Another first critique...

[StilLearning]

I thought I'd take the plunge to. I have an idea for a longer story starting from this, so I thought it would be good idea to find out if it's working, and how to improve it.

“Say that again, and I will kick you in the crotch!”
The production managers health was a worry to Alex. Peter wasn’t a small man, and threatening violence this early in the day was a good sign that his blood pressure was higher than normal.

Crispin, Cambridge educated, white of beard, put his hands behind his back and spread his legs. In the tones of one delivering a crushing logical point he reposted: “Go on then you jumped up ape!”

Behind them, on the dilapidated pine and aluminium workbench, the prototype of a cutting edge scientific instrument was making the kind of fizzing noise that usually means at least ten thousand volts seeking a victim. A capacitor popped, showering the lime floor with tiny debris.

“Perhaps we should turn the power off?” Alex suggested diffidently. He tried to move towards the large, round, power socket. Peter, whose peripheral vision was really exceptional for his age, knocked the reaching hand away.

After all, it’s only my third week on the job, Alex reminded himself, rubbing his stinging hand. I don’t want to step too far out of line.

“What’s the point Alex?” Now he was really worried: Peters red face was turning white around the edges, and his breathing was starting to sound laboured. “We’re not doing anything until this git listens to sense!”

Alex didn’t reply. He had just seen that, in the hand hidden behind his back, Crispin was holding a large adjustable spanner.

Calm, Alex, aim to restore calm: “Well, I know I’m new here......” He trailed off.

Just below the high skylight above them a tiny blue sphere of light had popped into existence, and was hovering in tiny circles, as if wondering what to do next.

“Yes?” Crispin prompted.

Wondering if the various things he’d taken at university parties had caught up with him, the technician tried his best: “Well the pump will explode....the shrapnel could easily hit that pressurised nitrogen bottle..... turn the power off...... Um, can you see what’s abo-“

“Stop wittering boy!” Crispin had locked gazes with Peter again, “We need to sort out who is steering this project, and we don’t need closed minded old weasel like him doing it!”

The tiny blue light suddenly expanded into a blue ring, with a dark gap in the centre. A ten centimetre long, oval, silvery shape emerged from the gap. A clear tinny voice announced:

“Good morning citizens of Earth: Your planet is being contacted by the All-Serve pan-stellar financial services division. We understand that you require considerable financial resources...”

Sod this, thought Alex, and ran for the door.

Crispin, finally realising that the stupefied gazes of the technicians around him weren’t aimed at the argument, rotated his head at a painful angle to see.

Taking in the tiny spaceship and its portal, he joined everyone else in total incomprehension.

This gave Peter the opportunity to drop his shoulder and charge into the gawping physicists midsection. As if not wanting to be left out of the excitement, the fizzing instrument exploded, sending a fan of high speed shrapnel into the nearby high pressure gas bottle.

The laboratory disappeared in a cloud of debris.


***

“Good morning citizens of Earth: Your planet is being contacted by the All-Serve pan-stellar financial services division. We understand that you require considerable financial resources to reach your racial goals of ‘We came in peace, for all mankind’, as stated in the document you have left on the surface of the moon of your planet.

We are a kindly organisation, and you plea for aid has touched our hearts and other fluid pumping mechanism. We are delighted to offer you a short term interest free loan, not exceeding fifty percent of your planetary mineral wealth. Please indicate your acceptance by existing in this room for a minimum of four seconds.

Thank you. As a significant concentration of mental and technical capacity on your world we trust that you will responsibly spread this good news to the rest of your home planet: Failure to complete your loan re-payments, within the allotted time of one terrestrial year, will result in you planet being ground down for its mineral wealth by our automated fleet. You may also find that you are unable to obtain credit in future....”

[Tecdavid]

I'll have a read over it for you. My comments will be in red.

“Say that again, and I will kick you in the crotch!”
The production managers health was a worry to Alex. Peter wasn’t a small man, and threatening violence this early in the day was a good sign that his blood pressure was higher than normal.

Crispin, Cambridge educated, white of beard, put his hands behind his back and spread his legs. In the tones of one delivering a crushing logical point he reposted: “Go on then you jumped up ape!”


Behind them, on the dilapidated pine and aluminium workbench, the prototype of a cutting edge scientific instrument was making the kind of fizzing noise that usually means at least ten thousand volts seeking a victim. A capacitor popped, showering the lime floor with tiny debris.
A well-built image, but maybe we don't need quite so much detail? The first sentence runs on a little. Something neater, like "On the dilapidated workbench, a new instrument - a prototype, most scientific - was abuzz with the sound of volts looking for a victim to shock." might flow better.

