please critique and proof read.

[huxley]

INT. JAMES’ OFFICE - NIGHT

James puts on his jacket and
adjusts his tie. Bruce walks in.

BRUCE
All the paper work is in order. Your card game is going to be
at the Imperial Hotel. We’ve rented the ballroom and a
dealer. His lawyers will be there and I’ll be there as well.
(pause)
I know you don’t want to hear this but are you sure you still
want to go through with this? You might loss everything?

JAMES
Yeah, but it’s the only way I can win everything. I’ve made
up my mind. I have to seize this opportunity and make it mine
or I’ll regret it forever. Rather be a lion for a day then a
sheep for a life time, right.

Bruce leaves the room. James walks
to his desk. The lights flicker off
then turn back on. Frank stands
next to the desk.

FRANK
Time’s running out, James. I don’t have to remind you what’s
at stake here, do I?

JAMES
You don’t think I know that! You don’t think that’s all I’ve
been thinking about.

FRANK
It doesn’t have to be like this. All this stress, anxiety,
frustration. I can make it all go-

JAMES
You’re wasting your time. Everything’s already in motion. You
thought you could manipulate me, that I’d be your little toy
that you could wind up then point it in the direction you
want it to go. But I proved you wrong. In the next couple of
hours this will all be over. You’ll walk out of my life for
good. And when this is all done I want you to remember one
thing; I did it my way. I chose my own destiny.

FRANK
You think you figured it all out, didn’t you? Thought two
steps ahead, out smarted your opponent. Now it’s just a
matter of moving the pieces in place and checkmate.

JAMES
I guess you were wrong about me. I was never meant to become
you.

FRANK
I was never wrong about you. You can deny yourself all you
want but I know what you’re capable of.

JAMES
You thought you knew me, but you really never did, did you?
(Pause)
Or maybe I never knew who I was, because I never took a step
back to look at myself, to really look. I’ve been caught up
for so long with this whole money chasing world and
everything that comes with it, that I just never stopped and
took the time to see who I was becoming.
(Pause)
I treated people like garbage, I’ve used people to get where
I am but not anymore. That might’ve been the person I was but
that’s not the person I want to be. It’s simple, I’m going to
win and you’ve already lost.

FRANK
But what if it wasn’t that simple, James. What if you missed
something. You might think you’ve changed a new light in your
life. A righteous path, call it what you want because it’s
not real. It will never be real. You’re still the same
person. In this short time you’ve still manage to destroy
someones life. You’ll never change, James. You’re always
going to be the person you are. I want to show you something.

START PICTURE SEQUENCE
IMAGE 1: J.J. JUGGLING.

FRANK
Your little friend; Jerome. Another name you can add to your
list, James. Another you’ve used to get what you wanted.



JAMES
No, it wasn’t like that. Maybe at first but not anymore. The
kid grew on me.

IMAGE 2: MAN IN BLACK TALKING WITH BLACKWELL.
IMAGE 3: MAN IN BLACK CHASING J.J. DOWN A SIDEWALK.
IMAGE 4: GUN BEING RAISED.
IMAGE 5: GUN SHOT.
IMAGE 6: J.J. COLLAPSED ON THE GROUND.
END PICTURE SEQUENCE

JAMES
(In a rage)
He’s just a kid! He’s got his whole life a head of him. He
doesn’t deserve this. ******* stop it! Do something! No,
don’t ******* do this. Don’t let it happen.

FRANK
Just say the word, James. I’ll make it all stop. You get what
you always wanted. You become my successor. Your Vicky, your
little friend, they walk away from this unharmed. It’s what
you want, isn’t it?

JAMES
No! That’s not what I want at all. I want you to get the ****
out of my life. The deal was I gain this man’s company, and
that’s exactly what I’m going to do.
(Pause)
I’m not going to kill that man for you. You don’t control me.
I choose my own fait, not you. I’m ending this tonight, and
I’m winning my life back.

FRANK
You forget, James, it’s not just your fait you’re gambling,
but it’s your precious Vicky’s fait too.

JAMES
Don’t you ******* treaten her!

James charges after Frank. The
lights go out then flicker back on.
James lies sprawled out on the
floor. Bruce walks in. James gets
up.

BRUCE
Are you ready? It’s time. What are you doing?
James gathers himself.

JAMES
I have to take care of something first. I’ll meet up with you
over there later.

BRUCE
Blackwell Isn’t going to stand for this, you know that. If
you don’t show up on time, he’ll think something’s up and
call this whole thing off. All this preparation,
deliberating, paper work. He won’t agree to this again. It’s
a one time thing.
(Pause)
You walk out that door and you’re throwing it all away. All
the long hours, all the money you invested in putting an end
to this man, all gone. Is that what you want!?

Bruce glares at James.

