Falling Stars

[wonkishere]

This is the beginning as it stands so far from the book that I'm writing on. I'm interested in seeing what people think and getting a little constructive criticism.

Falling Stars
Hurricane Grace was more than 900 miles across and I could see all of it between the index finger and thumb of my right hand.

My bunk was a few hundred meters behind me, and I hung in space looking down at Earth, the storm an angry dark swirl. I could perceive it moving slowly, it's western tip near the edge of Florida.

I lowered my hands as the text in my field of vision begin to creep upward, but I couldn't read it because all the letters on my heads up display were colored cerulean blue, and they were hard to read over the blue of Earth.

I brought up my left hand and touched my middle and fourth finger together to activate my controls. Part of my vision of Florida was blocked as a window lit up on the faceplate of my spacesuit.

I had patched in a military text channel for weather alerts. Someone was observing the storm and they'd just stated it would cross inland in a matter of minutes. The text had scrolled upward because of a new post.

MMurphy: Grace touches down near Jacksonville in maybe three minutes.
MMurphy5: I'm clocking it at 135 mph.

I used my hand in front of me to where the window appeared to be, grabbing hold of it and moving it to the left. I could make out where Jacksonville, and he looked to be about right.

I touched the window again and then fanned my fingers wide apart so a virtual keyboard appeared, and then I typed a message into the window.

MartianExpatriate: Are you near where it will touch down yourself?

I waited for a moment, and the observer responded.

MMurphy5: Yes.
MMurphy5: I''m watching from the beach.
Kale: I'm showing winds of 125 mph.

I thought about for a moment, then typed my response.

MartianExpatriate: Well get inside!

I heard a beeping noise as an icon appeared in the right upper quadrant of my screen, flashing. It was a picture of Satine. It flashed as I ignored it, finishing the message.

A moment later I saw Murphy's response.

MMurphy: Hey man, nobody has a better view of Grace than this! lol

I typed in my response as a beep continued to alert me to Satine's call.

MartianExpatriate: I know what you mean.

The beeping continued, so I dismissed the virtual keyboard by spreading my fingers wide, then touched fingers on my right hand and reached up to touch the icon, watching as the icon enlarged slightly and became a view of her sitting in front of a physical keyboard. I don't think she ever really got used to the virtual one.

"What are you doing," she said.

""I'm outside," I said.

"Again? Come inside, I want to show you something."

"I'm busy," I said, as I watched the cloud moved in.

"You can watch it just as well from in here."

"You could send me video of whatever your looking at it in there, and let me view it on my faceplate."

I heard her muttering in Russian, and I caught a few familiar words I'd heard her say many times.

"I didn't quite catch that," I said, smiling.

She groaned. "Come inside! It will all still be there later." I watched the hurricane as it crested the shores of Florida. "No," I said. "I don't think it will."

I heard her growl.

"I'll be there in a minute," I said.

I closed out the virtual keyboard and then closed the chat, then I activated one of my maneuvering thrusters, spinning myself around. I was already drifting towards Zenith slowly, drawn in by its gravity even from here. As I spun around facing the station, I canceled my rotation by firing my other thruster, then activated both thrusters for a second to move a little faster as I leaned forward.

I watched as the upper ring spun around, sending the activation sequence to the entrance opened, and giving myself another push with the thrusters, timing it so I flew into the airlock. It was a game I had played for many years.

As the door shut behind me, I could see a computer screen on the airlock displaying ship arrival and departure times and hangar bay information. The room pressurized as a door on my left opened, and I trudged through, my boots clanging on the deck.

I trudged inside, walking up to an empty Waldo bay. There was an impression of two feet on the floor and I stepped forward carefully, sliding first one foot into the left impression, then the other into the right. I brought my arms up high, hands pointed straight up in the air.

"Disengage Waldo" I said carefully. I could hear a click as my computer gave up control of the suit and my arms stiffened in place. Robot arms disengaged from the wall, one connecting to a port in the back and making a whirring noise.
The clasp in back came undone, and the shoulder and arm pieces were removed and raised up into the air, and I relaxed as I was able to lower my arms, massing out the kinks in my back. I then slid one leg up as the outer carapace of each leg stayed in the floor, the rear section allowing me to slide the leg out.
The leg carapace opened up and was pulled into the wall, while the upper section of the waldo was held aloft, waiting for the next person to need it.