“Perhaps we should turn the power off?” Alex suggested indiffidently. He tried to move towards the large, round, power socket. Peter, whose peripheral vision was really exceptional for his age, knocked the reaching hand away.

After all, it’s only my third week on the job, Alex reminded himself, rubbing his stinging hand. I don’t want to step too far out of line.

“What’s the point Alex?” Now he was really worried: Peters red face was turning white around the edges, and his breathing was starting to sound laboured. “We’re not doing anything until this git listens to sense!” Although it isn't obligatory, I think italics work better for speech emphasis, rather than underlining.

Alex didn’t reply. He had just seen that, (I don't think this comma's necessary) in the hand hidden behind his back, Crispin was holding a large adjustable spanner.

Calm, Alex, aim to restore calm: “Well, I know I’m new here......” He trailed off.
I assume the first sentence here is Alex thinking to himself? If so, it's better to put such thoughts in italics, so the reader wont confuse it for narrative. If it is narrative, it's less confusing if it reads more like a description of what Alex is doing, instead of reading like Alex's thoughts.

Just below the high skylight above them a tiny blue sphere of light had popped into existence, and was hovering in tiny circles, as if wondering what to do next.

“Yes?” Crispin prompted.

Wondering if the various things he’d taken at university parties had caught up with him (I like that!), the technician tried his best: “Well the pump will explode....the shrapnel could easily hit that pressurised nitrogen bottle..... turn the power off...... Um, can you see what’s abo-“

“Stop wittering, boy!” Crispin had locked gazes with Peter again, “We need to sort out who is steering this project, and we don’t need a closed minded old weasel like him doing it!”
I like the dialogue you give to your angrier characters.

The tiny blue light suddenly expanded into a blue ring, with a dark gap in the centre. A ten centimetre long, oval, silvery shape emerged from the gap, from which a clear, tinny voice announced:

“Good morning citizens of Earth: Your planet is being contacted by the All-Serve pan-stellar financial services division. We understand that you require considerable financial resources...”

Sod this, thought Alex, and ran for the door.

Crispin, finally realising that the stupefied gazes of the technicians around him weren’t aimed at the argument, rotated his head at a painful angle to see.

Taking in the tiny spaceship and its portal, he joined everyone else in total incomprehension.

This gave Peter the opportunity to drop his shoulder and charge into the gawping physicists midsection. As if not wanting to be left out of the excitement, the fizzing instrument exploded, sending a fan of high speed shrapnel into the nearby high pressure gas bottle.

The laboratory disappeared in a cloud of debris.


***

“Good morning citizens of Earth: Your planet is being contacted by the All-Serve pan-stellar financial services division. We understand that you require considerable financial resources to reach your racial goals of ‘We came in peace, for all mankind’, as stated in the document you have left on the surface of the moon of your planet.

We are a kindly organisation, and your plea for aid has touched our hearts and other fluid pumping mechanisms. We are delighted to offer you a short term interest free loan, not exceeding fifty percent of your planetary mineral wealth. Please indicate your acceptance by existing in this room for a minimum of four seconds.

Thank you. As a significant concentration of mental and technical capacity on your world we trust that you will responsibly spread this good news to the rest of your home planet: Failure to complete your loan re-payments, within the allotted time of one terrestrial year, will result in you planet being ground down for its mineral wealth by our automated fleet. You may also find that you are unable to obtain credit in future....”

Other than the things I pointed out, I think this is actually quite good! The later paragraphs are particularly funny, and I like the dialogue as well the characters' reactions to each other, and to what goes on around them.

[StilLearning]

Thank you Tecdavid! I'm very glad the funny came through. With regard to your first point, on the paragraph:

Behind them, on the dilapidated pine and aluminium workbench, the prototype of a cutting edge scientific instrument was making the kind of fizzing noise that usually means at least ten thousand volts seeking a victim. A capacitor popped, showering the lime floor with tiny debris.

How about: "On the dilapidated aluminium workbench their groundbreaking scientific instrument fizzed loudly, waiting for someone to shock."

Although I'm not sure if that flows right either. And I'm sorry for the number if typos in what I posted. I start to go blind to what I've written after I've stared at it enough.

[ctg]

I have to warn, what I say, I say because I'm being a honest and you wouldn't benefit from people saying it's absolutely good, when it's not. So ignore what I say, if you don't like it and go with your gut feeling if I'm wrong.

Originally Posted by StilLearning

“Say that again, and I will kick you in the crotch!”

The production managers health was a worry to Alex. Peter wasn’t a small man, and threatening violence this early in the day was a good sign that his blood pressure was higher than normal.

