Very short scene

[Mouse]

Ok, it's my 4,000th post. I've not put anything up for critique for one of these before, but there's a couple of sentences in this bit which are a bit dodgy so I thought I'd put it up.


Brief backstory: When Ambrose touches someone he feels their emotions and then usually passes out. He's an actor.



----



Ambrose had given the police his full cooperation in the investigation of the murder of Justin Pinkerton. He had been, they informed him, most helpful and he knew that when the murderer was caught it would largely be because of his help. He wondered if he could add it to his CV: ‘Bringer of Justice.’ Or maybe simply: ‘Hero.’

He smiled to himself and shook his head. Hero was a little OTT, if he was ever to write a CV he should sound modest; he was, after all, a modest kind of guy. Bringer of Justice would cover it.

He opened the email Celia had sent him and read it through twice, just to make sure he’d got everything. He looked over the laptop to Jenn, who sat on his sofa reading a book. Since it was safe to return home (according to the police, at least), he had moved both Jenn and Mercer into his house - deciding that Mercer’s flat was too small, too dark and too dirty, and the hotel was too far away and going to fetch Jenn every day was a pain in the arse.

“She wants me to do some voice acting,” he said.

Jenn didn’t look up from her book. She turned a page and said, “That’s nice.”

“It’s more than nice,” he replied. “It’s brilliant. It means I’ll have some money coming in again. Have you any idea how much my electricity bill is now that I’ve got you two here? A lot more than when it was just me, let me tell you. And, in case you didn’t know, voice acting means I don’t have to touch anyone.”

Jenn folded the corner of the page and put the book down by her side. “Celia’s got you a job?”

“Yes, Celia’s got me a job.” He wondered if he was just talking to himself half the time. “Voice acting.”

“You’ve been able to touch me for a week now and you’ve not passed out once.”

Ambrose turned back to his laptop and tapped out a reply for Celia. “What we do isn’t touching,” he said. “It’s more like vague skin contact. When one is acting, one has to touch. Properly. With tongues sometimes.” He closed the laptop. “When do you have to go home?”

“Whenever I like,” she replied. “It’s not like I have a job to go back to.”

“You’ve been fired?”

“Yeah.”

“Since when?”

“I told you yesterday! My boss rang yesterday morning.”

Ambrose couldn’t remember, though when he’d touched Jenn he’d felt a strange resignation. “Oh,” he said. “You didn’t want to be a housekeeper forever anyway.”

“I didn’t,” she said, getting to her feet. “But now I can’t afford to pay my rent or my bills or… anything. I can’t afford anything.” She snatched her book off the sofa and left the room.

He sat for a moment, thinking. Then he ran a hand through his hair, opened the laptop and started a new message to Celia. Jenn was right. He was too good for voice acting.

[The Judge]

Congratulations on the 4,000th!!

A good scene, as ever. Good dialogue, showing us more than is actually said, and the characters are well drawn, though I hate to break it to you but I see Ambrose as Tony Blair...

I didn't know that actors called it "voice acting", but even if they don't it suits Ambrose as being suitably pretentious!

Would he know what his electicity bill was? Let alone how consumption had changed in a few days? He doesn't strike me as the type to pay bills. Surely, that's what Mercer is for?

A couple of lines I stumbled over a bit: he had moved both Jenn and Mercer into his house - deciding that Mercer’s flat was too small, too dark and too dirty, and the hotel was too far away and going to fetch Jenn every day was a pain in the arse. I wonder if you changed the "and the hotel" to "plus the hotel" might smooth it a bit, or perhaps make the "and going" a new sentence. Er... I know I said a couple, but I can't find the other one now...

Oh, a comma before "anyway".

That's it. Well done.

[Mouse]

Thanks TJ. Tony Blair?! How rude!

'Voice acting' came from a suggestion from someone on this forum actually (and I can't remember who, sorry!).

You're right, Mercer does the bills, but Ambrose found out that Mercer was giving away some of his money every month to 'charity' (it wasn't really charity) and from then he's sort of paid more attention to his own accounts.

How about: 'And Jenn's hotel was too far away and going to fetch her...' Or it that worse? Or the same?!

Ta muchly.

[The Judge]

Well, y'know, he is a pretty straight kind of guy... (straight as a corkscrew...)


Re that line, using the full stop before "The hotel" takes it too far from the opening part of the sentence, to its detriment, I think -- the fetching-Jenn sub-clause could just about survive as a comment separate from the "too far". But, having had another thought, I'd write the sentence the other way round, which would match the order of saying "Jenn and Mercer", so:

... he had moved both Jenn and Mercer into his house - the hotel was too far away and going to fetch Jenn every day was a pain in the arse, and Mercer’s flat was too small, too dark and too dirty.

To me, the rhythm this way round is better. (You'll see I've left out the "deciding that" as we can take that as read.)

[HareBrain]

Originally Posted by Mouse

Brief backstory: When Ambrose touches someone he feels their emotions and then usually passes out.

Ooh, that's me! But without the feeling their emotions bit.

Congrats on the 4,000 posts, Mouse. But no congrats on posting something I couldn't find any fault with. That's not what the critiques forum is for!

[Mouse]

TJ, I was just thinking: ... he had moved both Jenn and Mercer into his house - deciding that Mercer’s flat was too small, too dark and too dirty, and the hotel was too far away. Having to fetch Jenn every day was a pain in the arse.

But yours is way better so I'm having that! Ta!

HB, ha! And thank you!!

[StilLearning]

My two cents: I think that’s the only bit I can find any kind of issue with. It's not entirely clear to me that Jen was staying at the hotel. How about:

Since it was safe to return home (according to the police, at least), he had moved both Jenn and Mercer into his house - deciding that Mercer’s flat was too small, too dark and too dirty, and fetching Jen from her hotel every day was a pain in the arse.

I don't think the distance is really important. From the impression I get of your character he'd opt for the convenience of having Jen at his place even if her hotel was across the road!

Just my two cents. And congrats on the 4K!

[Mouse]

That's very true, he would! The hotel's about twenty mins away, I think. Thanks.

[crystal haven]

I really enjoyed this, Mouse. I got quite involved with the story.

Congratulations on your 4,000th!

[Mouse]

Thank you!

[springs]

Hey Mouse, been away for the weekend here, so first time I've saw it.
Congrats on the 4000th!

I think it was Interference who mentioned voice acting, but it is a big line of work for actors. (if he could get his own cartoon character a la Bob the Builder, he could make a lot of dough from it).

I love Bringer of Justice, Ambrose in 3 words...

[allmywires]

Ambrose never fails to make me giggle. Really liked it. One thing only: I don't like the mixture of italics and normal font on this:

He wondered if he could add it to his CV: ‘Bringer of Justice.’ Or maybe simply: ‘Hero.’

I wouldn't italicise 'Bringer of Justice' as you do it later on without the quotation marks.

I just like symmetry ok...

[Mouse]

Thank you both. AMW, I will ponder the italics!

Nobody's said anything about the sentence I thought was a bit dodgy, so I stop worrying about it!

[Hex]

Liked it a lot. Especially the end -- Ambrose is brilliant, though for some reason I'm now seeing him as Tony Blair.

Stumbled on this: "Hero was a little OTT, if he was ever to write a CV he should sound modest; he was, after all, a modest kind of guy." -- it felt to me like there should be something stronger than a comma after OTT (but I know nothing about this comma stuff, so probably you should ignore me)

[Mouse]

Originally Posted by Hex

Liked it a lot. Especially the end -- Ambrose is brilliant, though for some reason I'm now seeing him as Tony Blair.

Damnit it, TJ, see what you've done!

Thanks Hex.