I turned and looked in a mirror. My faceplate and mesh suit remained. It took me a second to notice, but I realized that someone had scrawled some kind of a message on the right lower edge of the mirror. My eyes focused on it.

"Don't forget to brush," read the message. That would have been tricky with the faceplate still on of course.

I turned and walked towards another door, holding my hand up to a motion sensor so it allowed me into the main concourse. Two technicians were standing next to the door talking, Brett and someone named Simms.

"Brett, I just saw a message scrawled on the mirror. Did somebody spray that on it with ink?"

He laughed. "I think so. It's been there for at least three months."
"I didn't notice it. How did they find ink up here anyway?"

"I'm not sure. Probably one of the life support technicians was able to get some out of organics."

I sighed. "Clean it off. It's a random element."

"Yes sir," he said grinning.

I continued my walk past them moving to the main concourse. That was where Satine spent what little free time she usually had.

[ctg]

To be honest, I like it. I really would like to read on a bit further. And to be frank, there was a couple of occasions where I wanted to edit, but I don't dare as this is so good.

[I, Brian]

This had a decent flow to it - the only niggles were that sometimes the POV character feels like he's describing tech to us, when really it should be second-nature and not as conscious an issue.

However, it's a minor criticism, a little polishing might help on what otherwise reads as a good strong piece. I just hope you have more beyond that.

[Bakerman]

I also thought the description of the chat HUD was a bit unnecessary, and distracted from the lovely view you were describing. I really did appreciate the mention that the blue text was hard to read on the blue background - I wanted more like that, and less like describing how the text moved up to make room for a new message.

Good job, though! Definitely interested to read more of this. The dialogue I especially liked. The chat conversations not so much, but they were accurate ;P. I was especially interested to learn why Murphy was so cool about being on the beach in a hurricane!

[wonkishere]

Originally Posted by I, Brian

This had a decent flow to it - the only niggles were that sometimes the POV character feels like he's describing tech to us, when really it should be second-nature and not as conscious an issue.

However, it's a minor criticism, a little polishing might help on what otherwise reads as a good strong piece. I just hope you have more beyond that.

Yeah, one of the things I wanted to know is if anybody else felt like that. I'm trying to explain what his world looks like without it being too obvious, but it's hard to do that.

I want the reader to understand this stuff because a lot of this equipment actually effects the plot shortly, and it has to do with the strange world that he lives in. So I'm trying to introduce the reader to his world, give them a sense of how futuristic and different his lifestyle is from what we know. I'm still trying to figure out how to make that flow.

[Hammerhand]

OK this is my first critique, so I hope I can do a good job for you.

Can I start off by saying I enjoyed your concept. That was enough to get me on the hook as a reader - but only just. The next couple of pages would determine wether I would continue reading or not. There are a couple of reasons I'm not immediately sold:

1. The very short paragraphs hindered the flow in my opinion, it made it a bit like a bullet list of actions to start off with. It did improve in the end I felt but I have noticed that I Brian liked the flow so it may just be a personal thing with me.

2. I found it difficult to get past how you prescriptively described in detail each minor gesture required to operate the face plate thing. Surely the guy would now how it worked instinctively? Just saying 'I activated the virtual keyboard and keyed in my response' would have worked better for me. For me, your way is a little too much like reading an instruction manual for a piece of tech I haven't even had the time to visualise yet. Likewise with the beeping. He knows what it is, so he can say 'the incoming call tone chimed as Satine tried to initiate a video link, I ignored it as I finished typing my message to MMURPHY5' Instead I felt at first that it was being portrayed as something that he didn't know about which is confusing because again he surely should now exactly how it works and what it does? This continues when he gets aboard and describes seeing 'a computer screen that displayed ship arrival and departure times'. This for me is how he would describe it if seeing it for the first time. 'the stellar movements screen on the left blinked and updated as another ship departed the station bound for....' just gives the reader the feeling that this is the man's home and he knows every inch of it. Here's an extreme example to make my point:

I walked down a long corridor, passed two doors on the right and came to a door at the head of the hallway. I opened it and the room beyond was brightly lit. I adjusted the circular knob on the wall round to the left to lower the light level and then walked over to the left. A bed was there; I got in it.