Crispin, Cambridge educated, white of beard, put his hands behind his back and spread his legs. In the tones of one delivering a crushing logical point he reposted: “Go on then you jumped up ape!”

If this is the opening then I'm not sure as I get lost in second paragraph without the POV input. You argue you have Alex there, but I'm not sure as he's so vague. With the blood pressure, do you mean Alex or Peter?

Then as I move to third, I get Crispin and I start to wonder what this geezer is doing in the picture and why do I need to know he has gone through Cambridge?

HOWEVER, if you would argue that this is a scene from middle of the story then I could have let these things to go, but you've given us a hint that you haven't even expanded this to a long story, I've no other choice but to advice you to rewrite the scene from a focused POV.

Behind them, on the dilapidated pine and aluminium workbench, the prototype of a cutting edge scientific instrument was making the kind of fizzing noise that usually means at least ten thousand volts seeking a victim. A capacitor popped, showering the lime floor with tiny debris.

Why to detach reader from the scene and deliver this sort of dramatic interrupt without the character perspective? Why to switch POV and hover it all over the room, when you can write properly?

“Perhaps we should turn the power off?” Alex suggested diffidently. He tried to move towards the large, round, power socket. Peter, whose peripheral vision was really exceptional for his age, knocked the reaching hand away.

After all, it’s only my third week on the job, Alex reminded himself, rubbing his stinging hand. I don’t want to step too far out of line.

At here, you're showing that you can write from a character perspective, but in time to time, it feels as if you need to explain every little detail to the reader. And there lies the danger, as you can see from the highlight as you're hopping from one head to another.

“What’s the point Alex?” Now he was really worried: Peters red face was turning white around the edges, and his breathing was starting to sound laboured. “We’re not doing anything until this git listens to sense!”

Alex didn’t reply. He had just seen that, in the hand hidden behind his back, Crispin was holding a large adjustable spanner.

Calm, Alex, aim to restore calm: “Well, I know I’m new here......” He trailed off.

Just below the high skylight above them a tiny blue sphere of light had popped into existence, and was hovering in tiny circles, as if wondering what to do next.

He trailed off.

You don't need to tell the readers that when the dots at the end of the dialogue is enough. Trust yourself and more importantly trust you characters. The muse isn't telling you to go all over the place, is she/he? So please stay in the character and dictate the scene from his Point-Of-View. Allow him to tell the story rather then you throwing in the towel and saying it goes this way. You'd be surprised to find out where the characters take you along the journey.

If you don't understand the last para highlight, then you haven't understood what the head-hopping means.

“Yes?” Crispin prompted.

Wondering if the various things he’d taken at university parties had caught up with him, the technician tried his best: “Well the pump will explode....the shrapnel could easily hit that pressurised nitrogen bottle..... turn the power off...... Um, can you see what’s abo-“

“Stop wittering boy!” Crispin had locked gazes with Peter again, “We need to sort out who is steering this project, and we don’t need closed minded old weasel like him doing it!”

The tiny blue light suddenly expanded into a blue ring, with a dark gap in the centre. A ten centimetre long, oval, silvery shape emerged from the gap. A clear tinny voice announced: “Good morning citizens of Earth: Your planet is being contacted by the All-Serve pan-stellar financial services division. We understand that you require considerable financial resources...”

Sod this, thought Alex, and ran for the door.

Crispin, finally realising that the stupefied gazes of the technicians around him weren’t aimed at the argument, rotated his head at a painful angle to see.

Taking in the tiny spaceship and its portal, he joined everyone else in total incomprehension.

This gave Peter the opportunity to drop his shoulder and charge into the gawping physicists midsection. As if not wanting to be left out of the excitement, the fizzing instrument exploded, sending a fan of high speed shrapnel into the nearby high pressure gas bottle.

The laboratory disappeared in a cloud of debris.


***

“Good morning citizens of Earth: Your planet is being contacted by the All-Serve pan-stellar financial services division. We understand that you require considerable financial resources to reach your racial goals of ‘We came in peace, for all mankind’, as stated in the document you have left on the surface of the moon of your planet.

We are a kindly organisation, and you plea for aid has touched our hearts and other fluid pumping mechanism. We are delighted to offer you a short term interest free loan, not exceeding fifty percent of your planetary mineral wealth. Please indicate your acceptance by existing in this room for a minimum of four seconds.

Thank you. As a significant concentration of mental and technical capacity on your world we trust that you will responsibly spread this good news to the rest of your home planet: Failure to complete your loan re-payments, within the allotted time of one terrestrial year, will result in you planet being ground down for its mineral wealth by our automated fleet. You may also find that you are unable to obtain credit in future....”

