From Interview - Page 167 - 484 words

[ctg]

This is told from Jane's POV, where Herbert is just leaving the scene, and what I'm asking comes at the end. That is: is it believable that the vampires has weird rules, that prevents them from killing the person who sired them?

“This way sir.” Wally nodded. “We’ll get you proper in ten.”

“Ten minutes will do fine,” I said when they walked through the gates. “We’ll be ready when you come back.” Then I waggled my finger. “Red, lock those and stay there, while you open this one.”

Red nodded sharply as I took a deep drag from John le Carr and stumped it under my heel, when Jaq’s cell door clonked and started withdrawing on side. As fast as lighting Jaq charged out with her long blond hair flapping behind like a horse tail.

“You,” she screamed, when we fell down on the ground. “You killed me.”

I extended my arms to keep her from striking. “Only to save you my dear.”

“Save me?” She frowned. “Save me from what? All I know I could be in same place with Ali. But no. I wake up on a slap and realise I’m a f--kin’ vamp.”

“A very beautiful vampire,” I said. “Your hair looks nice.”

“I don’t f**kin' care about my hair,” she spat on my face as she pushed her fangs closer to my jugular. “I want a bloody revenge.” At the moment, I saw her face turning towards the control room, I spun her underneath me and locked her hands under my knees.

“Ma’am,” Red said from the door. “Do you—“

I waved my hand. “Stay there and make sure we are not interrupted.”

“Ma’am,” Jaq snarled from underneath me. “So you’re behind this… thing.”

“No,” I shook my head. “I don’t have anything to do with this place or with the people. But I used them to keep you safe, while you body and soul went through the transformation. It was the only way. I couldn’t drag you in the underworld.”

“But why?” She relaxed a bit. However knowing how I had been centuries ago, I behaved just as Damien had, when I woke up from his bed. And back then, I had been just like her, angry for being pronounced dead and being sent in hell. It had not been most pleasurable moment, and I couldn’t even begin to guess what sort of torment Jaq had gone through. It certainly could not have been a heaven, where she had been resting on arms of her lover while bathing in god’s grace. Vampires didn’t get that sort of chance. They were devil’s foot soldiers and the eternal life they gained in the exchange was a curse.

“Answer me,” she screamed and tried to free herself. “Why did you do it?”

I looked up and said, “Forgive me my Lord,” before I turned down my gaze. “I did it so that you could gain a chance for redemption.”

“What?” She frowned.

“You saw what he did to Alison,” I said. “I could never avenge her.”

Her frown deepened. “Why not?”

“Not just because Damien is my husband but also because he sired me.”

[Sho Pi]

It's not part of the common vampire mythology as far as I know, but it's also not really strange if you think about it. If you built it into the story properly than why not, but you'll need to explain the reason why.

[Boneman]

I think it's a brilliant spin on vampirism; a fresh idea that could run and run, and provide excellent plot points. Maybe you shouldn't have posted it here... people (not Chrons regulars, obviously) might walk off with it...

[Tecdavid]

As this is the first excerpt from Interview I have read, I don't suppose I can really comment on the characters themselves, how exactly they react to one another, or to their situation. I agree with Boneman, though, in that a fresh take on Vampires is a good idea (just so long as you don't utterly alter the base mithos like Twilight did :P). When employing a race which has been used many, many times before, it is a good idea to explore and experiment a little. So best of luck with that.

As for the excerpt itself, I have a couple of things to point out. As I'm unfamiliar with the characters, what I'll say might be misguided, of course, so make of it what you will.
Firstly, is there a better word to suit the finger-wagging than "waggling"? It just sounds oddly playful to me. Secondly, when Jaq 'attacks' the character, it might be a little better to emphasise their reaction some more. Just mentioning that Jaq is beautiful vampire, without any signs of awkwardness or discomfort at her outburst, seems a little.. empty to me.

Otherwise, though, I like it. Jaq's outburst itself was interesting to read, I think.