I walked down the hall passing the bathroom and my room-mates bedroom on the right before getting to my bedroom door. I had left the lights on when I went out so I spun the dimmer switch down and jumped into my bed.

Same person, same journey. One makes you feel he is at home the other one doesn't and that is what I am trying to say (long windedly) in point 2

3. There are occasions where your fingers have ran away with what you are trying to say. A couple of sentences don't seem to make any sense and I think this is because you have already began thinking about the next sentence before you have finished the one you're on. If you re-read it carefully you will be able to pick out the ones I am referring to. I know this is just spit and polish and I am confident that you would have rectified this yourself without needing it to be pointed out anyway. Oh and only use an apostrophe on 'Its' when you are saying it is. It's not a possessive apostrophe on 'its', it's one of the exceptions to the rule. Again, that's just spit and polish (and I do it all the time!!) :0)

4. Continuity. You start the story with the description of the protagonist being a few hundred meters from his bunk, but then he returns into some sterile air-lock type room then into 'waldo bay' with technicians hanging around there. A bunk to me is private living quarters and this confused me a little as I had originally envisaged him hanging out of his bedroom somehow.

That all being said, I think the relationship between his wife is an interesting one. I assume it is a working relationship? plenty of potential there. I also liked the brief interaction with the technician Brett. It immediately identified your protagonist as someone important who is in an officer type role. The fact he didn't really know Simms led me to believe that it is quite a large space station and was enough food for thought to make me want more.

Your tech is clearly very well thought out. I like that you can visualise how everything works and it is a credit to your imagination. You only need to give me the building blocks though rather than a detailed visualisation. It is a good thing that you as the author knows how it all works, then your mechanics will be believable and won't contradict itself. As a reader I don't think i need to know exactly which finger strokes bring up the keyboard or how the activation codes for the airlock work. I just need to know there is a virtual keyboard and the airlock opens when he presses the 'go' button. Let me use my own imagination a little, that is why I buy Sci-Fi and Fantasy novels after all.

In summary, there was enough there to make me want to know what Zenith is like and what the main protagonist actually does on it. Be aware that if you are setting the scene for your character in his normal environment he needs to instinctively get around it and know what everything is. I like the concept, and your tech is clearly well thought out and realistic. I would definitely like to read more.

Hope this helps!

[chrispenycate]

There's one point I'd question. The station's spinning fast enough to give a simulation of – well, not one gee, perhaps, but enough that his boots clang on the deck, and he trudges. That's quite a high speed, in absolute terms. So, he synchronises his arrival with the passage of the open airlock door, floats through it – and is suddenly accelerated up to the same speed as the room, apparently instantaneously. However you do it that's quite a jolt, whether you've got some kind of magnetic damping field, or just collide with a wall. Furthermore, if gets out the same way he'll be flung away tangentially from the station with an awful lot of velocity for his suit thrusters to cancel out.

I would have expected to dock close to the hub, in near free fall, and take a lift 'down' to the faster moving sections.

Now, I realise that that station is big (asteroid enormous if he can detect the difference to his trajectory caused by its gravitational field) so this would slow down the 'coming in to dock/am in an almost ordinary environment with other people' interface, but if you're going to put your technical details in there are always going to be nitpickers like me (and even worse) pointing out inconsistencies.

For your own good, obviously.

[Bowler1]

I lowered my hands as the text in my field of vision begin to creep upward, but I couldn't read it because all the letters on my heads up display were coloured cerulean blue, and they were hard to read over the blue of Earth.

I had patched in a military text channel for weather alerts. Someone was observing the storm and they'd just stated it would cross inland in a matter of minutes. The text had scrolled upward because of a new post.
The last line was a bit of a repeat, however it did not impact too much on the flow of the writing.
MMurphy: Grace touches down near Jacksonville in maybe(a distracting word considering the short time frame involved) three minutes.
MMurphy5: I'm clocking it at 135 mph.

I used my hand in front of me to where the window appeared to be, grabbing hold of it and moving it to the left. I could make out where Jacksonville was, and he looked to be about right.

"You could send me video of whatever you’re looking at it in there, and let me view it on my faceplate."
I closed out the virtual keyboard and then closed the chat, then I activated one of my manoeuvring thrusters, spinning myself around. I was already drifting towards Zenith slowly, drawn in by its gravity even from here. As I spun around facing the station, I cancelled my rotation by firing my other thruster, then activated both thrusters for a second to move a little faster as I leaned forward.