I feel a bit cheated, because I can sense you can write a fantastical yarn, but you fall in the same trap as everyone else at the beginning. The story has potential as an idea, but the execution is lacking as the modern days the editors would slide it off the table after the third para for it being too confusing for the readers. Therefore, before you go on, please read some modern publications.

[StilLearning]

Hey ctg, you seem worried I'll be offended, I'm not at all - my status as a writer is summed up by my username, that's why I'm here!

It's gone midnight here, so I must apologise and leave a proper response until the morning. I just got the impression you're worried I'll responded by arguing: You've made some points where I can see I've boobooed right off the bat, and one I'd like to sleep on - but please don't think I'm here to argue I'm Douglas Adams or Richard Mogan when I'm not.

If I was, I hope I'd still listen to critiques, anyone can improve!

[StilLearning]

Originally Posted by ctg

.......At here, you're showing that you can write from a character perspective, but in time to time, it feels as if you need to explain every little detail to the reader.......

Morning CTG. Could I ask for a clarification? I'm a little embarrassed to admit that I don't know what 'time to time' is. It sounds to me like writers term?
I've done an hours internet research and couldn't find anything that seemed relevant. Your post reads very much as if writing is your living, but if you meant 'from time to time', please let me know, it's been driving me nuts for twelve hours!

And I've just realised I've not yet said: Thanks for the critique!

[ctg]

Apologies. I'm not a native speaker and occasionally my dyslexic mind forgets to add words. So yes that's what I meant.

[springs]

Originally Posted by StilLearning

I thought I'd take the plunge to. I have an idea for a longer story starting from this, so I thought it would be good idea to find out if it's working, and how to improve it.

“Say that again, and I will kick you in the crotch!”
The production managersmanager's health was a worry to Alex. Peter wasn’t a small man, and threatening violence this early in the day was a good sign thatdon't need the that his blood pressure was higher than normal.

Crispin, Cambridge educated, white of beard,like this description put his hands behind his back and spread his legs.I'd lose this terminology, it brought an unfortunate image to mind. In the tones of one delivering a crushing logical point he reposted: “Go on then you jumped up ape!”

Behind them, on the dilapidated pine and aluminium workbench, the prototype of a cutting edge scientific instrumentI'm wondering does the author know what the instrument is or if they're being deliberately vague... was making the kind of fizzing noise that usually means at least ten thousand volts seeking a victim. A capacitor popped, showering the lime floor with tiny debris.

“Perhaps we should turn the power off?” Alex suggested diffidently. He tried to move towards the large, round, power socket. Peter, whose peripheral vision was really exceptional for his age, knocked the reaching hand away.

After all, it’s only my third week on the job, Alex reminded himself, rubbing his stinging hand. I don’t want to step too far out of line.It might be useful to italicise the direct thoughts?

“What’s the point Alex?” I'd take a new paragraphNow he was really worried: Peters red face was turning white around the edges, and his breathing was starting to sound laboured. “We’re not doing anything until this git listens to sense!”

Alex didn’t reply. He had just seen that, in the hand hidden behind his back, Crispin was holding a large adjustable spanner.

Calm, Alex, aim to restore calm: “Well, I know I’m new here......” He trailed off.

Just below the high skylight above themthis took me out, the below, high and above made it hard to imagine it. A tiny blue sphere of light popped into existenece above them - just under the skylight - and .... a tiny blue sphere of light had popped into existence, and was hovering in tiny circles, as if wondering what to do next.

“Yes?” Crispin prompted.Do you need prompted? His words tell us this.

Wondering if the various things he’d taken at university parties had caught up with him, the technician tried his best: “Well the pump will explode....the shrapnel could easily hit that pressurised nitrogen bottle..... turn the power off...... Um, can you see what’s abo-“

“Stop wittering boy!” Crispin had locked gazes with Peter again,full stop the exclamation mark closed the last dialogue so this is a new sentence “We need to sort out who is steering this project, and we don’t need closed minded old weasel like him doing it!”

The tiny blue light suddenly expanded into a blue ring, with a dark gap in the centre. A ten centimetre long, oval, silvery shape emerged from the gap. A clear tinny voice announced:

“Good morning citizens of Earth: Your planet is being contacted by the All-Serve pan-stellar financial services division. We understand that you require considerable financial resources...”I liked this and Alex's reaction to it.

Sod this, thought Alex, and ran for the door.

Crispin, finally realising that the stupefied gazes of the technicians around him weren’t aimed at the argument, rotated his head at a painful angle to see.I think you've jumped to Crispin's point of view, otherwise how do we know its painful?

