First Try! Be kind!

[Mangara]

I've not written for a long time. I've just written this to flex my muscles again. I have a plot idea for a short story, this piece will be the prologue/intro. I know it might not be up to much but I thought I would give it ago and see how it goes.


The mass of bodies collided with the wall of polycarbonate, forcing the security forces back. Batons flicked between the shields, colliding with sickening accuracy on the front row of protesters. Water cannons powered through the pressing ranks, those taking the brunt of the weapon crushed underfoot by the horde as the cannon sent them sprawling.

Cam struggled to hold his position, the sheer mass of bodies becoming to much to bear. The noise was unbearable, thousands of voices chanting, unified, loud enough to obscure the orders which were being fed to his ear-piece. He could feel fatigue beginning to set in, his boots struggling to gain purchase on the shiny stone floor.

They were relentless, ruthless, and numerous. Cam knew before long they would breach the square, and with that they would fail. It felt inevitable, like the tide creeping up the beach. Drums echoed throughout the square, spurring on the crush of protesters who had now begun to breach the security formation.

Silence descended. Cam's mind struggled to come to terms with what had happened.

A voice whispered in his ear.

“Maldor deployed.”

This is how the world ended.

[springs]

The mass of bodies collided with the wall of polycarbonate, forcing the security forces backlots of the could you change it to a wall of..... Batons flicked between the shields, collidingdoesn't feel right, impacting? with sickening accuracy on the front row of protesters. Water cannons powered through the pressing ranks, those taking the brunt of the weapon crushed underfoot by the horde as the cannon sent them sprawling.

Cam struggled to hold his position, the sheer mass of bodies becoming to much to bear. The noise was unbearabletoo much to bear, then unbearable, thousands of voices chanting, unified, loud enough to obscure the orders which were being fed to his ear-piece. He could feel fatigue beginning to set in, his boots struggling to gain purchase on the shiny stone floor.

They were relentless, ruthless, and numerous. Cam knew before long they would breach the square, and with that theytwo theys and I think they're different theys; it needs to be clearer. would fail. It felt inevitable, like the tide creeping up the beach. Drums echoed throughout the square, spurring on the crush of protesters who had now begun to breach the security formation.

Silence descended. Cam's mind struggled to come to terms with what had happened.

A voice whispered in his ear.

“Maldor deployed.”

Thisthat? is how the world ended. [/QUOTE]

It's intriguing, who is Maldor, why did the crowd go silent. I'd like more of the terror of the crowd...

[Mangara]

Thankyou for your time. I'll have a tweak and flesh it out a little. I was going to drop back a few hours before this in chapter 1 from the protesters point of view, picking a character on the other side of things.

[Mouse]

As springs says, there's a fair bit of repetition. 'Forcing' and 'forces,' 'mass of bodies' twice.

For thickies like me, who have no idea what polycarbonate is, it took me until the second sentence to be able to set the scene in my head.

[ctg]

Originally Posted by cmharrogate

The mass of bodies collided with the wall of polycarbonate, forcing the security forces back. Batons flicked between the shields, colliding with sickening accuracy on the front row of protesters. Water cannons powered through the pressing ranks, those taking the brunt of the weapon crushed underfoot by the horde as the cannon sent them sprawling.

I try to be as gentle with you as I can. This first paragraph reads as it has been done with a slow motion film in your mind. In places it reads like you're using present tense to force the image into the readers mind. You don't establish a clear point-of-view but force the reader to be the fly-on-the wall. And to be honest many modern writers shy using that sort of telling, when they have so many other tools.

So think about it, could you be making it completely from one perspective?

Cam struggled to hold his position, the sheer mass of bodies becoming to much to bear. The noise was unbearable, thousands of voices chanting, unified, loud enough to obscure the orders which were being fed to his ear-piece. He could feel fatigue beginning to set in, his boots struggling to gain purchase on the shiny stone floor.

You start to approach the character in this para, but before you set into his head, you force the reader in strange place by taking your author voice and telling to the readers that's how it is.

Trust yourself and more importantly trust your readers. They can hold the picture in their minds longer than two seconds, and while I'm talking about the picture, shiny stone floors doesn't go well together with masses clashing with the government forces. The image so wrong and the sentence ending is even stranger.

They were relentless, ruthless, and numerous. Cam knew before long they would breach the square, and with that they would fail. It felt inevitable, like the tide creeping up the beach. Drums echoed throughout the square, spurring on the crush of protesters who had now begun to breach the security formation.

Silence descended. Cam's mind struggled to come to terms with what had happened.

A voice whispered in his ear.

“Maldor deployed.”

This is how the world ended.

Hhhhmmm... that's it?

I would say that you got something that could potentially spark a good if not even a great story, but it is the execution that's lacking. It might be because you haven't been writing for sometime. So take your time, take part in the 75- and 300-word competitions and most importantly read modern stories. Buy yourself for example Terase Edgarton's latest series and analyse how she writes out her stories.

[Cosmic Geoff]

Originally Posted by cmharrogate

I've not written for a long time. I've just written this to flex my muscles again. I have a plot idea for a short story, this piece will be the prologue/intro. I know it might not be up to much but I thought I would give it ago and see how it goes.
It's not quite working, but don't despair - writing takes a lot of practice to get right.