Some of the descriptions were very detailed and slowed the pace of the section, consider being more concise. The pace here was fine for me but if I were reading detailed description all the time they would start to annoy I think. Good dialogue, including the text conversation. Some spelling errors in there so a little more care needed. All minor, good stuff and well done.

[springs]

Falling Stars
Hurricane Grace was more than 900should be written in full, I think miles across and I could see all of it between the index finger and thumb of my right hand.

My bunk was a few hundred meters behind me, and I hung in space looking down at Earth, the storm an angry dark swirl. I could perceive it moving slowly, it's western tip near the edge of Florida.

I lowered my hands as the text in my field of vision begin to creep upward, but I couldn't read it because all the letters on my heads up display were colored cerulean blue, and they were hard to read over the blue of Earth.

I brought up my left hand and touched my middle and fourth finger together to activate my controls. Part of my vision of Florida was blocked as a window lit up on the faceplate of my spacesuit.

I had patched in a military text channel for weather alerts. Someone was observing the storm and they'd just stated it would cross inland in a matter of minutes. The text had scrolled upward because of a new post.
so, he can read it now? Was that bringing on the light that did that?

MMurphy: Grace touches down near Jacksonville in maybe three minutes.

MMurphy5: I'm clocking it at 135 mph.

I usedmoved? my hand in front of me to where the window appeared to beso it was there, not just appearing to be there?, grabbing hold of it and moving it to the left. I could make out where Jacksonville was?, and heJacksonville? looked to be about right.

I touched the window again and thenyou could lose then fanned my fingers wide apart so a virtual keyboard appeared, and then I typed a message into the window.

MartianExpatriate: Are you near where it will touch down yourself?

I waited for a moment, and the observer responded.

MMurphy5: Yes.
MMurphy5: I''m watching from the beach.
Kale: I'm showing winds of 125 mph.

I thought about for a moment, then typed my response.

MartianExpatriate: Well get inside!

I heard a beeping noise as an icon appeared in the right upper quadrant of my screen, flashing. It was a picture of Satine. It flashed as I ignored it, finishing the message.

A moment later I saw Murphy's response.

MMurphy: Hey man, nobody has a better view of Grace than this! lol

I typed in my response as a beep continued to alert me to Satine's call.

MartianExpatriate: I know what you mean.

The beeping continued, so I dismissed the virtual keyboard by spreading my fingers wide, then touched fingers on my right hand and reached up to touch the icon, watching as the icon enlarged slightly and became a view of her sitting in front of a physical keyboard. I don't think she ever really got used to the virtual one.I like this line.

"What are you doing," she said.

""I'm outside," I said.

"Again? Come inside, I want to show you something."

"I'm busy," I said, as I watched the cloud moved in.

"You can watch it just as well from in here."

"You could send me video of whatever your looking at it in there, and let me view it on my faceplate."

I heard her muttering in Russian, and I delete? caught a few familiar words I'd heard her say many times.

"I didn't quite catch that," I said, smiling.

She groaned. "Come inside! It will all still be there later." I watched the hurricane as it crested the shores of Florida. new paragraph."No," I said. "I don't think it will."

I heard her growl.The girl or the hurricane? She growled would be less passive.

"I'll be there in a minute," I said.

I closed out the virtual keyboard and then closedclosed/closed the chat, then I activated one of my mano?euvering thrusters, spinning myself delete? around. I was already drifting towards Zenith slowly, drawn in by its gravity even from here. As I spun around facing the station, I canceled my rotation by firing my other thruster, then activated both thrusters for a second to move a little faster as I leaned forward.

This seems ever so wordy in comparison to he rest:

As I spun to face the station, I fired my other thruster to cancel the rotation. Activating both thrusters for a second, I leaned forward and moved a little faster.

I watched as the upper ring spun around, sending the activation sequence to the entrance opened something not quite right - do you need it, if so should it be opening, or is there a missing word earlier? the sequence to open the entrance, maybe?, and giving myself another push with the thrusters, timing it so I flew into the airlock. It was a game I had played for many years.

As the door shut behind me, I could see a - change to the? computer screen on the airlock displaying ship arrival and departure times and hangar bay information. The room pressurized as a door on my left opened, and I trudged through, my boots clanging on the deck.

