definition of “life as we know it.” Without that piece of the puzzle, there was no real reason to assume, as many did, that the correct conditions for life made the existence of that life a foregone conclusion. So, Europa was simple in conception, but another story in practice for one simple reason:

I don't see why this concept is in the same paragraph as the dissemination of life. It seems to me totally independent.

If you want to be an astronaut bad enough, you’ll do whatever it takes, including lying on the psyche test. Behind every calm exterior lies a monster. Or two.

Gary Laskey strode down the corridor looking for something –anything- to do. His part of the mission, piloting the submarine, couldn’t begin until the drill was ready and was already through the ice. When he became restless, he would usually make his way to the drill structure and look over the technicians’ shoulders. Ironically, the closer the drill got to being prepped, the worse his impatience became. As he made his way into the drill housing chamber, Karen, the drill programming technician, greeted him.

“Good afternoon, sir,” said Karen. “Quite a trick of engineering to haul this enormous rig over 400 million miles along with all the-“

“No way was the drill supposed to be this big.”

Gary’s left-field retort threw her off guard, “What – what do you mean?”

Gary sighed at her ignorance, “When this mission was originally conceived over 60 years ago, it was going to be an unmanned probe. But the manned mission to Mars was such a success that NASA and ESA decided that the mission to search for life here on Europa should also be manned.”

“Well, what does that have to do with the size?”

“Everything,” snapped Gary. “The insulated robotic probe evolved into a two-man submarine and therefore, the heated hollow drill with the same insulation had to be wide enough to accommodate its size. I would expect you to know all of that since you’re working on it. I don’t suppose you know how long it will be before it will be ready?”

The technician had put on a blank face during all of this and had continued adjusting the depth settings according to the telemetry that was provided to her. She knew it wouldn’t take much with someone so insecure.

Sorry, what wouldn't take much? Making him flip his lid?

“I’m not sure,” she said with a smirk. “But then, that would be entirely up to me.”

I do hope she's being ironic not, as it would appear, owning up to dragging her feet.

Gary raised an eyebrow and pursed his lips. Karen thought he looked like a child taking his ball and going home as he stomped away from her down the corridor.

What's the gravitational field on Europa? I wouldn't think you could stomp in that; be forever hitting your head on the roof (I was even a bit hesitant at the earlier "strode").

Gary continued his walk and made his way up to the balcony that ringed the inside of the dome. It was there that a small observation room had been constructed,

Comma splice

the small nine inch thick window through which one could often look at Jupiter’s imposing storms was guarded by the dome outside when not in use. He walked around the balcony to this room and went inside. The window was covered by the dome and kneeling in one corner was Ross Sanders, his head lowered in deep contemplation and

His head is holding something?

holding something small and unseen in his hands. Ross was the second crewman on the sub-ice mission.

“You OK?” asked Gary

Comma

without a shred of real concern. “You sick or something?”

Slowly, Ross took a slow, deep breath and, annoyed, turned his head toward Gary and said, “No.” before returning to his thoughts.

Gary’s lip curled in a sneer before asking, “Lose a contact?”

“No, Gary!” Ross replied between clenched teeth. “I’m fine.”

Knowing that his privacy was interrupted

Of course he'd noticed it being interrupted, but what you're trying to indicate is that it was terminated, would not be returning.

, Ross brought his hands to his lips and kissed the small metal cross before tucking it back under his shirt.
Gary didn’t even bother to hold back a loud scoff before saying, “Just keep that **** to yourself when we’re down there.” As Gary turned to leave, he didn’t even notice the intense glare that Ross shot at his back.



Justin was having trouble finding the right words.

“Everyone is just so…stupid,” he murmured

Comma

not daring to

Split infinitive

even look at his parents, let alone into their eyes.

“I hope you don’t say that out loud,” replied his mother. “Do you know how you can make some people feel when you say that?”

“Feel.” scoffed Justin. He raised his head and glared at her with dark patches under his bloodshot eyes. “That’s the problem. Nobody acts like they feel anything. They…it’s not even human. I don’t feel like one of…you.” That final word carried with it a large measure of disdain.

His father, who had been sitting silently at the table from the beginning, looked over at his son. “Watch your tone, son, or you’ll know all about feeling.”

Justin dropped his eyes again and looked at his hands. He fell into a silence, wishing for nothing more than to be left alone. It was his mother who spoke first.