JAMES
Sometimes there’s things more important than money.

James storms off.

BRUCE
Where are you going?

JAMES
I gotta go save my friend. The kid’s in trouble and he needs
my help.

Bruce throws his folder, paper
scatters across the floor. He sits
down on a chair, shaking his head.

Picks up a liquor bottle from the
garbage, starts drinking from it.

[Jammill Khursheed]

Huxley...

You've centre-aligned the wrong bits straight off... I'll do a more in-depth crit once I've actually read it


Jammill

[huxley]

It's a stage play , so the action is centre. And dialogue is longer.

[Jammill Khursheed]

Ah, I see... Makes sense of the lights flickering in and out so Frank (who I'm assuming isn't really there and is some sort of inner-turmoil or projection) can enter and leave the stage now...

Even as a play, the dialogue seems far too overly-long... James's first bit of dialogue makes the same point three times when it only needs to be once, and later on where he says "remember one thing" he goes on to tell Frank two things...

The conversation between James and Bruce SHOULD be something shorter and snappier than it reads... You get the characterisation across well, but you could do it just as well a lot more efficiently and vastly improve the pacing and realism of the piece...

Because of that it seems a bit pointless to go through it line by line for crits and grammar and stuff because so much of it is in need of cutting and re-wording, and only you can decide which bits to keep because you know where the story is going and what the characters are like as people...

I'm liking the concept behind it, and having the Frank projection sneaking on and off stage with the flickering lights is quite a cool/clever idea, you just need to be massively cruel with the snipping on the dialogue, which I know from personal experience is a difficult/heartbreaking thing to do sometimes... ESPECIALLY if you've put a lot of work into it and come up with some clever phrases, which you obviously have...

It's not too big of a problem for you, there's nothing wrong with the quality of the dialogue, just the amount of it, but its an equally big problem for the viewer/anyone wanting to pay you for it... You just need to cut a lot, or bring in other themes and things for them to talk about if the 'stage-time' is needed, because right now all of the characters are taking far too long to say what they are saying, and thematically repeating the point they have just taken too long to make, time and time again...


Jammill

[huxley]

Thanks for the input. Did you come across any miss spelled words?

[springs]

Paperwork is one word, I think

loss = lose

Lifetime is also one word.
Fait = fate
Treaten = threaten
There's = there're in this context cos things is plural.

I, too, think there's too much repetition, that it could be shorter and snappier, but I like the stage setting.

[ctg]

To me there should be more description for the scenes and the dialogue should be objective and realistic, and definitely different then what would you see in the books. The stage dialogue should be down to the point and just deliver what the actor cannot produce. I think this needs another rewrite.

[TheEndIsNigh]

Picky that's me

I get the format - but it really is laboured and difficult to read. If this is the 'norm' I'm surprised (though I have no experience as such. However surely the directions should be one direction one line. almost like bullet points indented maybe, but not centred.

Anyway. regarding spelling - if you use Internet explorer you can use the spell checker before you post. There should be an icon in your menu bar. It has an 'A' with a tick, enable it if it isn't there. Why hasn't your word or whatever you use got a spellchecker?

Originally Posted by huxley

INT. JAMES’ OFFICE - NIGHT

James puts on his jacket and
adjusts his tie. Bruce walks in.

BRUCE
All the paper work is in order. Your card game is going to be
at the Imperial Hotel. We’ve rented the ballroom and a
dealer. His lawyers will be there and I’ll be there as well.
(pause)
I know you don’t want to hear this but are you sure you still
want to go through with this? You might loss everything?

JAMES
Yeah, but it’s the only way I can win everything. I’ve made
up my mind. I have to seize this opportunity and make it mine
or I’ll regret it forever. Rather be a lion for a day then a
sheep for a life time, right.

Bruce leaves the room. James walks
to his desk. The lights flicker off
then turn back on. Frank stands
next to the desk.

FRANK
Time’s running out, James. I don’t have to remind you what’s
at stake here, do I?

BRUCE: Leaves the room. The light flicker off and on.

FRANK: Standing next to the desk.

"Time’s running out, James. I don’t have to remind you what’s
at stake here, do I?"

(to me this looks clearer and easier to read)

JAMES
You don’t think I know that! You don’t think that’s all I’ve
been thinking about.

FRANK
It doesn’t have to be like this. All this stress, anxiety,
frustration. I can make it all go-

JAMES
You’re wasting your time. Everything’s already in motion. You
thought you could manipulate me, that I’d be your little toy
that you could wind up then point it in the direction you
want it to go. But I proved you wrong. In the next couple of
hours this will all be over. You’ll walk out of my life for
good. And when this is all done I want you to remember one
thing; I did it my way. I chose my own destiny.

FRANK
You think you figured it all out, didn’t you? Thought two
steps ahead, out smarted your opponent. Now it’s just a
matter of moving the pieces in place and checkmate.