I trudgedrepetition inside, walking up to an empty Waldo bay. There was an impression of two feet on the floor and I stepped forward carefully, sliding first one foot into the left impression, then the other into the right. I brought my arms up high, hands pointed straight up in the air.

"Disengage Waldocomma" I said carefully. I could hear a click as my computer gave up control of the suit and my arms stiffened in place. Robot arms disengaged from the wall, one connecting to a port in the back and making a whirring noise.
The clasp in the? back came undone, and the shoulder and arm pieces were removed and raised up into the air, and I relaxed as I was able to lower my arms, massing out the kinks in my back. I then slid one leg up as the outer carapace of each leg stayed in the floor, the rear section allowing me to slide the leg out.
The leg carapace opened up and was pulled into the wall, while the upper section of the waldo was held aloft, waiting for the next person to need it.

I turned and looked in a mirror. My faceplate and mesh suit remained. It took me a second to notice, but I realized that someone had scrawled some kind of a message on the right lower edge of the mirror. My eyes focused on it.

"Don't forget to brush," read the message. That would have been tricky with the faceplate still on of course.

I turned and walked towards another door, holding my hand up to a motion sensor so it allowed me into the main concourse. Two technicians were standing next to the door talking, Brett and someone named Simms.does he know them? Or is there a sign to tell him - it seems an odd way to introduce a name.

"Brett, I just saw a message scrawled on the mirror. Did somebody spray that on it with ink?"

He laughed. "I think so. It's been there for at least three months."
"I didn't notice it. How did they find ink up here anyway?"

"I'm not sure. Probably one of the life support technicians was able to get some out of organics."

I sighed. "Clean it off. It's a random element."

"Yes sir," he said grinning.

I continued my walk past them moving to the main concourse. That was where Satine spent what little free time she usually had.[/QUOTE]

I enjoyed it, nice action walking me through the station, the hurricane is a good visual image. i did find a few nits, though, and bits I wasn't a 100 percent sure of. Edit - just to say I think more of the thens could go than I highlighted, maybe.

[wonkishere]

Originally Posted by chrispenycate

There's one point I'd question. The station's spinning fast enough to give a simulation of – well, not one gee, perhaps, but enough that his boots clang on the deck, and he trudges. That's quite a high speed, in absolute terms. So, he synchronises his arrival with the passage of the open airlock door, floats through it – and is suddenly accelerated up to the same speed as the room, apparently instantaneously. However you do it that's quite a jolt, whether you've got some kind of magnetic damping field, or just collide with a wall. Furthermore, if gets out the same way he'll be flung away tangentially from the station with an awful lot of velocity for his suit thrusters to cancel out.

I would have expected to dock close to the hub, in near free fall, and take a lift 'down' to the faster moving sections.

Now, I realise that that station is big (asteroid enormous if he can detect the difference to his trajectory caused by its gravitational field) so this would slow down the 'coming in to dock/am in an almost ordinary environment with other people' interface, but if you're going to put your technical details in there are always going to be nitpickers like me (and even worse) pointing out inconsistencies.

For your own good, obviously.

That makes sense, it's a spot I glossed over in order to get through the scene quickly, but I should nail this down, thanks for reminding me of that.

The suit that he is wearing when he is working outside is in fact, extremely heavy, as you might guess of a suit with it's own thrusters and so on. The station is in fact, huge.

It's major purpose is that it's a shipyard. Almost all ship construction by the United States, Japan, and Europe, happens at the station and it has a permanent crew. In this storyline, it's the largest spacestation in existence. They have their own ecology going, recycle all their air and supplement their reserves by pulling in ice from various locations and breaking it down into oxygen, and it's their to support different mining operations on the moon and in other locations.

I'm still working out exact mass, but it's a spindle surrounded by two rings (tori), and the spindle attaches to an industrial section below. It began much smaller but has been gradually increased in size for the last twenty years.

Part of the detail of the suit that I had was that it has electromagnets in the boots to help the wearer attach to the hull, but I do need to address how people entering the station handle that much velocity.