“What is it about people that you think is so stupid?”

“It’s…I don’t know. It’s just how freaked out they get over stuff that doesn’t matter. The nothing details of games invented for no reason. How they totally ignore things that really matter as if they don’t exist. As if they aren’t even listening.”

“I’m not sure what you mean.” replied his mother.

“Do you realize you just contradicted yourself?” his father interrupted. “What are these games? Tell me what they are.”

Justin closed his eyes, shook his head and grabbed on to the hair above his forehead. “Money…God…Politics. Stupid. They don’t care what it means to actually live.”

“Do you know what it means to actually live?”

Justin pulled harder on his hair and said nothing.

“Honey,” said his mother gently. “There’s something I want us to watch together. Maybe it will change your mind about some of these things.”

“What?”

“Well, later on tonight there’s going to be a live broadcast from Europa. It’s one of the moons of Jupiter.”

“I know what Europa is,” snapped Justin.

“Freaking out over nothing,” his father thought.

Difficult as you're already in italics, but I feel interior thoughts should be distinguished from verbal communication.

“OK, Justin,” continued his mother. “Well, there are astronauts there right now and they’re going to be looking under the ice to look for new life there. Wouldn’t you like to see that?”

“It took money, politics, and God to get us there, too.”

I think "offered" holds as a direct speech attribution; I'd put a comma here, rather than the period.

offered his father. “You might want to think about that while you’re watching.”

Justin looked at his father with a combination eye roll and twitchy flutter of his eyelids but then said, “Yeah. Sure. Whatever.”

I'll discuss the building of the dome out of metals as soft (all right, I don't know the tensile strength of gold at minus oodles of degrees Celsius, but it's unlikely to be an optimised building material) as you've chosen rather than a thicker coating of readily available ice, and my technique for screening against charged particles (very well suited to low temperatures, as it involves superconductors) somewhere else, as this was intended to be a critique of the writing.

[TomS]

Originally Posted by Tecdavid

I like the overall setting. As far as I'm aware, a specifically icy setting within a space exploration story hasn't really been done before. And I think the second paragraph you mentioned is actually a good inclusion. I feel it helps clarify the setting and atmosphere rather well.

I have to agree with Strings in that some sentences can run on a little, and lack a smooth flow. An example would be "its washed out colored bands and storms clearly visible in Europa’s nearly atmosphere-free sky" - That extra detail seems a little cumbersome. It disrupts things.
I understand that this is difficult to avoid when you want to convey the details and specifics, and depending on what kind of narrative you want to display, I suppose it’s up to you whether you want to tone it down at all.

The characters appear a little grouchy for my tastes, but that's purely my opinion. Some might be put off by their manner, however, unless there's a reason behind their starkness.

Well, you're right that it's difficult to avoid those extra details when they're in your head and demand release. I suspect that's how it will always be: putting in too much because I have to for me and then taking it away for the reader. I don't know if or when I'll ever be able to recognize it for myself.

There is a reason why the characters seem grouchy. They're actually meant to be a little more than grouchy. The two arguing on Europa are dangerous men who believe they are the only one's who are right. This is hard to tell at this point because what I have here is only the first half of the prologue. I'm still keeping in mind that it's likely that I won't be keeping this prologue. I did try to write it as well as I could, hoping that it sets the mood that I want. But it's also true that I could create the mood retrospectively by going straight to the story at large. It's a tough one. A tough decision. Not in terms of getting rid of something I wrote due to my ego, but in terms of which would be more effective writing.

It can't be seen yet, because it's in the second half, but the prologue provides a one-two punch of high drama at the beginning of the book and without the prologue, it's just not there until the third chapter, which is already written in initial draft form (No one but me has seen it). It's a long process but it's what needs to be done.

[chrispenycate]

Originally Posted by foxhead

As far as I'm aware, a specifically icy setting within a space exploration story hasn't really been done before.

Actually, Charles Sheffield's "Cold as Ice" is largely set on Europa, (they've got a two man submarine, too) and addresses a problem this story is going to have to face; if you have a manned expedition seeking primitive life forms, how do you avoid contamination? If those Martian bacteria were so similar to terrestrial species, how can you be absolutely certain they hadn't travelled with the rocket; steerage, of course?

[RcGrant]

Hey Tom

First off, congrats for posting - it's a massive step, and your writing can only improve as a result. Hopefully something I say will be of some use.