The mass of bodies collided with the wall of polycarbonate,It's not obvious that you mean police shields yet forcing the security forces back. Batons flicked That's not the right word. You need to study actual police tactics between the shields, colliding with sickening Who's feeling sickened? We don't know. accuracy on the front row of protesters. Water cannons powered through the pressing ranks, I thought this meant the cannon truck was running people over. It's unclear. those taking the brunt of the weapon crushed underfoot by the horde as the cannon sent them sprawling.

Cam struggled to hold his position, the sheer mass of bodies becoming to should be "too" much to bear. The noise was unbearable, thousands of voices chanting, unified, loud enough to obscure the orders which were being fed to his ear-piece. He could feel fatigue beginning to set in, his boots struggling to gain purchase on the shiny stone floor.

They were relentless, ruthless, and numerous. Doesn't read right. Maybe you should Show, not Tell. Be aware that some (most) readers will instinctively side with the rioters, not the robocops. Cam knew before long they who? would breach the square, and with that they Who? same "they"? would fail. It felt inevitable, like the tide creeping up the beach. Drums echoed throughout the square, spurring on the crush of protesters who had now begun to breach the security formation.

Silence descended. Cam's mind struggled to come to terms with what had happened.

A voice whispered in his ear.

“Maldor deployed.”

This is how the world ended. One isn't quite sure what to make of this. Is it a bit much? Have we been told enough to make us care? It occurs to me that it could equally well switch the other way, i.e. "Drill Over. Fall out to canteen for tea". Hope you don't think I'm taking the mick, it's just not...

I'm also wondering what real-life security forces would do in this situation - the Syrians for instance.

[Mangara]

Thankyou everyone for your help so far. I'm going to sit and work on this on my next day off from work, see if I can get it to flow better and have more clarity.

[Bowler1]

The mass of bodies collided with the wall of polycarbonate, forcing the security forces back. Batons flicked(not a strong word in my opinion) between the shields, colliding with sickening accuracy on the front row of protesters. Water cannons powered through the pressing ranks, those taking the brunt of the weapon crushed underfoot by the horde as the cannon sent them sprawling.

Cam struggled to hold his position, the sheer mass of bodies becoming too much to bear. The noise was unbearable, thousands of voices chanting, unified, loud enough to obscure the orders which were being fed to his ear-piece. He could feel fatigue beginning to set in, his boots struggling to gain purchase on the shiny stone floor.
A shiny floor & square which I’m assuming is open air drew my attention.
If there was an interaction between Cam and another character if only for a moment before the next section, I think it would draw the reader in more.

Nice images presented. Some of this is telling but it’s hard to judge fairly in such a short section as this could just be an intro for all I know. I would have liked more character POV for feel. But for what it was, short and sweet, I liked it.

[Jammill Khursheed]

I don't write prose myself, so I doubt me pulling this apart word by word and talking about comma-splices would do you any use (plus comma-splices belong to someone far better than me on here)...

As far as setting the scene goes, I really like this piece, and it sets the scene well as an introduction and makes me eager to see what does come next...

I agree with what previous posters have said about about the first paragraph being in the author's voice, and then the whole rest of the scene being in Carn's voice... I don't see any major problems in rewriting that start to be from Carn's view as well, and CTG's comment that it seems like its written with slow-motion filming in mind would actually work better if it was in Carn's head (the way events seem to slow down in those sorts of situations where you are under pressure)...

There is a little repetition in the language, but its more a case of changing the actual repeating words themselves instead of the meaning of them, so all you need is thesaurus not a complete re-write...

I especially liked the ending few lines (the suggestion to change it to "THAT is how the world ended" is a good one) and its left is so that I wanna know who or what a Maldor is...


Jammill

[Mangara]

To survive, they took things too far. One finger, one voice, one action changed the path of humankind forever. Little did they realise that living was the last thing humankind wanted when trapped in the world tainted by Malodor.

It started one grey afternoon, overcast, like most summer days in the heart of England. Rain threatened to pour from the skies, showering the earth with short displays of intention. Huddled together was a patchwork of raincoats, concealed within were the disadvantaged, the desolate and the desperate. Thousands left homeless by the collapse of money, deemed unnecessary by the Euro state, as it struggled to provide for all.

How is that? Or am I doing this wrong?

[Dozmonic]

Nothing wrong with that, only very minor points...

First, Malodor I can misread easily as Mal-Odour, as in bad odour. That made me smirk :-)

Secondly, I'd rewrite the last sentence of the first paragraph to: Little did they realise that living in a world tainted by Malodor was the last thing humankind wanted. It's the word "when" that feels out of place as I read it.

Thirdly, "short displays of intent" rather than intention.

Fourthly, final comma after state isn't needed.

[Mangara]

Well Malodor is a play on words, but I don't want to give too much away, maybe it's too obvious though...

[stephen.samuels]

I always feel a prologue should "and this started." keeping this line of thought mind prologue gain a natural hook because people instinctively ask "what did it start?" What can happen after the world ends

[JoanDrake]

I don't see anything wrong with this. Clear and transparent as to what was happening and the Malodor business added some mystery and reason to read on.

[Esfires]

I understand that you're trying to focus on the moment, on the visceral feel of the action, but you need to give us at least a little more description of the setting. I wasn't even sure if this whole thing was taking place inside or outdoors.