[mithril]

Originally Posted by Hammerhand

2. I found it difficult to get past how you prescriptively described in detail each minor gesture required to operate the face plate thing. Surely the guy would now how it worked instinctively? Just saying 'I activated the virtual keyboard and keyed in my response' would have worked better for me. For me, your way is a little too much like reading an instruction manual for a piece of tech I haven't even had the time to visualise yet. Likewise with the beeping. He knows what it is, so he can say 'the incoming call tone chimed as Satine tried to initiate a video link, I ignored it as I finished typing my message to MMURPHY5' Instead I felt at first that it was being portrayed as something that he didn't know about which is confusing because again he surely should now exactly how it works and what it does? This continues when he gets aboard and describes seeing 'a computer screen that displayed ship arrival and departure times'. This for me is how he would describe it if seeing it for the first time. 'the stellar movements screen on the left blinked and updated as another ship departed the station bound for....' just gives the reader the feeling that this is the man's home and he knows every inch of it. Here's an extreme example to make my point:

I walked down a long corridor, passed two doors on the right and came to a door at the head of the hallway. I opened it and the room beyond was brightly lit. I adjusted the circular knob on the wall round to the left to lower the light level and then walked over to the left. A bed was there; I got in it.

I walked down the hall passing the bathroom and my room-mates bedroom on the right before getting to my bedroom door. I had left the lights on when I went out so I spun the dimmer switch down and jumped into my bed.

Same person, same journey. One makes you feel he is at home the other one doesn't and that is what I am trying to say (long windedly) in point 2

Exactly what my one quibble with piece was. This was the point that distracted me from enjoying the atmosphere and the setting as much as I might have had...

Other than that, no complaints as such

[wonkishere]

Thank you all for the feedback. That tells me what I wanted to know. I want the reader to understand that he has the internet sort of hard-wired in, but I need to be less heavy handed about it. I did find the comments about the conversational style and specific editing notes useful too.

[Jammill Khursheed]

I'm not good enough at writing prose to criticise others, but there are a few points towards the beginning where there are missing words... It looks more like remnants of a rewrite (i.e., moving the order of a sentence around and not putting all the words back in) but others have already mentioned it in earlier posts...

From the descriptions of the tech it comes across as being an important part of the storyline, implying a 'hard' sci-fi story (which I like) is to come... It does read a little like a tech manual rather than a person commenting on it at some points, but while it might need re-writing a little bit it is obvious that it certainly doesn't need cutting, because its already obvious that the technology is a major part of the story because of the way it is focused on... Basically, it already reads like hard-sc-fi, which is your intent, and you've done that well...

As for the dialogue (something I feel I CAN comment on), it's all handled relatively well... Nothing stood out as being cheesy or badly-worded (and it didn't in the internal monologue either when it wasn't about the tech) and although she didn't get many lines herself the protagonist's interactions with the Russian in the station comes across really naturally, and that's something that's difficult WITHOUT having all the tech and sci-fi stuff in there, so really well done with that...

All in all, while it's obviously not in its fully finished state yet, it works really well as it is...


Jammill

[wonkishere]

Originally Posted by Jammill Khursheed

I'm not good enough at writing prose to criticise others, but there are a few points towards the beginning where there are missing words... It looks more like remnants of a rewrite (i.e., moving the order of a sentence around and not putting all the words back in) but others have already mentioned it in earlier posts...

From the descriptions of the tech it comes across as being an important part of the storyline, implying a 'hard' sci-fi story (which I like) is to come... It does read a little like a tech manual rather than a person commenting on it at some points, but while it might need re-writing a little bit it is obvious that it certainly doesn't need cutting, because its already obvious that the technology is a major part of the story because of the way it is focused on... Basically, it already reads like hard-sc-fi, which is your intent, and you've done that well...

As for the dialogue (something I feel I CAN comment on), it's all handled relatively well... Nothing stood out as being cheesy or badly-worded (and it didn't in the internal monologue either when it wasn't about the tech) and although she didn't get many lines herself the protagonist's interactions with the Russian in the station comes across really naturally, and that's something that's difficult WITHOUT having all the tech and sci-fi stuff in there, so really well done with that...

All in all, while it's obviously not in its fully finished state yet, it works really well as it is...


Jammill

The tech is definitely a big part of it, but mainly because the technology affects the way everyone lives and communicates, and effects them in ways they don't entirely understand at first.

I definitely was too heavy handed with it, and i did some last minute editing that wasn't entirely helpful, but I can probably improve on it soon.