I haven't read what everyone else has put yet.

I won't focus so much on grammar/punctuation corrections as I am sure Chrispenycate has already done so. My comments are in red.

Originally Posted by TomS

First in Space:Extremes

Is anybody listening? I always wonder if it is wise starting with a question. It takes the focus away from the words, and puts it firmly on the reader. Interesting choice of question, however. This question has been asked by everybody in one form or another ever since the first time someone figured out that they could block someone else out with their own stray thoughts. Sentence really drags, and it is passive. How about something like "Everyone has asked this question since..."? The question has been asked of each other.I'd lose this sentence. It has been asked of politicians, of heroes, of celebrities, of audiences, of lovers, and of God. No one has ever been given a straight answer.I'd reduce this to just "No one has given a straight answer", or even better: "A straight answer has never been given."

Now the human race is looking one last time for that "that" is often a redundant word. Removing it can tighten your writing. companionship that we can’t seem to give each other no matter how much we say that we have. Seems muddled. I'd try and make it clearer. We look to the one place where we need to listen hard in order to know if we’ve been heard. We look to where some say it all began. We look to the stars. I like these last few lines.



Europa: 2092.
Ice. Mountains of ice. Valleys of ice. Rivers of ice. I'm not convinced I like the repetition. Ravines, plains, lenticulae, and craters of ice. Jupiter’s ruling presence dominated the sky, its washed out colored bands and storms clearly visible in Europa’s nearly I'd scrap "nearly" atmosphere-free sky. Despite the low surface temperature, Europa still had an internal heat source courtesy of the enormous tidal squeezing of Jupiter. Long thought that pesky "that" again! there was an ocean of water, or at least slush, Be decisive. Stick to water under all of the ice, there were a few scrap "few" places under the ice that never got warm enough scrap "enough". It was upon one of those areas, dubbed “islands” by the crew, thatthe base was constructed under a solid dome of lead mixed with gold from asteroids along the way, frantically found and mined by robotic “aardvarks”, dubbed as such due to the appearance of the long curving drill and suction appendage. Epic sentence. I'd rethink the whole thing. I like the aardvarks though. The raw materials were then scrap "then" shipped to a factory orbiting Europa which then sent the pieces down to the surface to be assembled by another set of robots.

The singular mission of the crew was simple in its conception: Bore bore through the ice and look for the life that is most assuredly scrap "most assuredly" there. The successful mission to Mars thirty-nine years earlier in 2053 you don't need to state the date AND thirty years earlier, as the date was mentioned above revealed the existence of single-celled organisms living very scrap "very" near the surface, along the edges of the northern water ice cap. It was highly scrap "highly" noted that scrap "that" these creatures were virtually indistinguishable from bacteria living in similar environments on Earth. The discovery gave strength to the theory that life is abundant in the solar system and that, in fact, when the solar system formed the building blocks for life were included in the nascent nebula, and therefore all in the same mold – the very definition of “life as we know it.” Clumsy sentence. Without that piece of the puzzle, there was no real reason to assume, as many did, that the correct conditions for life made the existence of that life a foregone conclusion lots of "that"s. I'd reword.. So, Europa was simple in conception, but another story in practice for one simple reason: If if (no capital after a colon) you want to be an astronaut badly enough, you’ll do whatever it takes, including lying on the psyche test. Behind every calm exterior lies a monster. Or two.

I found the two paragraphs hard going. I'd rather you give me the action and then add the background info throughout the story.

Gary Laskey strode down the corridor looking for something –anything- to do. His part of the mission, piloting the submarine, couldn’t begin until the drill was ready and was already through the ice. "until the drill was already through the ice" When he became restless, he would usually make his way to the drill structure and look over the technicians’ shoulders. Ironically, the closer the drill got to being prepped, the worse his impatience became. As he made his way into the drill housing chamber, Karen, the drill programming technician, greeted him. I think I would scrap the last bit and just have her say hi, and add her job title into the dialogue tags.

“Good afternoon, sir,” said Karen. “Quite a trick of engineering to haul this enormous rig over 400 million miles along with all the-“ Wouldn't he already know this?

“No way was the drill supposed to be this big.” And she would know this?

Gary’s left-field retort threw her off guard, “What – what do you mean?”