Taking in the tiny spaceship and its portal, he joined everyone else in total incomprehension.

This gave Peter the opportunity to drop his shoulder and charge into the gawping physicists midsection. As if not wanting to be left out of the excitement, the fizzing instrument exploded, sending a fan of high speed shrapnel into the nearby high pressure gas bottle.

The laboratory disappeared in a cloud of debris.


***

“Good morning citizens of Earth: Your planet is being contacted by the All-Serve pan-stellar financial services division. We understand that you require considerable financial resources to reach your racial goals of ‘We came in peace, for all mankind’, as stated in the document you have left on the surface of the moon of your planet.

We are a kindly organisation, and you plea for aid has touched our hearts and other fluid pumping mechanism. We are delighted to offer you a short term interest free loan, not exceeding fifty percent of your planetary mineral wealth. Please indicate your acceptance by existing in this room for a minimum of four seconds.

Thank you. As a significant concentration of mental and technical capacity on your world we trust that you will responsibly spread this good news to the rest of your home planet: Failure to complete your loan re-payments, within the allotted time of one terrestrial year, will result in you planet being ground down for its mineral wealth by our automated fleet. You may also find that you are unable to obtain credit in future....”

HI Stillearning, I enjoyed the alien voice and the premise. I think you have quite a complicated array of dialogue, thoughts, and direct thoughts which are always hard to manage.

There were some point of view jumps which threw me, but I'd read on for a bit, see where it was going.

[StilLearning]

Thanks Springs! The POV jumps, especially the last one to Crispins perspective are definately something I need to fix. I'm thinking I'll keep the change of perspective but do something like this with it:

Sod this, thought Alex, and ran for the door.

***

Where's he going? Thought Crispin. Slowly it dawned on him that the technicians around him were staring, slack jawed, at the space above his head.

He had to step back, and crank his neck at a painful angle to see.
Taking in the tiny spaceship and its portal, he realised that gawping was the only sensible reaction, and joined everyone else.

His incomprehension was interrupted by something exploding into his midsection: Peter had taken the opportunity to drop his shoulder and charge.
As if not wanting to be left out of the excitement, the fizzing instrument exploded, sending a fan of high speed shrapnel into the nearby high pressure gas bottle.

The laboratory disappeared in a cloud of debris

Does that approach make the change in perspective clearer? CTG's criticism about clarity I'm taking to heart. Having someone who doesn't speak English as a first language read through is a good way to highlight how the scene could be hard to follow.

Re-the instrument: It's a quadrupole mass spectrometer. The old style magnetic bearing turbo-pumps, sometimes used in such devices, were notorious for going off like claymores if the power to the electromagnets went off.

And yes, Peter and Crispin are loosely based on people I work with - and the opening line was uttered, on my third week on the job. I'm following advice, and stealing from reality for my fiction!

Although our lab has never exploded, there are mondays I wish it would!

Thank you all, I'm already glad I got over my reservations and posted it

[springs]

[QUOTE=StilLearning;1615782]Thanks Springs! The POV jumps, especially the last one to Crispins perspective are definately something I need to fix. I'm thinking I'll keep the change of perspective but do something like this with it:

Sod this, thought Alex, and ran for the door.

***

Where's he going? thought Crispin. Slowly it dawned on him that the technicians around him were staring, slack jawed, at the space above his head.

He had to step back, and crank his neck at a painful angle to see.
Taking in the tiny spaceship and its portal, he realised that gawping was the only sensible reaction, and joined everyone else.

His incomprehension was interrupted by something exploding into his midsection: Peter had taken the opportunity to drop his shoulder and charge.
As if not wanting to be left out of the excitement, the fizzing instrument exploded, sending a fan of high speed shrapnel into the nearby high pressure gas bottle.

The laboratory disappeared in a cloud of debris

Does that approach make the change in perspective clearer? yesCTG's criticism about clarity I'm taking to heart. Having someone who doesn't speak English as a first language read through is a good way to highlight how the scene could be hard to follow.

Re-the instrument: It's a quadrupole mass spectrometer. then I'd stick in its a spectrometer... otherwise it sounds like you don't know, and this is early we need to trust you do. We don't need the detail but we need to be convinced...The old style magnetic bearing turbo-pumps, sometimes used in such devices, were notorious for going off like claymores if the power to the electromagnets went off.

And yes, Peter and Crispin are loosely based on people I work with - and the opening line was uttered, on my third week on the job. I'm following advice, and stealing from reality for my fiction!

Although our lab has never exploded, there are mondays I wish it would!

Thank you all, I'm already glad I got over my reservations and posted it you did good, the first one is always a hard one