JAMES
I guess you were wrong about me. I was never meant to become
you.

FRANK
I was never wrong about you. You can deny yourself all you
want but I know what you’re capable of.

JAMES
You thought you knew me, but you really never did, did you?
(Pause)
Or maybe I never knew who I was, because I never took a step
back to look at myself, to really look. I’ve been caught up
for so long with this whole money chasing world and
everything that comes with it, that I just never stopped and
took the time to see who I was becoming.
(Pause)
I treated people like garbage, I’ve used people to get where
I am but not anymore. That might’ve been the person I was but
that’s not the person I want to be. It’s simple, I’m going to
win and you’ve already lost.

FRANK
But what if it wasn’t that simple, James. What if you missed
something. You might think you’ve changed a new light in your
life. A righteous path, call it what you want because it’s
not real. It will never be real. You’re still the same
person. In this short time you’ve still manage to destroy
someones life. You’ll never change, James. You’re always
going to be the person you are. I want to show you something.

START PICTURE SEQUENCE
IMAGE 1: J.J. JUGGLING.

FRANK
Your little friend; Jerome. Another name you can add to your
list, James. Another you’ve used to get what you wanted.



JAMES
No, it wasn’t like that. Maybe at first but not anymore. The
kid grew on me.

IMAGE 2: MAN IN BLACK TALKING WITH BLACKWELL.
IMAGE 3: MAN IN BLACK CHASING J.J. DOWN A SIDEWALK.
IMAGE 4: GUN BEING RAISED.
IMAGE 5: GUN SHOT.
IMAGE 6: J.J. COLLAPSED ON THE GROUND.
END PICTURE SEQUENCE

JAMES
(In a rage)
He’s just a kid! He’s got his whole life a head of him. He
doesn’t deserve this. ******* stop it! Do something! No,
don’t ******* do this. Don’t let it happen.

FRANK
Just say the word, James. I’ll make it all stop. You get what
you always wanted. You become my successor. Your Vicky, your
little friend, they walk away from this unharmed. It’s what
you want, isn’t it?

JAMES
No! That’s not what I want at all. I want you to get the ****
out of my life. The deal was I gain this man’s company, and
that’s exactly what I’m going to do.
(Pause)
I’m not going to kill that man for you. You don’t control me.
I choose my own fait (fate - IE spellcheck many times below too), not you. I’m ending this tonight, and
I’m winning my life back.

FRANK
You forget, James, it’s not just your fait you’re gambling,
but it’s your precious Vicky’s fait too.

JAMES
Don’t you ******* treaten her!

James charges after Frank. (who's still on stage?) The
lights go out then flicker back on.
James lies sprawled out on the
floor. Bruce walks in. James gets
up.

Obviously you're trying to get something across with the flickering lights, but why here. The've both just left the stage. Why have this awkward scene set up when James could just - re-enter. Especially as the first thing he does is get up.

BRUCE
Are you ready? It’s time. What are you doing?
James gathers himself.

JAMES
I have to take care of something first. I’ll meet up with you
over there later.

BRUCE
Blackwell Isn’t going to stand for this, you know that. If
you don’t show up on time, he’ll think something’s up and
call this whole thing off. All this preparation,
deliberating, paper work. He won’t agree to this again. It’s
a one time thing.
(Pause)
You walk out that door and you’re throwing it all away. All
the long hours, all the money you invested in putting an end
to this man, all gone. Is that what you want!?

Bruce glares at James.

JAMES
Sometimes there’s things more important than money.

James storms off.

BRUCE
Where are you going?

JAMES
I gotta go save my friend. The kid’s in trouble and he needs
my help.

Bruce throws his folder, paper
scatters across the floor. He sits
down on a chair, shaking his head.

Picks up a liquor bottle from the

garbage, starts drinking from it.

I haven't critiqued the dialogue. It seems to me to be the equivalent of a wall of text. IE to people talking at each other with no indication of mood, emotion, action or direction. Which is fine if you are doing the direction but would someone coming cold to the script get where the plot is going or the relationship of the characters to the scene being set.

For instance

JAMES
Don’t you ******* treaten her!

How is this meant to be delivered; what's the tone, the voice. If you leave it to the actor it may be delivered in several ways that could change the whole scene. Plus, even if you are directing actors like to get some idea of how the play should be interpreted, if only to get into the right frame of mind before the first read through.

There were some simple errors regarding placement. eg. above- James charging after Frank - who hasn't moved. I think you need to be more controlling of the action and leave less to the readers/actors interpretation.

With regard to the picture sequence - What's it all about? Some indication in the script would be useful - so that those that are involved -actors etc get the idea too.

Sorry to be semi harsh.

Hope I helped.

TEiN