Gary sighed at her ignorance she is dealing with the drill and doesn't know it? Hm..., “When this mission was originally conceived over 60 years ago, it was going to be an unmanned probe. But the manned mission to Mars was such a success that NASA and ESA decided that the mission to search for life here on Europa should also be manned.” Seems like info dump disguised as dialogue.

“Well, what does that have to do with the size?”

“Everything,” snapped Gary. “The insulated robotic probe evolved into a two-man submarine and therefore, (watch the stray commas) the heated hollow drill with the same insulation had to be wide enough to accommodate its size. I would expect you to know all of that since you’re working on it. I don’t suppose you know how long it will be before it will be ready?” I am not finding this exchange believable.

The technician had put on a blank face during all of this scrap "all of this" and had continued adjusting the depth settings according to the telemetry that was provided to her scrap "to her". She knew it wouldn’t take much with someone so insecure. “I’m not sure,” she said with a smirk. “But then, that would be entirely up to me.”

Gary raised an eyebrow and pursed his lips. Karen thought he looked like a child taking his ball and going home as he stomped away from her down the corridor.

Not sure why this interaction happened, other than for the purpose of letting the reader know the background info. Be very careful about writing this way - it can be very off-putting. You have to be aware of your reader, but readers are (generally) savvy, and they'd resent this.

Gary continued his walk and made his way up to the balcony that ringed the inside of the dome"ringing the". It was there that pesky "that" again a small observation room had been constructed, the small repetition of "small" nine inch thick window through which one could often look a bit clumsy at Jupiter’s imposing storms was guarded by the dome outside when not in use. He walked around the balcony to this room and went inside. The window was covered by the dome and kneeling in one corner was Ross Sanders, his head lowered in deep contemplation don't tell us about his contemplation - you're showing us and holding something small and unseen the "something" already implies it is unseen in his hands. Ross was the second crewman on the sub-ice mission.

“You OK?” asked Gary without a shred of real concern. “You sick or something?” I'd lose the first bit of speech and stick with "You sick or something?" and change the dialogue tags to show the lack of concern.

Slowly, Ross took a slow, repetition deep breath and turned his head annoyed his head is annoyed? toward Gary and said, “No.” before returning to his thoughts. 'No,' Ross said, sparing Gary a glance. (Or something similar.)

Gary’s lip curled in a sneer before asking lose "before asking", “Lose a contact?”

“No, Gary!” Ross replied between clenched teeth. “I’m fine.”

Knowing that "that"!! his privacy was interrupted, Ross brought his hands to his lips and kissed the small metal cross before tucking it back under his shirt.
Gary didn’t even bother to hold back a loud scoff before saying, “Just keep that **** to yourself when we’re down there.” As Gary turned to leave, he didn’t even notice the intense glare that Ross shot at his back.



Justin was having trouble finding the right words.

“Everyone is just so…stupid,” he murmured not daring to even look at his parents, let alone into their eyes.

“I hope you don’t say that out loud,” replied his mother. “Do you know how you can make some people feel when you say that?”

“Feel.” scoffed Justin. He raised his head and glared at her with dark patches under his bloodshot eyes. The dark patches were doing the glaring? “That’s the problem. Nobody acts like they feel anything. They…it’s not even human. I don’t feel like one of…you.” That final word carried with it a large measure of disdain.

His father, who had been sitting silently at the table from the beginning, looked over at his son. “Watch your tone, son, or you’ll know all about feeling.”

Justin dropped his eyes again Bet it hurt! and looked at his hands. He fell into a scrap "into a" silence silent, wishing for nothing more than to be left alone. It was his mother who spoke first.

“What is it about people that you think is so stupid?”

“It’s…I don’t know. It’s just how freaked out they get over stuff that doesn’t matter. The nothing details of games invented for no reason.What? How they totally ignore things that really matter as if they don’t exist. As if they aren’t even listening.”

“I’m not sure what you mean.comma” replied his mother.

“Do you realize you just contradicted yourself?” his father interrupted. “What are these games? Tell me what they are.” Repetition

Justin closed his eyes, shook his head and grabbed on to the hair above his forehead. “Money…God…Politics. Stupid. They don’t care what it means to actually live.”

“Do you know what it means to actually live?”

Justin pulled harder on his hair and said nothing.

“Honey,” said his mother gently. “There’s something I want us to watch together. Maybe it will change your mind about some of these things.”

“What?”

“Well, later on tonight there’s going to be a live broadcast from Europa. It’s one of the moons of Jupiter.”

“I know what Europa is,” snapped Justin.

“Freaking out over nothing,” his father thought. Differentiate thought from the speech. Though hearing his father's thoughts would count as head-hopping.

“OK, Justin,” continued his mother. “Well, there are astronauts there right now and they’re going to be looking under the ice to look for new life there. Wouldn’t you like to see that?”

“It took money, politics, and God to get us there, too.” offered his father. “You might want to think about that while you’re watching.”

Justin looked at his father with a combination eye roll and twitchy flutter of his eyelids but then said, “Yeah. Sure. Whatever.” Rather a lot of expression.

I'm a bit confused where it all fits together. I thought Justin's section felt more natural to read than the previous section, and I warmed to him a lot more than the previous characters. He was easily identifiable as a teenager without explaining it, so well done there.

I am curious as to how it all works together. Is Justin the main character? Is Gary? I would perhaps try and simplify it a little. I would also recommend getting hold of a copy of The Elements of Style by Strunk and White.

[I, Brian]

The first couple of paragraphs I personally found too dissociated. There's an attempt to be poetic with it, but I felt it they could be completely removed. Remember, you're telling a story, and if you want to philosophise, get a character to do it IMO.

The next paragraph reads as an info dump history of Europa, which for sci fi readers may be seen as "preaching to the choir".

I know I bang on about this, but I'd say just into the characters are quickly as possible. You don't need any kind of big bang - sci fi readers I should think appreciate a slow build up - but will not appreciate a romantic narrative voice followed by descriptions of a body they will almost certainly be familiar with.

You're writing a novel - that means the character perceptions, thoughts, and insights are what make a novel truly work. Don't be a fraid - just get into them!

2c.

[Bowler1]

Is anybody listening? This question has been asked by everybody in one form or another ever since the first time someone figured out that they could block someone else out with their own stray thoughts. The question has been asked of each other. It has been asked of politicians, of heroes, of celebrities, of audiences, of lovers, and of God. No one has ever been given a straight answer.
Opening lines are very important and are the first and possibly only opportunity to grab the reader, this didn’t grab me.

Now the human race is looking one last time for that companionship that we can’t seem to give each other no matter how much we say that we have. We look to the one place where we need to listen hard in order to know if we’ve been heard. We look to where some say it all began. We look to the stars.
This line lost me as well, sorry mate.


Europa: 2092.
Ice. Mountains of ice. Valleys of ice. Rivers of ice. Ravines, plains, lenticulae, and craters of ice. Jupiter’s ruling presence dominated the sky, its washed out coloured bands and storms clearly visible in Europa’s nearly atmosphere-free sky. Despite the low surface temperature, Europa still had an internal heat source courtesy of the enormous tidal squeezing of Jupiter. Long thought that there was an ocean of water, or at least slush, under all of the ice, there were a few places under the ice that never got warm enough. It was upon one of those areas, dubbed “islands” by the crew, that the base was constructed under a solid dome of lead mixed with gold from asteroids along the way, frantically found and mined by robotic “aardvarks”, dubbed as such due to the appearance of the long curving drill and suction appendage. The raw materials were then shipped to a factory orbiting Europa which then sent the pieces down to the surface to be assembled by another set of robots.
The above is telling and dense but as an opening it sets the scene if a little dull.
I do have a question for you. Why would you make a dome of lead and gold the two softest metals I can think of? These two metals to the best of my knowledge would not be up to supporting a dome under tonnes of ice, if it is under the ice it’s not clear. If you were mining asteroids why not mine the iron ores which are much more common and smelt into steel?

The singular mission of the crew was simple in its conception: Bore through the ice and look for the life that is most assuredly there. The successful mission to Mars thirty-nine years earlier in 2053 revealed the existence of single-celled organisms living very near the surface, along the edges of the northern water ice cap. It was highly noted that these creatures were virtually indistinguishable from bacteria living in similar environments on Earth. The discovery gave strength to the theory that life is abundant in the solar system and that, in fact, when the solar system formed the building blocks for life were included in the nascent nebula, and therefore all in the same mould – the very definition of “life as we know it.” Without that piece of the puzzle, there was no real reason to assume, as many did, that the correct conditions for life made the existence of that life a foregone conclusion. So, Europa was simple in conception, but another story in practice for one simple reason: If you want to be an astronaut bad enough, you’ll do whatever it takes, including lying on the psyche test. Behind every calm exterior lies a monster. Or two.
All telling again, with a link to astronaut at the end. To this point the opening is all information and for me as a reader there has been very little to engage me.

Gary Laskey strode down the corridor looking for something –anything- to do. His part of the mission, piloting the submarine, couldn’t begin until the drill was ready and was already (ready and already very close together) through the ice. When he became restless, he would usually make his way to the drill structure and look over the technicians’ shoulders. Ironically, the closer the drill got to being prepped, the worse his impatience became. As he made his way into the drill housing chamber, Karen, the drill programming technician, greeted him.
A little long for me but otherwise ok.

“Good afternoon, sir,” said Karen. “Quite a trick of engineering to haul this enormous rig over 400 million miles along with all the-“

“No way was the drill supposed to be this big.”

Gary’s left-field retort threw her off guard, “What – what do you mean?”

Gary sighed at her ignorance, “When this mission was originally conceived over 60 years ago, it was going to be an unmanned probe. But the manned mission to Mars was such a success that NASA and ESA decided that the mission to search for life here on Europa should also be manned.”

“Well, what does that have to do with the size?”

“Everything,” snapped Gary. “The insulated robotic probe evolved into a two-man submarine and therefore, the heated hollow drill with the same insulation had to be wide enough to accommodate its size. I would expect you to know all of that since you’re working on it. I don’t suppose you know how long it will be before it will be ready?”
The dialogue is stilted – nice attempt at an underlying joke.

The technician had put on a blank face during all of this and had continued adjusting the depth settings according to the telemetry that was provided to her. She knew it wouldn’t take much with someone so insecure. “I’m not sure,” she said with a smirk. “But then, that would be entirely up to me.”
From Gary to technician and then back, a head hop which can confuse the reader, not in this case but something to consider.

Gary raised an eyebrow and pursed his lips. Karen thought he looked like a child taking his ball and going home as he stomped away from her down the corridor.

Gary continued his walk and made his way up to the balcony that ringed the inside of the dome. It was there that a small observation room had been constructed, the small nine inch thick window through which one could often look at Jupiter’s imposing storms was guarded by the dome outside when not in use. He walked around the balcony to this room and went inside. The window was covered by the dome and kneeling in one corner was Ross Sanders, his head lowered in deep contemplation and holding something small and unseen in his hands. Ross was the second crewman on the sub-ice mission.
I have no idea what this window does or if it is blocked by the dome or not. Too much information has confused me, less is more sometimes. Let the reader draw their own conclusions, we all know what windows are.

“You OK?” asked Gary without a shred of real concern. “You sick or something?”

Slowly, Ross took a slow, deep breath and turned his head annoyed toward Gary and said, “No.” before returning to his thoughts.

Gary’s lip curled in a sneer before asking, “Lose a contact?”

“No, Gary!” Ross replied between clenched teeth. “I’m fine.”

Knowing that his privacy was interrupted, Ross brought his hands to his lips and kissed the small metal cross before tucking it back under his shirt.
Gary didn’t even bother to hold back a loud scoff before saying, “Just keep that **** to yourself when we’re down there.” As Gary turned to leave, he didn’t even notice the intense glare that Ross shot at his back.
Have I missed something here, I don’t understand the conversation? Head hopping as well.

I didn’t relate to Justin at all. Sorry mate.

The introduction was far too slow and as a SciFi fan all old stuff to me that did not need explaining. Building a dome from lead and gold does not work for me there are stronger materials and far more abundant materials to build a dome out of - ice for one as Chrispy said. Much better when you get to the characters if a little confusing at times because of the head hopping. Interesting ideas but I’d stick closer to the characters POV and trust the reader on your technology as the tech you’re using is typical SciFi stuff. I liked your idea and I think it shows promise.

[TomS]

Thanks to everyone for your feedback. There's a lot to assimilate and I'm in the process of doing that. I'm just putting together the second half of this prologue into a format that follows the guidelines of this forum. Any advice on that section would also be greatly appreciated.

Thanks again.

[RJM Corbet]

First in Space:Extremes

Is anybody listening? This question has been asked by everybody in one form or another ever since the first time someone figured out that they could block someone else out with their own stray thoughts. The question has been asked of each other. It has been asked of politicians, of heroes, of celebrities, of audiences, of lovers, and of God. No one has ever been given a straight answer.

Now the human race is looking one last time for that companionship that we can’t seem to give each other no matter how much we say that we have. We look to the one place where we need to listen hard in order to know if we’ve been heard. We look to where some say it all began. We look to the stars.



Europa: 2092.
Ice. Mountains of ice. Valleys, of ice. rivers of ice, ravines, plains, lenticulae, and craters of ice. Jupiter’s ruling presence dominated the sky, its washed out colored bands dominating the sky, and storms clearly visible in Europa’s nearly atmosphere-free sky. Despite the low surface temperature, Europa still had an internal heat source courtesy of the enormous tidal squeezing of Jupiter. Long thought that there was an ocean of water, or at least slush, under all of the ice, there were a few places under the ice that never got warm enough. It was upon one of those the areas, dubbed “islands” by the crew, that the base was constructed under a solid dome of lead mixed with gold from asteroids along the way, frantically found and mined by robotic “aardvarks”, so dubbed as such due to the appearance of the because of their long curving drill and suction appendage. The raw materials were then shipped to a factory orbiting Europa, which from where the pieces were then sent the pieces down to the surface to be assembled by another set of robots.

The singular mission of the crew was simple in its conception: bore through the ice and look for find the life that is most assuredly there. The successful A mission to Mars thirty-nine years earlier in 2053 had revealed the existence of single-celled organisms living very near the surface, along the edges of the northern water ice cap, It was highly noted that these creatures were virtually indistinguishable from bacteria living in similar environments on Earth. The discovery This gave strength to the theory that life is abundant in the solar system and that, in fact, when the solar system for medthe building blocks for life were included in the nascent nebula when the solar system formed., and therefore all in the same mold – the very definition of “life as we know it.” Without that piece of the puzzle, there was no real reason to assume, as many did, that the correct conditions for life made the existence of that life a foregone conclusion. So, Europa was simple in conception, but another story in practice for one the simple reason: that if you want to be an astronaut bad enough, you’ll do whatever it takes, including lying on the psyche test. Behind every calm exterior lies a monster. Or two.

Brutal huh? Good news is the rest looks ok, on a quick scan. But I've been too busy butchering your intro to read it properly yet ...

[Bakerman]

First: good work! I quite liked this once it got going - the intro was interesting and did a good job of grabbing me, issues (which others have pointed out) notwithstanding. The background about Europa I didn't find particularly engaging, but once you'd dealt with that and started to focus on the crew I began to enjoy it a lot more.

I'm often a fan of prologues like this, provided they're clearly relevant and enjoyable in their own right. Also, even if you do cut the prologue from the final work, it'll help your understanding of the setting to have written it!

Just two things I want to pick on:

Originally Posted by TomS

Jupiter’s ruling presence dominated the sky, its washed out colored bands and storms clearly visible in Europa’s nearly atmosphere-free sky.

This seems awkward to me because of the repetition of 'sky'. I'd write 'clearly visible through Europa's thin atmosphere.'

Originally Posted by TomS

“Good afternoon, sir,” said Karen. “Quite a trick of engineering to haul this enormous rig over 400 million miles along with all the-“

This stood out to me. What's she on about? It seems like she's about to launch into a massive info-dump, which is a bit of an odd thing for her to do to her commander!

[TomS]

A gentle rebuttal or two about some misconceptions:

Why "last"? Except in the unlikely eventuality that it be found.

It isn't unlikely. This is science fiction, after all. The likelihood of finding at least one species that hasn't forsaken the value of their spirituality is pretty high. That is what we're talking about, after all. Isn't it?....and by "we" I mean "me", of course.

Hmm, more likely carried around by comet; the surface of the Earth for the first billion or so orbits after formation was not conducive to the survival of those amino acids and such that you dub 'building blocks', much less so for a cellular structure, which is what you are suggesting with your "virtually indistinguishable". But it's just as likely to be spores driven into space by volcanic eruptions on the first planet to develop a reproducing organism.Hmm, in the same mould?

I realize my idea of these molecules being in the nebula to start off with is different from current theory. It's my idea and I like it. I'm not trying to do too much hard science here. I like to sprinkle an occasional imagining in the story now and again on the assumption that if the reader goes into fits because I ask them to imagine things while reading fiction then....well, I won't state the obvious.